Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A/N: Okay well basically someone posted a story that I sent them to read that was based on my personal life and like now it's kind of messed up a pretty good friendship that I had going so I just needed to write this to get some easiness going.

Beloved Betrayal

Sam remembers that night pretty well. He'd written a story about his relationship with one of his past boyfriends and sent it to a friend of his that he had met online.

Sam remembers feeling relief at finally getting it out of his system about his feelings for his ex. He'd felt so restricted with his secret emotions, and to finally have someone else to share them with he still couldn't believe how good it had felt for that small time.

Tears clog Sam's vision as he remembers going onto an online story site for television shows and reading his diary/story on a CSI link, under Greg/Nick romance/angst. He'd been so heartbroken right at that moment which was sort of impossible because if he were heartbroken than he would be dead. But he'd gone to talk to his ex about it, although denying writing the story he'd just really needed someone to talk to and it all seemed so perfect to pour his heart out like old times. That was until his ex had asked to read the story.

Sam chokes up as he recalls sending the link to his ex after much resistance. He'd told his ex that after he read the story that they'd hate him and they had promised him that they wouldn't. No, now that Sam came to think about it they had never promised anything of the sort. But they had said that they wouldn't hate him.

Sam's back stiffens and his jaw locks because now he can't remember how he felt when he had heard his ex's anger. They'd been furious and all he could recall saying in his head was 'I told you so. Told you you'd hate me.' So Sam had made up some lame excuse that he had to go and study for an exam which was completely retarded seeing as how he's been out of college since Dean came and got him over a year ago. Sam had just sat there in his computer chair, watching as screen-names changed, people logged on and off of his MSN contact list. Just sat there, kind of what he was doing right now.

No, now that Sam looks back on his ex's reaction he can't remember exactly how he felt because he wasn't feeling anything, just a big, blank emptiness inside of him. Sam looks over to his washroom that's connected right off of the hotel room he shares with Dean and gets up on shaky legs, stumbling forward in that general direction.

Sam sees the razor blade he uses to get such a nice clean cut and although he knows he shouldn't be doing this the only thought that is running through his head is, 'Old habits die hard.' Reaching for the blade and rolling up his shirt sleeve he looks in awe at the old, white scare tissue that never really went away all those years ago when he had had feelings for his brother. HE spat into the sink, not in the least disgusted by his incestual love. He takes a quick slice at the creamy, smooth skin first to see how sensitive it is after all his tears that were shed earlier. The blade was clean and it glided nicely across his skin. Nodding to himself he took another slice, this one a little more deeper, yet he wasn't here to commit suicide. No, he knew how far across to make the line, how deep to allow the blade to intrude upon his body, he'd had practice.

A door opens and Sam drops the bloody blade into the sink mechanically, running the hot tap water over his abused and torn flesh, wanting the burning pain of the water. He just needed that little rush. After everything is all cleaned up he goes back into the hotel main room and smiles at Dean whose smiling up at him with that, 'I just hustled us up some more cash little bro.'

Sam nods his head and looks at the time. 7:38pm. Sighing Sam goes to his bedroom and curls up into the covers, wrapping the blankets around himself and smiling softly as he feels Dean's warm body curling up next to his and holding him as he just lays there, eventually getting to sleep.

"I love you Sammy."

Sam can only nod at Dean's words. Dean knows about his feelings for his ex yet he knows what Sam's going through and so just takes what Sam is willing to give to him. Sam isn't sure what that is right at the moment but he doesn't really care as long as he just gets some sleep. Before he drifts off he remembers reading once a book that dealt with a problem along these lines once. Something called Beloved Betrayal…

The End…

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