Ai Shiteru

I stared at his fading figure in the distance. I held out my hand, trying to reach the dream I know I can never have. I wanted to cry, I wanted to bawl, I wanted to scream, to screech, to rage in hope for him to turn back and stay. But no. No. He wont.

He never did.

And he disappeared in the thick mass of fog, my reached out hand slowly fell to my side as it all dawned upon me.

I chuckled bitterly. I was a fool. A fool who let myself get captivated by his stunning appearance, his bewitching sweet words, his kindness—him.

Him, the Nura Rikuo who is both feared and respected by humans and demons alike. Him, the Nura Clan's proud commander. Him, who I was supposed to serve.

I was his servant. He was my master. Forbidden feelings grew inside me like a corrupted blossom.

Slowly and painfully destructing me. Destroying us.

•

She had screamed when my palm collided with her soft, tan baby cheek he always caressed. My orbs had been in slits, my eyebrows knitted downwards, and my lips in a snarl to emphasize how furious I was. I had glared at her in disgust and she stared back in a turmoil: disbelief, anger, hate. But never scared. It had made my stomach churn.

Her face had been a mess: chocolate brown locks disheveled, red lipsticks smudged sloppily, cheeks red and swollen. She had looked horrible. Utterly and disgustingly horrible. And yet despite of it all, he came crashing in like a knight in shining armor and swooped her up in his strong firm arms. The ugly brunette had clutched onto him tightly and had soaked him with her tears. He had patted her head and words of comfort came spilling out of his mouth in a soft whisper.

Then I had found myself being stared at by his arresting chocolate brown eyes in disbelief.

I flinched.

I couldn't think right.

Where is he going?

Why is he taking that disgusting thing with him? Why not me?

Why was I left alone in that cold night of December?

Why?

•

The forlorn December was long forgotten.

But I never forgot.

She forgave me, but she never did.

The innocent tilt of the lips, the sweet greetings, the courtesy bows; her act was almost faultless, but I could see through it perfectly. She was a fraud.

But so was I.

We were like actors of a play. I was the queen. The superstar. The protagonist.

She was nothing in the stage, while I ruled over it.

And I am contented with that. It never bothered me. Putting up fake fronts was done all the time it became a routine.

But I noticed it was recurring. Again and again. Each and every day, always the perfect actors set on a stage—my stage. Always.

I was contented with it. I am supposed to be contented with it. But I wasn't. I couldn't.

And I realized why: in every single day, he was never around to watch me.

He was there, looking, watching. But never at me and always at her.

I am the queen of the stage, but she is the queen in his eyes.

It sickened me deeply.

•

"I love you." I said once, pouring down another sake on his cup. I felt him stare and it made me smile.

I handed the cup to him and he accepted automatically, his eyes never leaving me.

"I have a fiancée."

"I know."

"I can't return it."

My smile widened. "I know."

I stood up and slowly neared him.

"We can't do this," I slipped on his lap, humming in agreement. "We should stop."

I leaned in and nuzzled his long neck.

"But you're not stopping me," I looked up at him.

His stared back, in a daze, unknowingly resting his hands on my hips.

"You like it."

"Hn."

I leaned in and captured his lips.

•

It continued.

Every night when she was to visit her family for a while and was not around (stupid girl, Rikuo-sama is her new family. Why wasn't she contented?) I'd pay him a visit and provide him the warmth he was missing.

Blinded with longing and with the influence of alcohol, he couldn't tell what was right and wrong, and being the selfish girl I was, I took advantage of it.

Disgusting.

•

It was the usual night.

Skin to skin, lips to lips, exploring each other expertly.

When suddenly, he was pushed off of me and my head was turned harsly to the side by a painful blow.

I looked up and she was there. Panting. Crying. Screaming.

Shocked. Angered. Betrayed. Hurt.

Hurt.

She was hurt. Utterly. Painfully.

It made my heart pound. Happy. I was happy.

I laughed loudly and she stared in disbelief before attacking me as if a mere human like her can go against a demon like me.

•

It didn't last long.

After that night, it stopped. Everything had stopped. His touches, his kisses, his I love you's.

His presence.

It angered me.

I got him. Finally got him. I hurt her. I was happy.

But it seemed like everything I worked for would be bested by her.

She forgave him, and he was sorry. Very, very sorry.

Because he hated me.

So much. Very much.

It angered me.

All I saw was red.

•

"It's all your fault!" I had growled and my palm met her cheek after a long while. It had been so long and the cry she made had never felt so satisfying in my ears.

"It's all your fault! You took him from me!" I had raised my hand for another blow but a familiar warmth wrapped itself around my wrist, and before I knew what was happening I was pushed back to the sides by the man whom I was crying over.

His arms were encased around her weak frame, and, once again, his dashing eyes were on me.

Disgust was all I could see.

•

"Yuki Onna I am banishing you from the clan."

I stared at him. His face hard, his warm brown eyes now cold, guarded, and distant, his lips in a tight scowl.

I didn't know what hurt more, but one thing was for sure; he was disgusted by my mere presence.

•

Stupid.

I turned the sculpted knife made of ice from its side to inspect, looking for a flaw. It can't be imperfect. Not now. Not ever. It's my forte, one thing and only thing she can't best me at.

"Stupid." To think that I still have the guts to compare myself to her.

Stupid, stupid girl. To think I even hoped. To think I even dreamed. To think I even fell for him. To think I even dared.

To think that countless of times I tried, and countless of times he looked the other way, and I had been blind—No. I pretended not to see. I acted as though I had a chance, when from the beginning I never had.

It has always been her. It will always be her.

She is his sun, his light, his everything.

And I envied.

I strived for his attention, to be his sun, to be his light.

Uknowingly becoming the moon instead.

I reflected, I mirrored.

I tried to be her.

And it was wrong. It was very wrong.

I became obsessed of the idea being in love with him.

I became obsessed of being his sun, his light, his everything—being her.

I became the imitation, and the reality of it mortified me.

I hurt him so, so, so much.

I became a mistake. Horrifyingly. Disgustingly so.

I did despicable things to him.

Him, the Nura Rikuo who I took care of as a child. Him, my master, my friend, my love...

So I clutched the perfectly sculpted knife and held it above my heart.

I became despicable.

I closed my eyes.

I failed him and took him for granted so I will right this for him.

I slowly pressed it down.

He deserves so, so much.

I plunged it down.

Down to my chest. To my heart.

To end it all.

"I'm sorry Rikuo-sama..."

I smiled for the last time. Sweetly. Genuinely. For him.

Everything went black.

I never deserved him.

•

"You changed Tsurara."

"I loved you, I always had. But you changed."

"And you were in love with me. I can tell. You had always been by my side and I had always watched you."

"But you became obsessed."

"You became blinded. You strived not for me, but of the idea of being her, of being in love with me."

"And it corrupted you."

"You became for the worst and it hurt to watch."

"Our love was destroying you, she was destroying you, I was destroying you. It was painful. I couldn't bear to watch you suffer, so I banished you."

"I hope you understand."

"I loved you, and I still do."

"You're one of my most precious persons, and I hope the best for you."

"And being with me—with us isn't."

He smiled at her. Sweetly. Genuinely.

It had been so long...

"Goodbye Tsurara."

End.

(Disclaimer: I don't own Nurarihyon no Mago and its characters. Credits goes to Hiroshi Shiibashi)

REVAMPED

notes: revamped for the 57463th time. tragic.

the plot was all over the place and it was so confusing. smh. i hope i did justice now. esp to kana. i never intended to bash her nor for her to get bashed here. (nor any of the characters tbh. it was my horrible writing then is2g) i think i made tsurara a little horrible, but i just wanted to relay how obsession, envy, and depression can corrupt and destroy someone. theyre never beautiful. i rated M this for these reasons. (and that brief suggestive scene)

anw since rikuo's pov was so in demand then, i decided to add it at the end.

thank you for taking your time reading this. if it isn't a bother, i'd like to hear your opinions about this revamped version. :)

have a good day!