My first Deathnote fic. Uh, it's crack, IMO.

Anyway, I don't own it.

The Toilet Cubicle Talk

To say that he was pissed would be a big understatement. Although Light tried to keep his mind occupied by trying to figure out the way Kira killed his victim and or trying to think up why the bastard kept thinking that he was Kira, it did little to tone down his annoyance and or temper. It was a miracle that Light managed to maintain his cool even if the 'bastard' was just sitting there, in his little chair, all huddled up and drinking his hot cocoa. It was so annoying to watch the bastard hold things like it were so disgusting or contaminated with Anthrax. Light believed that for someone as smart as the bastard, said bastard should at least show some proper etiquette. Holding a tea cup or a plate or paper or anything that actually requires the functions of the human fingers, should at least show some sort of politeness; especially if it was given to you. Really, Light felt like the only thing that was missing was the gloves; rubber gloves at that.

Which was why, at the moment, it took of Light's control to not jerk his cuffed wrist that was 'chained' on to the bastard, just because he was doing that finger thing again. Honestly, it annoyed Light to no end and they've only been cuffed together for seven hours. If the bastard wanted his dashing and intelligent company twenty-four-seven, all he had to was ask. Then again the bastard still suspected he was Kira, hence the 'chained together' gig. Light still felt that the bastard just wanted his intelligent company. No, really.

Another pet peeve was the name he was going by. Ryuuzaki happened to be one of Sayu's favorite singers. When Light heard that he'd be addressing the bastard Ryuuzaki, he wanted to shove his foot down the said bastard's throat. What did the bastard think he is, cute? Well, Light long ago learned never to put the bastard and cute in the same line of thought. It was hazardous.

Then there was the sugar. It was always sugar. At some point, it was chocolate cake, then there was ice cream, banana split, pies, and the sugar cubes. Light felt pity for them. Just how many kilograms of sugar did Watari have to order just to keep up with the bastard's sweet tooth? It was probably enough to wipe out the year's stock of the country's sugar crops. And what pissed Light so much was that no matter how much dessert the bastard consumed, he still remained in his skinny frame and packed one hell of a kick too.

The bastard!

Light tugged at the cuffs and stood up. L looked up from his over sweetened hot cocoa (Light counted the sugar cubes. There were nine of them in that small cup) to glance at Light.

"Something the matter?" L asked, quiet and almost meek. Light really wanted to shove his foot down L's throat.

"Bathroom." Light grumbled and started walking across the center table of the lounge they were in with laptops screens illuminating displaying statistics on the deaths done by Kira. It was a very comfortable lounge. Light, personally, wanted to steal the couch and hide it in his room. It looked – and felt – very expensive, hence it was great comfort. It was better than his own bed at home.

L, as usual, followed. If it weren't for the damn cuffs, Light would have dragged the idiot with the chain liked a dog on a leash. Light bit back a sigh and continued down the hall to the men's lavatory. He wondered how he was going to sleep with this whole chained-together fiasco. Light suddenly blinked as he pushed the swinging lavatory door open as it hit him; how was he going to take a shower? Better yet, how the hell was he going to excrete? Light made a face as he made his way to an empty and clean cubicle then just stopped. There was just no way he was going to get rid of his human wastes with L like, what, standing three feet away from him? What if – and heaven's forbid – he gets constipation? The sheer amount of effort he'd have to give just to empty his guts is going to be embarrassing.

Then it hit Light again. What if L wanted to excrete? The face Light made was so bad that L was looking at him curiously.

There is absolutely no fucking way I'm going to be in the same friggin bathroom watching L shit! And with the amount of sweets he consumes in a day, just how many times will he need a toilet break? Light felt a shiver slither down his spine. Oh god and the smell!

Light swallowed and started unzipping his pants in order to proceed with the process of emptying his bladder. He actually wanted to use the bathroom an hour ago but just held back with sheer will power because he didn't really like having a chained person beside him while he peed. Just as Light was about to empty his bladder, he felt eyes on him. Well not really on him, but more on the organ he was holding.

Light scowled and looked at L. "What?"

L looked up at Light. "Light-kun is a very healthy young man."

Light gritted his teeth. He happened to be wearing a pair of nice Nike Airs – the one with the thick soles. The desire to shove his shoe up L's ass was so great that Light momentarily stopped the continuous stream of human compounds that he was releasing.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Light hissed. L merely pointed at Light's untucked-paused-in-midpee penis and blinked twice. "Are you staring at my dick?"

L blinked again. Those big wide dark eyes made Light think of lost rabbits. "I was merely stating that Light-kun is healthy."

"Fine." Light gritted out. The feeling of wanting to empty his ready-to-explode bladder suddenly left him. Light was pissed. "You know what, now that we're on the topic of anatomies, can I ask you something?"

"Of course, Light-kun. Go ahead." L blinked again and started chewing on his thumb nail. Light hated people chewing their nails.

"With this thing," Light shook his cuffed wrist a bit. "How does one maintain personal hygiene?"

L continued chewing on his thumb nail, and hunched a bit more. "Simple. From now on, both of us will share a room that has a bathroom with a sliding door. Light-kun need not worry about maintaining cleanliness."

"Does that mean that the toilet seats are also within sliding doors?" Light asked. He even almost sounded hopeful.

"The toilet seats are like any other toilet seats in a bathroom, Light-kun." L replied, as if the question was something one asked on a normal basis.

Another thing Light hated about L was the fact that he spoke of anything and everything as if it were nothing – emotionless. This, as far as Light was concerned, was no laughing manner. He got the feeling that L was laughing on the inside because damnit, there was no way Light was going to watch L excrete or take a shower. Heavens knows just how L takes a shower. And with his finger habits, how was he even going to even keep hold of a bar of soap anyway?

"Really?" Light couldn't keep the sarcasm from his voice.

"Does it bother you, Light-kun?" L stared at him with those big eyes of his. Again,

"Take a wild guess?" Light replied, counting one to ten slowly in his head and continuing his business before zipping up his pants.

"I understand how Light-kun might feel. But I've already told you the reason for this." L lifted his cuffed wrist.

"I understand, Ryuuzaki." Light mumbled quietly before heading to the sink lined on one side of the lavatory and started washing his hands. He took his sweet time washing his hands. "It seems that you are enjoying this."

"I'm only doing what is necessary." L said.

Light really, really wanted to kick his head senseless. "Can't you find a longer cuff? I know you're doing what is necessary. But I appreciate my privacy especially when in the bathroom, Ryuuzaki."

L blinked quietly then rubbed his chin, eyes looking up at the ceiling. "I understand. It is only necessary that Light-kun remain healthy. Of course, I shall mention to Watari to get me longer cuffs as soon as possible."

That's it! Light splashed a good amount of water at L and made sure that his front was all wet. "Oh sorry. My hand slipped there." Without another word, Light turned the tap off and began walking down the hall. L had no choice but to follow but Light saw how L had a very slight frown on his lips. How bad does one's jeans look when wet when said person just came out of the lavatory?

As usual, L said nothing, but Light was smirking.

Matsuda had wordlessly pushed the box of tissues towards L while Light continued tapping keys in to the computer in search for more information. Light did not miss the slight coloring of L's cheeks at Matsuda's discrete action.

XXX

In the end, Light was only human.

After pulling on an all-nighter the entire previous evening and not eating much due to the fact that he avoided lavatories, sinks or toilet seats like a plague, he was ready to tear his hair out. Last thing he wanted to do was come to a point where the use of toilet seats was unavoidable. So the next best solution was to avoid eating much.

Thirty two hours after that incident in the men's lavatory, Light was more than ready to eat the monitor in front of him. He was also more than ready to just pick a spot under the table, curl up and sleep. It was taking sheer will power to keep his eyes open and glued to the documents in front of him. His father had long ago gone home to get some rest and warm food. How Light envied his father. What would he do just to have some of his mother's meals? Light couldn't stop the sigh from escaping his lips. The more he tried to stare at the document in front of him, the more it resembled Mc Donalds' menu list.

If I'm starting to see criminal autopsy reports as burger menus off Mc Donalds, then that definitely isn't right. Light brought a hand up to cover a yawn and tried looking at the typed out report in front of him. It was no good; he was reading the components of a quarter-pounder. L was looking at him again. Crap.

"Want some, Light-kun?" L was offering his newly poured cup of warm hot chocolate.

"I don't think my father has covered my dental insurance, Ryuuzaki. We're a pretty normal average family. So no thanks." Light replied, definitely cranky. Why wouldn't he be? What human avoided toilet seats like it wanted to swallow them? What human would stay sane in Light's shoes anyway? "Besides, I don't like dentists."

"I didn't put sugar yet." L said, blinking his big eyes. Light just had to frown a bit. How does L ever keep a straight face was beyond human understanding. It was no wonder Ryuk found him amusing. Then again, if one were a bored reaper, anything can be amusing.

"No thanks. I'm fine." Light said looking back down at the paper. What would I do for a box of nuggets? Oh yeah, kick Ryuuzaki.

Light was only human.

So one hour and half later, Light was slumped against the open reports, dead to the world.

L merely watched him sleep with his chin on his lap before moving to carry Light to the bedroom. Watari would drop off a spare laptop later along with anything L might need.

TBC

Uhm … yeah.

Whaddya think?