Deep breath in. Deep breath out. I'm going to be just fine, I can do this. I know I can. Today is the day I've been anticipating and dreading all the same for many months. The Choosing Ceremony. I know I have nothing to worry about but for some reason I just can't shake the upset feeling in my stomach. To my left I see Dauntless, Candor, and Erudite. To my right is Abnegation. And then there is me sitting in the field of Amity families all here for the very same reason. I've always known I didn't belong in Amity. I have known this day was coming for a long time, but that doesn't make it any better. There are plenty of others who have gone through what I am about to do. Soon I will be another one on the list.
Ever since I was little I've been an outcast to put it lightly. My parents were the first to notice before I even notice it myself. From what my "adoptive mother" has told me they knew when I was just a toddler. They would try to administer more peace serum into me. They would feed me bread with every meal. But even when I had all the extra serum I still wasn't able to be have like a proper Amity would. I would fidget, I would fuss, I was restless and hyperactive. My parents became more frustrated with me daily. It got to the point where they were asking to be allowed to put it into my drinks as to regulate it even more. The first time I got into a fight however, that was the day that my parents just gave up all hope of me being any kind or normal. I never meant to fight, but I literally couldn't control myself.
I was only seven years old. I was sitting eating lunch with a couple other kids from Amity. One of them was my best friend Elias. We were minding my business and I was bouncing around as I normally do, talking a little to loud, making Elias laugh and laughing at him. One of the girls who didn't let her dislike of me be hidden was sitting a little ways down the table from us. Elias and I lowered our voices just enough to hear what she was saying to her group of friends. Only to find out they were talking about me. Apparently that hadn't even noticed that we had stopped talking and started listening to them. She was saying how my parents were talking to her parents about how weird I was and how I didn't fit in anywhere. Something inside me snapped and I reached across the table to where she was and smacked her drink out of her hand and into her lap. Within seconds her parents were grabbing her and mine were grabbing me.
Myself and my parents made our way back to our home. When we got there they went into their bedroom and made me wait in the kitchen. They made a phone call that I could only barely make out, not even enough to remember what was actually said. All I remember was them coming out of the room. All three of us putting my things into bags. And Johanna arriving at our home. She had me go on a walk with her and two men who carried my things. Johanna and I made it back to her home, and they put my things down in what seemed to be an extra room. She didn't say much other than she was going to help me for a while. After that I never went back to my home with my parents, and the only time I saw them was in passing. They never even stopped to do as much as say hi to me.
With Johanna's help I was able to behave myself and maintain some sense of normalcy without having to be drugged up. She helped me find myself and be able to focus better. Even with everything she did for me, right down to adopting me legally, we both knew that this day would be coming. She knew I was different and instead of trying to suppress it, she fully accepted it. I love her and to this day she is more a mother to me than the woman who birthed me. When we finally came to terms with what was going to happen on my Choosing day we both sat down and talked about it. She told me how proud she is and how much she loves me. We cried and made peace with our goodbyes knowing it wouldn't be the last time we saw each other. The only thing that hurts is not having her here with me today. I close my eyes as I try to listen to what name is being called to see when my turn will be. I am interrupted by someone clearing their throat.
"Analissia." The voice says. I look up to see none other than my 'other mother' (the name that was given to her after she sent me to Johanna.)
"Yes?" I say, not doing a good job of hiding my unwillingness to talk to her right now.
"Ana, I want you to come home honey. We love you, your father and I, and we miss you so much. After the choosing is over you can come home. We can be happy just like before. I'm sure you know you have a little sister. She would love to meet you. This will be so good for all of us. I love you."
"You're kidding me ... right?"
Before I even have a chance to say anything else I hear Marcus call out another name.
Analissia Reyes
By now my heart is pounding so loudly I can hear it ringing in my ears. So much for being calm when this happened. Instead of even trying to communicate with my other mother I just pushed past her in a way that screams 'non-Amity'. I make my way down the walkway of the auditorium seats and up the steps of the stage. The five white bowls are lined up exactly the same as the seating plan in here. Dauntless has coals, Candor has glass, water for Erudite, earth for Amity, and plain gray rocks to represent Abnegation. I don't hesitate for even a second when I grab the knife and cut a small slit into my palm. My hand reaches out over the hot Dauntless coals just as it has so many times before in my dreams. Only this time it is real. This time there is no waking up from it. This is permanent. I turn my hand palm facing down over the bowl and squeeze the blood drops off of my hand. Everything seems to move slow motion as the blood falls onto the coals. I hear the sizzling resonating through my ears and throughout my body. Marcus shouts Dauntless and everyone claps as they do for everyone else.
Everyone except other mother who has a look on her face unlike anything I've ever seen on a sane Amity person. She almost looks ... feral. I turn away and walk down the stage to the rowdy crowd of Dauntless. All the way down the front row is transfer initiates. To my immediate right is the only Abnegation transfer, Beatrice. To my left is an empty seat, and just beyond that is all Erudite and Candor. So far Beatrice and myself are the only two transfers who aren't from Erudite or Candor. The list is almost over and there is one person who hasn't been called yet.
Elias Walker
And there it is. My best friend. He and I never discussed what he was going to choose. My choice wasn't necessarily discussed but it was well known that I wouldn't be staying here. He gives his mom and dad a hug as he walks away from them. I love his mom and dad almost as much as my mom. They didn't exactly understand me, but they accepted me and after what other mother and father did to me, they tried their best to shelter me and make me feel wanted. Once again everything feels as if it is going in slow motion. Elias walks up the stage and stands in front of the bowls. He timidly cuts his hand and reaches out over the bowl full of dirt. Just seconds before the blood falls his hand darts over the dauntless coals. The blood falls and Marcus shouts his new faction. I am somewhat shocked but not fully. Elias has always been more on the antsy side just like me, but he knew how to play the part of Amity and he enjoyed it there when he was serene. But at the same time, he said Amity was supposed to make us feel like free spirits and instead he felt held back from life.
Within seconds the empty chair next to me is filled by my best friend and soon enough everyone has chosen to either leave or stay in their faction. Once Marcus dismisses us with another speech, all the surrounding Dauntless take off running. Elias and I have no trouble keeping up to the group. It is mostly due to our many days spent racing each other as far as we could go through the open fields of Amity. The most freedom we had in that place was when we would take off and not look back. But each time we had to return to our homes. This time it's different. This time we are running from home for the last time. This time there is no going back.
We make it to the train's support beams and everyone begins to climb up them. Again our life in Amity helped with this because countless nights were spent climbing trees to look at the stars. We would sit up there and laugh about what our lives would be like if they were different in any way. We would have contests to see who could climb the highest. This was easier than climbing trees. Once we were up onto the platform, we waited with anticipation just like all of the other initiates. As soon as the train came into sight they started running and so did we. One by one the initiates were jumping onto small ledges of the train carts and pushing the button to open the doors. A Dauntless born pushed the button and jumped into the cart that Elias and I jumped into. Once we got inside I looked both ways and realized that all of the carts were connected.
Elias and I sat down against the opposite wall as we regained our breath. The last person to jump on was Beatrice. She barely made it on before the platform ended and once in she stumbled over her feet and nearly landed on one of the Candor girls. Beatrice and I knew each other from prior meetings that we had attended with our parents. The Candor girl introduced herself as Christina and Elias introduced himself. Christina looked around and laughed as she asked if the Dauntless leaders were already trying to kill us to which Elias, Beatrice, and I just laughed. We all rode like this as we made small talk and got our composure back. The train moving us away from our old lives and towards our new lives at Dauntless. And for once, I actually felt like I might fit in.