Will I
By: RavenHeart101
Summary: Kurt's at Dalton, Blaine's in love with someone else, and Sam... Sam's just there.
Disclaimer: I don't won Glee. If I did... well... I don't really know WHAT would happen.
I don't own anything done by Rent, Lady Antebellum, Pink, Katy Perry, B.O. B, Hedley, Laura Jansen, U2, Chrisitina Perri, or Sara Barellies.
A: N- I'm one of those people who's trying very hard to accept the idea that Klaine probably won't get beyond anything one-sided. But, you know, if RM decides to make it happen as something MORE than one-sided I will be a very happy fangirl. So... I'm giving the Kurt and Sam pairing a try. Even if I can't really see where it comes from.
Just to point it out: This is my longest one shot! Yay!
A: N: So, the Valentines Day episode didn't depress me! I was freaking out over nothing! I'm still a happy Klaine fangirl but I figured I'd actually finish this since it took me so long to write.
"Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow? From this nightmare?"
Life is one those funny things that you can't escape. No matter how much you want to. Just like reality. It just likes to show you all these lovely possibilities and then rip them out from under your feet so you're stuck in a pile of disgustingly muddy reality that is so very hard to wash out of your clothes. So, honestly, it's not all that strange that Kurt hates reality with a burning passion the moment Blaine walks out of his room to go on a date with that random GAP Boy that seemed like such a horrible plot device to make his life that much more miserable. And, damn him for having Katy Perry on blast the whole damn time. And damn him for wanting to burst out crying and laughing at the same time over the fact that he just got to give the guy of his dreams a complete and utter makeover. And damn him for still not changing out of that damn uniform that was cramping his style. And... damn everything.
He fell onto his bed with a sound that was a cross between a sigh and a moan. It was agonizing. This whole year was so agonizing. Whenever anything good happened something had to come and make it not-so-good. It was starting to get on his nerves.
He turned on his side, pressing his face into the horrible standard Dalton issue pillow, not even caring that he was totally messing up his hair. He took a deep breath and screamed. It was a damn bloody murder scream that, had it not been muffled by the pillow, would have made someone call the police. Tears leaked out his eyes from the mere force of it. His voice was going to be gone for tomorrow's Warbler's practice but screw him if he cared anymore.
His eyes caught sight of the pictures on his mantle. Him and Mercedes at the mall, Brittany and Santana and Ms. Sylvester and him after Nationals holding the cheering trophy between the four of them with proud smiles. Him and his father and Carole and Finn from after the wedding. Him and his father on the couch from when he was around ten and it was his father's birthday. Him and his mother cuddling under the sun outside on a picnic blanket. Him and the rest of the Glee club after Sectionals last year.
Actual sobs ripped through his body. The silent kind of sobs. The kind of sobs that tore your soul apart and refused to let go. The kind of sobs that left your ribs hurting and your fists clenching and your heart screaming. It was the kind of image that would definitely ruin his skin and leave his face red and blotchy. He couldn't bring himself to care at the moment. But, then again, he thought as he heard the door open up slightly, maybe he should care. So Kurt found himself turning on his side so that his back was to Nick and pushed his face into the pillow. His arms found themselves around his chest as his sobs continued.
He ignored Nick's quiet, comforting questions. He ignored the soft touch on his shoulder. He ignored how the other boy had turned off his music. He ignored the soothing sounds. He ignored everything but his sorrow.
"Can we pretend that Airplanes, in the midnight sky, are like shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now..."
The next day wasn't any better for Kurt. He found himself falling even more in love with Blaine when the other boy gushed about his amazing date with that plot point. And then he found himself coming up with a horrible story about what he did after he helped Blaine with his makeover. It was horribly agonizing. "You think you can help me with my French?" Blaine had asked casually in the middle of their conversation. Kurt's heart seized. He didn't really know what to do.
He forced himself to swallow. "Sure." He hadn't meant to say that did he? He didn't really want to help Blaine with his French. But... really he did. He would help Blaine with anything as long as that meant that he got to be with Blaine.
The dazzling smile he got in return almost made him convinced that it was worth it. That all of this pain was worth that one smile. A total lie, but he had somehow managed to convince himself of that with Finn so he should be able to do the same with Blaine, right? While he was at it he should probably convince himself that friendship with Blaine was enough. But, damn it all to hell, this sucked! "You're an angel, I swear!" Blaine laughed lightly before straightening up in his seat. His smile was gone and Kurt realized he had screwed up somewhere along the line because Blaine was looking at him like that and damn him for being able to read Kurt so well. "Are you okay, Kurt?"
The concern was almost too much. His heart jumped in his throat. And damn it he wasn't okay. Tears stung at the corner of his eyes, and he forced them back. "I'm fine." He forced a smile. And Blaine could tell it was a forced smile because it was Blaine and Blaine, for some reason, could read him like his own father sometimes.
"Kurt..." His hand was resting over Kurt's right now and the younger boy couldn't figure out how the hell Blaine didn't know yet. And he was busy cursing his heart for speeding up at such a simple touch that obviously meant nothing to Blaine. Well... that wasn't true. Kurt was sure it meant something. Probably comfort, because Blaine was such a touchy person all the time. "What's going on?"
And damn if it wasn't that soft, curious and worried tone that made that damn tear slide down his cheek. "Homesick." He choked out. And, well that wasn't a lie. He was homesick. But he was also heartbroken. And lonely. So, very – very – lonely.
Blaine's brown eyes were wide in sympathy as he put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into his blazer clad shoulder. "I get it." He said softly. No... no you don't. Kurt tried to say. But nothing came out except a small sob. And he couldn't help turning his face into Blaine's neck, because, damn it, this was the closet he was probably ever going to get to the other boy.
"...I'm tired of learning life the hard way. I wish that being strong was easy. But I want it more this time..."
He was officially done with falling in love. Kurt was sick of crying over people he couldn't have. First Finn, then Sam (for however short amount of time that was), and then Blaine. And he was sick of falling into these traps where his heart would only break more and more. He wasn't sure if there was any part of his heart left to break. He picked up Pavoratti's cage with a shaking hand, pulling the cage down the stairs with him. He set the bird carefully on the table, smiling slightly as the tiny yellow animal pranced around in his cage. His hand stilled from where it was pushing open his Algebra book when his phone vibrated softly in his pocket.
With a sigh he pulled it out. His eyes teared up when he saw Blaine's name flashing on the screen and thought about whether he should answer it or not. His mind must have made the decision for him, because it pressed the "talk" button before he could stop it. "Hello Blaine Anderson." Thank goodness the tremble was kept out of his voice.
"Hello Kurt Hummel." The other boy's voice teased back at him. Kurt couldn't fight the smile that fit across his face at that tone. "So... I just got my French test back."
Kurt couldn't see where this was important enough to call him, but he wasn't going to say anything. "And...?"
"And I got a B plus!" Blaine's excitement was contagious, and Kurt found a smile pulling over his lips, spread his face taut.
"That's great!" He said in happiness. And, really, it was. Blaine deserved that "B" more than a lot of people in Dalton.
"I know right?" There was happy sigh from the other side of the phone. "Anyway, Jeff's taking me out for coffee to celebrate so... I just thought I'd send my eternal gratitude towards you Kurt Hummel. You need anything, anything at all, just ask, okay?" His heart stopped. That horrible random plot device that was created to ruin his non-existent love life was taking out the person who he wanted to be in his non-existent love life to coffee...? It really shouldn't have surprised him as much as it did, Blaine and Jeff were dating now. "Kurt...?" And that worried edge was back in Blaine's voice.
"Hmm? Oh yeah it's fine. Listen I have a lot of homework to do right now. I'll talk to you later okay?"
"That's fine. Need anything you call me all right?"
"Don't be such a mother hen." Kurt was trying so very hard to keep the eternal anguish from showing unnecessarily in his voice. "I will. Have fun."
"I'll pick you up a coffee or something-"
"Don't worry about it, Blaine. I'll probably be sleeping when you get back anyway." He forced a laugh into his side of the conversation. "Just have fun. You deserve it."
"So do you-"
"Bye, Blaine." He hung up on the older boy because he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself from crying this time around. And that... that had to be what he hated the most. All of this damn crying was defiantly ruining his skin. He stared down at his phone in his shaking hand and scrolled down his contact list, his thumb pausing over Mercedes' number. His lower lip trembled as he pressed down on it, his other finger reaching into Pavoratti's cage to pat his soft fur lightly. "Hey 'Cedes." He said with as much confidence as he could when she picked up.
"Kurt Hummel do not 'hey 'Cedes' me! Why haven't you called me boy?" Mercedes berated him lightly on the other side. His heart clenched even more at the sound of her voice and he cursed the way his voice was shaking when he answered.
"Sorry hun... Things... I haven't been having the best month."
"Try year, sweetie." Her voice was softer, comforting and Kurt was reveling in the sound of it. He missed her so much.
"I miss you so much 'Cedes."
"Oh me too, Kurt." He heard her desperate sigh from the other end.
"Can I come over?" He sounded pathetic even to himself.
He felt his heart break even more at her pause. "I would say yes, baby you know that... But my mom's having some of the church girls over this weekend... and-"
His head shook lightly, and his voice came out a lot stronger than he expected. It was still weak to his standards, but stronger. "It's fine..."
"No, it very well isn't fine! We need to catch up! And you need to stop crying, baby."
"I know." He said softly, his voice coming out even more choked up than before.
Mercedes heaved a large sigh from her end of the phone and Kurt heard Mr. Schue's voice break into the background. "Hold on a sec, Kurt. I'll tell Mr. S that I got to go-"
"Don't worry about it 'Cedes. Stay. Tell the guys and girls that I say hi."
"I'll call you the second practice is over, Kurt."
"It's fine if you don't. I think I'm going to catch a nap anyway."
"All right, baby you do that. Love you."
"Love you too." And they hung up and Kurt curled up on the couch cursing whomever he could as more tears poured down his cheeks as he remembered his old Glee Club.
"Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep. Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat. I hope it's going to make you notice... someone like me."
After him and Mercedes had a very long talk about anything that wasn't his current heartache Kurt found himself lounging in his dorm listening to the action movie Nick was watching as he scanned over Tina's English essay for her. She had kindly asked for his opinion, and it was due at the end of the week, so he figured he'd help her out by reading over it. She was very talented writer, and she was very lucky that he had to read The Crucible early on in his stay at Dalton. The class he was in had been in the middle of the play when he started out, and he had been forced to read the whole thing in order to understand what was going on. Of course, Nick just had to point out when he had finished that there was a movie. Anyway, he was reading through Tina's essay and he was perfectly content in what felt like years. Who knew talking to your best friend could do something like that to you?
"Why do you do this to yourself?" Nick asked softly from his side of the room. Kurt spared him a questioning glace before he realized that Nick wasn't talking to him, but was, indeed, talking to the lead in the movie. But that begged the question... why was he doing this to himself? He finished up correcting Tina's essay and sent it back to her with a large sigh.
He sat back in his bed, allowing his head to connect with the wall behind it lightly. He was tired. But he didn't think he could sleep. And it was only six. He hadn't even eaten dinner yet. Usually he would be sitting down in the common room with Blaine talking about some kind of musical or clothing style or just nothing. Usually he would be getting lost in the elder boys eyes. Usually he wouldn't be close to avoiding Blaine like the plague. Usually Kurt wouldn't be cooped up in his room, watching a bad action film with his roommate. Because, even though Nick was a great guy and everything, he would have a different wonderful guy to be spending the night with.
But he was honestly started to enjoy Nick's company. The other boy was sweet and kind and he didn't pry. Which was something he couldn't say about Blaine. And right about now Kurt didn't need anyone to pry. He needed someone to just... distract him. And, speaking of distractions, his phone buzzed lightly in his hand.
"Who's that?" Nick asked with a smirk in Kurt's direction. He knew that his roommate had heard pretty much his whole, loud, conversation with Mercedes, and actually wanted to meet the girl but Kurt wasn't going to give into the inevitable teasing that was likely to come if he said it was someone like his father. But it turned out that he didn't have to worry. Well he didn't have to worry about the teasing.
"Sam." He said, confused as he pressed the 'open' button on his inbox.
"Saaaam?" Nick drew out with both his eye brows rising suggestively.
"Oh watch your movie Nick." Kurt rolled his eyes at his roommate. Guess he wasn't getting out of the teasing tonight. Hiya Kurt! Howz it goin'
His bad grammar was horrible, and Kurt found himself having to hold in a cringe. He had to remind himself that the blonde boy was dyslexic and that killing him over his grammar wasn't exactly nice. He sighed and tapped out an answer. Hi, Sam. It's going fine, I guess. You? His thumb hovered over the send button and his found his lip being pulled in between his teeth. Why are you texting me anyway? He added to the end quickly. Which was something he really wanted to know.
Him and Sam hadn't exactly talked since the whole duets fiasco and he couldn't figure out a reason for the quarter back to want to talk to him. It wasn't as though Sam was one of those judgmental jocks or anything, Kurt was pretty sure Sam was nothing like Azimio or even Puck for that matter, but him and Sam hadn't really clicked after Sam started dating Quinn. It was almost as though the blonde boy had become someone that he wasn't. And that... was almost as terrifying as the thought of Kurt turning into an emotionless Dalton Boy to just enrich the plot that was his horrid life.
Juts wanted to tlk. U srue ur okya? Mercedes said u wer sda :(
The answer surprised him more than he would say. And so did the atrocious spelling. This... was just horrible. Yes I'm sure I'm okay. I'm actually watching some sort of movie with lots of things blowing up with my roommate. I'm not wallowing in self pity anymore. :) Thanks for caring though. And you never answered me. How are you?
Yeah it was long and horribly correct in spelling and Kurt was pretty sure he was the only teenager in all of the USA that actually texted the way that they wrote but he didn't get a full key board on his phone just for him to abuse the fact that it was there by ignoring it.
Sounds fnu. :) i'm fnie. Horrilby borde. Eveyroen msises u.
And if Kurt had a foolish smile on his face when he read that and Nick was still teasing him the week after Kurt wouldn't bother telling anyone why.
"She was unstoppable, moved fast as an avalanche, but now she's stuck deep in some man, wishing that they never ever met..."
Kurt found himself sitting next to Blaine in the common room a few days later. The boy said that needed some more help in French, and Kurt was still a sucker for Blaine's dazzling smile and deep brown eyes so he found himself volunteering up his services once again. It was horrible. He was hating and loving every second of it. And it wasn't as though it was Blaine's fault. Kurt was the idiot who fell in love too easily. Next thing he knew he'd be proclaiming his love for Karofsky of all people. "I can't do this anymore." Blaine said tightly with a yawn as he thew himself into the back of his chair.
Kurt's heart sped up just a little bit at those words and his paused mid sentence, his pencil digging int the page before him. "I-"
"No... I'm breaking up with French." The elder boy sent him a teasing sideways look. A smirk was pulling at his lips. Kurt let out a breath he hadn't even realized he had been holding.
"Well that's not very nice." He was getting better at hiding his grief, he realizing with a start. Either that or Blaine was getting worse at reading him. Neither of these thoughts were all that comforting to him.
Blaine let out a short laugh and Kurt's heart jumped over a few beats. "Me and French don't get along very well."
"French and I." Kurt corrected automatically, sighing when the elder teen let out another boisterous laugh, his eyes sparkling in happiness.
"Seriously, you must be, like, my French angel."
Kurt didn't offer him an answer besides a tight smile. He didn't put any effort in hiding the pain behind it. "What's wrong?" Blaine's concerned voice was back, and he was sitting forward in his chair again so that he could search Kurt's face for some sort of... something.
"Nothing's wrong." Kurt said shortly, facing his paper again. A sigh pulled itself passed his lips before his teeth pulled on the bottom.
"You're a horrible liar." Blaine said just as shortly, moving out of his chair so that he was sitting besides Kurt on the couch. Kurt hid his flinch as the boy's hand covered his own. "What's wrong?" He asked softer, mindful of all the other people in the room. Kurt didn't spare him an answer, his heart doing back flips at the simple touch. His eyes stung stubbornly. "Still homesick?"
Kurt looked him in the eye this time. His heart broke even more at the amount of concern that was shining there. He couldn't do this. He... he really couldn't do this anymore. He ripped his hand out from under Blaine's. "I got to go."
"Kurt-"
"I really have to go." The younger boy grabbed his books and all but ran out of the room. He cursed the tear that pulled itself down his cheek. Hope ur dyas betetr than mnie. His eyes watered even more at the simple text.
I don't think anyone's could be worse than mine. He sent back tentatively. He wiped his hand across his eyes, scowling at the familiar wetness that came up on the back of his hand.
Dont be so srue. Quinn just brkoe up w/ me.
Kurt winced in sympathy for the blonde boy. That did make his day seem sort of mediocre. Okay, yours was worse.
Whys urs so bda? The answer came quicker than he expected and Kurt found his fingers pausing over the keyboard. What should he do? Should he tell Sam Evans, a boy that he had only just started to actually talk to, all of the issues he had problems even telling Mercedes?
Heartbreak. He settled on the simplest answer he could to that loaded question.
Gottcha. Bene there. It gtes betetr.
Kurt actually found himself smiling and straightening up from his scrunched down form in the hallway. Maybe things would get better.
"Did I ask too much? More than a lot, you gave me nothing, now it's all I got..."
He was home. Yes, Kurt Hummel was back in Lima, Ohio. Back in his house with his father. It was a good feeling. One that he really wasn't expecting. He smiled at his bedroom, throwing himself onto his bed with a contented smile. He missed it here. He missed it here more than he would have cared to admit when he wasn't here. "I'm going to go pick up Finn, okay kiddo?" Burt asked with anxiousness. He wasn't stupid. He noticed the way his boy looked as though all hell had run him down. He was exhausted. And he didn't seem all to happy at that school either.
"Can I come?" Kurt sat up from his bed almost as though he was a hyped up puppy on acid or something. Burt wasn't sure how to react but he found his head nodding along anyway. He didn't want to leave his kid alone this soon anyway.
"No extravagant reunions though, Kurt. Carole's going to be home soon and I got to go back into the shop for a bit." Kurt just sent him a wide and happy smile before shuffling off his bed, untying that god awful tie and throwing off his horrible blazer and swiftly changing into a pair of fashionably sensible jeans. He grabbed a light blue tie instead of the one he had been wearing and fixed his hair, jumping as his father yelled at him to hurry up, grabbing his phone from the nightstand and running upstairs.
The ride to McKinley was tense. Burt kept sending his son countless questioning glances when he didn't rant about something that him and that Blaine kid did at Dalton for the past two weeks and instead chose to stay silent and hum along to whatever was on the radio. He wasn't an idiot. By no accounts was Burt an idiot. He new his kid better than the back of his hand. And he knew that he was hurting. What he didn't know was what to do about his kid hurting like he was. Usually he'd do something simple, like let his kid watch Sound of Music all night long, let Mercedes and Tina sleepover for a "girls night", or give him some money to waste on clothes or redecorate. In the most desperate times he'd let Kurt camp out in his room with his mother's drawers open while he slept on the couch. But... this time it seemed as though his kid didn't want him to help. "How's school, kiddo?" And when he saw Kurt tense up a little bit he pretended not to notice.
"Oh... It's fine. Just as hard as usual, but that's what I get for going to a private school, right?" There was that awkward "I'm fine" laugh that Kurt always let out when he wasn't "fine".
Burt grunted a little, pulling the wheel to the left as they pulled into the school's parking lot. "How about that Blaine kid?"
The car was absolutely silent, minus the sound from the radio. That's it, Burt thought. He mentally prepared himself for the boyfriend talk and opened his mouth to begin just as Kurt let out what sounded like a half sob, half laugh. "He's fine, dad." He looked at Kurt out of the corner of his eye. His kid looked so... not like his kid. He was hunched forward in his seat, his eyes were sparkling (and not in the way Burt liked them to sparkle) and his right hand was digging into his left arm. "He's... he has a boyfriend now."
"Oh." He got it now. "And... uh... are you-"
"Can we not talk about this now?" Kurt said softly and defiantly as he shoved open his car door. "I'm going to go get Finn."
"Kurt-"
"No extravagant reunions. I got it dad." Kurt rolled his eyes as though everything was okay. Which it definitely wasn't, and Kurt hated that his father knew so much about him so that he could see it. Very clearly.
"Listen, Kurt. What else is going on with you?"
Kurt paused, leaning half way out of the car, his hand gripping the handle tightly as his eyes shut and a crystalline tear slid down his smooth cheek. He swallowed, his grip loosening. "I love him... And I thought he liked me."
Burt's heart broke for his kid. Oh sweet Jesus, he had never wanted to have this conversation with his kid again. Once after Finn was worse enough. And, even then, he hadn't had this conversation with Kurt. Mercedes had healed him up quite nicely and then sent him on his way. "Kurt..." His hand touched his kid's shoulder, and he pulled him back in the car, the door closing on Kurt's way back in. "It's okay kiddo." He said softly. And that broke the dam.
Kurt was outright sobbing now. His face was scrunched up and red and it must be painful to be crying that hard because he wasn't making any noise minus the deep and harsh breaths that came every few seconds. Burt pulled him into his shoulder, making sure that his face fit into the space that seemed to have been designed for his son's use only. Kurt held his ribs tightly with one arm, the other closing around his mouth as though it could hold in more frantic sobs. "Why can't I be happy? Who have I pissed off that much...?" And a sob broke through his question. Burt wanted to know why too. His kid deserved to be happy more than Finn did. More than he did. More than anyone in the world did. Maybe that was just his parental intentions speaking, but Burt was pretty sure that he was right.
He saw Finn paused outside the car, looking shocked and confused. He shook his head lightly at the boy, nodding at him to enter slowly and softly. This wasn't exactly Finn's strong point, but he did so, and Burt felt Kurt tense for all of a second before his kid threw caution to the wind and cried even harder into his father's stiff and strong shoulder.
"When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad. Till you're trying to find the you that you once had. I have heard myself cry, never again. Broken down in agony just trying to find a fit..."
Dalton was turning out to feel like hell. While he was terrified at McKinley, he was miserable at Dalton. He didn't feel like himself. He swore he hadn't meant to fit into the mold, but it seemed as though he had. Unintentionally, of course, but it had happened. He had fit into the horrible mold that was a Dalton Boy. He was quiet, respectable, polite, and didn't speak unless spoken to. He learned all of that when he had gone home that weekend and Finn pointed out that he was different. "This isn't you man." His step-brother had said with a worried edge to his voice. "I don't recognize you anymore."
At first Kurt had been pissed at the taller boy. Just who did he think he was, telling Kurt that he was unrecognizable? But he found himself unable to say anything to the tall boy and... yeah. He was different. And that was terrifying in a way that even Sue Sylvester and Dave Karofsky could not instill. And... that was why he found himself staring into the mirror in his bedroom, looking himself dead straight in the eye and trying to find himself. It wasn't working very well and he was missing his first period class.
But there was this fear. This unrelenting fear that was yelling at Kurt to WAKE UP because Kurt was lost somewhere in... in this new Kurt. "Kurt...? Hey are you okay?" He cursed the voice that broke through his thoughts. Of course. Of course, Blaine Anderson had to come knocking on his bathroom door as though he was worried about him. But was he worried about him, or about New Kurt?
He didn't bother answering. Why should he? He didn't even know who Kurt was anymore. "Kurt?"
Go away, he wanted to scream at the door. Go away. Go away. GO AWAY. But that would be rude. And New Kurt wasn't at all rude. He didn't say amazing one liners that made everyone either laugh or stop in their tracks due to their sheer brilliance. He didn't sing his heart out to heartbreaking ballads. He didn't make a fuss out of lost solos and he didn't freak out over hair and clothes nearly as much as Original Kurt had. "Kurt? Seriously... open the door." All New Kurt did was fit into the mold and cry over a broken heart.
So he didn't open the door as a fresh wave of tears pulled themselves down his pale cheeks. He didn't open the door, and yet the door opened. He must have forgotten to lock it. "Kurt...?" Blaine looked worried now. More worried than Kurt had ever seen him. "Come on, Kurt what's wrong?" And desperate. Did Kurt mention that Blaine looked horribly desperate?
"I love you." And the words where there. Out in the open and horrifying and Kurt hated himself all the more when Blaine's face collapsed a little.
"Oh Kurt-"
"I love you and I hate that I love you and I don't want to love you but I do. And it hurts. And I am so stupid to fall into this again. And I've tried not to. I really really have. But I'm sick of hurting and I'm sick of all of this crying and I just want it to-to go away." He cried even harder when he felt a hand on his arm, pulling him away from the sink.
Blaine looked horribly sad. He looked horribly sorry as he hugged Kurt tightly and he looked as though he was trying not to cry himself. "I am so sorry-"
"What do you have to feel sorry for?" Kurt hiccuped, his breath coming in fast, sharp and uneven gasps. "You were... being you and I was being stupid and... It just hurts so much."
And there it was. It was out in the open and Kurt was still crying. "I am so, so sorry-"
"Please go. Please, please, please just go."
And he did.
Hows it gogin there?
Kurt just cried harder.
"No I can't take one more step towards you, 'cuz all that's waiting is regret..."
Friday night finds Kurt curled up on his bed at nine thirty at night staring at the wall in complete silence. Nick was out with his family, and Kurt wasn't ready to go anywhere besides the comfort of the uncomfortable Dalton bed that had been deemed his. He was thinking long and hard. About what no one would have bothered to ask, because when Kurt Hummel had that look of absolute concentration on his face you never asked. You just let it happen.
But, anyway, what was pouring through his mind had very little to do with school work and more to do with school in general. Dalton or McKinley.
He usually found himself inclined to write lists about these sort of things. This time he was simply laying in bed, staring at his wall, trying to figure out which one was the best decision. McKinley had bullies, and fear, and hate, and everything that Kurt didn't want. But it also had friends. It had Mercedes, and Tina, and Rachel, and Finn, and Quinn, and Brittany, and Sam. It had drama and music and freedom. And what did Dalton have? A zero-tolerance no bullying policy that Kurt was enjoying more than he would probably EVER admit. And it had the Warblers (which had nothing on New Directions) and Nick, and Blaine, who shouldn't be much of a factor anymore. But damn it Kurt was still in love with him. And that sucked more than he would care to admit.
So, Dalton didn't have much besides a zero-tolerance bullying policy and a blatantly obvious lack of locker shoves, slushie facials, and dumpster tosses. The fact that he was terrified to go back to all of that was what was keeping him at the all-boys school. He heaved a great sigh and rolled onto his back. He hadn't left the dorm for anything besides classes in a few days and he should probably be getting ready for the Warblers meeting tonight because damn Wes if he was anything but strict. Sometimes Kurt could have sworn that the elder teen was sterner than Sue Sylvester on a good day, but even that was going too far.
Which then led to another train of thought. Miss Sylvester had told Kurt that she would be someone to support in when he went into the halls. She had promised him that she would try and keep Kurt safe. And Mr. Schue had said the same thing. And all of McKinley High's New Directions had jumped onto the train of thought of forming a perimeter to keep him safe from Karofsky. Who would do anything like that for him here?
None of the teachers really liked him, and the only friends he really had were Nick and, dare he say it, Blaine. He didn't doubt that the older boy would try to protect him if need be, Kurt would just rather if he didn't. He would, honestly, rather if he didn't do anything to help him unless he asked for it.
And that brought him back to Blaine. Which really really sucked because Kurt was sick of going back to Blaine with every single train of thought. He hugged his folder of sheet music closer to his chest in an attempt to stop himself from crying again and, instead, hoped almost to the point of praying that Blaine wouldn't look at him or bother to talk to him at all today. This was going to be a long meeting, Kurt realized with a start as he pushed open the doors that lead to their usual bland rehearsal room. "Thanks for finally joining us." Wes said shortly and Kurt flushed. He hadn't realized how late it was, and he had rushed just as much as he could get away with when he noticed that he was about to be late to the practice.
But there was that underlying sense that he didn't belong here as he apologized softly to the council members and took a seat next to Nick and Leroy. He ignored the agonizing look he knew Blaine was sending him from across the room and, instead, focused on staring down at his sheet music. Marry You stared up at him in an almost mocking manner and Kurt blinked at how clear it had suddenly got. He looked around at the boys in the room with him. They would never have done something so... out there for him and his family. They never would have done the wedding free of charge. They never would have joined Finn as he did a spectacular version of Just The Way You Are. They wouldn't have been there for him when his father had a heart attack. They wouldn't have noticed that the bullying with Karofsky had gotten worse. They wouldn't have dressed up and preformed Bad Romance with him. They wouldn't... they would never be a family.
The shocking clarity was enough to ground him and he remained seated as all the other Warblers stood from their seats. "Kurt?" Nick prompted gently but the boy didn't look at him. He chose to instead talk to the wall.
"I quit." Everyone in the room stilled to silence as Nick yelped out a very loud 'what?'.
Kurt didn't look at anyone as he repeated himself. "I quit." It was louder this time, more sure, and he was pretty sure everyone was shocked into absolute silence.
"Kurt..." He didn't listen to the voice that could very easily stop him from quitting. And the voice knew that when Kurt said that he quit, that he wasn't just talking about the Warblers. He was quitting Dalton. He was leaving and he was never coming back.
Say it. Kurt pressed Blaine with his eyes. All he had to do was say it and Kurt would stay. He wouldn't leave. He'd laugh it off and stay. But he wouldn't. Finn would have been able to tell that it was insane to think that he would. Blaine thought of him as a friend, nothing more, nothing less. So Kurt gathered up his sheet music that must have dropped to the floor sometime in between saying that he quit the first and the second time, and he left the Warblers Hall with a feeling that he was leaving some part of himself behind. Or maybe he was gaining it. Kurt wasn't sure of much anymore.
"You walk outside and all you see is rain. You look inside and all you feel is pain, and you can't see it now. But down the road the sun is shining, in every cloud there's a silver lining, just keep holding on."
Going back to McKinley was hard to keep a secret from Finn, especially after the rather explosive argument that ensued when he told his father of his intentions. Carole had been silent throughout the whole thing, observing until she could find an area to input her own argument. But she never got the chance. Kurt had won when he countered Burt's argument that he wasn't safe at McKinley by saying that he may not be physically safe, but he wasn't emotionally safe at Dalton. And Burt got that. After his little break down in the McKinley parking lot, Kurt was pretty sure everyone knew that.
Why was he keeping it a secret, exactly? Well Kurt wasn't even sure himself. He just knew that he was. For some reason he felt that it would be best to surprise his brother and friends (family). He hated how he ignored Blaine's constant texting and the pit in his stomach when he got one saying "courage" and another asking him why he hadn't even said goodbye. It was harder for him that it was for Blaine, he tried to tell himself. It was much harder for him than it would ever be for Blaine because Blaine wasn't in love with him.
Therefore, Kurt found himself waking up earlier than he had in a long time to pick out his clothes for the day, and making sure that he knew exactly what he was doing. He had about ten minutes to change his mind, and tell his father that he would go back to Dalton. He was about halfway to saying so, too. Until he felt the insistent vibrating of his phone that alerted him that he should probably leave before Finn woke up ten minutes before he left. It would be suspicious, yes, but Kurt was pretty sure Finn wasn't really awake first thing in the morning to think anything more than "food".
He sat in his car for a long time, contemplating actually leaving it. He could just pull out, turn around, and go home. It wouldn't be that hard. His keys were still in the ignition. All he had to do was put his Navigator in drive and pull out of the parking spot and leave... He closed his eyes tightly, thinking of all the reasons he was coming back to McKinley and pulled his keys out of the ignition with a shaking hand. He pushed his door open, and his eyes immediately sought the forms of the familiar red and white Letterman jackets. He felt his heart seize in a familiar sense of fear and, oh dear Gaga he should have let Blaine talk him out of coming back because he really was insane.
"Oh my God!" The scream tore through a very familiar voice and Kurt found himself almost tackled by a flying form of Rachel Berry. "Oh my dear God!" His fear almost dissipated, and his wide blue eyes sparkled at the sight of Rachel Berry's familiar way of dressing like a horribly slutty grandmother. And, oh Gaga, was he seriously close to crying over the thought of Rachel Berry? He was more screwed up than he thought. "You're back? You're really back!"
He was smiling despite himself as he hugged the smaller (and female) version of himself closer. "Yeah." He whispered joyfully. How the hell someone could whisper joyfully was beyond him, but he was doing it.
"Well come on!" She pulled tightly out of their embrace and dragged him away from his car and into the school. Dave Karofsky stared at him from across the parking lot, a shocked look painted in the eyes that had haunted him for a long time. But, for some reason, Kurt couldn't let that small pierce of never ending fear stop him from laughing along with Rachel as she pulled him over to the choir room. He was home.
"This pair of wings worn and rusted, like a carnival ride in the rain. They can carry me swear to be, sturdy and strong but see, turning them on still causes me pain."
He had been back at McKinley for over a week now, and the Glee Club's "secret service" treatment was starting to pay off. And get a bit on his nerves. But he wasn't going to complain. Some of the fear he got whenever he looked at anyone in a Letterman jacket was starting to disappear due to his friend's constant presence.
Mercedes was amazing as usual, and after his rather tearful reuniting with her and an even more tearful explanation on why he was back, the two of them had fallen back into their everyday routine.
Tina seemed even more beautiful when he saw her now. She had this air of confidence that she didn't have before she started dating Mike. She was still the kind person that he could go to when he wanted silent comfort, though.
Quinn was more welcoming than usual. But things were awkward between the two of them now, for some reason.
Rachel was turning into one of his best friends. The two of them would find themselves talking in between classes and genuinely enjoying the time they spent together.
Santana was... well she was Santana. She had said some snappy comment to him when she first saw him, but there was this sparkle in her eye that said that she was happy he was back.
Brittany took to clinging to him whenever she saw him (that she wasn't already clinging to Artie). And she really didn't change.
Artie was still his best male friend (he wasn't sure if Blaine counted) out of Glee Club. And he was one of the few guys that actually gave him a hug as a welcome back.
Puck was Puck. The two of them had come to some sort of agreement somewhere between when Puck joined Glee and Kurt had transferred and, somehow, that made Kurt one of Puck's "boys".
Mike was wonderfully accepting in his almost silent ways. He was almost like Artie now. Only... more of a dancer. And more Asian.
Finn was his brother, Kurt wasn't sure what he expected there. He had seem Finn every weekend. If he didn't get the "welcome home" hug treatment every weekend Kurt was pretty sure Finn was sick.
And then there was Sam. The two of them had randomly started talking that one day, and everything sort of flowed from there. But the two of them hadn't really seen each other since the Championship Game, and even then it was just a small nod in one another direction. Now... well now Sam hugged Kurt in welcome and they talked. They actually talked about things that weren't Glee Club or sports or musicals. It was refreshing.
So, the "Secret Service" treatment was getting old. But maybe it was a good old. Because Kurt still flinched every time a locker slammed, and he still felt like he was in a horror movie half the time and if Karofsky looked at him one more time Kurt was pretty sure he was going to resort to carrying around a rape whistle like Rachel did. It was thrilling. But a sort of good thrilling because Kurt was back with his family. And he was back to wearing fabulous clothes. And he was back to... well he was back to Kurt.
But, according to his friends, he wasn't 100% there yet. Kurt had yet to really fight for a solo. He had toned down what he wore to things that were more acceptable. He didn't have many snazzy one liners up his sleeve that he used. He didn't criticize what everyone else wore. He didn't act like Kurt half the time. He still acted like New Kurt. And, for some reason, that seemed to make people angry with him. Well, everyone besides Sam. Who, supposedly, "got it". And, Kurt supposed that he did. Because Sam had thrust himself into this image of the popular kid in order to get Quinn and keep his reputation. It had gotten so bad that no one knew who Sam Evans was anymore, not even Sam Evans.
Blaine told him to take his time. It was going to take a lot of time before Kurt felt comfortable at McKinley again. And, yes, he was still talking to Blaine because, even if Kurt was sick of falling in love with people like him (and yes he was still in love with him), Blaine cared. And he gave him advice and he listened. Mercedes was his best friend and she was amazing in every way, but she didn't really... get it. She didn't understand the painful transition out of New Kurt and into Original Kurt. She tried, but she was one of those people that got angry at him when he let a bad comment slide without any retaliation.
But, honestly, Sam was great. The guy was turning into his anchor. He walked down the halls with him, he let him talk about fashion, and he let Kurt ask him simple questions that he should know the answer to (Like "why do they care?" and "how does the heartbreak get better?" because, in reality, Kurt had never really gotten over Finn.).
"They say its hard to meet your mach, gotta find my better half, so we make perfect shapes. The stars don't align, if it doesn't stop time, if you can't see the sign, wait for it. One hundred percent with every penny spent, he'll be the one that finishes your sentences."
Kurt didn't know what to do with himself when he had no homework. Literally. Due to Dalton's immense workload Kurt barely ever had a time where he didn't have homework. Now that he had nothing to do Kurt didn't know what to do with himself. He was pacing up and down his room, he had rearranged his closet three times, he had reorganized his desk five times, and he was this close to going downstairs and baking for no apparent reason other than to bake and have something to do. But his father wouldn't approve of that (the last time Kurt had gone on a stress baking spree it was before Sectionals and they had left overs for days, no matter how much Kurt pawned off on private school boys). So Kurt resigned himself to falling onto his bed and sighing in bored anguish.
His phone suddenly vibrated and fell off his stomach and onto the bed. He blinked owlishly, trying to figure out when, exactly, he had fallen asleep. Boerd?
He did not read that and smile. No way did he read that and get a dopey smile on his face. Beyond bored. I'm miserable because I have nothing to do.
He leaned back against his bed with an even more suffering sigh because Kurt knew that feeling. He knew that creeping thing that was crawling up his stomach and pushing him to smile whenever he read the familiar name on his phone's screen. And Kurt refused to let that happen again. He was sick of falling for people who couldn't (or wouldn't) return the sentiment. Aww. U colud cmoe oevr!
Sam... read what you type out before sending it. He answered after a rather crippling ten minutes full of him attempting to make sense of whatever the blonde boy had said. And I would, but someone has to be here to make sure Finn doesn't burn the house down.
It was a lie. But Sam didn't need to know that. Kurt honestly wanted to see the blonde boy (he was slowly edging his way into Kurt's very small "favorite people" list), but he knew what would happen if he did. And Kurt was sick of falling in love. If he kept allowing it to happen the pain that he felt with Blaine would only be amplified by around ten thousand. Sorry! I could cmoe over there!
And... yeah Kurt noticed that most of the words were spelled right. And he also noticed that Sam probably not going to give up until he agreed to let him come over. He briefly contemplated texting Blaine for advice, but then he remembered that Blaine was on a date with that GAP guy and his heart reminded him of the very obvious pain it was still in due to him. Don't you have homework?
The sigh he felt creeping through his body was one of resignation. Kurt knew he would give in if Sam pushed just a bit more. He didn't want to give in, but he knew himself (he believed he could say that now that most of New Kurt had been stifled), and he knew that he was a pushover when it came to cute guys (or anyone really, but he wasn't about to agree with half of that statement). I was hpoign u would help me with that. And smoetihng else too. Please.
And that got him. That right there. Because Kurt would always try to help people. Damn him. Damn him. And damn Sam for being such a great guy. And damn himself for being such a pushover. Fine.
He hoped he hadn't upset Sam, but he had thought of a few heartbreaking thoughts that this was exactly what he had done to Blaine when he needed help. Well... Kurt did more skirting around the topic rather than outright saying it but... damn it all he was really really tired of all of this shit.
"Kurt!" He squealed in shock. When. The. Hell. Did. Sam. Get. There? He looked at the blonde with wide blue eyes, blinking up at him in complete shock. And the other boy had the audacity to be laughing. Asshole. "You were sleeping. Finn let me in. And showed me to your room. And then left to go hang out with Quinn."
Oh yeah... they were kind of, sort of, dating now. Kurt would never understand his step-brother. But he didn't bother saying anything, instead choosing to glare openly at Sam, as if daring him to keep on laughing. "Well excuse me for being tired." He said, sitting up with a huff.
Sam just smiled at him, his white teeth shinning almost perfectly. "You looked adorable." Ah, there it was. That traitorous feeling in his stomach that symbolized butterflies. Sometimes Kurt really hated life.
"Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel, like you're less then, fuckin' perfect. Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel, like you're nothing, you're fuckin' perfect, to me."
He was bisexual. Honestly... Kurt didn't see that one coming. He, also, didn't see his absolute manner of freaking out coming but it did. He was pretty sure he had terrified Sam somewhere between "Oh my fucking Gaga you are lying!" and "I am so sick of football players thinking that it's okay to come out to me!" and "At least you didn't kiss me." He totally ignored that small part out of his mind that told him that he would definitely liked it if Sam kissed him. Damn heart.
So... Sam had left the house (after Kurt had calmed down enough for them to actually have a conversation about this new part of Sam Evans) and Finn had come home (looking very disheveled... and... ew. Just ew.) and Kurt had gone back to falling asleep due to boredom. But not before texting Blaine rather miserably asking why all the football players came out to him. He answered "no, that no one had kissed him this time around" and then had shut off his phone, falling asleep rather quickly.
Things between him and Sam weren't suddenly different (why would they be? If anything the two of them had one more thing in common due to Sam's bisexuality.). It was gradually becoming harder for Kurt to NOT fall in love with Sam, though. And, yeah, he was happy because he was finally moving away from his rather crushing heartbreak from an unknowing Blaine but still. This was outrageous. If he fell in love with another guy... Kurt was pretty sure he would have to kill himself. In a total non-serious way. Because Kurt was not suicidal. He was just pissed off.
So... yeah, that was probably why, when Sam did kiss him, Kurt was torn between screaming like a banshee, jumping for joy, and crying. And, on top of it all, Kurt couldn't stop himself from "comparing" Sam's kiss with Karofsky's and Brittany's and... wow did the blonde boy beat them all. Not that Kurt had much to go on (Karofsky had kind of forced himself on him, and Brittany... well she was a girl.). But still, it was the thought that counted.
Anyway, Kurt couldn't explain to anyone why he freaked once he realized what Sam had done. He couldn't explain to anyone why he pushed the blonde off him, and then ran in the opposite direction and crying his eyes out in his car. He ignored the insistent vibrating of his phone against his leg (probably from Mercedes berating him for not being in History) and drove home. He stared at his phone for a while after that (Turned out the phone calls were from Mercedes. And Tina. And Sam. And Blaine.), his finger hovering over Blaine's number. He tried to figure out if he should call him or not, or if he should just let the situation blow over. Kurt decided on the latter, flinging his cell phone across the car and flinging his head into his arms. He just needed to think things through. And get his mind straight.
He snorted. Because that wasn't impossible at all. Kurt was as round as they got.
"Yeah, I'm ready to feel now, no longer am I 'fraid of the fall down. It must be time to move on now, without the fear of how it might end... I guess I'm ready to love again."
When Kurt showed up for school the next day he wasn't expecting Sam to approach him with a heartbreaking smile. In all honesty, Kurt was expecting another Karofsky ("I will kill you if you tell anyone."). Or another Blaine ("I'm so sorry... I never meant to lead you on. But we could still be friends? Because I really, really, really care about you Kurt."). Or another Finn ("I'm not gay, Kurt. Why can't you just accept that?"). He wasn't expecting a small smile and an apology for "pushing too fast" and a hug.
His heart tugged as his face split into a wide smile. Maybe this could be different.
A: N- First and foremost I'm a Klaine fan, but I'm pretty sure I could deal with Skurt. And... well this story was my way of showing that I guess. I'm not happy with this ending at all, but all my inspiration is gone. :(