He finds her at the top of the tower, in front of the bell. She sits at the edge, her legs dangling toward the impossible drop below. Her hair shines in the dying light of the setting sun – it's smooth, and lustrous – a lake of liquid gold. Her face has a faraway look, her forehead slightly creased, a soft frown upon her perfect features. She's beautiful, he thinks. More beautiful than anything he's ever seen. More beautiful than life itself.
He sits down beside her, the height making his heart soar. She doesn't say anything – doesn't look up, but continues to stare ahead. She knows what he's here for – she's been expecting him, waiting for him.
His heart feels heavy in his chest. It's strange, he muses, that he still feels it beat. He was so sure he'd given it to her – what is it doing with him now? It isn't broken. No, it aches, but it isn't broken. He doesn't say anything. The silence between them is like a thread they're dangling on – the slightest touch will upset the balance – but that's fine, he thinks. They'll never be again.
"Who else knows?" she asks, her voice feeling unusually heavy. She tells herself it's from the lack of use.
"No one yet," he says.
She looks away towards the sunset, the agony in the air palpable.
"I should be cursing myself," he says after a while, "that I never saw. That all this time, I never noticed."
She doesn't say anything. He continues.
"But that wouldn't be right. I guess I always knew – deep down, always had a hunch. You used to be so bored during training, as if nothing was worth your time. Still you could fight better than all of us, save perhaps Mikasa. Of course you had a greater motive. The others just didn't see. I did, though, but I turned a blind eye. Maybe I just didn't want to believe it. Maybe what we had felt so fragile, I couldn't risk breaking it. It was precious though, and it was beautiful. But I think I always knew, that it was also temporary. Like everything else that's beautiful in this world, it wasn't there to last."
She doesn't speak, but he sees her gaze fall the slightest bit, and something flashes on her face – regret, perhaps – he cannot tell, but he feels it mirrors his own expression.
She thinks back to their training: the secret glances shared between them – the subtle brushes against each other that only they noticed – their days spent together, poring over his books about the outside world – their shared dreams – their nighttime trysts – the love they once shared. She doesn't speak, but he knows what she's thinking – it torments him too.
"There's one thing I want to know, though," he says.
She is silent.
"Everything we shared – all that time we spent together – was that also a lie?"
Here's my heart, he says. Break it completely, once and for all. Kill it. A swift death should at least be better than this madness.
She closes her eyes for a moment, and for a second she appears troubled – for a second the state of her heart shines through. She takes a subconscious breath, as if in preparation, or to steady herself. Then she shakes her head.
"No," she whispers, opening her eyes, and he wonders if she knows she said it out loud.
Of course. Her love isn't false. It's the truest thing he's ever known. It doesn't fit with them – doesn't fit with their life of lies and deception, of trust bathed in mistrust in each other. It's like a moment out of a normal person's life, a person who isn't in love with their enemy. Their love wasn't false – it was merely a victim of circumstances. And like all victims of these accursed circumstances, it was never meant to last – like the joy – like the promises – like the hopes – like the dreams…
Like him and her.
"When did you – "
"Marco's gear," he says. "He and I used to do maintenance together."
Suppressing an unexpected sigh stemming from the ache in her dead heart, she looks to the other side.
"I thought you said love was something worth fighting for," she says softly.
"I can't choose my love over the fate of humanity." Of course he can't. He's a hero. Like Eren, like Mikasa, like Jean, like even Connie and Sasha – but not like her.
Her gaze falls to her lap, resignation in her beautiful eyes. Neither of them knows how, or when, but he's holding her smaller hand in his. The warmth from his hand fills her, and for a moment her heart feels a breath of hope again.
"I wish this moment would last forever," she whispers.
He does too, but it's over. It's dead. Like them – like him – like her.
"What are we going to do, Armin?" She lets a hint of the turmoil in her heart shine through. She's a weak and frail girl – her heart cries out for his arms around her, because she knows that in his arms she wouldn't have to deal with the world. Because she knows with his arms around her, and her head resting against the sound of his beating heart she'd be safe. Because as long as his arms are around her, everything will we okay.
He looks at her, and he feels his heart wrench. She appears so vulnerable in the sun's dying light, so weak, that he just wants to sweep her into his arms, to hold her tight against his heart, and never let go. The uncertainty, the pain on her face makes him want to kiss her, to stroke her hair, to whisper in her ear that it's going to be okay. He wants to protect her from anything that might seek to hurt her... But he always thought their time together felt like a dream – and dreams don't last.
"To surpass monsters, we must be willing to abandon our humanity," he says, and each word is like a blow to his dying heart. His vision grows blurred, and his throat aches. "Sometimes, you have to make a sacrifice. The only thing – " He feels tears in his eyes, but he clenches his jaw. He must be firm now, and strong. She's made her decision, and so has he. In fact, it's all been decided since before they even met. Their few years together were cheating fate – but you don't cheat fate. You can try, but it'll catch up with you eventually. The time they shared had been good – and no good deed ever goes unpunished. "The only thing we're allowed to believe is that we won't regret the choices we made."
She shuts her eyes, and two tears leak out of the corners. Her heart is already dead, so why does it hurt so much? She doesn't know what she expects – a final embrace? – a last song for two star-crossed lovers like from one of his tales of the outside world? – a farewell kiss? Suddenly, she gasps, feeling something that had been holding her steady give way, and she hugs herself, trembling, her breath short and raspy.
When she looks up again, he isn't there, and the warmth of his hand is gone.
just something i wrote because i can't sleep right now. there might be typos.
review please?