He Said Start at the Beginning

Castle has solved her mother's murder. He presented her with the answers knowing the cost. He knew to do so was to lose her. She runs to Dr. Burke to help decide where to go from here.

I am thankful to not own or contribute in any way to the characters of Castle. AM produces a show created with characters of greater depth than are normally allowed on TV…I would hate to have the responsibility to main the quality of the show week to week.

Chapter 1

The 12th Precinct Present day

Beckett had been working for several hours at her desk on paperwork. Castle had called earlier letting her know he had a few things to wrap up before he arrived so she was not at all surprised when her usual steaming cup of coffee appeared in front of her.

"Thanks." She looked at him and gave a brief smile just before taking a sip. But, when her eyes met his, sadness overwhelmed his rugged features.

"Kate, I need to talk and I need you to just listen for a few minutes. At the end of it, I will get up and walk to the elevator and leave until you decide whether or not you want me back."

She put her coffee down. The smile fell from her lips as she realized how serious her shadow appeared.

"Do you remember when I went to see you at the hospital? I left there knowing you probably didn't want to see me again. You reminded me that it was entirely my fault. Montgomery died and you almost did out of my own selfishness. I couldn't stand to lose you. You said you would call in a few days. As those slowly ticked by I knew, we really were over."

Kate stood up. She was going to interrupt but, he put his hand up asking for her to wait.

"I went from thinking I had lost the love of my life to knowing she lived, only to find out I had lost her after all." Kate gasped at his confession, but he plowed on looking at the floor. He was unburdening himself and she had a sinking feeling at the pit of her stomach. She had been showing him for months that she loved him too, but she hadn't said anything. Now, worry set in. His face darkened as his story progressed. She could not believe he was saying these things to her in the precinct for all to hear. Why is it that his pronouncement of love brought fear to her heart, not joy?

"I went home and put everything I had into solving your mother's murder. I thought just maybe I could win you back by solving it. Late one night my phone rang. I didn't know the caller. I still don't. He said that if you looked into your mother's murder they would kill you. But, if you let it go, you could live. At that moment I knew that I had to solve it for you. I know you wanted me to share this with you, but I couldn't live in a Beckettless world. I said always and I meant it. So, this is for you. He handed her a large file folder with a jumpdrive taped to it. Jordan is expecting your call; don't make her wait too long. I wrote her current number on the inside of the file. "

Castle could see the pain and betrayal in her eyes and the anger coming up. Before she could speak he just said, "Just remember I will love you always." He turned on his heel and left a frozen Beckett behind.

Dr. Carver Burke's Office Present Day

Kate was angrily pacing across the floor of the office. "How could he do this? How could someone who loves you do something so…so…unforgiveable?" She turned and looked at her doctor. He once again gave her that patient calm request to sit down without speaking.

"Was what he did unforgiveable, Kate?"

"Yes. Of course! I mean he waltzed in telling me he knew what was best for me. He solved MY CASE. He didn't even consult with me about it. He hid it knowing it was MINE."

"But, didn't he find your answers? Didn't he give you the evidence and give you someone he knew would allow you to be part of the arrest for a crime that was well beyond your jurisdiction? Isn't that an amazing gift he gave you?"

She hung her head. Deep inside she agreed with him, but the pain of the betrayal was great. Why did Castle feel the need to protect her from herself?

"He had no right. His decisions got Montgomery killed, and me shot and now…I don't know if I can stand to even look at him. What did I do to deserve such betrayal?"

"Why do you think he did it?"

"I don't know you tell me. You are the expert. What makes another person believe they can be their protector and hero? What did I do to deserve it?"

"Kate, are you worried that you deserve the betrayal or could you be worried that you do not deserve to be protected, loved?"

Dr. Burke sat back and observed her quietly. Kate sat back in the chair, pulling her legs up to her chest, suddenly feeling small and defenseless. She played with the ends of her hair. Looking thoughtfully inward, her internal struggle danced clearly across her face.

"How could I deserve it? I have always pushed him away." It came out in almost a whisper.

"Why don't you tell me about it?"

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Why don't you start at the beginning?"