Lessons in First Contact
Summary: Tag to Bad Guys (season 10). After one of the worst first contacts in SG-1 history, the team sits down to a briefing and they ponder the lessons they've learned. Pointless banter ensues.
Author's Note: For the record, I loved "Bad Guys." The first time I watched it, I literally laughed the whole way through. In that spirit, I intended this to be a completely silly little scene, but it ended up as something slightly different. I blame Daniel for that, by the way.
General Landry sat at the head of the briefing room table, gazing at the four people sitting before him, all with various degrees of embarrassment written on their faces. On one side, Doctor Daniel Jackson was staring deliberately at the table, gripping his coffee mug, while Teal'c sat next to him with his usual unreadable expression. Across from them sat Colonel Mitchell and Vala Mal Doran, who each wore somewhat sheepish expressions of their own.
The team had just finished their report on this latest mission of mayhem and sat awaiting his reaction. For a few moments, Landry allowed his flagship team to sit in suspense, stewing over their own mistakes and the lecture that was sure to come.
Eventually, Landry leaned forward, breaking the silence. "Four hours," he said calmly. "You were gone for four hours. I am quite convinced that no other team could manage to get into so much trouble in only four hours."
The team looked subdued.
"At least we managed to get out of there without hurting anyone?" Vala suggested, added a grin that disappeared at Landry's stony glare.
"Well, actually, there was that one guy I shot," Mitchell said, with some reluctance.
"You acted only in defense of your team, Colonel Mitchell," Teal'c said.
"And that guy was fine when we left," Daniel added with false levity.
Landry leaned back in his chair and surveyed the team before him. He knew that this mission wasn't their fault exactly, but it had still come dangerously close to disaster.
"So," he said, clearing his throat. "Would you care to tell me what you all have learned from this little outing of yours?"
For a moment, no one said anything, each of the four team members exchanging meaningful glances, as if trying to decide amongst themselves what would be the correct answer to such a question.
Characteristically, it was Daniel who chose to break the silence, seeming to speak on behalf of the entire team.
"Well, I think it's clear that even though SG-1 is technically a first contact team, we really need to brush up on First Contact 101."
"And we learned that activating a Goa'uld bomb is not a good idea," Mitchell glared at Vala who barely resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him.
"I believe we have also learned that Daniel Jackson is far from intimidating in a hostage situation," Teal'c said.
Daniel turned to his Jaffa friend, raising both eyebrows in surprise.
"Yeah, hostage-taking-rebel is definitely not a valid career choice for you, Jackson."
Daniel's head whipped around to glare across the table at Mitchell. "Oh yes, so sorry if I'm not all that good at threatening to kill people," he spat the last two words, dripping with sarcasm. "Next time I'm looking for a change of career, I'll just remember to scratch murderous rebel terrorist off my list of possibilities."
Mitchell forced an unconvincing grin, but turned to the woman sitting next to him. "Yeah, and while we're talking about career changes, I wouldn't quit your day job, Miss-best-thief-in-two-galaxies."
Vala sputtered in indignation. "That wasn't my fault! I told you: it was an alien security system. I had no way of knowing that would happen!"
"People," Landry interrupted. "I think we're getting a little off track here. Is there anything else the four of you have learned from this mission." Seeing Vala open her mouth, he raised a hand to stop her. "Besides the various careers for which the four of you are apparently spectacularly unsuited." Vala's mouth closed and she looked back to the table.
"Well, we learned that Vala is a little fuzzy on percentages," Daniel said. Although his tone was a bit lighter than before, he still earned a slight glare from Vala.
"And that she might not be as good as Carter, but she still knows more about DHD's than the rest of us," Cameron said with a small smile of apology. Vala returned his smile with a slightly embarrassed grin of her own.
"And as bad as Daniel may be at coming up with a convincing threat," Vala said, ignoring Daniel's look, "perhaps creating a real threat isn't any better." Both Daniel and Cameron looked surprised at her admission, but she merely gave a weak smile.
"We've also learned that apparently all cultures that are even close to our level of technology have some form of weapon that delivers an electrical shock in order to incapacitate their victim." Daniel rubbed his temple with one hand as he spoke.
"And apparently, you are the aliens' favorite target when it comes to testing their various zapping devices," Cam said to Daniel.
"Thanks so much for reminding me," Daniel muttered.
"We learned that duct tape is a wonderful solution for irritating little security men," Vala chimed in, with another pointed look to Cameron.
"It also appears that Daniel Jackson is not sufficiently well-versed in Tau'ri popular culture." Teal'c actually grinned as he spoke.
Daniel rolled his eyes. "So, I've never seen 'Die Hard.' Then again, I never thought it would come up on an off-world mission either."
"See, team movie night is useful!" Mitchell looked gleeful. "That guard actually thought we were talking in code, you know."
"Oh please," Vala exclaimed. "That guard was an incompetent little worm. Personally, I think he was a taco short of a full deck, if you know what I mean." Four pairs of eyes all turned to look at her curiously. "What? Isn't that how the phrase is supposed to go." Daniel merely shook his head as Mitchell grinned, barely suppressing a laugh.
Landry cleared his throat to get the team's attention. Somewhere along the line, they had almost forgotten he was there, which, in a way, was exactly what he wanted. SG-1 just needed a chance to unwind, to vent, and to process what exactly had happened on that planet. And if, in the process, General Landry was given the privilege of sitting in on yet another session of SG-1's signature banter, than that was a small price to pay. "All right people, amusing anecdotes aside, is there anything else you would like to add?"
Again they exchanged looks, and again there was a long silence before Daniel spoke. This time, the archeologist was much more subdued, returning his gaze to the table before him and speaking in a quiet, controlled voice.
"I'd like to think we've learned that posing as rebels and taking hostages only makes a bad situation worse," Daniel said, once again refusing to look any of his teammates in the eye.
"On that note," Mitchell began, "another thing we learned is that the three of us shouldn't dismiss Jackson's suggestion to negotiate just because we run into a little bit of trouble." Daniel looked up quickly to meet Cameron's gaze. "After all, in the end we had to talk our way out of there anyway. We could have saved ourselves a lot of trouble by trying that method in the first place."
Daniel shook his head slightly. "No, you guys were right. It probably wouldn't have worked. The only reason Quartus believed us was because the active gate was right in front of him, and even with undeniable proof, he still almost didn't let us go."
"Yeah, but it's not like our plan worked any better," Cam said.
"I think we can all agree that this was far from an ideal mission," Landry said. "Obviously, some mistakes were made, but you were short on options at the time. And it seems that some valuable lessons were learned." This was greeted by a "yes, sir" from Mitchell and some vague nods of agreement from the others. "In the morning we will attempt to dial P4M-328. Hopefully they'll be open to further contact, despite recent misunderstandings." Landry stood up from the table, prompting Mitchell to rise as well. "SG-1, you are dismissed. As for myself, I have to make a phone call to a certain General." Daniel's head snapped up in alarm. Landry merely smiled with a slightly devious look in his eye. "Jack is never going to believe what his favorite team has gotten themselves into today."
"Sir, is that really necessary?" Daniel asked, pushing back from the table to stand up.
"Probably not, but I can't resist the urge to tell him personally. His reaction will be priceless." With another wicked grin, Landry turned and headed towards his office.
Daniel dropped his head in defeat. "Jack is never going to let me hear the end of this one," he muttered, before falling in behind his teammates as they left the room.