"ERIN." He shouted

He was being held back by two of his friends. it was all a blur. he remembered nothing. his heart ached. with pain and love. but he couldn't do anything.

His heart raced And he didn't know why, all he could think of was "why did this happen." and he would never knwo the answer he would never know why. his mouth quivered as tears streamed down his face, his eyes were blood shot.

as he stared at his three kids standing in front of him. they all had the same look on their face.

"Dad." The twins both said

He didn't remember much from that day. just a little over a year ago. his girl, his wife and his best friend left him for good.

Jay got up that morning, went to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee then walked to the table and read the paper.

"Chicago Police Department Benefitting the The children of Late Officers." And after it, it began to name the officers. Jay stopped reading but looked back down.

"Lane,Lindsay and Luke Halstead.."

"Damn it." Jay left his job at Intelligence, for a job in Homicide. but Hank told him to always call if he wanted it back.

To him it reminded him of the one thing that kept him going. That day he doesn't remember much from it, but he lost her

"Lane! Lindsay! We gotta go to school. Come on." Jay shouted

The twins were 15 and little Luke was just turning 5

"Dad, Where is Uncle Kevin and Uncle Tony and Aunt Kim." Lindsay asked him

"I don't know. Maybe I'll take you to go see them." Lindsay smiled she grabbed a pair of jeans and a Chicago police department tshirt to wear to school.

Lane got up and grabbed a pair of his jeans and a cubs shirt then walked to the living room. after he brushed his teeth.

Jay woke up Luke and got him dressed. He first dropped the twins off then he decided to keep Luke home.

"Daddy?" Luke said

"Yes bud." Jay had begun to unbuckle him.

"Where are we?"

"The police station." His eyes lit up, as Jay held his son's hand and started walking into the 21st.

Platt looked up from doing paperwork to see the man. And she smiled

"Jay Halstead To what do I owe the honor." He smiled for the first time in a long time

"I need to talk to Hank and the guys."

"Well you still know the code buzz on up." She said

"And Luke you're getting so big. You look just like your momma." She smiled. Jay walked on upstairs, Luke ran to Uncle Kevin and gave him the biggest hug

"Oh my gosh I missed you so much boy." Kevin said

"Jay. What are you doing here?"

"Can I talk to you? Privately." Hank nodded his head, then walked into his office.

"What do you need?"

"Can the kids come here after school? And watch Luke for me. I have an appointment with Doctor Charles.. I kept putting it off, but I I think it's time I talk." Jay busted into tears

"I cannot stop thinking about her. Gosh Everyday I see Lindsay she looks more and more like Erin. I wish she was still here. Does it get easier? Will I ever be happy?"

"After Camille died I was a wreck for years, I think I became happy when I saw how happy Erin and Justin both were. How happy she was with you. I can still remember the day she had the twins. Gosh I remember she told me 'I don't know what I'm doing. I can't raise two kids.' I laughed and 15 years later she did raise them. Take your time Jay. Time makes things easier."

"Hank, I don't even know what happened that day. I I just remember the look on Lane's face the day I told him. I remember the look on Will's as he told me what happened. I don't want that day to ever come again."

"Me either Jay. Have you visited the grave?"

"No. The kids ask but I can't bring myself too. I miss her so much. As the days go by I lose the memories of her, the smell of her perfume. I haven't smelled it, sometimes I sleep with her favorite shirt, and I have her ring, on my dog tags. I don't even wear them anymore. I just miss her so much. I don't know how the kids are. Linds has been distant and Lane I barely see him. He's always busy."

"Jay you're doing your best and that's all that matters if you want I can take the kids for a few days and you can get a break. I'm sure they'll love to see me."

"I don't know Hank. I mean I could use a few days off from them."

"Lane?" Isaiah asked

"Yeah?" Lane sat on the steps watching the cars pass.

"I'm sorry man about your mom. I heard. My dad told me." Lane turned his head

"Don't mention her. You got it?"

"I just said sorry calm down."

"I don't care. Gosh. You have no idea what it's like to wake up every morning and wish your mom was still here. I can't go five minutes without thinking about her. And here you're. I'm so sorry. No just shut up." Lane spat, Lindsay heard him and her friend Caroline.

"I'm sorry man. I didn't."

Lane looked up. "You didn't what? Didn't mean it? Right no one ever means it."

"Look Lane. I really didn't I thought you'd be over it." Lindsay got up and walked towards her brother

"Over my mother's death? Okay right." Lane scoffed

"Lane come on. People are staring." Lindsay said

"No." Lane threw a punch, next thing you knew he was in the principal's office, waiting for his dad.

The phone rang and Jay answered it. "Damn it." Hank looked up

"Lane got into a fight, and I'm gonna be late."

"Jay go to your appointment. I'll take Tony with me. I'll tell him something. Adam and Kevin can keep Luke."

Jay walked out of the district, followed by Hank and Tony who drove to the twins' school.

Lane thought it'd be his dad walking through the doors of the principal's office, but it wasn't. To his surprise he's kinda glad it was his grandpa and uncle.

"I thought Dad was coming."

"He's busy." Tony said

"I haven't seen y'all in like forever." Tony nodded his head "Now you guys seem like caring. Where were you when mom died?"

"Lane calm down. Let's find out what happened. Mr. Poler, what happened?" Hank asked

"Well Isaiah asked Lane, a question and to my understanding Lane got mad and said something then he punched him."

"Lane." Tony said

"What? I'm sorry."

"Jay how are you doing today?"

"I don't know good I guess. I dropped the kids off then I went to the district."

"Okay. Can you tell me what happened that day?" Dr. Charles said

"I remember Erin and I dropping the kids off like we normally do, then we got coffee for the team and she told me 'Stop looking at me, like I'm the only thing in the room.' But I smiled and said 'But you're all I see.'

"Okay. Anything else?"

"We went to the district, and Hank said we had a raid, so like we normally do I put on her vest. Making sure it's safe for her. I didn't want her to not be safe. That's her first layer of protection, and I'm her second. Or sometimes I'm the first. Usually one of the guys went in first but Erin she insisted she went in." Jay took a deep breath. "I heard a gun shot, threw myself in front of her, but she-she went to the side and then another one. I heard someone scream Erin. I I don't even know what I was doing. I can't remember. She fell to the ground, and I went with her. I I was shot in the shoulder. I didn't care though. She was shot in the place between her vest and it was able to cut her stomach and her guts.. I didn't think about myself. I don't know why but she was all I cared about. I was told I couldn't ride in the ambulance, but I wanted to anyway cause I needed to tell her I loved her."

"Jay."

"I was pushed back and told I needed to get my arm looked at but I didn't care. I only cared about where Erin was. If only I had stayed in front of her she'd still be here."

"Jay don't blame yourself."

"I don't know. I haven't relived this day."

"Grandpa."

"I don't know what's gotten into you."

"Well my mom died. That's what."

"Lane, you can talk to us anytime." Tony said

"Half the time I want too dad doesn't wanna be bothered by going to the district. I let him alone cause I know how much the district meant to mom."

"Lane, you can call me. Call Kevin we'd come pick you up. Take you for ice cream, anything kid. I think it's time we teach you some things."

"I don't even wanna go on without mom. I haven't stopped thinking of her since that day. Is still remember everyone's face as I walked into the hospital. I haven't been in the district since she passed. Kevin gave me this sad look, and he just stared at me like his whole world came slamming down. You grandpa you couldn't even look at me. Dad hasn't looked st me since it happened. I don't even talk to him I don't know what he's going through he doesn't tell Lindsay and I anything. Most nights he's gone drinking, Linds and I have to watch Luke. I mean I don't mind but I want the old dad back. You guys gotta help him. I miss it. I miss Mom, I haven't set foot at the cemetery since the funeral. And I sure as hell never want to. I haven't talked to Lindsay cause she looks just like mom. I can't look at her cause her eyes her smile her nose. Everything about her."

"Hey hey. It gets better kid."

"Does it? Cause it doesn't seem like it."

Caroline shook her friend and gave her a hug. "You doing alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Just a little shaken up but I'll be alright."

"Okay. Just checking. I'm worried about you."

"I'm good I just miss her but I'll be fine."

Later that evening Lane and Lindsay were both watching Luke for their dad.

"Lane what's going on with you?"

"What's going on with me, my mom died that's what."

"Lane I lost her too. I miss her so much but you can't beat yourself up over. Yes she's gone and I wish she was coming back by she's not and there's nothing we can do. I get it Lane. Dad is not the same. But be honest if you lost the love of your life would you be the same? No I certainly wouldn't you saw the way dad loved mom, the way he looked at her. God I hope I have the same kind of love. But I'm sorry Lane I haven't talked to you since she died and all we've done is just fight. It's my fault but I'm not the same. She won't be here on my wedding day she won't be here to help me go dress shopping she won't be here to help me with my first kid. I love you Lane and I always will but stop getting angry at me. Get angry at dad."

"Linds I'm sorry. I don't know how to deal with death. I miss her. I wish she was here to go dress shopping and everything with you but I will go I'm supposed to be your older brother and protector but I'm not very good at it."

"I have a boyfriend. I didn't wanna tell you but his name is Ethan. He's super nice and I haven't told him much about my family. I don't plan on it but I figured you should know. His mom is a nurse and his dad is in the Air Force he's barely home. I told him my mom and dad are both detectives. Lane I know it seems like I'm moving on, I am not. I'm trying to be happy.. if moving on is apart of that then I'm gonna do it."

"Well I'm dating someone too. Her name is Brooke."

"Lane I think dad needs a girlfriend."

"Umm Linds. You're crazy.."

"I just think he deserves some happiness."

"Be honest Linds would you be okay with seeing dad with another woman other than mom? Even if it meant he got some happiness."

"No. I wouldn't."

"I wish he was happy again…"

—

He stood in front of the mirror in his dress blues, and carried his cap. The kids were downstairs waiting for him. Luke Lindsay and Lane.

"Dad, I'm gonna go for a walk. I'll meet you there." Jay raised his eyebrow and shot his son a look

"Lane get your ass back in here. I'm not letting you leave."

Lane sighed and sat back down. He had been lashing out, at everyone his dad his grandpa his teachers. He listened today though, his mom was killed. the last thing he thought he should do is fight with his dad but every inch of him wanted to scream.

"You got her killed. You should have protected her. What the hell happened to being her backup. Dad. You lied to us. You said you'd protect her. Now she's gone." and he did.

"Lane I I'm sorry. I should've protected her more than I did. I'm sorry I let her down. I let y'all down."

"She's gone you did nothing to save her." Hank walked into the door hearing what he had just shouted

"Lane Christian Halstead what the hell did you just say to your dad?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I just miss her."

"Hank I can't deal with him. He's lashing out."

"Jay he just lost his mom. You haven't been nice either.. Out drinking, not coming home. I don't want you going down like this. It ain't fair to them."

"Hank. I lost my wife my best friend." Jay started crying

Jay sat in front of the church, seeing the coffin, he turned around and saw Lane who was standing in the back of the church.

Then a door slammed.

Lane walked out, Lindsay got up and walked to the back of the church.

The door slammed again,.

"Lane what the hell are you doing? Get your ass back in there. I get it you're pissed about Dad. You're sad about mom but don't do this today. This is the hardest day for any of us and you're not making it any better."

"Linds who's side are you on now?"

"No ones. You need to quit this shit. I'm tired of it. Luke needs us. Dad is trying to cope without her but he can't do it without us helping him."

"I lost my mom. And my dad that day. As far as I'm concerned why do people even worry about me. I don't even wanna go on. Without mom nothing else matters. She won't be here to watch us graduate, watch you get married on your wedding day. She won't be here to meet our kids. She won't see any of it. Here you are acting like it's okay. It's not okay. I miss her that's all."

"You don't think I don't miss her. Lane she was my mom. You don't think I don't think about those things everyday."

"I'm sorry I'm sorry Linds."

"You two stop arguing and get your asses in the church." Antonio said

"Uncle Tony.." Lane

"Get your ass in the church. Your dad doesn't need this."

"Neither do we. Dad doesn't seem to care." Lane spat

"Lane. Why are you being so difficult. Today isn't the day to do this. It's already hard enough."

"I'm going in.." Lane rolled his eyes, and everyone else followed behind him back into the church.

Jay held Luke in his arms while he slept.

Lindsay opened her eyes and

looked in front of her

"LANE." She shouted

"I miss her." Lindsay added, she bursted into tears and her brother pulled her in for a hug.

"I know you do I do too. I dreamt about the funeral. I'm sorry."

Lindsay sat there watching the wall, they both heard a sound but sat there quiet. No one spoke, all you could hear was the tv from their little brother's room.

"I wish she was still here. Y'know watching us play our sports, and watching Luke grow up."

"Me too. I invited Ethan over."

"You did? Oh well I also invited Brooke."

She smiled, and closed her eyes for a moment

"Mom, you have to meet him. He's so nice and everything I want in a guy like him."

"Well don't tell your dad." Erin chuckled

"Don't tell me what?"

Lane walked in and started laughing. "Lindsay has a boyfriend. His name is Ethan. She's inviting him to the barbeque."

Lindsay shot Lane a look then punched him

"What was that for!"

"You said something I said don't say anything."

"I know I just wanted to mess with you."

She was smiling.

Later that night the family of four sat at the table cause Jay had brought home Chinese and ate.

"Dad." Lane bravely said, usually they don't talk most of the time they ate by themselves in their rooms.

"Yeah son?"

"I wanna go into the military."

"You what?"

"I think after everything we've been through it's best I leave. I need time away but I need you to sign the papers cause I'm underage."

"Lane. I'm not signing them."

"Dad please. I need to leave."

"Lane you're only 17 signing your life away. I'm not letting you do it. End of Discussion."

"You left, you signed those papers. You signed your life away. So why are you saying no to me? You wanted to get away from grandpa didn't you? You wanted to leave because it was too much to handle. If you won't let me leave I'll get someone else to sign them. It's not fair Dad. You hold me to a higher standard than anyone else. And it's only cause Mom is fucking dead but it's your fault cause you did nothing to protect her." Lane shouted

He looked his dad in this eyes, and felt tears start to stream down his face. Jay had taken a deep breath before standing up and starting to walk away

"You are just gonna ignore all your problems huh Dad?"

Lindsay got up and held her brothers shoulder. Trying to stop him from doing anything stupid. "Lane is this really worth it?"

"Yes it is."

"Sometimes I swear you're so stupid. This isn't worth it Lane. Can't you wait a year? You'll be 18 you can leave now."

Lane sighed. "Mom would've told him he's overreacting. She would have talked with him and he would have agreed. But no, now that she's gone nothing is going the way it should."

"Lane please stop. This isn't what mom would want. You and Dad arguing 24/7."

"Well if he would learn to love me we wouldn't have this problem."

Lindsay took a deep breath, and sighed. "Lane I don't know how to speak to either one of you. I'm gonna go talk to dad."

"Well good cause I'm leaving."

I truly believe I never worked harder on something than his one. I think I spent about 5 months just typing what I thought would be good. I guess let's see. I hope you enjoy this. I'll keep it short it's been months since I've posted anything and I apologize but I'm just living my best life. Happy Holidays y'all

- Madds