The house is dark when I walk in. I set down the flour, and sidestep Buttercup, who hisses at me, but does it without any trying. I find the emptiness strange, since usually Katniss is home. Perhaps she is hunting. I look around for a moment, but I see her jacket and bow sitting next to the door where she always leaves them. I walk into the spacious living room, dropping the rest of my things on the couch. On the table is a folded up piece of paper with the name 'Peeta' on top. I recognize that it is Katniss' handwriting. I breathe a small sigh of relief. This is why I haven't been able to find her. She's been in the woods walking or is in town to see Greasy Sae. She doesn't need her bow for that. I open the note, and fall to my knees reading it.
"Peeta," it reads. "If you are reading this, don't bother looking for me. I will be dead and gone by the time you find me. I don't know what to live for anymore now that Prim is dead. So I've decided to join her, and Finnick, and Mags, and Rue, and my father. I will miss you Peeta. I love you. Katniss" she finishes the note with her loose, half scrawl signature. I rub my finger across the ink, and it smears. Good, that means I can still save her.
I run upstairs, skipping every few steps. I look through all the rooms, and see a light coming from the bathroom. The door isn't locked, it isn't even closed all the way. I push the door opened and am greeted by an awful sight. Katniss is sitting on the floor in a pool of her own blood. In one hand is a bloody blade, and in the other are 4 pills. Upon looking at them, I see they are morphine, her pain killing drugs. I think of how strong they are, and small she is, and I know she didn't start off with more than 10. I run to her and look at her eyes. They are cloudy and far away looking, and I know she's slipping. I also note that her cheeks are wet and I know she's been crying. I pick her up and set her gently on the counter to look at her cuts. They are deep and long.
I need to revive her. I look all around the bathroom and finding nothing, I get desperate. I run to the large bath and turn on the water to get her mind stimulated. I need SOMETHING. Once the water is running, I turn back to Katniss. She has blood dripping from her hand, and I pull her fingers open to see she has been squeezing the blade. I pull it from her hands and throw it out a window. When I'm turned, I see a flash of movement. I look back at her in time to see her swallow something. I pry the hand that had the pills in it open, and find only 3, instead of 4. I knock them out of her hand and toss them out the same window I threw the blade from. She has tears streaming down her face and refuses to look at me.
I pull her shirt off of her and wince. She hasn't been eating enough and I can see her ribs. Sadly, that's not the worst part. She has long cuts all across her abdomen and across her ribs. Her arms look much the same but on her forearm, it looks like she was trying to cut in a shape. I dismiss the thought and I remove my own shirt and toss it somewhere near hers. I look to the bath, it is getting closer to full.
After pulling off my own shirt. Gently I ease off her shorts, knowing that there will be cuts on her thighs since I could see them on her sins and calves. On each thigh are cuts, but on the right side, it has a mockingjay shape cut into her skin, and on the other leg is the word 'Prim'. I don't know what she's trying to symbolize.
I take off my own pants as well, knowing she will need me to support her in the water, otherwise she will try to drown herself. I open the closet roughly, looking for a towel to soak up some of her blood so that she won't be sitting in bloody water. I gently press the towel to her skin and start to soak up some of the blood.
By the time I have finished, the towel is mainly red. Katniss pitches forward and I catch her. I carry her over to the water and with her still in my arms, I turn off the water. I put one leg in, my real leg, and set Katniss on that leg. I reach over and remove my false leg, which ends just below my knee. I set it down while keeping one arm around Katniss. Once the leg is removed, I sit down in the water holding Katniss. She shakes when we get into the hot water, and I feel her skin tighten. She shivers, and wraps her legs around mine and curls up against my chest. The water is turning a light shade of pink by now, so I know we can't stay in the water for long. I feel her tears drip onto my chest, and I pull her closer.
Once we get out of the water, she has the light back in her eyes and she isn't bleeding anymore. I walk into her room and get her some clothes and take them back into the bathroom. I close the door behind me and walk to her closet and open the doors. Inside is a change or two of my clothes from nights when we had our nightmares or just needed someone to occupy the empty space in our beds and hearts.
When I'm done changing, I walk over to the bathroom and knock on the door. I hear crying so I let myself in. Katniss has changed but she's sitting on the ground curled up into a ball. I walk to her and pick her up, holding her as easily as if she were merely a wet towel.
I walk to her bed and sit on the edge, holding her in my arms, letting her cry herself out. After 5 minutes and she still isn't done yet, I stand up again and somehow make my way to the middle of the bed, and I lay down and she lays above me, on my chest. Once the hiccupping cries have stopped, I rub my hands gently on her back, knowing there aren't any cuts there. Suddenly I need to know why she tried to do this. Why she tried to kill herself.
"Katniss," I whisper. "Why'd you do it?" she doesn't answer for a long time, but when she does, she's whispering so quietly I have to lean in to hear her.
"I didn't know what to do anymore. Ever since Prim died, it just gets harder and harder to get up every morning, it gets hard to walk past her room every day...I miss her. I miss her, I miss Rue, I miss Finnick, I miss Mags, and I miss my dad…I want to see them…I just…I didn't know how." With this, Katniss begins crying again, sobbing and shuddering as the cries racked through her body. I hold her on my chest, waiting for her cries to stop.
"But Katniss, you have me…aren't I enough? Am I not enough? Am I bad enough you need to try to kill yourself!? Is it bad enough that you need death to get away from me?!" My voice had risen to a shout and I'd sat up holding Katniss' arms, making her look at me.
"Peeta…you're hurting me…"she whimpers. Instantly I release her, scrambling away. I can hear a roar in my ears, and everything fades out.
When I come to, I'm sitting in the middle of destruction. I'm no longer in Katniss' house so I haven't ruined anything of hers. My dresser is thrown across the room, and my clothes are strewn everywhere. Somehow, my bed is against the opposite wall, and half of my paintings are missing. My room is just in destruction. My clothes are ripped and torn, and I have bloody marks all over myself. I need to get away.
I run from my house, tears streaming down my face. I don't know where I will end up, but I just keep running. I find myself on the porch of a house. I blink. This is Katniss' house. I need to apologize, I need to tell her I didn't mean it, that I'm sorry. I find her upstairs, asleep. Neither of us get enough sleep, so I decide to let her be. I'm about to leave again when I hear her whisper "Peeta?" I freeze. I thought she was asleep. Slowly, I turn around. She's sitting up, rubbing her eyes. I stand still not knowing if I should move. I look at her arms, which have a slight purple color. I feel a twinge of guilt. She doesn't acknowledge her bruised arms, or my tear stained face, or my ripped clothes, or bloody skin. She holds her arms out, like she wants a hug. I'm hesitant. What if I lose control again? She can sense my hesitation, and rolls her eyes. "Good lord Peeta are you going to walk over here or not?" I walk over to her bed and sit on the edge.
She grabs my hand and I wince. She pulls back and grabs further up on my arm. She pulls me into the bed with her. I lay on my back, not touching her. But she lays her head on my chest and I'm warmed by her presence. I stroke her hair, and we lay there together, neither one of speaking.
Suddenly she whispers "I'm sorry." Into the air. I hold her closer, my hands on her back now. I don't know how to answer this so I just whisper back,
"It's okay." she sits up and looks at me.
"No its not. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have put you through that. If you hadn't found me, I'd be dead. Peeta I tried to kill myself. I don't even remember why I did that anymore. You found me, and you saved me. You fixed my cuts and got me back…why did you do it?" She lets all of this tumble out of her mouth. I just look at her. I try to form an answer in my head. I look at her and answer simply.
"I saved you because I need you." I pause, debating whether I should tell her this or not. "I did it because I love you." She just looks at me, not answering, so I start apologizing to her and start to get up, when she grabs my arm and kisses me. She kisses me long and soft, and when she looks at me, she answers,
"It's okay Peeta." She kisses me again. "I love you too."