Note: Now, this is inspired by the song Shiwa (Itou Kashitarou's cover). Please enjoy!
Photo Album
Children are good. They are so innocent, full of life, and still have years to spend.
When I was a child, I actually never have inkling to spend life like a normal kid, maybe because of my disposition not to be noticed by others easily.
And here they go.
"Oji-chan! Can we go here tomorrow again?" a boy, around five years old raised his hand. He was currently near my lap, since I sat in a rocking chair.
"Kuroko-oji-chan, can we? I want your stories again!" this time a girl flashed a smile while asking.
"Yes, look forward to it." I declared, my voice a little bit trembling like an old man would. They then went to their respective mothers.
As I saw them run to their parents, I wondered if I even had such moment in my life. It didn't matter anymore anyway. With my age, such things like regret were just some scars of the past.
"You're really loved, Kuroko-san." A young lady that was one of the workers in the daycare said.
"Well, I can only go here just to barge in the work. So, it's better to please the young ones."
"No, no, Kuroko-san's actually a big help! Please come here by tomorrow as well."
"I'll be going, then."
With my cane, I supported myself until reaching the usual building found just 10 minutes of walking away from the daycare. I entered the elevator, and reached the floor where I lived.
Reaching the keys from my pant's pocket, I just suddenly noticed the label.
Written in it was "Kagami" and then a sloppy writing of "and Kuroko". I just chuckled at the memory.
Let's put "and Kuroko" here!
For what?
…And it's done!
You have a bad handwriting Taiga-kun.
Shut up!
I never said I hated it.
I opened the lights, and went to the living room.
I recalled how it looked so minimalistic during my first days of stay, and it was still like that.
…Or I should say, it looked emptier than I could remember.
Of course, with a single person living here, things just bound to be forgotten. That includes the innocent objects.
Bored, I went to the bookshelf in the corner of the living room, and picked a book I decided to reread a few days ago.
I then noticed a strange brown spine piled with my old books. "What's this?" I asked myself.
When I ran my finger in the spine, it indicated a lot of dust. Curious as to why it was grouped together with the decent books, I pulled it out, and noticed that it was a photo album.
Dusting it a bit, I sat in the sofa before opening it.
As I saw the first pages, I didn't know if I would cry.
Such memories overflowing, the youthful basketball days, the moment when we decided to live together and when he suddenly…
Ah…I actually liked playing basketball with you…so can we…
What is it?
…LIVE TOGETHER IN COLLEGE?!
I don't mind.
Really?!
It's still early to tell those things though.
I need to know what college you're going. Then, I'll start studying real hard to pass the exam.
Are you on your right mind, Kagami-kun?
I am! So where?
T. University.
Shit! That's… a little impossible for me. But…damn it, I'll do my damnest best!
… I was actually just planning to go in J. University*.
Well, that's the plan. I heard they had tough basketball guys. But if we're going there, there's no point living together because it's just nearby.
Kagami-kun, why are you insistent on going on the same college and living with me?
…
Kagami-kun?
Is it bad?
No, I just want to know why.
I…it's a secret. Sorry, Kuroko.
"That time, he could have just honestly told me he liked me. Such an idiot." I told myself while weakly laughing at the picture of an embarrassed Taiga-kun that I took right after that conversation. He actually grabbed my phone to delete the photo, but I managed to save a back-up of the image and he wasn't aware of it.
You only have one bag? You're gonna stay here for quite a while, remember?
Well, I think almost all my things are already here since I hang out so much…
… Ah yeah. I've just cooked lunch. Want some?
I would never reject Kagami-kun's cooking. And please vanilla milkshake.
This is not a fucking restaurant! Hey where are you going?!
I need to my dose of vanilla milkshake. So I'm going to Maji Burger.
Geez, you and your milkshake. Sit there and wait. I'm gonna blend your shitty milkshake.
…
What are you grinning like an idiot?!
I think I never grinned in my whole life, Kagami-kun.
Shut up, I can see that you're laughing like some evil in your head.
Your imagination's way too exaggerated.
Whatever, let me cook.
That time, I secretly took a photo of Taiga-kun in an apron. Up until now, my taste buds were still calibrated such that only his dishes were the best for me. That's why I could not enjoy any food anymore. I'm already old, so it doesn't matter.
Yosha! The Lakers won!
Kagami-kun, I can see it quite well.
Shut up, I'm just too happy!
I know, but if you're sitting too close to me, while jumping up and down in the sofa, I'll go away.
Oh, sorry, I'm gonna stop… Hey, what the fuck are you doing?!
As you can see, I'm using your lap as my pillow, so that you would not be so jumpy.
Hey, don't just use other's body for your own selfishness!
It's hard.
…HUH!? NO, IM NOT FUCKING HARD! SHIT… I wanna die.
I mean the muscles in your lap is hard. It's not as soft as the pillow.
… Ahh, I thought I really got hard damn it.
Why will you get hard anyway?
…Are we really gonna talk about this?
Are you sexually frustrated because of me?
Hahh Kuroko just shut up.
That night, I could still vividly recall, that he actually got it up, and we had our first time. Our first sex and first confession. And I got to know that we actually had liked each other since the first year of high school.
Huuh why do I have to be in suit if I'm just applying in our coach's gym? It's hot.
Well, you know Aida-san. Even if she's the current manager of that gym, connections would not probably get you through. Hai, your tie's fixed.
Thanks! Ah, okay, so do I forget something else… I'm going, Tetsuya!
Good luck Taiga-kun.
I'll do my best!
This time, he let me have his picture in a black suit right after he came back, with a declaration that Aida-san would actually try hiring him since they're low on staff.
Right after Taiga-kun joined the gym staff, his popularity as a basketball player also flourished at the time. Aida-san decided to use this as an advertising material, and the Aida gym became popular.
Tetsuya… it hurts…
Shh… it's okay.
Shit…I…the doctor said…it's impossible to play basketball anymore…
…
Tetsuya, why are you the one crying?
…
It's not as if I'll be disabled. My knees will heal, but not strong enough to let me play.
…
And I can still work at the gym! You don't have to worry about providing for me!
It's not the problem here! I'm… I'm sympathizing with you!
Don't make me cry Tetsuya. I've cried enough yesterday. See, your clothes still soaked.
It's okay.
No, it's not when your embracing me like this. It's wet.
It's not my tears.
Ahh…do you know? Yesterday, that bastard Daiki came. I thought he's gonna just pay a visit, since we're teammates and all, then he just bragged about getting married.
With Momoi-san?
Who else, then?
Then, let's attend that, shall we? When is it?
I think he said next month.
In that page of the album, all were pictures of Taiga-kun being discharged from the hospital after being an in-patient for almost a month.
As I stared at the picture, we were both smiling, but he's expression looked more forced than mine.
Losing basketball, for him, was losing a chunk of his life after all.
He was not able to become cheerful for at least a year, and I decided to wait for him.
Then, I told him "Do you think it'll be a good idea to teach the kids basketball?" one day after my work in the daycare.
He agreed to my idea, and then I asked him to help me.
Slowly and surely, his smile started appearing once again.
It was not the same as before, because of the longing to be able to play in the court once again, but he's not as helpless as he used to be.
I'm home…shit, I'm sleepy as hell.
Taiga-kun, you reek of sake.
Well, Hyuuga-senpai asked me to join him for a drink. And I'm kinda stressed with this one client…
…
Hey, why're you suddenly kissing me?! Shit, now I'm fully awake.
Taiga-kun, we're not getting any younger. You should stop drinking.
I rarely drink!
Taiga-kun. I want you.
Yeah, yeah, let me take a… what?!
I want you, right now.
Hey, hey, why? Are you alright, Tetsuy—
That time, I just got upset to the fact that he did not try to tell me his problems and chose drinking with others. When I told him this after we did it, he just laughed at me and said he would do so in the future.
Hello? Kuroko? Shin-chan told me to call you…
Takao-san?
Kagami collapsed, and Shin-chan's currently taking care of him! We just want to let you know.
…What room…?
It's in...
Midorima-kun. Is Taiga-kun alright?
He's currently sleeping right now.
What might be the cause of this?
Well, he had a cardiac arrest.
… He…
It's a miracle he managed to get out alive, at his age of 45. I have some suspicions on his illness, but I'm still waiting for his tests results to diagnose him properly.
…Thank you, Midorima-kun.
It's my job as a doctor.
The album ended at the day before that, when we had a date in some restaurant I could not really recall.
Taiga-kun had some serious heart disease I could not recall as well.
All I could remember was that after he woke up at that time, he had some hard time breathing, and he had lost appetite.
He was very ill, and he rarely spoke then.
He would only tell me he's fine. But from time to time, he would cry, telling himself how he had become useless and a burden. I told him repeatedly that I didn't find it a trouble to take care of him, but he had lost so much confidence on himself.
It was then, on coincidence that I overheard Takao-kun (a nurse at that hospital) and Midorima-kun speaking on the hallway.
He has not much to live, that Kagami.
What? Is that true, Shin-chan?
It's not surprising. He should have had his check up before. He's a fool for thinking that his illness would not reach this stage.
He doesn't want to worry Kuroko, I guess.
He's got, maximum, a month.
Really?! Shit, that's…too short.
I'm more worried how Kuroko will cope up with this.
Ayyiie Shin-chan's worried!
I'm not. That's why ,Kazunari, if you're hiding some sickness from me like that fool Kagami, I'll never forgive you.
Hai hai Shin-chan. Nothing escapes your eyes, anyway.
After hearing that, I could not recall how I actually processed it in my mind. All I did was run to Taiga-kun's room, embraced him as tight as I could while he was so clueless about my behavior.
He was informed about his remaining life span a few days after that, and he also confessed to me.
We just…both cried at that time.
I took a month of leave from the daycare, and the manager approved of it because I had never been absent before.
I used this vacation to spend Taiga-kun's remaining time. Hard as it be, since you were actually watching your loved ones weaken day after day, I tried sounding cheerful so that he would also laugh.
We watched our high school games in the Winter cup, some comedy shows, play board games, but most of the time, he just wanted to be in the rooftop, especially in the afternoon.
Everyday, there was an irrational fear in me that by the time I wake up, Taiga-kun would have passed by, and I was not able to sleep well during those days.
I just watch him in his sleep. Most of the time, I soothed myself by petting his red hair.
As we spent time just laughing, with hidden fears in our mind, I actually forgot that his life was starting to decline.
There were a lot of times I just wanted to complain, to cry, and threaten any doctor to heal his disease and I would give them all I had saved up until now.
For some reason, Taiga was always aware of my expressions, and only told me, "It's alright."
I wished to tell him that nothing was right, that if he ever…no… my mind of that time were very clouded that I could not think straight. But I managed not to cry in front of him. Every night, in the private restroom, I shed my tears.
I never knew if he was aware, but at every morning, he would just stare at my eyes, as if he could now the meaning behind its redness.
This cycle continued on for days, and I also continued wishing, or praying, the time to slow.
As if that would be granted.
Tetsuya, rooftop?
Yes, let's go.
… It's windy today as well.
Yes, indeed.
Hey, Tetsuya?
What?
Were you happy? Being with me? Despite this?
…
Tetsuya?
I'm happy. Meeting you, and spending my life with you, I never regret any single thing about it.
Is that so? Then, I have nothing to regret as well.
Really? Somehow, we're becoming really melodramatic, don't you think, Taiga-kun?
Yeah. Really, we are.
Taiga-kun?
…
Taiga—
Sorry, Kuroko. He…
Hmm. Don't finish your sentence, Midorima-kun. I know, I know. You did your best. Thank you.
It's my job…as both doctor and your friend. Don't sweat it.
Yeah.
Kuroko. Don't think of weird things. Kagami will not like it.
Haha, don't worry Midorima-kun. I'm not planning to suicide of anything…But let me be alone…
Okay.
I think I still remembered I wrote a lengthy essay in my journal at that day.
But it was about Taiga-kun. Everything about him that I loved. Every single thing I could remember that we did together.
That his first impression to me was a rough guy, possibly a yankee or some yakuza.
Then, as days passed by, he was just a basketball idiot who could cook, and was apparently some rich kid.
He accepted my past, my weirdness, and everything about me.
He was just nice.
A kind person.
He's very very kind...
And my journal was just filled with droplets of my tears at that day.
Half of my one-month leave was spent being locked up in our house, just writing how I loved Taiga-kun.
Then, it was one day that I thought some burglar went inside our home.
Despite my weakened body, because I could not bring myself to rest or eat, I picked up the cutter in my bad.
I pushed the lever up, and I saw the sharp blades.
Whatever I was thinking at that time, I could not remember clearly. But I knew I was planning something Taiga-kun would never forgive me.
The burglar was forgotten, and I just pointed the sharp edge in my wrists, and I recalled my tears flowing while I muttered his name.
Suddenly I got blinded when the lights were turned on, and there were sorrowful faces in front of me.
"Kuroko! Stop it!" I could not remember who yelled, but I knew it was Midorima-kun who ran to me and slapped the cutter away from my hand.
I think I saw everything in red, like I was swallowed in a bottomless pit. As I saw the cutter slowly sliding away in the floor from me, I remembered the certain dizziness, as if everything was waving back and forth, and I forgot to breath. I knew I kept chanting "Taiga-kun, Taiga-kun", and there were voices in the background.
And then, I felt a huge impact in my cheeks.
Suddenly, my vision became a little bit clear. And then, there were several persons I thought I would never meet as a whole once again.
It was my friends – Kise-kun, Satsuki-san, Daiki-kun, Midorima-kun, Murasakibara-kun and Akashi-kun – who decided to show up and eat at my place.
I was actually grateful for that visit.
They managed to cheer me up a little bit, even just a little.
The next day, we visited his grave.
I just stayed all day in front of his tombstone, and told him how sweet my friends were.
That was how I slowly moved on from his death.
But that was also how I decided not to love anyone anymore.
And how I spent the next 15 years with being caretaker of children at the daycare. They somehow managed to fill up that chunk of my life that was previously occupied by Taiga-kun.
And I'm now here, just looking at the photos of the past.
Reminiscing on them wasn't so bad, but being reminded of the bitter experiences was something I could never get used to.
I still had moments when I would just daydream Taiga-kun beside me, talking to me, as if nothing had happened.
Are you done daydreaming then, Tetsuya?
I saw the high school Taiga-kun sitting beside me in the sofa.
Yes, I am.
I imagined myself also in my high school. When we're still blind about each other's feelings.
Did you know, Kagami-kun?
I love you.
And we just kissed. My high school counterpart and his.
That night, I just cried once again.
* I'm not really aware of universities in Tokyo, so that's just a fictional campus.