Lance never thought it would be him.

He saw it everywhere. People were depressed, suicidal, and hurting themselves. How the hell could anyone do that? Why would they feel like that? It just didn't make sense. Not to Lance. Of course, he never judged people based on these things. How could he? He knew it wasn't their fault. In fact, he was worried about them and would pray for them every night. God, he was glad he wasn't depressed.

But that was when he was 13.

When he turned 14, everything changed. It always popped up more and more. Daring him to think about it. Daring him to try it once. But that was ridiculous. No way. Not for him. There were people who loved Lance. He had a future and talents. He could always go to his friends if things started going south, and he knew that. They cared for him. So, when he got the thoughts, he just put his hands to his ears and shook his head until they were gone. Ignore them, and they'll go away, right?

Fat chance.

Just... once? Why... why not? It couldn't be... that bad... could it? Would anyone actually care if... he were gone? Do they... really care?

No! No, no, no, no. It's never just once. Never ever. People care! They do, really! And he can't leave... he has a future ahead. He's going to be something. He's... going to help people... Oh, who is he kidding? He's useless.

It was the same thing everyday. Wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, get home and think, and sleep. It was sad to Lance. No one seemed to notice his change in attitude. His mom didn't... at all. She always seemed more worried about his siblings. Fine by Lance. He gets it. No, really, he does. It's better if she doesn't waste time on his sorry ass anyways. His siblings definitely didn't notice. They were too busy tormenting each other and him. Lance guesses he can't blame them since he's at the Garrison now and only comes home during breaks. Even his friends didn't notice, though... maybe they just didn't care.

One winter break, Lance came home to his family. God, he was so excited to see them. He walked in the door with a genuine smile on his face and greeted everyone happily. His mom hugged him and welcomed him home with tears in her eyes, but surely she wasn't really happy to see him. Lance's siblings practically tackled him to the ground and spoke all at once about their lives. Luis had been accepted into college, a first for his family, and was completely overjoyed. Rosita had joined the army and gets to help people nearly everyday. Veronica probably had the biggest news of all: she was pregnant, and it was a boy. All of his siblings had done so much, but where did that leave Lance.

"Wow, you guys have done so much while I was away!" Lance said with the biggest smile he could manage. He hoped it looked genuine despite the growing pain in his chest.

"Hell, yeah, we have!" Luis laughed and threw his arm around Lance's neck. "And I see you're still a disappointment."

Lance's smile dropped for just a moment before returning once again with a laugh.

"Luis! That's terrible!" Veronica shouted back at him, but she was struggling to hold back a laugh, her hands over her mouth.

"It's true, though," Rosita said casually and winked. Lance's smile surely looked strained now as his siblings' facial expressions changed from happy to concerned, slowly. "Are you okay?"

Lance tried to laugh, but it sounded forced, and he couldn't move quick enough to wipe the tear from his cheek before his mom noticed. She had been watching and chuckling along with her children until she saw how affected Lance really was. She swept him off into the kitchen and sat him down at the table, concern on her face.

"Lance, mijo," his mom said, "they said some mean things to you, but you know they're joking, right?" She placed a kiss upon his forehead and looked deep into his eyes. It was odd... she'd never seen Lance look so... "Mijo? Are you alright? You look- Luis! Put that down! Don't you give me that look! ¡Ven aquí, ahorra!" And then she left, the conversation forgotten, and Lance forgotten along with it.

It really was okay. What did it matter anyways?

Just once. Just once. It would be fine. Just once, but oh, God, it felt so good to know that he was finally getting what he deserved. It didn't last. He didn't try hard enough, did he? He really was useless and pathetic. And no one even cared that he was wearing long sleeves even though it was going into summer. Did they even notice? But... it wasn't that bad, was it? The scratches barely lasted a day, and there was no blood. But it wasn't enough. Not enough to make up for his existence. Sure, it was summer. Sure, he'd be wearing short sleeves and going swimming, but he'd be careful. Very careful. If he was caught, then a simple lie (something he'd have to make up for later) would make them forget very quickly. Just a little worse. Just enough to last him a few weeks. But...

Then summer ends, and he goes back to the Garrison. This year is even harder than last year, and the stress is getting to him. He thought 14 was bad, well, shit, 15 is literal hell. He's had an epiphany. No one ever really cared about him. It was always just pity because he's pathetic, and useless, and worthless, and weak, and stupid, and annoying, and so self-centered. God, why is he so sad? He has no right to be. He has no reason. None at all. So, he must be incredibly selfish and ungrateful, and, because of this, he refuses to cry over himself.

It's getting colder again, so long sleeves are justified now. He gets to do it again. And again. And again. And, God, he was right, it definitely didn't stop at just once, but its okay, he knows he deserves it. But soon he realizes that he needs to go further. This isn't enough anymore. It has to be worse. It has to.

And it is. It is so much worse, but Lance loves it. He loves it so much. No, he won't stop, he won't ever stop. Not ever. It hurts and there's blood, but he sure as hell doesn't care. Honestly, he should take it a step further... why not rid everyone of himself permanently? All he is, is a burden anyways. Everyone hates him, and he hates himself too. He wishes he could do it, but he's selfish and weak. Maybe he'll get shot, or run over by a bus, or some other lucky, misfortunate event will occur.

The thoughts spiral and get worse, and worse, and worse, and what is he supposed to do? Why did he have to be born? Why? Him, the fuck up. Him, the mistake. Why? Why him?

It's winter break again, and, despite the chill, his family decides to go swimming. Lance, of course, refuses. They won't find out. Not like this.

"Come on, Lance!" Luis calls from the water. He starts to wave him over but stops when Rosita splashes him straight in the face with the salty water. "You little- oh, you are definitely going to get it now!" He turns and tackles her into the water, and Rosita squeals and continues to splash. Lance is once again forgotten, but it's still okay. They're happier without him anyways.

On Christmas Eve, they go and visit Dad's grave. It's a tradition they've kept for years, but it's different now that Lance can only think of how much he would like to be in a grave. Veronica gently places a bouquet of Dad's favorite flowers in front of the headstone, a tear sliding down her cheek. They all miss him. He really was the greatest dad in the universe. He always encouraged his kids to be brave and strong, no matter what. Which was just another way that Lance disappointed him.

Next to them, a young couple was sitting next to a grave. One of the women was sniffing, letting tears fall down her face, and the other had a face like stone and simply sat, rubbing her hand up and down her partner's back.

"I- I still can't believe she did it. Why? Why would she do it?" The crying woman sobbed. Her face was in her hands, and she was continuously wiping her nose on her sleeve.

The stoney faced woman simply deadpanned: "I don't know why she killed herself. I really don't." She kept staring straight ahead into space like maybe if she didn't see it, it wasn't really there. The two sat for a while before she dragged her sobbing partner away from the small grave.

The two women were loud enough so that all of Lance's family could hear them. All of them had paled at least one shade, and their mom was trembling. It's always sad to hear about these things. And, for Lance, it was extremely awkward.

Their mom looked at each of her children caringly, as if memorizing their features, before speaking. "Promise me you'll never do that to me. Promise me you'll never hurt yourself in any way."

"Of course not, mama!" Veronica said quietly. She was resting a hand gingerly on her swollen stomach. "I couldn't."

"Never." Rosita's voice cracked, and a tear slipped down her cheek. She shook her head and wiped her nose on her sleeve.

"Absolutely not," Luis said with an uncharacteristically large amount of seriousness.

Lance, however, remained quiet... and stared at the ground...

Fuck.