Lettie Hatter sighed, closing the door quietly behind her. Yet again, he just wasn't the right one. Why were they always not quite the right one, she asked herself, then quickly rerouted her train of thought when she saw where it was heading. She sat down on the edge of the small, iron-framed bed and set down the candle she had carried with her from the front door, the one Sophie always left lit when Lettie was going to be out late. Sophie was really too sweet for words. But it bored Lettie to tears, being stuck here in this nest of marital bliss and security. That sort of thing was only appealing when it was your bliss and security. In all other cases it was simply nauseating.
Lettie fell back onto her pillow, wrapping one hand around it and tucking the other under her side. She fell slowly into a deep, dreamless sleep, not even remembering to take her shoes and hat off first.
In the morning she regretted it, as her hat was mangled and smashed and the end of her bed had clods of dirt from her shoes stuck on the bedspread. Some sister she was, just making more work for her dear, sweet Sophie and then running about during the day trying to find happiness that just didn't seem to be there. But rather than wallow, Lettie drank several large cups of coffee, braced herself for a convivial breakfast, and raced out into the city to work and dull her ache with the hurried, crazy busyness of thousands of people, all trying to ignore and eradicate the pain of loneliness.
Lettie sighed over her work that morning in the bakery, sighed over her lunch break, sighed despite the crowds of men vying for her attention, and sighed some more on her walk home that evening. As her footsteps took her nearer and nearer to the door of the home where she was currently staying with Howl and Sophie, Lettie's heart began to fail her and she didn't think she could face another dinner with the two of them. If she had to watch another four moony eyes staring at each other over the small wooden table she was sure she'd take a knife from the kitchen and end it then and there.
So, yet again, she found herself wandering away from home, taking care to stay out of sights of the windows of the small hat shop and the apartment over it. She wasn't sure if she was more afraid of them seeing her fleeing, or of spotting the two of them inside, lovey-dovey and cow-eyed. Lettie walked more quickly, thinking about the way Howl leaned over Sophie, enveloping her in his tall, lean form, swallowing her up in a mass of black and white hair. A shiver went down her spine and she found herself running again, running away from them and from the truth she could never admit to her beloved, generous, sweet-tempered sister.
I can't believe I'm still in love with Howl.
Lettie wrenched her thoughts from remembering him on their wedding day, standing next to her in that suit, with his cloak still thrown over his shoulders in the jaunty, cocky manner that seemed to stick to him like a shadow. She remembered the way he smelled; fresh and spicy, with a hint of dark mystery. It was hard not to notice his smell, with only the bride standing between the groom and the maid of honor. Only the bride, standing between us, Lettie thought. That's pretty much exactly how it is. If it hadn't been for Sophie, maybe he would have kept coming to the bakery. Maybe he would have kept asking for one of Lettie's pastries. Maybe...
But it was all too late for maybe. They'd been married six months now, and Sophie had just announced that she was pregnant with their first child. Their child. Not hers. She could be an aunt to it, a friend, but never a mother. She would never be a mother to Howl's child. Lettie shivered again, and pushed herself to keep moving. Somewhere, anywhere far away from that house, that house with so much bliss that would never belong to her.
When she reached the end of the lane, Lettie began to run and run and run, her legs whispering through the fabric of her heavy skirt, her hair coming undone in tufts and kissing her wet cheeks. She ran and ran, head down, feeling the still night air whistling past her ears and chilling her bare arms. She ran until she ran into something, someone, with a thud.
"Oh! Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there! Oh, are you alright?" Lettie couldn't quite make out a face in the dark, quiet street, just a tall figure.
"Are you alright," a gentle, familiar voice said. Lettie's heart was in her throat as Howl reached one of his hands out to her and touched the side of her face, brushing golden hair behind her ear. "I was out here looking for you. Where were you going in such a hurry? Sophie was getting worried about you, with you staying out so late almost every night." He paused, and Lettie wondered if she'd ever be able to breathe again. "What's the matter," Howl asked, when Lettie didn't reply. "Your cheeks-"
Lettie reached her hands up quickly and wiped her face with a kerchief. "Nothing, nothing. I was lost." Somehow, it seemed partially true. "I was lost and confused, and then I got scared and upset. I'm fine now, really. Thank you." She smiled up at him, though of course it was lost in the blackness of the late hour.
"Alright," Howl said, though he sounded doubtful of the sincerity of her response. "Well, let's get back to Sophie then." Lettie's heart screamed, but she simply tightened her lips into an even less believable smile and followed him, her heart sinking deeper and deeper with every second. Heavy drops of tears fell silently from her lashes, peppering her shoes and the ground, but she held back the sobs, willing them to go away before they got back to the house.
They were turning onto the block now. Oh, god, they were heading up the street. Lettie's eyes filled up so she could hardly see where she was going, even with the dim glow of a streetlamp before them. She hiccoughed suddenly with the effort of holding back sobs, and stumbled against Howl. She wanted to say sorry, but knew her voice would give her away if she did.
"Are you okay," Howl asked, his voice soft and low. Lettie nodded, but kept her head low and her face pointing down. She thought he'd moved on ahead of her. But then his fingers grabbed hold of her chin and her face was suddenly vulnerable in the light of the lamp and his gaze. "You're not okay," he said, protesting quietly. A look crossed his face, a look Lettie didn't have time to interpret before she looked away. Closing her eyes and willing herself to be sucked up into the earth and just die.
"It's my fault, isn't it," he said suddenly, dropping her face and turning away from the house. "You're still in love with me. You can't stand living with us, can you? Oh my god, Lettie, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize...I didn't think it would hurt this much for you." He leaned forward suddenly and wrapped her up in a hug.
Lettie flinched at the contact at first, and grew stiff, but then softened and melted into the warmth of his cape and his body and that beating heart, that warm beating heart...
The heart that Sophie had given back to him, and that Sophie had. She, Lettie, had no right to it. "I- I'm sorry. We should get back," Lettie said stiffly.
Howl looked down at her and said, "All those times at the bakery, teasing you and flirting with you...I didn't realize that I was making you fall for me so hard. Sophie always did tell me I was a heart-eating philanderer." He wiped the tears that were now flowing freely down her cheeks and kissed her gently on the forehead. Lettie gasped softly, and Howl pulled back like he'd burned her.
"Let's just go home," she said weakly. I guess I'll find somewhere else to stay in the morning.
Howl turned around slowly, took Lettie's arm in his, and walked her carefully up the rest of the street. She appreciated the gesture, but feeling his body that close to hers was at once glorious and excruciating. She wished that they had ten miles still to go to get home, and then wished they were already there, and then wished she never met him, and then wished Sophie had never been born, and then wished she herself had never been born.
I hate you, Howl. I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the way you confuse me and set me on fire. I hate that I ever met you. I hate how much I love you. I hate you. Lettie repeated this over and over in her mind, steeling herself in case Sophie was still up when they walked through the door. She said it some more when she was alone in her room, when she heard them whispering softly through the cracks in the floor, when she was laying in bed trying to sleep.
Howl...