Cascore's Note: Hello everyone. Welcome to another one shot of mine. It's a silly and somewhat random story that just hit me a little while ago and I decided to make something of it. Hope you enjoy it!
Luigi was in line behind Wario in the school cafeteria, eagerly waiting for him to step forward and get out of the way of the delicious Caesar salads he'd been hooked on for the past few weeks. He was on a vegetarian kick ever since Daisy deserted eating meat herself. The act indirectly influenced Luigi to do the same and he was loving it all the way.
Wario finally stepped forward, letting Luigi practically attack a readily available plate of salad. The sudden motion caused Luigi to bump into Wario accidently. Wario turned around quickly, looking irritated.
"Watch it Mario's wimpy little brother!" he said angrily. Luigi let out a small sigh.
"Why can't anyone ever remember my name?" he muttered. Wario scoffed at him before turning to grab a plate containing a slab of steak with mashed potatoes on the size, gravy slathered over both items. Luigi noticed this and decided to interject his thoughts.
"Hey Wario, you probably shouldn't eat that," he said, sticking his head over Wario's shoulder. Wario subtly and quickly nudged his shoulder up, smacking Luigi's chin to make him back off.
"Tch, why shouldn't I loser?" he asked, leaving to go to his lunch table. Luigi followed him, holding his hurt chin with his free hand.
"Well, you know, it's not healthy for you," Luigi said, though, looking at Wario, health didn't appear to matter to him. Wario ignored the point and Luigi decided to try another tactic. "And, uh, don't you ever think about what had to die in order for you to eat that? I mean, that piece of meat used to have eyelashes!"
Wario suddenly stopped, making Luigi bump into him again. He turned around to face the brother in green and began to speak in a very matter-of-factly voice.
"That's really selfish of you Mario's younger yet taller brother," Wario began. "Don't you ever think about anything but yourself?"
"What are you talking about?" Luigi said, taken aback.
"Sure, meat may be slightly unhealthier for you, but think about the ecosystem," Wario continued. "Did you know that cow farts are the world's leading source of carbon dioxide emissions? Carbon dioxide is what's destroying our O-Zone layer and leading to global warming, not to mention we can't even breathe it in. It's largely because of cow farts that global warming is occurring and our polar ice caps are melting away, endangering the lives of thousands and thousands of ice-dwelling creatures. And vegetables are what turns carbon dioxide into oxygen via their photosynthesis process. Now, you mean to tell me that I'm doing something bad by eating animals when you're the one that's eating what changes carbon dioxide into oxygen? Mario's stupid and ugly little brother, I'm eating the problem on a daily basis. You're eating the solution. You selfish bastard."
The speech left Luigi stunned as Wario walked away triumphantly. Soon, Waluigi came walking by Luigi with his own plate of steak, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Luigi spoke up to him before he got too far.
"Hey Waluigi, is it true that cow farts emit more carbon dioxide than any other source in the world?" he asked, hoping that Waluigi would say different. However, the tall, lanky young man whipped around and backhanded Luigi across the cheek with a hand of suddenly acquired bling.
"Shut up! I'm Rick James, bitch!" Waluigi said before continuing on his way, leaving Luigi to rub his cheek in pain.
–
Later, after school ended and Luigi was back at his home, he decided to ask Mario if what Wario said was true. He found his brother making out with Peach in the kitchen and decided that right then was as good a time as any to ask.
"Hey bro, is it true that cow farts emit more carbon dioxide than anything else in the world?" he asked, causing Peach to break the long kiss abruptly.
"Oh my God, what did you just say?" she asked in astonishment.
"I was just asking about cow farts," Luigi said simply, making Peach separate from Mario in disgust.
"That's so gross Luigi, ew," Peach said, grabbing her backpack and getting ready to leave the house. "Call me when your brother's not about to ask a disgusting question Mario. I'll see you later."
"But...Peach, wait!" Mario called as Peach closed the door behind her. Mario quickly rounded on Luigi angrily. "Dude, Luigi, what the hell man!?" he fumed, causing Luigi to shrink back in fear. "Did you really have to interrupt us with a stupid question like that!? Come on!"
"Sorry bro, I just wanna know if it's true," Luigi said. Mario sighed and smacked a hand to his forehead.
"Yes Luigi, it's true," Mario answered with a sigh as he dropped himself into a seat next to the dining table. "Scientists have discovered that cow farts are the leading source of carbon dioxide in the world. Are you happy now?"
"I wish I woulda known sooner!" Luigi said, suddenly angry at himself for eating nothing but vegetables the past few weeks. A few seconds of silence prevailed before Luigi spoke again. "So, wanna go get a burger?"
"Sure," Mario shrugged. The two soon left for the local burger joint down the street.
–
The next day at school, Luigi was behind Wario in line for lunch once more. Wario grabbed his usual plate of meat-based food and, as he turned to head for his table, he noticed that Luigi grabbed a plate of the same food. Wario faced him with a smug smile.
"So, converted to meatitarianism?" Wario asked with a cheesy "I told you so" kind of smile.
"I don't think meatitarianism is a real word...but yes," Luigi said. "I did some research after school yesterday about what you said, and you were right. It's scientifically proven that cow farts produce the most carbon dioxide in the world." Wario gained something of a shocked look as Luigi smiled at him. "I never thought I'd say this to you, but thanks Wario. Now I'm all about eating meat!"
Luigi left, headed for his table, while Wario remained still, rather surprised by what just happened.
"Hell, I just made all that crap up," he admitted as Waluigi came walking by him. "Man, I rock."
Waluigi swiftly turned on Wario and backhanded him with his hand of suddenly acquired bling.
"Shut up! I'm Rick James, bitch!" he shouted once again before continuing to his table as if nothing happened. Wario simply stared at him for a while.
"Who the hell's Rick James?" he muttered before continuing on his way.
–
The very next day, Wario's fat ass died due to a heart attack. Fortunately, the rest of his body survived the attack and he is currently growing a new ass. He continues to eat only meat.
Luigi continued to eat only meat until he noticed he was growing a little pudgy and started feeling sick from the sudden lack of vitamins that vegetables gave him. He soon gave up on eating just one type of food and began eating both meat and vegetables again.
Mario and Peach made out many times in the future without Luigi interrupting. Peach is now pregnant. She is not sure if Mario is the father.
Waluigi continued slapping anybody who spoke to him and shouting "Shut up! I'm Rick James, bitch!" Nobody has figured out who Rick James is to this day.