Kuso!
What time is it again?
Oh yah.. It's already past twelve midnight and here I am; just about to be home.
Well, I won't be surprised anymore. It's my usual time when going home- the only thing is, the street itself isn't that road i usually used to take.
All alone, I walk pass every blocked house, tall street lights, garbage drums and my most favorite of all, the park. My eyes glisten with those city lights shining from every building like stars that have settled on Earth. True that it's already midnight, but the city itself is still looking bustly.. and I like it so much..
Again, I face that boring road which will lead me home. After a while, I pause by a spot meters away from an empty bendo machine and a post of a street light. On where I am standing which has no light glaring in the way, as I throw back my head, I can see the whole shining night sky filled with twinkling stars. It's like I'm inside a huge planetarium covered with glittering heavenly bodies over me.
Here I am again.. smiling to myself as I start searching for a particular thing on it- which is not really there. Somewhere inside my heart I know it hurts.. suddenly, it aches like it's crumbled; crushed hardly like a helpless paper. It is a torturing feeling, no wonder it bring me to tears all of the sudden. As my blurry eyes keep gazing on the stars, I have come to realize-
Yes, it's true..
The loving heart that had gone fragile is now all alone...
I am now by myself.
The one I love so much is gone..
Gone..
This road I'm taking now isn't that road I have assumed that can lead me back to that certain place I call home.
This road isn't that way I want to take.
But I have no choice.
I have to adjust with changes.
I know that it's all in just one flick of a finger, then everything starts to change even without noticing it.
And as a victim of usual changes, I have to cope with it whether I like it or not. It's just how life goes. You'll be able to obtain something then lose it in the end no matter its value for you. Anything circles like this- and it's all because of a reason. I have never known it though, that's why I'm feeling this pain.
I get lost of time and realize that I have wasted a moment there. I wipe away those tears and resume my walk.
Thank God I reach home!! Slouching, I lazily put my hand in my pocket for my keys.
A silent dark room welcomes me home. I yawn as I put my shoes away and walk pass that dead living room then straight to the stairs.
Here I am now, in my liveless humble realm. How soft my bed feels! My stress from rehearsals is subtracted by numbers. But I do know- this bed alone won't make this sickness i have better. My head turns toward the night table.. and as I stare at the only picture I have with him, again, the aching feelings come back. I suddenly slump my face over my pillow, staining it with bitter water drops from my restless eyes.
Despite the sacrifices I've done, the tears I've dedicated to and the pain I've borne, I haven't managed to get his full attention. He even got mad at it.
But..
Why am I like this?
Why am I feeling this way?
All of those obnoxious acts, glacial stares, cold approach and bitter love; they don't matter to me now.
As long as I trust him like this..
As long as I have feelings for him..
As long as I love him..
..nothing matters.
No one can ever stop this feeling that I have. Not even that entity that created Heaven and Earth.
Destiny, fate; whatsoever it's called, I don't care withit. It can be changed by man's will. Man himself will decide for himself.
So..
I'll be deciding for myself and change my fate as well..
If it'll take forever, even death; I'll be settling to wait..
I'll be waiting..
My teary eyes give up and later on, I know that I'm already in dream world. That road i have wished to take again, that place which i call home, my beloved's welcome with his pale lovely face- I can see them cleary.
What's this..?
I am hearing footsteps walking toward me and it stops somewhere near. Then, a warm feeling blanket wraps around me subtracting the chillness I feel. Feeling that sweet caress over my wet cheek, I whisper his name dreamily.. that sweet call i usually use for him.
This is really dream land, and I'm drowning with its luring charms as I feel his arms around me.
This relieving..
This is peaceful..
The tiredness vanishes..
The pain subsides..
At last..
Yuki, I'm home..