Title: Deep Secrets: Reflection

Character(s): Amanda Rollins

Rating: K+

Author's Note: These characters aren't mine. If they were, things would be different, and I wouldn't have to worry about paying for college. They belong to Dick Wolf and NBC. Do I have that right? Anyways, the only things I own are almost a dozen textbooks, a box of old candy canes, and a laptop I got for my birthday. This chapter is based on the song "Addicted" by Kelly Clarkson. I don't own her or this song. Also, you can thank my friend Kaitlyn for this idea. She had it first; I'm just "borrowing" it.

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Reflections in mirrors are often misleading. If I were to look in my mirror, I would see myself as others see me: strong, blond, blue-eyed, attractive but not drop-dead gorgeous. But that's just at first glance. You have to look deeper to see the real me.

And that's where it gets messy.

It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down. It's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time and I know I let you have all the power.

I can't stop.

It's not that I don't want to, because I do. I literally cannot stop.

Every Monday night after work I walk into that dingy little bar. I place my bets with money that I don't even have.

I'm not gambling with money anymore.

I'm gambling with my life.

It's like you're a leech, sucking the life from me. It's like I can't breathe without you inside of me. And I know I let you have all the power and I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time.

I know I'm getting closer to the bottom.

I'm losing this game.

But I can't function without the risk, the danger, the high.

It holds all the power over me and I know that I can't quit.

It's like I can't breathe. It's like I can't see anything, nothing but you. I'm addicted to you. It's like I can't think without you interrupting me. In my thoughts, in my dreams, you've taken over me. It's like I'm not me.

I'm addicted, hooked, dependent on it.

It's in my dreams, my thoughts, completely taking over my life.

It interrupts everything I do.

I'm hooked.

I can't stop it.

And I don't want to.

This isn't me.

I'm hooked on you. I need a fix. I can't take it. Just one more hit. I promise I can deal with it. I'll handle it, quit it. Just one more time then that's it. Just a little bit more to get me through this.

I can do this.

I can quit it.

I'm in charge.

I'm in control.

I can do this.

Just one more time then I'm done.

Once more and then I'm done.

But I can't stop.

I can't.

This isn't me.

It's not me.