A scream tears through the silence of our bedroom. I lurch up, eyes going immediately to the girl in the bed next to me. Her body is curled in on itself and is trembling.
"Johanna," I whisper, wrapping one hand around her wrist and the other going to her face.
Her eyes fly open, though her short, dark hair covers most of her face. She sits up, pulling her knees to her chest immediately. I hear her whimper slightly. She doesn't bother to move the hair off of her face, and she continues to shake.
"Johanna," I whisper again, leaning over to her. I brush her bangs from her eyes.
She instantly jerks her face to the side, "Go back to sleep."
"Johanna."
"Go back to sleep, Gale…!" she says, her voice practically in hysterics. She puts her head down, resting her forehead against her knees. "Don't look at me."
"What's wrong?" I ask quietly. I look towards the other side of the room, complying to at least one of her wishes, only because I know it's a pride thing. She doesn't want me to see her upset. She acts tough all the time, but her guard goes down at night. This isn't the first time.
"You know what's wrong."
"Yes, but you've never told me directly," I reply simply. "I've had to figure it out myself."
"But you know," she says, voice cracking.
"Johanna, please…" Out of the corner of my eye, I watch her.
Her hand twitches slightly, and she abruptly grabs it with her other hand. She lets out a dry sob. "I don't regret it, you know," she whispers. "I don't."
"I know you don't…"
"But it hurt. Oh my god," she whispers, wrapping her arms around herself. One of her hands twitches slightly again. "It hurt."
Her head is still down, and so she doesn't see me as I look over to her and move closer. I gently take one of her hands, pulling it gingerly from its tight position around her torso. Her fingers have small scars, like ridges from where they had snagged her fingers in clamps to electroshock her. I bring her fingers to my lips and murmur, "They can't hurt you anymore, Johanna."
She risks a short glance my way. Her eyes are wide and her face wet. She then abruptly looks back down. "I know."
"Look at me," I say softly.
"No," she whispers despondently.
"Johanna, let's just get everything out there tonight. You don't have to keep hiding so much," I murmur, "I know you're a mess on the inside. I know you're not as hard as you act like."
"I am!" she retaliates, but her voice breaks.
I close the small distance between us, running my hand over her hair and down her back slowly. "Shush. That's ridiculous."
After a long moment of no response, she finally looks up, directly in front of her. She feebly pushes the hair that sticks to her face away with shaking fingers. Johanna then hesitantly looks my way, meeting me right in the eyes.
"Happy?" she asks, voice barely audible.
"As much as I can be with my wife in tears," I reply softly. I reach up towards her face; the tears on her cheeks are killing me.
"Don't pull that wiping away my tears shit. And stop… saying that…" she murmurs, wiping her own eyes.
"Stop saying what?" I ask quietly, "Calling you my wife?"
"Yes…"
"But why?" I mumble, taking her hands and pulling her closer to me. "You are."
Her eyes drift up to mine. Then she looks back down, and slowly pulls her hands from mine. She lies back down, shaking her head slightly. I can see tears forming back in her eyes.
"What's wrong, Johanna?" I lie down beside her.
Johanna's eyes meet mine miserably for only a moment; and still, she does not answer.
"Why won't you answer me?" I murmur, running my fingers down her face to prop her chin up so that her eyes will stay on me.
She swats my hand away, but keeps her eyes on me. Her voice quakes as she speaks on in a whisper, "I was just your fallback option."
My face softens. "My dear Johanna," I say in a voice that is hardly even audible to me, "you were no such thing. You were—and still are—my leap forward."
Her eyes fall, but I see a ghost of a smile on her lips. "Prove it," she mumbles, though I know that I need not.
I prop her chin up once again and give her a quick kiss. Then I slide my hand down to hers and move it to her stomach, where a small baby bump protrudes from her stomach.
"Come on now, Johanna."
She just sighs, shaking her head. Johanna then abruptly places her hands on either side of my face and gives me a sloppy kiss that hardly even hits my lips.
"I love you," she murmurs.
I smile faintly. "I love you too. Now… you should get some rest."
Johanna rolls her eyes. "'Night, Gale."
I give her hand a quick squeeze, "Goodnight, love."
"Don't you dare," she warns.
"Love," I tease.
She covers her head with a pillow. "Stop." Despite her words, she like she's smiling.
I just give her a small smile she doesn't see.