I heard him get up. I rolled onto my back, keeping my eyes closed, and mumbled a bit, then flung my arm up over my face. I figured nature was calling, and he would feel bad if he realized he'd wakened me. He must have stayed still until he was sure I wasn't going to wake up. I watched through slitted lids as he pulled on his pants under his nightshirt and slipped out. I rolled over, thinking to go back to sleep, but wasn't really able to. I heard the clock chime the hour after a few minutes, and I must have dozed, because what seemed like seconds later, the sound of the quarter-hour woke me. I rolled onto my side, facing away from his bed, and tried to breathe as if I were asleep. I was actually hoping to use that to fall asleep - it had helped me before with insomnia - but it also served to convince him that I was unconscious when he returned. I heard rustling - he was probably undressing - and footsteps as he walked over to the basin for a drink of water. "Locke," I said, in quiet conversational tones.
He nearly jumped out of his skin. "Don't DO that!" he squawked. I sat up, grinning.
"Guilty conscience?" I love teasing him about being a thief - he won't take it from anyone else.
He must have been glaring at me, but his face was so shadowed I couldn't tell. "I thought you were asleep," he said accusingly.
"I heard you get up and go out, and I couldn't get back to sleep. What were you doing?"
I saw him take a drink. "I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk. I guess Celes had the same problem."
"Locke, what happened with her? Setzer said she skipped town to avoid marrying him, but that doesn't make any sense at all and he wouldn't explain. When I asked Edgar he just started complimenting my eyes, and Sabin got sort of uncomfortable and said I'd better ask you."
Silence. "We.... you know we went to the Magitek plant, right?"
I nodded. "Ramuh sent you. I could sort of hear."
"Well... Kefka caught us. He complimented Celes on leading us into his hands, basically told us she was a double agent... for some reason I believed it, that it was all an elaborate trap. I thought it was all over, that they'd get us, and you... Even though I'd seen them torturing her. She... did something... to get rid of Kefka and the soldiers... said she could at least protect me even if I wouldn't believe in her..."
I don't know what I was supposed to do. Get up, touch him to comfort him - people were always touching me when I needed to be comforted. I wasn't sure how all of that worked, yet. Instead I just said what I was thinking. "Are you in love with her?"
He made a sort of choking noise. "Love? I mean, we've been through a lot together, but I really barely know her! And there's still hope for Rachel - I can't just give up on her just because some pretty blonde looks my way! I can feel bad for misjudging someone without --"
Okay, so that wasn't a good question. I pulled the sheets up to my chin. "I was just asking..."
He took another drink of his water. "I'm sorry, Terra. Shouldn't have freaked out like that."
"I just don't understand how any of this works!"
He sat down on the edge of my bed. "It's okay, sweetheart. You don't have to understand it all right away." But I want to! I wanted to say, but I didn't. I think he understood anyway. "Things... are complicated. Love's complicated. Sometimes it sneaks up on you, or fades away for no good reason. Sometimes -- I mean, Rachel. I'd known her for years, and then one day I just noticed she was beautiful, and I called that 'falling in love' then. But the same thing happened with Celes, and maybe I'm in love with her and don't know it, but I don't think it's the same. I'm not sure. Maybe I won't let Rachel go because I'm too scared to get involved with anyone else."
He went quiet. I reached out to touch his shoulder, really not understanding all of this. When you think about it, it makes no sense -- why should one person be so much more important than any other? He grabbed my hand and squeezed. "Don't be in a hurry to get into all this, okay? It's a pain in the ass." He laughed, a little, and I tried to because he had. I still wanted to know. All around me, people seemed connected to each other; they fought, they smiled, they told jokes and sparred and made a point of not speaking to each other -- but they all seemed to understand something I didn't. "All this will be over soon, and you can just settle down and focus on getting to know yourself, right? We'll go to Thamasa and find the Espers, and then once the peace talks are done you can just do whatever you want. Travel, say, or settle someplace quiet and out of the way."
"That'd be nice..." I didn't really want to be alone. I wanted to have a person who mattered more than anything. I wanted to be that important to someone. I don't even know why.
"I could travel with you, or Edgar'd be happy to have you at Figaro, or I think he said he'd pay for your support wherever else you wanted to live. You'd have people around." I just nodded, so he continued. "See, that's why I keep saying you do understand your feelings better than you know. You like having friends around, don't you?"
"I guess I do..."
"And you care about people. That's almost the same as love. So you're not that far off."
"It doesn't help much if I don't know I understand, though, does it?"
He laughed a bit. "Why don't you get some sleep, Terra? Things aren't as confusing in daylight." I nodded and laid back down. I could hear him moving around for a little while, then climbing back into his bed. I heard his breathing even out as he fell asleep. I laid there awake for a long time.
He nearly jumped out of his skin. "Don't DO that!" he squawked. I sat up, grinning.
"Guilty conscience?" I love teasing him about being a thief - he won't take it from anyone else.
He must have been glaring at me, but his face was so shadowed I couldn't tell. "I thought you were asleep," he said accusingly.
"I heard you get up and go out, and I couldn't get back to sleep. What were you doing?"
I saw him take a drink. "I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk. I guess Celes had the same problem."
"Locke, what happened with her? Setzer said she skipped town to avoid marrying him, but that doesn't make any sense at all and he wouldn't explain. When I asked Edgar he just started complimenting my eyes, and Sabin got sort of uncomfortable and said I'd better ask you."
Silence. "We.... you know we went to the Magitek plant, right?"
I nodded. "Ramuh sent you. I could sort of hear."
"Well... Kefka caught us. He complimented Celes on leading us into his hands, basically told us she was a double agent... for some reason I believed it, that it was all an elaborate trap. I thought it was all over, that they'd get us, and you... Even though I'd seen them torturing her. She... did something... to get rid of Kefka and the soldiers... said she could at least protect me even if I wouldn't believe in her..."
I don't know what I was supposed to do. Get up, touch him to comfort him - people were always touching me when I needed to be comforted. I wasn't sure how all of that worked, yet. Instead I just said what I was thinking. "Are you in love with her?"
He made a sort of choking noise. "Love? I mean, we've been through a lot together, but I really barely know her! And there's still hope for Rachel - I can't just give up on her just because some pretty blonde looks my way! I can feel bad for misjudging someone without --"
Okay, so that wasn't a good question. I pulled the sheets up to my chin. "I was just asking..."
He took another drink of his water. "I'm sorry, Terra. Shouldn't have freaked out like that."
"I just don't understand how any of this works!"
He sat down on the edge of my bed. "It's okay, sweetheart. You don't have to understand it all right away." But I want to! I wanted to say, but I didn't. I think he understood anyway. "Things... are complicated. Love's complicated. Sometimes it sneaks up on you, or fades away for no good reason. Sometimes -- I mean, Rachel. I'd known her for years, and then one day I just noticed she was beautiful, and I called that 'falling in love' then. But the same thing happened with Celes, and maybe I'm in love with her and don't know it, but I don't think it's the same. I'm not sure. Maybe I won't let Rachel go because I'm too scared to get involved with anyone else."
He went quiet. I reached out to touch his shoulder, really not understanding all of this. When you think about it, it makes no sense -- why should one person be so much more important than any other? He grabbed my hand and squeezed. "Don't be in a hurry to get into all this, okay? It's a pain in the ass." He laughed, a little, and I tried to because he had. I still wanted to know. All around me, people seemed connected to each other; they fought, they smiled, they told jokes and sparred and made a point of not speaking to each other -- but they all seemed to understand something I didn't. "All this will be over soon, and you can just settle down and focus on getting to know yourself, right? We'll go to Thamasa and find the Espers, and then once the peace talks are done you can just do whatever you want. Travel, say, or settle someplace quiet and out of the way."
"That'd be nice..." I didn't really want to be alone. I wanted to have a person who mattered more than anything. I wanted to be that important to someone. I don't even know why.
"I could travel with you, or Edgar'd be happy to have you at Figaro, or I think he said he'd pay for your support wherever else you wanted to live. You'd have people around." I just nodded, so he continued. "See, that's why I keep saying you do understand your feelings better than you know. You like having friends around, don't you?"
"I guess I do..."
"And you care about people. That's almost the same as love. So you're not that far off."
"It doesn't help much if I don't know I understand, though, does it?"
He laughed a bit. "Why don't you get some sleep, Terra? Things aren't as confusing in daylight." I nodded and laid back down. I could hear him moving around for a little while, then climbing back into his bed. I heard his breathing even out as he fell asleep. I laid there awake for a long time.