I'm a sucker for texting fics. I really like stories about Bucky regaining his memories and returning to Steve. This fic was inevitable, really. Not quite Steve/Bucky, but you can definitely read it as such if you wish.
This should be obvious in the writing, but in case it's not, but Steve's texts are in italics and Bucky's are bolded.
Title comes from this quote from Anita Krizzan: "I believe that all of our lives we're looking for home and if we're really lucky, we find it in someone's loving arms. I think that's what life is - coming home."
Disclaimer: I don't own Captain America.
"Are you sure we should be actively seeking this guy out?" Sam asks. Steve ignores him; Sam says things like this every other day or so. All he needs to do is get it out of his system, then he'll go back to helping Steve look for Bucky. "I mean, I hate to break it to you, but he literally almost killed you the last time you went up against him."
"And then he saved me from drowning in the river," Steve counters, as he always does. "There's still some of Bucky in him. I'm sure there is. We can find him and get him back."
"I'm just saying," Sam replies defensively, putting his hands up in surrender. "Anyway, we don't even have any leads. How are we supposed to find him?"
"We've got a list of a few different HYDRA facilities where he was held," Steve replies, as if Sam doesn't know that. "We still have some more to check out."
"And what if we don't find anything?" Sam asks. "Look, Steve, I get that this matters to you, but how long are we going to keep chasing a ghost?"
"As long as it takes," Steve replies. Sam sighs.
"Okay. You know I'm with you, even if we're going nowhere." Steve rolls his eyes at the passive-aggressive comment, but doesn't otherwise reply. Instead, he pulls out a map and, for the thousandth time, starts studying it.
He and Sam are in a motel in Canada, in a town that has just enough people to keep from being classified as the middle of no where. That's probably part of the reason why there was a HYDRA base built there. It once held Bucky - the cryo chamber is still there - but the place has been abandoned for at least a few years, from the look of it. Steve's planning on calling Natasha about it after he and Sam have moved on. He had an urge to destroy the entire thing while they were there, but he held himself back; Natasha can probably talk to someone and get it investigated so they can make sure HYDRA's totally defeated, and Steve's sure they'll be able to find more if the base is intact.
There are still six more facilities to check, but Steve isn't sure they'll find Bucky at any of them. It seemed like a good idea originally - Bucky would probably be with HYDRA, whether by choice or because he was forced - but Steve's starting to wonder about it now. HYDRA's been discovered. The lists of their bases aren't exactly secret anymore. The chances that they would go back to one probably aren't that high. But, considering they don't have any other leads, Steve's going to stick to this and hope for the best.
Steve's phone buzzes in his pocket to alert him to a new text message. He blinks in surprise, pulling it out. Not many people have his number, and most of them prefer calling to texts. Sam looks over as Steve checks the text, frowning as he goes stiff. "Something wrong?" Sam asks.
The text is a picture of a building, one Steve knows intimately, even though he hasn't spent much time there in years. It's the apartment building where he once lived with Bucky.
who are you? Steve texts, growing angry. how do you have this number?
we lived here together, comes the reply, and Steve's heart just about stops. it wasn't really big enough for two, but we couldn't afford anything more. and you could see the sunrise through the big window in the mornings. you got up to see it sometimes.
Steve ignores all the logical questions, like how Bucky got a phone or how he knows how to use it or how he remembers this apartment so clearly. yeah, bucky, he types instead. i remember waking you up for the sunrise once, but you fell asleep on my shoulder before it even started. It's one of Steve's fondest memories. Bucky often worked late, or at least stayed out late, so he wasn't one to revel in the beauty of the early sunrise. Steve loved it.
i don't remember that, Bucky texts back. Steve figures it was a long shot anyway.
"Who is it?" Sam asks. Steve looks up.
"It's Bucky," he replies. "He's... He's at our old apartment. From before the war. He remembers it."
"Are you sure it's him?" Sam asks. Steve nods distractedly.
what are you doing in brooklyn? he types. Bucky takes a while to respond. The little typing icon pops up and disappears multiple times before the text finally comes through.
i want to remember more, Bucky finally replies. i want to know who i was back then.
is it helping? Steve asks.
yes, Bucky replies, and that's it. Steve texts him three times, asking what he remembers, where he is now, and where he's going next, but gets no response.
"Are you sure it was Bucky? What did he say?" Sam asks. Steve tosses him his phone.
"It's definitely Bucky," Steve replies, unable to stop the wide smile that's spreading across his face. "And we're looking for him in the wrong place."
Getting back to New York takes two days. Bucky doesn't text. Steve isn't worried at all, thank you very much. (Shut up, Sam.) Concerned, perhaps, and curious as to why he hasn't received any more messages, but not worried. He knows Bucky can take care of himself. He knows that intimately.
But he is concerned that this lack of texts means that Bucky has changed his mind on the whole remembering thing. Doesn't it make sense for him to text Steve again when he gets to his next location? It's Brooklyn; how long can it take him?
"Are you sure he's still here?" Sam asks. Steve nods, faking confidence.
"He wanted to remember his past. We spent our whole lives in Brooklyn until the war. Unless he wants to go over to Europe, he'll stay in Brooklyn."
"And if he did decide to go to Europe?" Sam asks. Steve shrugs.
"We'll find out when he texts me again." Sam sighs.
"I'm gonna go get us something for dinner," he says, leaving their motel. The second the door clicks behind him, as if on cue, Steve's phone buzzes. He pulls it out quickly, hoping it's Bucky. He's gotten a few texts from other people, but he hopes this is different.
It is. The text is a picture of a building, another one Steve remembers. this was our school, Bucky texts. we met here.
yeah, we did, Steve replies, unable to keep himself from grinning. you stood up for me when i was getting picked on at lunch.
it was johnny calow, Bucky texts back, which is more than Steve expected him to remember. he was making fun of you for being short.
you told him to pick on someone his own size, Steve reminisces fondly. then you punched him in the face.
i was protective of you, Bucky texts. Steve wonders about the past tense.
yeah, you were, he texts back. and i helped you with your homework in return.
i wasn't very good at english, Bucky texts. Steve grins, wondering if Bucky means to rekindle the familiar argument.
no, you would have been fine with english if you ever did the reading, he counters. which i think you did once in the entire time we were in school. once i summarized the reading, you could answer the questions just fine.
i worked nights, Bucky replies. Steve frowns; he didn't think Bucky started working until they were older. there was a grocer who didn't care how old i was and let me help carry crates into the store. he let me take home some food to my ma and my sisters. Bucky was the oldest of four, Steve remembers, although his sisters were all a lot younger than he. When Steve and Bucky met in second grade - Steve was seven and Bucky, who'd started later, was eight - his mother had been pregnant with his youngest two sisters, Caitlyn and Anna, and his other sister, Rebecca, had been three. what happened to my sisters?
Steve assumes this is a good sign. becca got married and had two kids. one lives in california and the other lives in england. she died four years ago. caty didn't marry. she died seventeen years ago. and annie got married and had one kid, who lives in florida. she's still alive. Steve hasn't gone to visit Anna, although he's thought about it; he's not sure if she'd recognize him, not after all this time. If Bucky wants to visit, maybe they can go together.
i don't remember them, Bucky texts back. Steve's heart sinks. i remember i had sisters, but i don't remember what they were like.
they were great kids, Steve texts back, remembering the girls fondly. you were proud of them.
what happened to my pa? Bucky asks. i don't remember him.
he died when you were nine, right after the twins were born, Steve texts back. He remembers the day clearly; Bucky hadn't gone to school, so Steve had begged his mother to let him go over to Bucky's house to see if anything was wrong. He and his mother had ended up staying until nightfall, helping Bucky's mother and watching the girls.
and my ma? Bucky asks. what happened to her?
she died in 1942, when we were fighting in europe, Steve texts back, wishing Bucky remembered these things himself. your aunt laura took in caty and annie. Rebecca had been twenty and newly married when Bucky's mother died, but Caitlyn and Anna were barely seventeen. They'd stayed with Bucky's aunt until they went off to college.
what are you going to do now, buck? Steve asks when Bucky doesn't respond.
i don't know, Bucky replies. This time, Steve can tell the conversation's finished. He gets the feeling Bucky isn't quite ready to be found.
But Steve is more than ready to find Bucky, and he's definitely not going to stop now that he's so close.
"Bucky's still in Brooklyn," he tells Sam, showing him the picture. "And he remembers more. We were talking about his family."
"Did he say where he is?" Sam asks. Steve shakes his head.
"I asked him what he's doing next and he didn't tell me," he replies.
Sam gets people, he understands them, so it's not altogether surprising that he makes the same connection Steve did. "You sure he wants to be found?" he asks.
"You suggesting we give up?" Steve retorts. Sam sighs.
"I'm staying with you, but if the guy wants space, give it to him."
"I thought he was dead, Sam," Steve retorts. "Now he's not, and I'm not just going to leave when we're so close to finding him."
"Okay," Sam says, nodding and accepting it. At Steve's surprised expression, he adds, "Hey, if it were Riley who came back from the dead, I'd want to find him too, no matter what. I get it."
"Thanks, Sam," Steve says. He means it. Sam just grins.
"Hey, I'm not about to miss an opportunity to help Captain America, am I?" Steve rolled his eyes. Sam clapped him on the shoulder. "And I'm not going to miss an opportunity to help a friend either," he added. Steve chuckled.
"Sap," he accused. Sam shrugged.
"As if you aren't, with those texts you and Bucky have been sending," he retorted. Steve shrugged.
"Guilty as charged."
stark's expo was here, Bucky texts, with a picture of an empty lot. we went to it before i went to fight in europe.
"Bucky?" Sam asks. Steve nods.
we went on a double date, but both of the girls liked you better, he texts back to Bucky.
stark was part of the project to make you into captain america, Bucky texts. i think i killed him.
it wasn't your fault, Steve replies immediately. That Howard Stark's death wasn't an accident isn't news to him; Zola said as much when he and Natasha found him in that bunker. it was hydra. you had no choice.
he was your friend, Bucky texts. Steve wishes they were having this conversation face-to-face; texts can't get emotions across, and reading Bucky is harder than it was before. you should be angry.
i'm angry at hydra, not you, Steve replies. it wasn't your fault.
when i did it, i didn't think of it as wrong, Bucky texts. Steve's stomach twists. He doesn't want to have this conversation over text. i didn't think about it at all. i just did it.
they brainwashed you, Steve replies firmly. you couldn't have done anything else. it wasn't your fault.
i pulled the trigger, Bucky replies, and Steve can get nothing more out of him, no matter how often he texts.
"Something wrong?" Sam asks. Steve sighs, putting his phone aside.
"I want to talk to Bucky, not just text him," he replies. "I only know what he's saying, not how he's saying it. I hate texting."
"Would he have said any of this to you at all if not for texting?" Sam counters. Steve hates his logic. "Where was he this time?"
"The lot where the Stark Expo was held," Steve replies, showing Sam the picture. "We went there before he was shipped out. That was the night I met Erskine and got selected as a candidate for the super-soldier program."
"Stark Expo?" Sam asks. "Like, Howard Stark? What was there?"
"There was a flying car," Steve remembers, grinning slightly. "Except it didn't really fly so much as float, and it didn't get very high. But he said he'd get it all figured out before too long."
"Sucks that he never did," Sam mutters. Steve shrugs.
"I think some of the cars at S.H.I.E.L.D. had that tech, actually." Sam's eyebrows shoot up.
"And we don't have one why?" he retorts. "Dude, your motorcycle is cool, but a flying car would be a lot cooler."
"You have mechanical wings," Steve counters. "If you want to fly, do it yourself."
Sam shakes his head sadly. "You just don't get it," he sighs. "Come on, are you telling me that, if you were offered a flying car right now, you'd refuse?"
"A car would be nice," Steve replies, grinning at the expression on Sam's face. "It'd fit more people than my motorcycle."
"Dude!" Sam cries, looking horrified. "The point is not the amount of people who'd fit, the point is that the car flies!"
"But more space would be nice," Steve counters. Sam throws his hands up in the air.
"You're hopeless," he declares. Steve grins. He barely even notices that Sam is unabashedly trying to distract him from his conversation with Bucky.
But Bucky still isn't texting, and Steve wishes he would. He's just gotten Bucky back, and there's no way in hell he's losing him again so quickly.
this is my ma's grave, Bucky texts four days later, with a picture of a headstone. i've never seen it before, have i?
no, Steve replies. Sam is out getting food; Steve's a bit pleased that he's gone, as he's sure this conversation is going to get emotional. she died when we were in europe.
my pa is buried next to her, Bucky adds, a new picture attached. and becky and caty.
your ma wanted the family to be together, Steve replies.
i'm buried here too, Bucky adds, showing a tombstone with his name on it. how can i be buried here?
after you fell from the train, we all thought you were dead, Steve texts, hoping this won't set Bucky off again and make him stop texting. there wasn't a body, so your sisters put some of your things in a box and buried it. they wanted something there, with your ma and pa.
i shouldn't be buried here, Bucky texts after a long pause. i'm not dead.
no, you're not, Steve replies cautiously. thank god for that.
my family shouldn't have me next to them, Bucky adds. they were good.
you're a good person too, buck, Steve replies. you're my best friend.
maybe bucky barnes is dead, Bucky texts. i barely remember what it means to be him. maybe i'm just the winter soldier.
you're still bucky barnes, Steve types firmly. you'll always be bucky barnes, no matter what.
am i? Bucky counters. i went to the exhibit. i don't remember the man i was.
i do, Steve replies. and if you really didn't remember, you wouldn't be texting me.
i remember bits and flashes, Bucky texts. This is more emotional than he's ever gotten in texts before; Steve hopes it's a good sign. i don't remember everything. i can't remember my mother's face.
buck, i'm here in brooklyn, Steve texts after a short pause to consider how good an idea this is. i can do whatever you need me to do to help you remember. tell me where you are and i'll find you.
There's a long pause, and for a moment Steve wonders if he went too far and if Bucky won't respond. Then the little typing icon appears, disappears, appears again, and a text comes through.
not yet.
Steve stares at the text. It's not perfect, but it's better than he'd been expecting. After all, it implies that Bucky will, at some point, be ready to be found. whenever you're ready, i'll be here, Steve texts. Bucky doesn't reply, not that Steve thought he would.
"Texts from Bucky?" Sam asks as he shoulders his way into the room, his arms full of Chinese takeout. Steve nods.
"He went to his family's plot in the graveyard. And I asked him if he was ready to be found and he said 'not yet.'"
"Sorry, man," Sam replies, passing Steve a takeout container and grabbing a Coke out of the fridge. Steve can't help but grin.
"He said 'not yet.' He'll be ready at some point."
"How long do you think that'll take?" Sam asks. Steve shrugs.
"I'll stay as long as it takes. If you want to do something else, you're free to go."
"I'm sticking with you," Sam replies, shaking his head. "Although, if you could introduce me to some of your cool superhero friends in return, I wouldn't exactly complain."
"Stark Tower isn't that far away," Steve tells him, shrugging with a grin. Sam nods.
"Hell yeah. When can I meet Tony Stark?"
Steve pulls out his phone. "I'll call him right now," he replies. Sam grins widely.
"Best friend ever."
"Anything from Bucky?" Sam asks. Steve shakes his head.
"No. I'm sure he'll text me soon." It's been nearly a week since Bucky last texted, and even all of the time they've been spending with Tony and Bruce - who's moved into Stark Tower - hasn't been enough of a distraction for Steve.
"He might be going somewhere else," Sam suggests tentatively. "You fought together in Europe, right?"
"How would he get there?" Steve counters. "He can't exactly just hop on an airplane, can he?"
"What else is there for him to see in Brooklyn?" Sam counters. Steve bites his lip.
"Considering Bucky's sent me a couple of pictures of alleyways where I was beat up, there's a lot," he replies. "We could go look around for him."
"Do you think he wants us to find him?" Sam counters. Steve clenches his fists in annoyance.
"What else can I do?" he retorts. "It's been a week since he last texted me. I can't just sit here waiting any longer."
"I'm not going to stop you," Sam replies, stepping away from the door. Steve grabs the keys to his motorcycle and leaves.
The motel room they're staying in is too small. Tony offered them rooms at the Tower, but Steve wants to stay in Brooklyn. He'll get texts from Bucky no matter where he is, but there's something about being in Brooklyn, there they grew up together, that makes Steve feel closer to Bucky than he does anywhere else.
where are you, bucky? Steve texts when he gets off his motorcycle, looking at the apartment building where Bucky once lived. He snaps a picture to send to him, but Bucky doesn't respond. this was your apartment, Steve adds, wondering if Bucky remembers. you lived here with your ma and sisters, and your pa, before he died. I used to come over all the time. Still, there's no response. Steve hops on his motorcycle, knowing where to go next.
this was my old apartment, he texts Bucky a few minutes later, a picture of the apartment building attached. you came over sometimes. it was just me and my ma. she wasn't home a lot, so i normally went to your house. Bucky still doesn't reply. Steve stares up at the window where his apartment once was. There's a light on in the room. Steve wonders who lives there now, if they know that Captain America once lived where they live now.
Steve continues driving around Brooklyn, sending Bucky his own pictures this time. If something is wrong, if Bucky's losing himself, Steve can only hope the pictures help.
It's late when Steve finally gets back to the motel. Sam looks up from the bed when he enters. "You okay?" he asks, setting aside the book he was reading.
"Yeah, I think so," Steve replies, taking off his jacket and slumping into one of the chairs. Sam frowns, getting up to join him at the table.
"You don't look okay," he replies, sounding cautious. "Wanna talk?"
"If something's wrong, there's nothing I can do," Steve finally admits, bracing his head with his arms. "I've tried texting Bucky, but he hasn't replied. The only contact we have is when he texts me. I don't... If something happened to him, I wouldn't know."
"Do you think something's wrong?" Sam asks. Steve sighs.
"I don't know," he replies, not looking at Sam. "I mean, Bucky can take care of himself. We saw that. But that doesn't mean nothing can happen to him."
"I think you just need to wait for him to come to you," Sam replies, shrugging. "I know it's not what you want to hear, but there's not really another option."
"I know there isn't," Steve replies. His fingers wrap around his phone in his pocket. Please text, Bucky. "I just wish there were."
The next day, Steve gets a text from Bucky. It's a picture of the banks of the Potomac River, right where he pulled Steve out of the waves. The text is short.
i'm ready to come home.