Okay, I was watching the Vampire Diaries on DVD when this fanfic began to map itself out in my mind. Now, I know you'll probably notice striking similarities between this fanfic and another titled "Deleted Scenes". Fear not, however, I have permission from Lostie Winchester Salvatore Linus to post this story. If you haven't read "Deleted Scenes" please read it now. As usual, feedback? Always welcome. Even encouraged!
WARNING! Craziness, swearing, randomness, wackiness and a whole lot of other fun things.
Outtake from "Unpleasantville".
"Elena, would you like to dance?" Damon asked with a smirk. Elena beamed "I would love to make out with - uh - I mean dance with you, Damon." Elena said, taking his hand. "But - but - " Stefan stuttered as Damon lead Elena out past the dancefloor and out of the gym. Stefan, Jeremy, Jenna, Caroline and Bonnie stared after them, jaws dropped.
Outtake from any episode.
"No one understands me!" Jeremy cried, throwing a book across the room. Damon ducked as the projectile object came his way. "What the hell?" he muttered "I thought you gave up this emo act?" Damon asked Jeremy, who spun on him, eyes welling up with tears "I am not emo!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. Elena entered the room "What's going on? Is Jeremy going emo, again?" "I'm not emo!" Jeremy wailed. Stefan walked into the room "Wait. Jeremy's emo, again?" "Stop calling me emo!" Jeremy screamed stalking out of the room. "At least my journal understand me." Jeremy whimpered. Damon, Elena and Stefan looked at each other, confused. "When did he go emo, again?" Elena asked. "I'm not emo!" Jeremy shrieked. Alaric walked into the room, nodding "Oh, he's totally emo." "Yeah." "That's what I thought." everyone agreed.
Outtake from "Miss Mystic Falls".
Damon and Elena walked out into the courtyard. "Damon's hot." Jenna murmured, then started. She looked over to Alaric, worried that he heard her. Alaric was too busy staring at Damon and Elena, an unreadable expression on his face. "Damon's gorgeous." He murmured then backpedalled "Um, I meant, Elena's gorgeous . . ." he muttered looking around suspiciously. No one seemed to notice. Damn. Damon's fine. . .Alaric thought.
Out on the courtyard:
The smirk Damon had from overhearing Jenna slid off his face and was replaced with an expression of shock.
Outtake from "Children Of The Damned".
Stefan's shovel clanged when it hit something at the bottom of the hole. "Is that it?" Elena asked. Stefan dropped his shovel at the edge of the hole, then hunched over. Elena heard him grunting. "Stefan?" she asked, worried. Stefan pulled something out of the hole. It was a jar full of coins. "Jackpot!" Stefan crowed, triumphantly. "Um, Stefan. I thought we were looking for the Grimoire?" Elena asked. "Well, what do you know?" Elena and Stefan whirled around. Damon was standing at the edge of the wood. "This is an interesting turn of events." Stefan smiled widely "You're right it is!" Damon looked at him, puzzled. "Look what I found!" Stefan positively squealed delightedly. Damon's face lit up "Is that our old jar of coins?" He asked, excitedly. Stefan nodded, "Yeah!" Damon hopped into the hole with him. "Is it all there? No one stole any did they?" Elena looked at them before saying "What the hell? I thought we were looking for the Grimoire. . . " "Hee hee!" Stefan giggled. Wait - Stefan giggled?"God, it's been underground for-ev-er!" Stefan said, relieved. Damon chuckled "I know!" Elena threw her hands into the air, crying "I give up!" she stalked away, unnoticed by the brothers.
Outtake from "Fool Me Once".
"She's not here." Damon muttered in disbelief, kicking the lifeless body before him. Stefan raced to his brother's side. "Damon." He murmured gripping his brother's shoulder. Damon shook his head then threw the blood bag at the tomb wall, it broke splattering the wall with blood. "She's not here!" Damon yelled. Stefan shook his head "That bitch!" Damon looked at Stefan in surprise "That whore!" Stefan yelled. "Are you drunk?" Damon asked, confused. "Do you realize what this means?" Stefan yelled. Damon took a step back, shaking his head in confusion "No." "It means that, that little slut must've been banging our father, too!" Damon looked at Stefan, a mixture of amusement and surprise on his face. "Um, Stefan, I think you've finally lost it."
Rewrite of the same scene:
"Shh. It's okay, Damon." Stefan said, soothingly to his big brother. Damon was barely hanging on by a thread "She left me, Stefan. She really and truly left me!" Stefan patted his brother's shoulder, saying calmly "It's okay, Damon. We'll just hunt the bitch down." Damon looked at Stefan hopefully "Really?" he asked, eyes shining. Stefan nodded "Yep." he replied. "Can we - can we tie her to a bed and torture her until she loves us again?" Damon asked, his voice quivering with barely concealed delight. "Oh, totally!" Stefan agreed. "Damon!" Elena cried running into the chamber. She stumbled back a couple steps when Stefan and Damon turned towards her, eyes wild. Oh, damn. Elena thought, eyes springing open wide. She spun on her heel and ran from the tomb, biting her lip to keep from screaming in fear. Damon and Stefan took off after her yelling "Katherine! Wait! Come back! We need to talk to you!"
Outtake from any episode.
Damon jumped when a hand gripped his thigh tightly under the table. He turned to his right. Jenna smirked and winked at him. Damon just nodded, silently in reply. And jumped again when a hand, once again gripped his thigh under the table. This time Alaric winked at him. Damon gulped audibly. Stefan, Elena and Jeremy snickered over their plates as Damon was repeatedly assaulted by Jenna and Alaric. "Finally. Suitable punishment for him." Elena giggled. "It's not funny." Stefan choked out, laughing. "When do you think Bonnie should remove the spell?" Jeremy asked. Elena glanced at Damon, who was throwing a pleading look her way. Then back to Jeremy, asking perplexed "What spell?"
Outtake from any episode.
Alaric Saltzman was sitting on a barstool in the Mystic Grill. His drink in front of him, forgotten. He was deep in thought, pondering something that has been bothering him since his first day teaching at Mystic Falls High. How does Stefan's hair stay up like that? How much mousse does he use in it? Does it naturally grow - ? Alaric was pulled from his thoughts as the boy in question walked by with his Great, Big, Shining Hair. And once again, Alaric failed to solve the Mystery of Stefan Salvatore's Hair.
Outtake from "A Few Good Men".
Damon pulled back from the dark haired girls throat, sighing contentedly. The lights came on. Damon winced. "Hey, Damon. Have you seen Stefan?" Elena asked then froze when she saw the girls, dancing around the room in their underwear. Elena's face clouded with rage. "Damn you Damon!" She shrieked. Damon plastered an innocent look on his face before asking "What'd I do?" "I can't believe you're cheating on me!"Elena screamed. Damon fell back a couple steps. "Um, okay. A: When did we start dating? B: What the hell is going on inside that head of yours?" Elena's eyes filled with tears, as she yelled "As if you don't know!" she stalked out of the room. Damon heard the front door slam. A girl turned to him "So, is she, like, your girlfriend?" Damon looked at her as though he thought she were insane "No. She's dating my brother." As if on cue Stefan entered the parlor. "Damon." he said, shocked taking a step back. "What the hell are you doing?" Damon looked around the room with an expression that said it should've been obvious. "Are you cheating on Elena?" Stefan shrieked. Damon reeled back a couple steps "Dude, what the hell have you been drinking?" "Damn it, Damon! Don't you understand? You're supposed to be hopelessly in love with Elena! That's how this show works! It's the shows lifeblood!" Damon froze "Show?" "Yes! Damon! You're supposed to pine after Elena! Not whore around!" Damon looked confused "We're in a TV show?" Stefan nodded slowly "Yes . . ." "So, does that mean we aren't real . . .?"
Rewrite of the same scene:
Stefan entered the parlor. "No! Buzzkill Bob!" Damon cried, dramatically. "Sorry to interrupt, Damon. But I have some very distressing news." Damon stepped away from the girls. "What is it? Stefan! What's wrong?" Stefan's eyes filled with tears as he said "L.J. Smith was fired! She can't write our stories anymore!" Damon looked confused "L.J. Smith? The writer? How can you fire a writer?" Stefan sobbed "That's not the worst of it. Our life stories? They were hired works!" Damon blinked "Whoa. Wait a minute. Say what you want about me, but my life ain't for sale." "Apparently it is." Damon turned to Stefan, who was looking at him seriously "Do you realize how many fans you have? I'll tell you! You have more than me! You arrogant bastard!" "Why was she fired?" Damon asked, unfazed by Stefan's outburst. "She was fired because she was going to end the stories with Delena rather than what the publishers wanted, Stelena." Stefan said tiredly. "Delena? Stelena? What the hell is that?" Damon asked, puzzled. "Delena is Damon and Elena together. Stelena is Stefan and Elena together." Damon's eyes lit up. "So the writer was gonna put me with your girl! I bet when you heard that you compelled them to fire her!" Damon crowed. Stefan snorted, shaking his head "No. I wasn't worried. Because what happens in the books doesn't affect what happens in the TV show. Much." with that Stefan departed. Damon looked at the Tri-Delts, who had frozen, they looked at Damon with a mixture of disgust and confusion. Damon smirked "Well, if you'll excuse me ladies. I'm off to pine after a woman I'll never have." He said as he left the room.
Outtake from "Haunted".
After staking Vicki, Stefan whipped his cellphone from his pocket. He dialed Damon's number. "Damon?" he asked when the call was answered. "What?" the older Salvatore replied. "I need your help." "Where are you?" Stefan glanced at his surroundings "The school parking lot. I'm behind - " "I know." The voice said from behind him. It echoed in his phone too. Stefan turned around. Damon was standing behind him, holding his cell to his ear. "Oh, thank God." Stefan said, relieved. His words echoed through the phones. "I'm going to hang up, now." Damon said, still holding his phone to his ear. Stefan nodded "Right."