A/N: What is the Ring, really? Just a tacky piece of jewelry? Let Gandalf and others enlighten you …
Gandalf
Bilbo has found a Ring in the caverns deep under the earth. I must say I am wary of it. Something strikes me as familiar …
It is a very tacky gold, but strangely attractive. Especially the way I saw him use it on Gloin.
In my long and far journeys, I find myself always drawn to word, thought, or mention of the Ring. Why do I capitalize it? I also found myself ever more often visiting Bilbo … he says he makes good use of the Ring. He has become immensely rich and popular in the Shire. Somehow it makes me wonder…
I ask him about it to no avail. Why won't he show me what it does?
He has used it to make him disappear! And lied about it to boot! I knew it did something!
Have gone and wandered far and wide. Discovered Gollum. Wondered why Bilbo described him as "strangely attractive" – didn't see it. Perhaps it's the Ring. Am worried for Bilbo – Gollum seems most jealous and unattractive.
I find myself worrying that they embarked upon something, in those dark caverns. And fearing for Frodo's safety, now that he is the possessor of the Ring. Have also begun to find him strangely attractive. Bilbo looking older.
Starting to find him not quite so attractive. And just when he got rough with me at Bag's-End, when he gave up the Ring.
AH-HAH! Have discovered origins of Ring! Finally pieced together what Gollum said, Aragorn remembered doddery old rhyme that goes something like this.
Three rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
Sounds kinky. 'And in the darkness bind them'?
So I have realized what the Ring of strange yet appealing tackiness really is: the One Ring Sauron created to subjugate the poncy elves, to become Lord and Master of all creatures! The Ring that, when moved from the hand to another place, is not only self-lubricating and orgasmic but subtly mind-controlling! In the Elder Days he made them all and gave them to the races. Men were the first to fall. He took the ones from the dwarves back because he thought they were unattractive. The elves made special Rings to combat his because they were unwholesomely attractive and didn't like to bottom. That's changed, for sure.
And then in the Ancients' War, when the Elves and dwarves joined with the Men of Westernesse to overthrow Sauron's blight upon the land and random coveting (most people were not comfortable being subjugated in those days, especially since Sauron was unattractive and into men) he was transformed incorporeal, so that without it he would have no body, Isildur decided that his "manly warrior-bonds" would be helped if he possessed it. He'd been getting the cold shoulder from the Elves and Company for the past seven days of marching, ever since he and Elrond had a tiff.
But the Ring got him killed, and the Ringwraiths became incorporeal like their master and unable to employ their lesser Rings' "usual benefits," and it wound up with Gollum.
Then Bilbo. Now Frodo.
Who is definitely unnaturally attractive. Those eyes! Those feet! Those curls! Those ears!
Must … prevent … influence of the Ring … must … not take it from Frodo and use it for its darker purposes …
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A/N: Done. I'd write another, but I have a concert in a very short time that is very long. Next may be Sam or Sauron or Elrond. Input appreciated.
-LOTRIGAIAAA