This is why we lived twitching, as if we'd ever sense what could help us. - Lucy Corin, One Hundred Apocalypses and other apocalypses
"I love you, I really love you," he says. He stares at himself in the mirror. "You are a very handsome man." He makes his voice all high and girly. "You're the best, Marty." He even sings. "You give good love to me, baaaaabey, so gooooooooooooood, take this heart of mine, into your hands."
He says, "I don't think there's technically anything wrong with me, you know. I watched Iron Man 3 a lot, like many too times and that stuff can be, it gets in your head." This time he is talking to his old shrink. He started seeing her when he was in college. That time it was because he wasn't having a heart attack, it was a panic attack. Also known as the time he swore off cocaine forever and ever.
He told her, once he knew it was confidential, that it wasn't a heart attack or panic attack, it was just cocaine. He would never do it again so she didn't need to waste time on him.
She just looked at him. And now he's back after all these years. "I was hoping to confine our meetings to when I volunteered at the shelter."
"I was hoping nothing would ever happen to you to bring you back here," she says.
"It wasn't that bad," he says.
Back at the mirror, Marty is done with his affirmations. "You are so awesome," he says, to finish himself off.
Kensi is beautiful and skittish and she has this smile he likes to think about when she's not there. "Maybe if she just stays with me every night, I'll be fine with sleep," Marty says to his shrink. He fiddles with the prescriptions in his hand. He has four now. "I was given the impression that I didn't need anything for this, just, you know, clarity."
"Whomever gave you that impression does not deserve to be near patients," his shrink says.
"That is very harsh," he says.
She shrugs.
"He seems like a nice guy," Marty says.
Kensi likes Nate, too. Kensi asked about him, when Marty came back to work. "Did you see Nate?"
"I did," he told her. He waited for her to smile. He waits for her to smile. She is his favorite in the whole world. He doesn't tell her his shrink's harsh assessment of Nate. Even though she's met his shrink, he doesn't tell her anything.
He firmly believes, no matter what people tell him, that talking about things is bad and unproductive. He didn't talk about his childhood, and that's fine now. He's a good man and he's good at his job and he's a damn good surfer, and he takes excellent care of his dog. If he were to have Kensi in all the ways he wants, he would show her he's a great lover.
His shrink says he knows the advice he received was inadequate because here he is at her door. Without even making an appointment, and poor Monty in the car. "Well, it felt like I'd done cocaine and I know I hadn't done cocaine, so I thought, hey, where did I go last time?"
One week on all his prescriptions and he is indeed sleeping better, and sleeping period, even when Kensi isn't there which is actually always. She is really invested in how everything is fine, though she keeps asking him what Nate said, if he's on medication or anything. It's sweet, but he doubts her motives.
(See, he hears in his head, she knows you're broken and now you're basically worthless and everything you do is embarrassing and this is her way out.)
He sleeps but his mind is a wreck. He still jumps from moment to moment, sees the same awful shit when he closes his eyes and can't stop thinking about the dumbest things. What if he'd died, what if no one remembered to take care of Monty. He worries about that dog all the time now.
He does some finger guns at the mirror and straightens his tie. "Any day now," Sam says in his earpiece. "And I did not enjoy hearing you butcher Whitney. Have some respect, Deeks."
He hears the kindness in Sam's voice.
He walks out of the bathroom and into the very serious office of the very nasty lawyers who are also apparently doing some money laundering for some very not nice white supremacists out of Paraguay. "Paraguay is new," he said in Ops. "Is this our first evildoer from there?"
Everyone ignored him and Kensi rolled her eyes. He's been reliving that moment for the last two days. Over and over and over again. He didn't use to do that. This is a change and not one he likes very much.
He is still very good at his work. He can relax and just do what he needs to do. He talks the legal talk and adds in a soft Southern accent, manages to see the wifi password, passes it on quietly to Eric and Nell, they activate the doohickey in his cellphone, et voila. Lawyers are going down.
He gets out of the building twenty minutes later and walks the two blocks to his car. He spots Kensi and tries to wink. She smiles her beautiful perfect smile at him.
They both hear the shot, he sees her eyes widen and he ducks behind a car. Not fast enough.
He wakes up in the hospital, again, and someone who realizes is Kensi is holding his hand. He's very foggy. Kensi says, "Hey. You're okay."
"I got shot again? Your turn next for real," he says.
"The bullet, bullets ricocheted, the car's windows exploded, car burst into flames -"
"How's my hair?"
"Untouched," she says, smiling. "You were just winged. Shoulder and leg. You'll be out of here tomorrow. Probably won't feel great for a week or so."
She presses her lips together and stares down like her lap is very interesting. She says, "I went in your bag and found your prescriptions for the doctors. I knew you didn't want to tell me and I get it, but there are a lot of drug interactions you have to worry about, with painkillers and -"
"S'okay," he says. "Not mad. Thanks." He squeezes her hand. "I love you. I would kiss you but I have no idea when the last time I brushed my teeth was."
She looks at him, stupefied.
He says, "Or you can write this off and pretend I was on drugs and didn't mean it. And we'll go back to normal."
She says, "How exactly would we go back to normal after that?"
"You're an amazing woman, Kensi Marie," he says.
"That sounds almost insulting," she says. "I think it is. But. Look. I don't want normal. I want you to trust me when stuff happens or is happening like with that girl Monica or why you're on four different medications in really strong doses. You can tell me things."
"Like I love you?" They are still holding hands.
"Yeah," she says. She leans over and kisses him, chastely, on the lips, no tongue. Maybe she wants to brush her teeth before the hot and heavy stuff again.
"I said it first," he says. "Are you gonna freak out or anything? I have some great, I have some xanax you can take to help with that."
She is tearing up. He doesn't quite get it. He's alive, she's alive, they managed to have something like a conversation. He hasn't exactly lost his shit that much. He believes she loves him.
He believes.