You know. They say all teenage crushes are just a fad. A fad, inspired by the media. Everyone dreams of marrying their highschool sweetheart. I guess it's true. Crushes are stupid. Like cliches. They go even easier then they come.

But what you don't understand is that this was more then a crush. I think I loved you. No. Not puppy love. The real deal. The kind of real dead, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, love.

Of course, you don't know what I'm talking about. No one around me knows. I don't want to sound like some mellow dramatic soap opera kind of girl, but this is how I feel.

Girl. I don't want to call myself a girl anymore. I don't think any girl has gone through what I am right now.

I remember, before then, they all said I was a bitch, a whore, everyone around me..us. I was just the slut who was going out with you, Squall. The slut that nearly cost you your life.

But you told me not to care what other people thought, that all that mattered was us. Nothing was gonna change that, you said.

I believed you, they didn't matter.

I guess you were just lying though.

So now I'm the slut who Squall dumped.

I guess it's true. No one would even know me if you hadn't been there.

So, yea, I'm just a slut, whore, or bitch, whatever you wanna call me.

Obviously you thought so, Squall, if I was so easy to dump, to just throw away.

You didn't even try to hide it. Didn't bother. Didn't care what I would think.

So, I'm sitting here by my door, my locked door, hugging my knees and looking at my bed.

I don't think I can ever sleep in it. It makes me want to throw up when I look at it.

I just went to get lunch..and when I returned, there you were, making out on my bed, with him.

I dropped the tray, you know. The milk stain won't go away.

I tried to scrub it away. Believe me, I tried.

When you finally saw me, petrified in the door way, you just waved me away and pulled away long from him to say, "Go away, slut."

So I did.

I left you alone in my dorm and stood in the hallway, crying.

No one asked me what as wrong, it didn't matter.

I'm The Slut, after all.

When you finally left, you walked out, with your arm around his waist, not bothering to look at me.

And you shouldn't. Why waste your time on The Slut?

I sat then, on the floor, exactly the same place I am now.

I know I should get up.

That it's not healthy to be like this, that my body needed food and water.

I didn't eat this morning to save my appetite for our lunch.

I was so worried that I might be too full to eat anything!

That's really funny now, isn't it?

Yet, it's like I can't move. I don't want to move.

This place is safe. No one will ever bother me here.

Or mutter under their breath that I'm a slut.

Even if it is true.

Don't get me wrong though. I'm not suicidal. I'm not a cutter.

I'm not going to kill myself. I can't do that.

I'm not brave enough.

Not.... that I would anyway.

I guess I could leave.

But..I don't want to do that.

I like this place. And I can't really go anywhere else.

Not really.

But I don't want to go on living like I am. Going to classes and everything, seeing you with him, seeing you kiss him, and hold him, and hug him, like we were nothing. Even if we were, and I just didn't know it.

You know what though? I think I know how you can live through a little of my pain. Just a little.

It won't compare to mine at all, you know, but atleast I won't have to be disgusted whenever I see you two.

I stood up, kind of shakily, I hadn't been up for a few hours. I think.

My pinwheel couldn't do the job. No.

So I grabbed the knife that had fallen from the tray, it was still laying there from this afternoon.

I knew where his dorm was. We had been friends back then.

I opened the door and stepped inside.

I guess it was later then I thought because he was sleeping. Sleeping with you, Squall.

Of course.

So without any regrets I held the knife high above his neck and brought it down.

His eyes flashed opened..and he struggled to say something.or scream..I couldn't tell..but he couldn't..and then his eyes rolled back into his head.

Then that was it, I ran out the door, and back to my dorm.

So, I had murdered Zell Dincht.

Of course, in the morning, Garden Enforcers came and grabbed me.

I was given life in prison.

When Squall testified against me, they didn't even care to give me a trial. I guess saving the world gives you some benefits. I guess it also doesn't help that I'm The Slut.

So, here I am, wondering who your new play thing is.

I guess what really bothers me is that you don't care.

I saw you, at his funeral this morning out my window, before they came, pretending to cry.

But I know you, Squall. I can tell it was all an act.

You don't care about me, or Zell, or anyone.

I still hurt as much as ever.

I'm sitting here for nothing.




















Yai Tin Sum Sai Goh