Rain is pouring down, I know I'm beyond any drying charm known to wizard kind, and I don't care. I am numb and scared shitless that I've lost him for good this time. I should have known it was all too good to be true. Being in love with such a self-centred arsehole was never going to end well, but I have always been an eternal optimist. I should have left, pretended I didn't hear what I heard but no, that would be too easy and wouldn't hurt nearly as much as what I know I had to do. If I hadn't confronted him this time, I never would have, and I would be stuck in a permanent state of misery and despair.
He wasn't going to walk away this time and not hear what I had dragged him outside to hear.
"James what the fuck is going on? What is so important that it couldn't wait until later?" He had asked as if he is innocent, and I am some crazed lunatic that gets off on catching pneumonia.
"Why don't you tell me, Teddy? You tell me why you act like such an arse when anyone else is around? Tell me why you can't just admit we're together. Tell me why I am your dirty little secret!" I screamed at him. Maybe the lunatic thing isn't that far off the mark, as far as he was concerned he had done nothing. There he was hanging out with friends, having a few after work drinks, acting for the entire world as if completely ignoring me is perfectly acceptable until I dragged him outside, into the pouring rain, to demand his full and undivided attention.
"I don't know what you're on about mate but could we please talk about it later? You look tired, you go home, and I'll meet you there soon." He'd said, trying to calm me with his patented concerned big brother act.
"Fuck you! I am leaving, but don't expect me to be there when you come home because I won't be. I won't stand by and be ignored anymore or worse play the adoring little brother around your arsehole mates for another minute, I'm over it. I deserve better than that. I love you Teddy and when you're ready to admit you love me too, in public, you come and find me."
I didn't give him a chance to spin his bullshit excuses, I turned on my heel and apparated away to Merlin knows where. I was lucky I didn't leave half of myself behind.
Now, I'm sitting in Grandma Weasley's kitchen wrapped in a Chudley Canon's quilt drinking fire whiskey spiked tea, bawling my eyes out like a big girl. Grandma never asks questions, she just took one look at me and said "I'll make tea," like all the worst problems in the world can be solved with a nice hot cuppa and a few homemade biscuits. I normally would have agreed with her because if Grandma's ginger biscuits can't cure what ails you then it can't be cured. I feel broken and hollow, like someone has bypassed casting an unforgivable on me, instead choosing to reach inside my chest and rip out my heart with their bare hands.
Grandma strokes my hair and lets me soak her dressing gown with my tears while she tries to calm me down. She is telling me everything will be OK
After a long while Grandma decides that helping her sort out her photo albums will help me feel better, I doubt it but since I am an uninvited guest in her home, I go along with it.
With a great sigh I pull the quilt tightly around my body and flop ungracefully down on my favourite sofa. The one I only got to sit in when no one else is visiting or when Teddy let me sit by him at family gatherings when I was younger and we weren't together. "No!" I tell myself I won't think about him I can't or I will be a complete mess again.
Grandma smiles at me warmly as she hands me a large quilted photo album, I recognise it as the Potter-Weasley Album--the one that has pictures spanning forty plus years of our family, from Mum as a baby to Dad's first year at Hogwart's; all the way through their lives right up until little Lily's Graduation three months ago. I remember that day because I was happy; I thought that would be the day Ted would finally let the world know I wasn't just his little adoring mate. "Merlin Jamie, quit it," I tell myself.
"Oh, this is a good one." Grandma smiles over her reading glasses."Lily looks so pretty in lemon yellow, don't you think, Jamie?" I lean over to look at the picture, it's of Lily and Frank Longbottom, they're waving and smiling at the camera their arms wrapped around each other's waists. Their love for each other is practically dripping off them. Frank would never dream of hiding his feelings for Lily, and gods help him if he did. Lily would hex him six ways to Sunday if he even hinted at the idea.
I sigh again, I am such a big girl, it's ridiculous. "Yes Grandma, her hair is very pretty when the sun shines directly on it, just like mums." I say, forcing a smile. Grandma is not fooled, but she nods in agreement and magic's the photograph into the album alongside the other Graduation pictures.
The next one she shows me is of all us boys surrounding Hugo, All five of us, Fred, Al, Louis, Teddy and I. Teddy looks amazing in dress robes, which he rarely wears because he spends most of his time in the muggle world. I look at the picture trying to see something in his face that lets me know he really does love me, but all I see is the lovesick look on my face as he rests his arm on both mine and Freddy's shoulders, grinning widely. This is nothing unusual, just me being deluded, as always.
"Jamie, He does love you, I know he does. He is just worried that your parents would disown him and he would be left with no one."
I almost choke on my own tongue unable to form a response. I collect, myself before I say, "I have no idea what you're on about Gran."
"Oh rubbish. I didn't come down in the last shower you know! I know love when I see it, and I can tell you that Teddy loves you more than life itself he just has trouble showing it. A bit like his Dad after Sirius died... but that is a story for another night."
"Do you really think so?" I ask, before I can stop myself.
"I more than think so, I know so. He's had a hard life, our Teddy, and even though he has been loved by his Nana Tonks, and all of us, he still feels like it he has to earn it. That's why he spends so much time with Victoire." I growl at the mere mention of her name. "Now Jamie, I know you're hurting but please do try and be civil towards your cousin. She has been very distressed of late, not knowing how to convince Teddy that nothing in this world will ever stop him being loved. She loves him just as much as you do and probably has done so for longer than you. How do you think she feels knowing he will never love her the way she needs or wants him too?"
"I don't care, Teddy has never had a problem showing her affection or sharing her with his friends and workmates. It hurts so bad Gran. Like tonight the two of them were all over each other while I got shunted off to the corner as if I was no one." Why doesn't anyone ever see my side of things?
"Oh sweet heart, come here." Gran pulls me into a warm hug kissing my hair as she strokes it gently, when she speaks again it is in a quiet soothing voice, "That is his way of showing that he doesn't love her. I have seen it so many times through the years, my own children are all master's of it, They show affection openly to those they care deeply about, but when it comes to those they truly love, each and every one of them clam up like they're been hit with an impervious charm. Teddy's spent his whole life looking up to your uncles and your father, unfortunately, that trait has obviously rubbed off on him."
"So you're saying that he's afraid of showing me love because he is scared of what, being rejected? I would never!" I am practically shouting now. I would never reject Teddy; I love him more than anyone in the entire world and I have my entire life, in one way or another.
"Shh love, I know, and it's not you he's afraid of losing. There are some people, who are not quite as accepting as others."
"You mean his Nan, don't you?" I ask her, already knowing the answer. Gran makes a noncommittal noise before she changes the subject.
"He'll figure it out soon, and if he doesn't I'll give him a good talking too, how does that sound?" She has her don't mess with me face on.
"Thanks Gran, but you don't have to do that," I can't help but grin at the thought of her giving him a piece of her mind, while force-feeding him ginger newts and pumpkin juice.
"I would do anything in my power to make sure all of my children are happy that includes Teddy." I would never doubt that for a second.
"What about Victoire? She wants Teddy too, and I am not convinced he doesn't still want her."
"Victoire is a smart girl, even she can see that sometimes what we want and what we get are two different things. She will meet someone one day and be happy. All I ask of you is not to make him push her away; he needs her as a friend, and I promise you that is all she will ever be to him."
"OK, if you say so. I will try although it seems like an empty promise seen as though I told him I don't want to see him until he can admit how he feels, in public. I won't wait forever Gran; I refuse to stand by and watch my life slip away while he decides that he doesn't want to take a risk."
"You won't have too. I bet my last Galleon on it." Gran insisted. "Now it's late how about you go on up and try to get some sleep, everything will look better in the morning."