"Katniss" Peetas voice is calling up the stairs but it's not disturbing the calm I feel vibrating through my body. It makes a nice change, contentment has been so far away these last few weeks; its such a relief to feel satisfied and pleasently comfortable.
I haven't really been looking after myself lately; it's very rare that I've left the bedroom. I can't really get my legs to work properly... apart from last night of course.
It's also quite rare that I'll wear any clothes; they make me feel confined and trapped, my phobia of that emotion will be forever present, so Peeta just lets me get on with it... I don't suppose he's one to complain for my lack of clothing anyway, he's still a nineteen year old boy after all.
Today I'm wearing an old netted jumper with just my underwear underneath; I guess I like this, the sun streaming through the window in our bedroom is glorious on the bare skin of my legs which are tucked up under my chin and for some reason, the soft duvet beneath me has the same effect.
"I'm worried about you" his voice is coming to me from not so far away now and my eyes find his, compassionate and crystal blue; my favourite colour for a long time now.
He really is stunning with his strong, square jawline; tanned, flawless skin, messy, sandy blonde hair, strong, toned arms crossed over a chisseled, muscled chest and a tiny, affectionate smirk on his face.
I wonder if I'll still love him as much as this in three years, then I remember how much we've been through, all the things we've faced together, and I'm assured that I'll love him more than anything, until I take my last breath... he's my dandilion.
"You always worry about me" I say, feeling a tiny smile pulling at the corners of my slightly bruised mouth and he chuckled, nodding.
"It's my job" he countered and I wonder why it had taken me so long to notice how much he's recovering; he's almost back to his old self... then I realise, maybe I am to.
He pushes away from the doorframe and walks forward, climbing on the bed and sitting on the duvet in front of me, crossing his legs underneath him and taking one of my hands in his. His fingers are calloused and strong; I trust those fingers I think, they're the hands that hold my heart.
"You can't hide in here forever" he says gently and I let out a sigh. I know this, but it's so safe and comfortable; its our place. No one else is allowed in here, not even Haymich when he's scouring the house for more drink.
"Why not?" I find myself groaning playfully and its almost a suprise, I didn't think I was capable of joking about things just yet.
"Because I'm your boyfriend and I say so" he quipped, pressing a mini peck to my nose.
"Overruled" I said and he smirked, shaking his head and grabbing my face, pressing a rough kiss to my mouth.
"I don't care" he whispered against my lips and I smile again as our foreheads lean together.
I'll never forget the heat of his skin against mine, the way his hands bunch in my hair and cradle my neck when he's kissing me; just the comfort and easiness of being with him, having that body contact.
I feel like a normal nineteen year old girl when I'm with him, lovesick and revelling in just being with my boyfriend... but I'm not Katniss anymore, not to the rest of the world anyway.
To them, I'm just the girl on fire; the mockingjay, the face of the rebellion that brought about the downfall of the Capitol. I'm the reason for the freedom sweeping and settling over Panem... but somehow I don't quite feel it yet, that is, except when I'm with Peeta.
My feelings for Gale seem like a distant memory now, besides, whenever I look at my old hunting buddy, all I see is Prim's lifeless face. I know it's not his fault deep down, but I don't have anyone to blame and he is indirectly responsible for my sister's death.
I can't hate Coin; she's in charge now and although her leadership is astronomically better than what Snow's was, there are still certain things we have to be careful about saying in public.
District 12 is unreconisable; the mines have been lifted, cleared and secured and a new system is in place to reduce pollution by seventy percent. Soot doesn't line the streets anymore and the black market is one of legality; we're allowed to hunt when we want to and gone are the days when the eletric fence cages us in more than keeping dangerous animals out.
I've only heard all this from Peeta, when he talks at me for hours at night while I lay across his chest, just listening to the sound of his voice and his steady breathing.
Sometimes he's difficult, sometimes he looks at me like I'm a stranger, the person the Capitol poisoned him into hating... but he would never hurt me, I don't think he can.
I think he'd probably kill himself before hurting me.
And so even though it breaks my heart to think the Katniss that the Capitol created in his head takes over his mind sometimes, I trust him wholly and completely.
With Prim gone, he's the only person I'm certain I love.
Mother calls sometimes, but our conversations are short and brief, from what I get, she spends all her time working... she's lucky.
But I think I'm going to have to go outside soon, I think I'm going to have to go hunting or get a job, or just... do something.
But right now I'm only thinking about Peeta and the amazing feel of his rough fingerprints stroking my cheekbones and his soft breath fanning evenly over my face.
Because this is real, and this is the only thing I have to lose right now. And even though sometimes its scary sometimes I think a bad day is going to last forever, when I think the sour sting of death and pain will always haunt me, Peeta's here and he'll rock me to sleep. He'll sing my lullaby to me.
"Hey, Bonnie and Clyde, I've run out of rum again!" Haymich's drunken drawl crawled up the stairs and I laughed when Peeta growled, moving to stand up and deal with him.
But I grab his wrist, knowing that I'll have to face the world sooner or later... and I've never been one for patience.
"I'll go" I say, holding onto his hand, but athletically standing up on the bed and stepping down from it, skipping down the stairs suprisingly better than I thought I could... apparently last night had changed more things than I thought it had.
I push my dark, messy waves from my face as my eyes settle on Haymich Abernathy.
"Well hello there sweetheart" he said. His spaced out eyes narrow as they assess my condition.
"Park and barf" I smile and slowly a big, handsome grin breaks out on his aging face.
"Feeling better then?" he says and to my suprise, his arms wrap around my waist and he presses a fatherly kiss to my forehead.
"Sort of" I reply as he pulls away, continuing his search for any kind of liquor. He's in luck, Peeta buys alcoholic Listerine every week now; we've just about got enough money for the finer things sometimes... but I really do need to start hunting again soon.
"Has Effie been in bugging you today?" Haymich asks nonchalantly and I can tell he's not as unaffected by the essentric ex-capitol citizen than he makes out.
"Not that I know of, we only woke up about an hour ago" I say and he winks at me... I'd missed his cheeky innuendos and rediculously flirtatious attitude.
"Why do you ask?" I inquire and again he simply shrugs. I don't think he realises how transparent he is somtimes.
But as if on cue, Effie comes crashing through the front door.
I haven't seen her in a very long time... I hardly recognise her.
She's still in her rediculously high heels but shes obviously had her skin stripped of that silly tint and her hair is long, curly and what I suppose is her natural colour of white blonde. She's wearing a dark blue corset under a denim jacket and flowery skinny fit jeans.
She still looks in her mid thirties but this style is so much better for her, I can't imagine what life is like for her after her entire culture has been destroyed.
"Katniss" my name escapes her lips I think before she's realised what she's saying and she's just as stunned as I am.
"Effie" I smile tightly and then she's scooping me up in a tight, overexagerated hug like no time has gone by at all.
"Peeta said you were getting better!" she exclaimed and Haymich indiscreetly turns to carry on his search for something to knock himself out for the day.
"Did he now?" I say, as I look backwards at Peeta following me down the stairs, looking slightly guilty.
"Well, it might my job to worry about you, but that doesn't mean that no one else does" he shrugged, ignoring my playful glare as he pries Effie from my body with a small laugh.
"What are you doing here then?" I ask and she suddenly looks a little apprehensive. My heart drops... what's happened this time?
"Coin's just about allowing designers, cosmetic surgeons and beauticians to stay in business, so I get time off when I want it. I thought I'd take a train ride and stay here for a few days... I wish I'd have packed a little differently though, I stick out like a sore thumb" she babbles as Peeta leads her into the kitchen to make her a cup of tea.
I sit at the table with her and nod animatedly when it's needed, laugh when she laughs even if its not funny, and grimace when she speaks of certain 'fashion chatastrophies'. I'm getting better at dealing with things like this, I think. I can pretend that I'm listening to people properly now.
Its not that I don't want to concentrate on conversations; it's just that I can't... not much anyway. The ordeal of the last few years seems to have played with certain parts of my brain, jumbling them around.
But that's just another bunch of pieces I'm having to put back together. I'm getting there though... at least I can keep a few of Effies words in my head whilst I'm watching her lips move.
But then, she's always talked a mile a minute, so it's never been easy to take in much of anything she says.
Eventually, when she's all talked out, Peeta guides her to our front door and Haymitch leaves straight after her. We're alone again; just the way I prefer it.
It's not that I don't love Effie and Haymitch, they're my family and I've known them through too much to not care about them... but Peeta's really the only company I want right now.
"Do you want to go hunting?" I ask suddenly and his eyebrows are furrowed and I know he's confused.
"You hate hunting with me; I make loads of noise, remember?" he says, leaning back against the worktop.
"Well, I think we need to get out of the house. We've been holed up in here for too long; I know you want me to get some fresh air" I say, standing and walking into his body so I'm stood between his legs. His strong arms are wrapped around my waist and I feel some sense of relief when I'm able to thread my own arms up around his neck and hug him tightly.
"You're worn out just listening to Effie talking for a couple of hours... but I suppose we could go for a picnik. It's nice weather and I just finished making some new bread" he suggests, his tanned, slightly rough fingers tickling and tracing gently, lazy patterns up the base of my spine as my jumper rides up my thighs a little.
"Stop doing that then or we wont make it anywhere today" I scold playfully and he chuckles, groaning when I pull away from him.
"I'll go and put some shorts on and get some blankets together, you sort out the food" I instruct. I realise, our relationship has always been this equal. We could lead each other. When I'm being silly, he shuts me up and forces me to eat or sleep. When we're making the important decisions, I can direct him just as much as he can guide me.
I know it would have been different with Gale. I wouldn't be this relaxed and happy; and after a while the love would have dissolved back into friendship. Besides, I would never have been able to work past what had happened with Coin and Prim.
No, Peeta is and always will be the one. I just feel incredibly stupid for not working that out sooner.
"I'm not a housewife" he pouted and I find myself laughing, which is something that I haven't done a lot of in a very long time.
Maybe these are the first times I'm smiling when I'm not in the woods... maybe that's what Peeta is to me; someone who can turn anywhere into my home, as long as he's making me laugh and loving me.
"That's because you're my bitch" I retort, biting my lip and grinning, running out of the room before he can catch me and tickle me or do something incredibly Peeta.
It's beautiful out here and we've found a new spot now; one that doesn't hold a significant ghost to me. It's on the tip of the hill, overlooking fields and greenery as the glorious sun shines down on us as we eat, talk and then lay on the grass in silence, hand in hand.
And possibly now I can relax.
Maybe now, just for these few moments of serenity now and again, I can accept all of the pain and blood and coal dust haunting my past; and just be.
Just be.
So when in three or four years time I feel the stirring of a child in me, I wont be paralysed by a fear that only the joy of holding her in my arms could tame, I wont suffer with post natal depression or end up going mad with shock that she might be everything I've lost, reborn.
I will love her or him, whichever one we end up with and I know, when the time comes, when I really do wear that wedding dress - the one with the stuning black feathers - I'll be able to look back on my life and be grateful that it hasn't made me bitter.
And Peeta marks the beginning of all that. What I need is my dandelion in the spring, the bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again, and only Peeta, the boy who was on fire, can give me that.