TITLE: What Dreams May Come
AUTHOR: Th1rteen
E-MAIL: Th1rteen(at)hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack, Romance
SPOILERS: None that I can think of
SEASON / SEQUEL: any season, I think (Daniel is around though)
RATING: PG-13 (just for some language, although I'm probably being conservative)
SUMMARY: Jack's POV, he's having some recurring dreams
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Anywhere, (if anyone wants it) just let me know
DISCLAIMER: (Borrowing this disclaimer from Linz, without permission, but since this is my first ever attempt at something like this, I figured I should use one from a pro) Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: As I said before this is my first attempt at fanfic, although I've been reading it for years (I started with the X-files). Been watching Stargate for a while now, I hope I'm not mutilating the characters too much. All feedback is welcomed although if you're going to flame me, at least try to be constructive. I probably won't write anything else, it's just that the song "You Don't Know Me" (which is used without permission) haunted me and I couldn't help but get this out of my system. It is not a songfic, but the lyrics to the song are included. All will become clear if you choose to go on from here. Oh, one more thing. There are a few lines in the story that come from somewhere, movies, books, other fanfic, I'm not sure where, but I just thought I should mention it, and they, of course, are used without permission.
I hope someone gets some enjoyment from this, or at least gets diverted a bit.
Well, anyways… On with the show….
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Oh my God…. This is not happening…. This is sooo not happening….
She's getting married, and there's nothing I can do about it….
I have to get out of here… I can't be here, can't see this….
I think it just might kill me….
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I wake up in a cold sweat, my heart is pounding (which I guess is a good thing seeing as how I was sure it shattered) and I realize that I've been dreaming… again… I heard somewhere, probably from Daniel, that in order to understand a dream, or maybe to make more sense of it, or maybe just to see more of it, that you should write down what you can remember, as soon as you wake up. Seeing as how it's 0400 hours and there's NO WAY I'm going to try to sleep again, no way I'm going to relive that agony, I figure I may as well try jotting it down.
The dream has been the same every night so far. It's been two weeks now. I go to sleep and then I'm at a party. I'm in a hall with a big carousel in the middle (I know that this should clue me in that this is a dream, but well, I seem to be as oblivious to the obvious in unconsciousness as I am at full attention) but I don't really know why I'm here. I look around the room and see Danny, Teal'c, Hammond, everybody, but not Carter, not yet. But I look for her. Search for her desperately, like there's something I need to tell her, something huge, and urgent.
Suddenly, there she is. A vision. Well, my vision. Standing there smiling at me, and I'm lost, totally and completely lost in her. I actually have to remind myself to keep breathing, which I realize now, in my conscious state, is a true testament to how much I love her, the fact that she can stop my breath while I'm not even awake. Not that she has any problem doing just that while I'm not sleeping.
By some miracle I manage to shake myself from this paralysis and walk toward her. I'm in slow motion. It's taking me forever to get to her, and with each step I get more and more nervous. But I continue regardless. Now that I think about it, I realize that I'm not in control, it's like I can feel everything, tactile and otherwise, but I can't control it, can't speak, can't move, can't change anything, not by will. It's like I'm trapped in my own mind, or like I'm watching this all play out like some movie, but somehow I can still feel it. Almost like I'm a victim of someone else's stupidity, it just so happens that the "someone else," in this case, is me (not that it's like that fact is particularly far fetched, I mean come on, I'm a victim of my own stupidity every day, but at least most of the time it's by choice).
Finally, I reach her, she smiles up at me and again I find it hard to breathe. She's absolutely stunning. The thing that's shocking me the most is that I haven't looked away from her face since she came into view. Not once did I look around the room to see who was watching, I never looked down to see what she was wearing, didn't notice anything but her face.
"Hi Jack, I'm glad you came."
It's funny how in my dreams I'm "Jack" to her, and yet, she's still "Carter" or "Major" to me. Maybe that's because I know that if she wanted me to be "Jack" to her, I would be, in half a heartbeat. But, although I wish she was "Sam" to me (whether dreaming or awake) she never will be, she doesn't feel for me what I feel for her. Even though I know there is something there, it's not the same to her; to her it's not worth fighting for, not worth rebelling for. So she'll always be "Carter," to me, even though when I say it, it's more like a term of endearment than simply a surname. When did I get so sappy…
Anyway, I reply, "Anything for you, Major." She smiles up at me, and gives me a look that I think I've waited my entire life for because it seems to lift the gloom and heal my aching heart and for half a moment I can see my future in her eyes. But all too quickly, it's gone, replaced by a look that I can't name, maybe because I don't want to, because it sure as hell resembles the look you get from someone who's about to disappoint you, no, worse, the look from someone who holds your dreams in the palm of their hand, and is about to drop them and have a herd of elephants come and stampede all over them. Yeah, that's definitely a good description of that look.
I remember being confused. Not really knowing what was happening, but somehow I had the absolute certainty that this was something big, and scary, and most definitely not good. The moment again seemed to slow down to an eternity and I felt the almost overwhelming urge to scream and run like hell. But being a soldier for so long gave me the strength to fight it, although, now that I think back on it, I don't think I was controlling the situation to begin with, so even if I gave in, nothing would have changed. I'd still be standing there with her as she slowly formed the words that would utterly destroy me.
"I'm getting married."
I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to shake her until she comes to her senses. But above everything else, the one thing that stands out the boldest in my mind is the epiphany that I REALLY want to kiss her right now and that if I don't, I will, most definitely, explode. I want to kiss her hot, and hard, and in the middle of everything, in front of God and everybody.
But like I said before, I'm not in control of this one. So as I stand there fighting with myself, screaming at myself to do something, to stop being such a coward, I see Daniel, out of the corner of my eye, talking to the band leader. I don't know when the band showed up, but it's there, and so apparently is Ray Charles. The band suddenly begins to play and Ray starts singing "You Don't Know Me."
This song is slowly becoming my kryptonite. Every time I hear it, the feelings get worse. I'm not even sure I've heard it before having this dream, but I guess that's ridiculous. I must have heard it somewhere before. The one thing I am sure of is that at this moment I hate it, I hate everything about it, probably because it's just so fitting and the pain it causes is so acute, I almost want to call it surgical in its precision. If you've never heard the song, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Suffice it to say that it's slow and sappy and basically about a guy that is utterly and completely in love with someone, dreams about her, and all, but she just sees him as a friend. Oh what the hell, I'll include the lyrics:
You give your hand to me
And then you say hello
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me
No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend
That's all I've ever been
Cause just don't know me
For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I, I let my chance go by
A chance that you might love me too
You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, You'll never, never know
The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me
For I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy, I, I let my chance go by
A chance that you might love me too
You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never, never know
The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me
See what I mean, cuts a little too close to home.
She's in my arms now, what I wouldn't give for her to be here forever. We dance slowly, so close that I can feel her breath on my neck and it's definitely the most erotic sensation I have ever experienced. Her aroma ensnares me and I'm a willing prisoner. I close my eyes and surrender to her. It's so easy to do, even though I know I've never let go like this before. With Sara it was different. I loved Sara, but it wasn't like this. It wasn't all consuming while at the same time it felt so safe. This thing that I feel for Carter, the only word I can use to describe it is, "amazing."
The song must have ended because she's pulling away from me. I can't let her go. But I can't make her stay. That's the worst part. I guess if I felt less for her, I could be selfish about this, I could take her away and keep her for myself, never caring if that's not what she wanted. But there in lies the problem. I want Sam (see I said her name) to want me as much as I want her. I want her to ache with it, like I do, I want her to tremble at the thought of touching me, and most of all I want to be what she looks forward to everyday. That's the way it is for me.
I don't know how it happens, but suddenly I'm standing next to Carter. I'm in a tux, highly uncomfortable but for just the glimmer of an instant the thought crosses my mind that -I- am the one getting married. I mean why else would I be standing at an altar with Carter? All too quickly it becomes clear. There's a suit next to her, on her other side. I can't even bring myself to look at his face, the face of the man that has stolen Carter from me. I panic. I try to tell myself that this is what she wants, who she wants, who she chose. I start to choke, breathing is becoming harder and harder, I think I might pass out, no, it's worse, I think I might die from this.
The priest is talking, the sound is muffled by the blood rushing through my body and my heart practically beating out of my chest.
Oh my God…. This is not happening…. This is sooo not happening….
She's getting married, and there's nothing I can do about it….
I have to get out of here… I can't be here, can't see this….
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I just busted the pen I was using to write my damn dream down. Now I know I heard about writing this down from Daniel. Only he would suggest something like this to me. I mean it's so out of character. Only Daniel would think that this could possibly help me.
Oh who am I kidding? I can't get mad at the world (and especially not at my best friend) just because the only woman I want by my side for the rest of my existence doesn't want me.
I keep asking myself how it got this far. Why I couldn't see it coming and avoid it. I've been here before. I've seen this so many times. But something is different now. This thing hit me like a freight train and didn't even slow down. I'm at a point now where I don't know what to do. I know it's only a matter of time before my little dream comes true in one form or another. Carter is young, and beautiful, and damn smart, and funny… and I could go on for days about this. She'll find someone to build a life with soon, someone who will make her happy, someone who's not me. Is it wrong to want to die before that day ever comes?
I guess it's about time that I head out for work. It's still early, but a reasonable amount of time has passed and the commissary should be open for breakfast by the time I get to the mountain. Maybe Carter will be there… Maybe I'll get to talk to her before the daily grind starts... Maybe she'll laugh at my lame jokes… If I could get just one smile, it would make my day.
Man, I've got it bad.
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No luck today in the commissary. Sure, it was open by the time I got in, but no Carter. Seems she's been shut up in her lab all day working on some new gadget that SG-6 brought back from their latest off-world adventure.
-I- am stuck in my office doing paperwork. I hate paperwork. Sometimes I think about resigning, just to not have to do it anymore, but then I think about what I'd leave behind (well, maybe -who- I'd leave behind) and that effectively settles me back down, pen in hand. I guess maybe if I didn't let it pile up so much it really wouldn't be so bad. What can I say, it's who I am.
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There's a knock at my door.
"Come on in"
Before the door opens, I know who it is. It's Carter. I can feel her, always can.
The door opens and she rushes in. There's something on her mind. I can tell because she's got that little crinkle over her nose, but she's not really looking at me. I won't stand for this. She never avoids my eyes. I wonder what could be the--
And at that moment all thought stops because she's kissing the life out of me. I've never been kissed like this. It's like she's drinking me and I feel like I'm falling. I'm light headed and shaking and I know that pretty soon I'm going to fall over.
-RING- -RING- -RING-
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I'm awake now, DAMN! Yes, that was, unfortunately a dream. I seem to have fallen asleep and drooled all over my files. Oh well, I needed a reason to take a break anyway. Now I have to wait for the files to dry. I already missed my phone call but I guess it's just as well. I'm in no state to talk to anyone at the moment. My brain has gone south for the winter and I'm left in a bit of a fog. These dreams are getting out of hand.
I think I'll take a walk.
This was so not a good idea. I should have known. My rebellious feet have taken me right to Carter's lab. I'm about a second away from knocking before I realize it though. Chastising myself, I start to turn to walk away when her door opens and she comes through, not really paying attention to where she is, or who is in the hallway, namely me.
She backs into me, not realizing who I am yet. I relish the contact. She's so close. Softly, in the background there's music playing. Maybe I've finally gone insane, but no, it's coming from her lab. Oh crap. It's that damn song again. I will not lose control. I will not lose control. I will not lose control….
"Sir? I'm sorry sir, I didn't see you there… I was in a rush... I… I'm sorry sir…."
She's nervous. Carter's never nervous. Not around me, never. Suddenly I realize that I'm still standing all too close to her and that I'm not moving, well, at least not away from her. I feel this urge now, like everything is coming to a head. Like these last few weeks with the dreams and all, it's finally taking its toll, and I know I'm going to do something I really shouldn't, but for once, I can't stop myself.
I push the door to her lab open a bit more, and the song filters into the hallway.
"Interesting choice of music Carter."
"You don't like this song sir?"
She's whispering now… She's so close to me. I can feel her eyes on me, burning me.
"Actually Carter," I reply as I step around her, and into her lab. "I always thought this song was very nice to dance to."
I can't believe I've actually said that. I hate this song. But I can't miss this chance. It may be the last one I get for a while, if ever again. Besides, it's the only way I'll ever tell her how I feel about her. Granted it won't actually be me telling her, it will be good old Ray, but maybe I'll feel a little better about it this way, and maybe, just maybe, she'll take the hint.
"So Carter," I say as I extend my hand to her. "What do you say?" She's still in the doorway. I hold my breath. Her features change, she's weighing the options. She looks down and I'm sure that she's going to walk away from me or at least tell me it's not a good idea, or that she doesn't feel like dancing. She looks up and there's a glimmer of mischief in her eyes. Slowly she walks over to her CD player.
"Let me re-start the song."
I'm breathless and staring at her open mouthed. Luckily she's looking at the CD player and doesn't notice my moment of gawking. I want to be smooth about this, but right now I feel like a teenager with a crush. My palms are sweaty, my breath is coming in short gasps, and I'm shaking like a leaf in a hurricane.
She's walking towards me, and if I didn't know better I would think that my state of duress is amusing her. She's got this little smile on her face and it's making me weak. She's close to me now, and tries to take my hand. Finally my brain starts functioning again, and I wipe my hands on my pants before she gets a hold on them.
Even though I'm really not operating on all eight cylinders, I can still dance, at least slowly. I'm thinking that maybe I should try to keep this at least modestly professional and have some distance between us. Maybe that will save my sanity. My body is betraying me again however, and before I'm aware of what's happening, my traitorous arms have pulled her to my chest, and have come to rest on her back. My eyes close and I rest my cheek against her hair.
-No, you don't know me Sam.-
"What was that?" she looks up at me puzzled and the song fades out.
Shit… I said that out loud. Remind me to beat the shit out of myself when I get out of here… When did I lose control of my own body?
"I was just singing along with the song." Please buy it, please buy it…
"Oh…." YES! Cowardice prevails! Although….
Is it my imagination or did she sound disappointed?
She's pulling away now, not looking at me. Oh come on Carter, don't do this. I don't know where I got the courage from, but I gently lift her chin so she's looking into my eyes, she gasps as she looks at me, and then closes her eyes, and turns away, trying to hide. But it's too late. I know what I saw there, at least I hope that's what it was.
I'm so wrapped up in my own feelings that it takes me a full thirty seconds before I realize she's left the room, and another five seconds before I know that she -RAN- from the room. So, I did what anyone else would do who just figured out that the woman he loves wants him right back. I bolted after her.
"Carter!! Carter wait!!"
She's running now, and I see her disappear into the elevator. I know women play hard to get, but this is ridiculous. Out of nowhere, something occurs to me. Could it be that she doesn't know? That she couldn't tell from the way I was holding her, or the way I was acting that I am totally lost without her. That I want nothing more than to hold her for the rest of my life? She's so smart; she couldn't have missed that, could she?
I stop my mad dash after her and sober up a bit. I think I have to be careful about this. This is a delicate situation. It's against the regs, and even though that's not really important to me, it definitely is to Carter. She might want to just squash this, to lock it up and never let it see the light of day. The thing is though, I don't know if I can do that. Not when I know she feels this way about me. Not when I'm so close. I'll resign if I have to. But then again, that might make her run. That might pressure her too much, I can't do that to her. I think I have to talk to Hammond. I really don't want to, but I don't see any other options here.
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Wow… Talk about running out of options. Hammond basically said that if anything were to go on between two officers in a chain of command, the result would definitely be a court martial. Of course I didn't outright tell him that Carter and I were the ones involved, but somehow I think he saw right through me and knew exactly who I was talking about.
Now I really don't know what to do. Well, I know what I want to do, but I don't know if I should.
Carter has left for the day. Daniel told me that some airmen saw her peel out of here a while ago. I know she's rattled, hell, I'm rattled, but I'm also determined, and I think I have a plan.
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I went home, changed, washed-up, and calmly thought out my plan. Now I'm sitting in my car in front of Carter's house, nervous as all hell and honestly thinking about praying to whatever god will have mercy on my poor soul this evening.
"C'mon Jack, you can do this. You have to." I'm trying to talk myself into it, and failing, miserably.
"You can't just leave things the way they are. It's going to blow up in your face in the end… But, what if she doesn't want me? How can I go on facing her? How can I go on if I don't at least try this though?"
I can't believe it's come to this. I'm actually having an argument with myself, out loud, in my car. Realizing how absolutely ridiculous I am seems to do the trick and I get a surge of either bravery or stupidity, possibly both, and finally drag myself toward her door.
Her doorbell however, seems to repel my hand. I can't bring myself to ring it. I know, I'm hopeless, but it's so tough for me to lay everything out; to make myself vulnerable and totally open. But, if anyone deserves my honesty, it's Carter. That somehow reassures me, and I know I'll be ok, either way, because it's Carter, because of Carter.
I ring the bell.
"Coming!" I hear muffled behind the door. It sounds annoyed and for a second I think that this is a really bad idea. Before I can chicken out, the door opens and I'm lost in her eyes again.
"Sir? What are you doing here?" She seems embarrassed, she's all flushed, and it's making me want her even more.
"Sir listen, I'm sorry I ran out before… it's just that… well... it's that I was…. " I press my finger to her lips to silence her and decide that this is as much of an opening as I'm going to get, so I try to launch into the stuff I've prepared.
"Carter… Sam… I'm not really good at this stuff… ah crap…" This is not going well, I'm tripping over my words and my mind is drawing a complete blank.
"You don't have to apologize sir, you didn't do anything, I just went a little crazy, I don't know what got into me… I was trying to---"
"Carter, are you going to let me talk?"
That stops her, and she motions for me to continue. We're still standing on opposite sides of the door frame, but I guess it's just as well. If I don't get the answer I want, at least I can make a speedy retreat.
"Look Carter, I don't really know how to say this, but I do know that I have to say something. I have to try…" And then all of a sudden, by some miracle, I become surprisingly eloquent.
"Carter…. Sam…. I don't deserve you… but if I ever could… I swear I would love you for the rest of my life." At this point I pull the letter sized envelope out of my back pocket and hand it to her. She takes it with a trembling hand.
"It's my resignation Sam. But I haven't signed it yet. I don't want to pressure you Sam, it's not about that. It's not about the air force for once. It's about you and me and what could be between us." She looks away; there are tears in her eyes.
I turn her face toward me, "God Sam, please don't cry, you don't know what it does to me to see you cry."
I pull her toward me, my arms encircle her in a loose embrace and she cries into my shirt. "I'm sorry Sam, I didn't mean to make you upset, I was just trying to---"
"Sign it." I feel it more than I hear it, and since I'm not trusting any of my senses at the moment, I say, as I push her a little away from me, "What? What was that?"
She breathes deeply, and looks up and into my eyes, before replying, "I said sign it Jack." God, she said my name, and that sent a whole new set of shivers down my spine.
She continues, "I didn't think you felt that way. I thought I was alone in this. Do you know how hard it's been for me to keep working with you while feeling this way?"
"I think I have some idea." At that she smiles and I feel like I'm on cloud nine.
"I'm going to kiss you now." I say, not really warning her, but more like sealing this. Sealed with a kiss. Wow, two clichés in a matter of moments, is there anything she can't make me do? Probably not, but she doesn't need to know she's got that much power.
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I don't really know who kissed who first, but somehow, by taking what seemed like the longest route to the finish, I got what I wanted, and apparently so did Sam.
The kiss was gentle, exploratory, we were just trying to get the positioning right, testing to see what felt best. Pretty soon we figure out that everything pretty much felt damn good, and, by what must have been coincident consent, we deepened the kiss. It was sensory overload for me. I had to really concentrate in order to remain conscious. I know that sounds really lame, but under the circumstances? I've never had a kiss feel so completely natural while at the same time scaring me to death. I felt like I was on a rollercoaster but also like I just finally found my home. Unbelievable.
But the best part was Carter's reaction to me. She was grabbing at the back of my head with one hand, and pressing my body closer to her with the other. Then I realized that she was shaking. At first I thought she was cold, or scared, so trying to be a gentleman, even though it was the -LAST- thing I wanted to do at that moment, I pulled away from her slowly and asked:
"Sam, are you ok? You're shaking. If this isn't what you want, then-"
"It's what I want Jack. You're what I want. It's just been so long, thinking about touching you, about being allowed to touch you is making me shake." WOW! Never did I ever think that those words would come out of that beautiful mouth!
But she's embarrassed.
"Sam, you can touch me, it's ok. I want you to touch me." I take her hand and move it over my heart. She starts to rub my chest in small circles, and I close my eyes. She's going to make me crazy, and I'm loving every minute of it. Just as I'm about to slip and lose control completely, I straighten up.
"I think I better go now."
He eyes drop. She can't still think I'm rejecting her! Maybe some reassurance is in order.
"Sam," I say as I pull her face up to look me in the eyes, "If I don't leave soon, I don't think I'll be able to go, and I don't want to rush this and run the risk of messing it up. I won't go further than you're ready to go, I love you too much for that, so maybe it's better if I leave now."
She looks down and says, "Maybe you should go…" I don't know whether I'm disappointed or relieved. I mean leaving will save my sanity because I definitely won't be able to "behave" tonight, but in a way I almost feel rejected.
"But I don't want you to." She's looking me in the eyes again, with a small smile playing on her lips.
"God, are you sure?" I'm breathless (again); my voice is raspy and barely audible.
She nods, slowly at first, then she opens her door more fully and I moan as step inside, toward my new found future, and reach for her.
"I love you." I whisper.
"I love you."
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-RING- -RING- -RING-
Phone… again… I can't even open my eyes. It can't be! It's not possible! I felt things I've never felt before, how could it be a dream? I want to scream!
"It's too early"
At that I shoot up into a sitting position and my eyes snap open. I'm not alone. Could it be? Oh please let this be true! I close my eyes again and turn toward the voice. Slowly, my eyes open, and I am so struck with emotion that I can't speak. She's here, or well, more accurately, I'm still there, at her house, in her bed!
"Are you ok Ja-"
I kiss her, with everything I have left in me. I kiss her until I think for sure we're both going to pass out from lack of oxygen. I can't help myself.
"You're real. You're not a dream." Probably not the smoothest thing I've ever said, but right now my emotions are right at the surface, and things are bound to be slipping out. But it's ok. I'm with Carter, well, it's "Sam" now I guess (Sweet!!), no matter what, things are going to be ok from now on. I'll make sure of it.
I settle back down into the bed, and Sam quickly snuggles into me as I put my arm around her. I breathe a very relieved sigh and relax. I think it's going to be a beautiful day.
-End
Another note from the author:
Well, that's it, I was going to go into some stuff about the phone calls Jack missed, but I figured I'd quit while I was ahead. Just one personal opinion, while I am a Sam and Jack 'shipper, I do think that it would either end the show, or change it considerably (i.e. having one or both of them moved off SG-1). I don't know why I felt the need to share that, but, there it is. Hope you had fun!
Oh yeah, feedback is appreciated, especially since this is my only fic. It can be sent to:
Th1rteen(at)hotmail.com --- the "at" symbol is not working for me at the moment, but you get the point... THANKS FOR READING!!