Chapter One: the Interview
The lady drew a neat line through the name on the list before her as a girl with short brown hair left the room. The dull thud of her modestly high pumps echoed through the wood paneled room.
"Next."
The girl that entered this time was hauntingly beautiful. Wide, hopeful green eyes peered through the tangle of golden hair. An air of tragic strength clung to her like a tangible cloak. Gliding with the grace of a swan she crossed the room and sat demurely in the seat before the lady's austere desk. The lady's thin lips twisted in mild distaste.
"Name?"
"Mary…Mary Sue Perkins," the girl replied softly, her voice like wind chimes.
"Mary Sue…" The woman jotted something down on the list and returned her piercing gaze to the cowering girl before her. "Why do you want this assignment?"
"I'm running from a tragic past filled with dark secrets and deadly enemies. I need to find myself inexplicably transported into another universe and there meet a dangerously handsome man. He, in turn, will feel drawn to my waif-like vulnerability and eventually fall in love me."
The lady raised a plucked brow and frowned slightly. "Is that it?"
"No. Once there I will suddenly develop super powers and be able to do incredible feats and yet still require him to rescue me all the time. He will also save me repeatedly from the dark secrets that haunt me and follow me until the dramatic climax where I will save him instead. We will the profess our love for each other, having vanquished our sordid past, and either live happily together or I'll be ripped away from his arms and forced to come back here. Then will both pine for each other and possibly meet in a sequel."
"You've had a lot of time to plan this out, haven't you?" The girl nodded solemnly. "We'll call you. Next." Mary Sue Perkins heaved a suitably sorrowful sigh and trudged elegantly from the room. The cloud of tragedy followed her out and came back in with the next girl, this time a soulful redhead.
"Name?" The girl rambled off a long and suitably romantic name that no normal person could hope to remember much less pronounce. "Have a seat and I would like to ask you some questions."
"Alright."
"You're another member of the Tragic Past and Unpronounceable Name Committee, correct?" The girl nodded solemnly, a single crystal tear trickled down her cheek for affect. "Good, that saves some questions. Now, how are your cooking skills?"
The girl shrugged as a light blush swept across her cheeks. "I'm quite good at it. I can make anything from anything, but I don't want to brag. Just impress the man of my dreams with my culinary mastery and win his heart that way."
"I see you're a student of Reaching a Man's Heart through His Stomach technique. We'll call you. Next."
The lady drew a straight line through the girl's name with ruthless efficiency and precision. She paid no heed as the redhead sobbed in that special way that prevented eyes and nose from ever becoming puffy and red. Several minutes past and no other girls appeared. The lady stared at the large oaken door in annoyance.
"Next."
"Excuse me." A girl with bright magenta hair stuck her head in and looked around.
"Yes?" Interest glowed in the lady's cool gray eyes as she regarded the new girl.
"Is this the Bureau of Misplaced Souls?"
"No this is the Office of Experiments in Anime Universes. We send young men and woman, mostly woman, through portals and drop them in various series to chart their interactions and the alacrity with which they develop a relationship with a man or woman there." The girl scratched her head and blew a lock of hair out of the way.
"Cool. Could you tell me where the office of the Bureau of Misplaced Souls is? I haven't been able to find mine since last Saturday and it's starting to interfere with my studies."
"May I ask a few questions first?"
"Sure. Knock yourself out." The girl fully entered the room and shifted nervously just inside the door.
"What is your name?"
"Kendel Harmony Smith, the first and hopefully the last," the girl replied with a mocking salute. The lady scrutinized her closely and then jotted down a few notes.
"Do you have a tragic past?"
"Sure, I didn't start doing this huge history paper a month ago and now it's due in a week. I haven't even checked out any books and I have to pull twenty pages out of my…brain."
"Interesting. Now how are your cooking skills?"
"I am the queen of the microwave and cold sandwich. I can also make a mean toasted bagel," Kendel chortled.
"What about with an oven, range or open fire?"
"What about them?"
"Can you use them?"
"Would you define 'using' them as not burning down the house and surrounding area?" The lady nodded curtly. "Haven't tried. We have microwaves after all."
"Indeed. Final question."
"Hit me."
"Do you desperately want to escape your current situation for some reason?"
The girl frowned pensively and tugged absently at a lock of magenta hair. "I so don't want to have to do that history paper…but this really cute boy at my school just asked me out. I've been crushing on him for years and he finally noticed me. I'd have to say no. History paper or no history paper, I'm not gonna miss it for the world. He's so cool and hot. Have you seen his six-pack? Of course not, but trust me. He is seriously yummy."
"I see. Wonderful," the lady murmured as she made a decisive stroke beneath the notes she had been taking unbeknownst to the girl.
"So…could you tell me where the Bureau is now?" Kendel asked hopefully. "I'd like to get my soul back as soon as possible."
"I have an alternative offer," the woman informed as she surreptitiously pressed a button beneath her desk.
"I don't like travelling much. Jet lag and all that, sorry." The door slammed shut and the scraping of metal against wood indicated that it had been locked as well.
"I'm afraid I can't accept that. Please relax, you might even enjoy yourself. Who knows?"
"What the hell?" Kendel demanded as she pulled uselessly at the doorknob. "Are you some sort of psycho?" She threw her full weight against the door to no avail. "Let me out of here. I need to find my soul soon."
From a sliding panel behind the lady's desk a pair of burly men dressed in a cross between combat fatigues and ER scrubs enter. The lady inclined her head towards the girl trying to escape. The two men nodded, one producing a syringe, and headed over to her.
"Don't touch me, you mother f…" The man with the syringe deftly inserted the needle into one of her arms held rigid by the other. The girl swayed uncertainly in their grip, eyes darting about the room. One of them tossed her over his shoulder and the three adults exited the room via the sliding panel.
"What's going on?" Kendel demanded groggily as the men placed her on a surgical table and the lady began flipping switches. Bright light flooded the room. She vaguely noticed strange instruments and strange technological devices scattered about the otherwise austere room.
They placed a mask over her nose and mouth. She tried to hold her breath, but after several seconds her oxygen deprived lungs forced her to inhale. A frantic heartbeat seemed to superimpose the words being spoken by the adults as she breathed the strangely metallic air. She could understand them, but a strange apathy held her and she couldn't find the inclination to care.
"We are performing an experiment to see whether traditional Mary Sue characteristics and mannerisms are inherent and, therefore, hereditary. Or whether they are the result of environment and outside stimuli," the lady informed her coolly. She felt two pairs of strong hands grip her arms and legs and then turn her over on her stomach.
"Mary Sue…?" Something cold pressed firmly against her back. With a sharp whine the object began to spin faster and faster against her skin. Burning hot it bored into the flesh and muscle between her shoulder blades. She shifted under the pain, but, so far sunk in a feeling of indifferent calm, she didn't resist.
"A character created by an author whose sole purpose is to be inserted into a piece of writing involving a series, be it anime or any other media. There she, or he as the case is sometimes, interacts with the characters and usually brings about plot twists that would not normally happen in the series. You are another created character, but you lack the basic aspects normally associated with your kind."
The lady noted that the girl had fallen asleep during her explanation, the drugs having finally kicked in. She sniffed in annoyance and motioned for one of the nurses to start the sequence. The other continued to stitch a flap of skin over the tracking device embedded in the girl's back.
"Series?"
"Trigun," the lady replied curtly, as she checked the girl's vitals.
"Time?"
"Unspecified. Outside of story line." The man finished typing in the instructions. A low, throbbing hum filled the room, as ribbons of static flowed towards the center of an oval contraption of metal and wires.
"Transmitter implanted."
"Portal nominal."
"Good. Prepare the subject."
"You do realize, doctor, that this one has no soul. I thought we weren't going to enter that phase of the experiment until later."
"We have to seize the opportunities as they come," the lady declared imperiously. The two men nodded obediently then pulled the unconscious girl from the table. They carried her to the portal, now completely awash in static streams, and tossed her through.
The lady sat down at a console and quickly typed in a series of numbers.
"The tracking device is working properly and the targeted character is within a mile," she announced as she stared intently at the flickering screen before her. "Any other life-forms?"
"One other, human from the look of it. Possibly a danger to subject forty-two."
"Perfect."
"Doctor?" the two men asked in unison.
"We'll see if danger provokes a typical Mary Sue reaction. Begin recording."
* * * *
Okay, before you flame me horribly for this I just want to say that I do support author created characters. In fact I only have two or three fics where there aren't any author created characters. And since the preponderance of my other stories involve a 'Mary Sue' character, I thought I'd just do a parody of 'em.
So please review and tell me what you think. Much love, y'all.