Married with Children episode: Bundy's Last Stand
By, Jonathan Navi
(Jefferson barges into Al's home. Al and Peg are on the couch, Al has his hand down his pants and he's looking into a pair of binoculars toward the TV)
JEFFERSON: (looking terrified) Al, my life is in danger. You gotta help me.
AL: (not looking away from the TV with his binoculars) Jefferson, I am currently watching a pair of life preservers bounce up and down a sandy beach called Baywatch. So unless you've got Pamela Anderson's cup size, I don't want to hear it.
JEFFERSON: (goes to the TV, turns it off) Al, I'm serious. It's my past (he buries his head in his hands), it's coming back to haunt me. (he puts his head up and looks out wistfully) The things I've done. The people I've hurt. I KNEW I wouldn't be able to run away from this forever!
PEG: Wow Jefferson, you really seem scared (looking concerned)…but could you do it somewhere else? Al is watching some big 'uns on TV and (smiling really wide and getting excited) I know that whenever he uses his binoculars, that means he'll want touch these 'uns! (pointing at herself)
AL: (turning to her) Not a chance in hell baby. I haven't touch those uns since they passed their expiration date.
PEG: (whining loudly) Alllllllllll….WHY WONT YOU TOUCH ME?
AL: Well I would Peg, but it'd only be to identify your corpse to the cops.
JEFFERSON: LOOK. When I was…you know….. a spy, (speaking slowly) I made a lot of enemies. I interfered with a lot of governments. Al, (lowering his voice) I killed a lot of people….
AL: (angrily losing his patience) So what are you feeling guilty or something?! I'd say having to sleep with a chicken 4 times a week should be considered punishment enough!
PEG: (looking shocked at Jefferson) 4 times a week? (looking at Al) Al, we haven't even had sex 4 times in our whole marriage.
AL: (losing confidence, but trying to bring it back) Well…well that's because (proudly) when you DO IT GOOD, well baby, then 4 times is enough to last a lifetime.
PEG: Al, we haven't even HAD SEX in our whole marriage. Last time I checked, sex is supposed to last longer than a toilet flush.
AL: Well Peg, at least I look forward to a toilet flush. It comforts me, it soothes me,…it drains away the vomit I heave after we do the deed.
JEFFERSON: Guys, you're not listening to me. Someone has been trying to make an attempt on my life. Here, LOOK!
(Jefferson shows them his man purse, which had a big arrow going through it)
AL: (angry) What happened Jefferson, somebody took a shot at your makeup bag? IT'S PROBABLY JUST A FRENCHMAN WHO THOUGHT YOU WERE SHOWING HIM UP!
JEFFERSON: (agitated) Look Al, you don't believe me? Then just watch this.
(Jefferson goes to the door, opens it, and sticks out his man purse outside the door)
(WHACK)
(Jefferson pulls back his man purse now with a tomahawk in it. He closes the door.)
PEG: (whining) Alllllll, somebody REALLY is after Jeffersonnnnn. What are you going to do about it?
AL: (happily) Well I'll tell you what I'll do about it. Peg come here. (he starts pulling Peg up)
PEG: (confused and ditzy) What is it Al? (he is pulling her to where Jefferson is standing)
AL: Jefferson. Pull her hair back.
JEFFERSON: (confused, going along with it) Like this? (he pulls her hair back)
(Al goes into the closet and pulls out a mask that has a picture of Jefferson's face. He puts the mask over Peg's head.)
(DING-DONG, the doorbell rings)
JEFFERSON: (panicking) Oh no! They're gonna try to take me out!
(Al takes off the Jefferson mask from Peg's head and puts it back in the closet)
AL: Here (pulling Jefferson toward the basement door). Stay down in the basement. I've got 20 copies of Big 'Uns down there. Should keep you occupied for…'bout 20 minutes or so.
JEFFERSON: (touched so much by Al's friendship) Thanks Al. Boy…..it is great to have a friend like you. (Jefferson hugs Al)
AL: (Al laughs) Good luck buddy.
(Al pushes Jefferson down the basement door)
JEFFERSON: AHHH! (Jefferson collapses hard tumbling down the stairs)
(Peg opens the front door and Bud and Kelly walk in)
BUD: You guys know that there's a bunch of Native Americans out there with tomahawks and wardrums right?
KELLY: Yeah they look like they haven't seen another person in years. Boy will they be mad when they find out the White man took all their land….
PEG: Kids, those Indians are after Jefferson! He's downstairs in the basement right now!
KELLY: Oh really? (with a dumb look on her face) Maybe I should go outside and tell them he's down here right? (turning around to go to the door)
AL: (stops her) Pumpkin…..Pumpkin. Just sit down on the coach and…(trying to think of something) recite your ABC's. (walking her over to the couch)
KELLY: (confused) Well…ok…(nervously)…A…..B…..(confused with a pained look)….D….(looking guilty)
AL: (looking at Peg) Really Peg? You know I'm beginning to think those DDT Vitamins you used to spray in their mouths weren't really vitamins!
PEG: (shooing him) Al. We've got bigger problems to fry.
AL: (bitterly) What would you know about frying.
PEG: Well how do you think I clean your socks? Super heated oil is the only thing strong enough to kill your feet's fungus.
(Al pauses from the insult)
BUD: Look Cosby family, (pause) we've got a bunch of mad Indians out there….and if they're just looking for Mr. Darcy….well then I say we should just hand him over to 'um. Right Kelly? (looking over to Kelly)
KELLY: (bobbling her head up and down trying to think) T…U…..V…..W….(thinking really hard, but can't figure it out)
BUD: (trying to help her) "X" Kel.
AL: (to Bud with bullying glee) Like you'd know anything about that…
(Bud recoils after being insulted)
PEG: Common Al, just give them Jefferson.
AL: No! (walking around maniacally) No, we're not just going to give them Jefferson! Jefferson is our neighbor. Jefferson is our friend!
(DING-DONG, the doorbell rings)
(Al goes to open the door)
(A big burley indian chief with a beige yellow vest, feathers in his hair, and paint on his face can be seen)
AL: (politely) Uh yes, may I help you with something?
INDIAN CHIEF: (sounding big and dumb) Have come for white man name Jefferson.
AL: (politely, enthusiastically) Well sure! Sure! Here, just wait right there and I will get him for you.
(Al pulls Peg into the closet and puts the Jefferson facemask back on Peg's head)
AL: (pulling Peg to the door) Why here is Jefferson right now.
PEG: (panicking) What?!
INDIAN CHIEF: You have done the Chikanocowowa tribe great honor. We give you this sacred headscarf as token of our friendship. Has been passed down from generation to generation always bringing good luck to those who have worn it. Now, we are passing it…to you (bows his head, gives it to him, and then takes Peg away).
(Al shuts the door)
BUD: (terrified) Is mom really….gone?
AL: (showing the kids the headscarf) Hey it really does bring good luck!
(Al kicks the headscarf to Buck the dog)
BUCK: (takes the headscarf) Great. Now I'll probably be wiped out by the white man too.
KELLY: (crying hysterically) WAAAAAAAA. Moooommmmm is gonnaaa be eaten by Indiansssss.
AL: (going down to comfort Kelly on the couch) Now, now Kelly. If there's three things I know it's this- One, Jefferson is very very badly hurt from falling down the stairs.
JEFFERSON: (weakly yelling from the basement) Could someone please call me an ambulance?
AL: Two,…there's no way in HELL that she'll be eaten by those Indians because that would mean that your mother actually FED SOMEONE! (pause) And Three,…..no man….or group of men…or MENS LOCKER ROOMS have ever come out better when they've been visited by your mother.
(DING-DONG, the doorbell rings)
AL: (from the couch, he speaks with a polite sarcastic tone) Who is it?
MARCY'S VOICE: WHO DO YOU THINK!
AL: (with a polite sarcastic tone) I dunno, Rooster Cogburn?
MARCY'S VOICE: AL BUNDY YOU BOTTLE OF PRIMORDIAL OOZE, YOU LET ME IN THIS INSTANT!
(Bud opens the door for her)
(Marcy marches in straight to Al)
MARCY: Where is my precious Jefferson!?
AL: (politely) Oh well….why don't I show you where he is.
(Al gets up, acts very politely, walks to Marcy, and graciously says)
AL: After you of course.
MARCY: (Marcy smiles at him) Well. Ok. I'm glad you've finally decided to respect your intellectual superiors.
(Al walks with her to the basement door. )
AL: (he opens the door) After you.
MARCY: (very pleased, curtseys, smiles, and says) Well thank you. (giggles)
(Al pushes Marcy down the basement door)
MARCY: AHHH! (Marcy collapses hard tumbling down the stairs)
BUD: Dad, how long do you think it'll be until those Indians figure out that they don't have Jefferson?
AL: Bud. I could say forever, but I don't want to jinx myself. So I'll settle for one day after your mother's birthday.
(DING-DONG, the doorbell rings)
AL: (looking up to the heavens) Of course. I couldn't even have this one thing could I God?
(Bud opens up the door and Peg carousels cutely into the house bouncing on her high heels.)
PEG: (whining) Allllllll. We're in big trouble. Those Indians really want Jefferson. And unlike your promises to one day take a shower, they actually mean it.
KELLY: Mom, why do they want Mr. Darcy so badly? What did he ever do to them?
PEG: (sitting down on the couch, all the rest come and surround her) Well they said that Jefferson lead a secret CIA mission 10 years ago that stole all their mining land and gave it to the nearby American village. So they want to get their land back and the man who took it from them.
AL: (outraged) Get their land back! Over my dead body! (gets up from the couch and yells) Family! Come to the kitchen for a traditional Bundy War Meeting!
(They all clamor over to the kitchen table. Bud grabs an army helmet from one of the kitchen drawers and puts it on Al's head. Kelly grabs a machine gun from the refrigerator and straps it around Al's back. Peg grabs a cigar from her pocket and puts it in Al's mouth)
AL: Our mighty forefathers didn't fight the Indians just to see this generation tuck its tails beneath its chicken behinds and give up! No! No, it was our great ancestor JEBEDIAH BUNDY and his countryfolk who took all that land fair and square with…..with heart, guns, and a whole lot of contagious disease! So if these Indians want to go another round, well then I say…LET'S ROCK. (theme rock music plays)
BUD: (whining) Daddddd…if we don't do what they want, they might hurt us.
AL: (looking disgusted) And you call yourself a Bundy. (speaks loudly) A Bundy doesn't care about wimpy things like getting hurt or….. zoning laws. No! A Bundy cares about one thing. (pause for dramatic effect) Kickin Redskin Butt.
(The basement door can be heard loudly opening)
(Jefferson and Marcy come into view wearing bandages over their arms and faces)
JEFFERSON: Al, don't do it! If you go out there, those Native Americans will tear you apart. You're just one man, how are you going to go up against a whole Redskin Army? (sounding very concerned and too injured to fight himself)
AL: (proudly) You forgot one thing Jefferson. This is AMERICA. (pause) And if there's one thing Americans are good at…..its fighting for our country.
PEG: Well it's a good thing they're better at that than pleasing their wives, or else we'd all be speaking German right now.
MARCY: Al, how do you plan on getting people to join your cause. (trying to make a point) You are cooped up in this BIOHAZARD you call a home and have absolutely NO WAY of getting your message out.
(Al walks over to the phone)
AL: (picking up the phone, he says proudly) Just watch me.
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene starts in Al's house where there are now 20 men ranging from 40 years old to 100 years old all dressed up in their respective era's military wardrobe. Some of the elderly men are wearing Civil War confederate soldier uniforms. One 100 year old man had a musket. One senile old man had a slingshot and a stone like Biblical David)
(A Native American woman was in the center of the room next to Al. She was wearing war paint, feather hat, and beige Native American clothing. She was holding a microphone)
NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN: This…(pulling off the Native American costume)...is Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal! And I am in the home of local militia man Al Bundy. (looks to Al) Mr. Bundy, there is an army of Native Americans outside your home right now. What do you plan to do about it?
AL: (in his General military outfit speaking in an antiquated military accent from a 1960's war movie) Well Missus Rodriguez, I'll tell you what I plan on doing about it. I've got behind me some of the finest soldiers this country has ever seen. They've seen battle in VIETNAM (pointing to one guy), KOREA (pointing to another),…and…and PHILLISTINE! (pointing to the guy with a slingshot) Our country TOOK this land fair and square from the Indians so that our children and our CHILDREN'S CHILDREN could have room to roam,….. hunt, ….AND play! (looking to the men, he spoke loudly) Can I get a "Whoa took this land from the Indians"!?
ALL OF THE SOLDIERS: (very lazily and quietly) Whoa….(mumble, mumble)
(The Confederate dressed soldier collapses to the floor from the whiskey he was drinking from his flask)
MIRANDA VERACRUZ: (speaking to the camera) As it turns out, the Chicago city government will not be sending the police OR army to fight off this Native American army because the city mayor accidentally called them "Redskins" and will now be serving a 6 month jail sentence for Racial In-sen-si-tivity. (suddenly she looks angry) This is Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal and I haven't been in between this many smelly old men (now whiney) SINCE I WAS AN INTERN AT CNN! (she indicates to cut the camera feed)
JEFFERSON: Al! This is crazy. I can't let you all go out into battle for my sake. Look, I'll give myself up right now and just end the madness. (he starts heading to the door)
AL: (pulling Jefferson back) No! Jefferson, this isn't about you. This is about something much more than you or me. This is about being an AMERICAN. It's about the god given right to TAKE SOMETHING THAT ISNT YOURS AND DEMAND THAT YOU KEEP IT!
JEFFERSON: Al, there are two HUNDRED Indians out there who are well trained and ready to die for their cause. Look at these guys (looks around at the old soldiers pathetically limping around)…..these guys couldn't stand up to an army of kindergarteners.
AL: (looks around at them) Well that's only because they need a boost in morale! We need to make them feel loved…..you know…..make them realize what they're fighting for.
JEFFERSON: Al, how are you going to do that?
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene starts in the back of the kitchen. Al is talking to Kelly who is hiding in the room behind the kitchen)
KELLY'S VOICE: (can't be seen and sounds irritated) Daddy, why do I have to dress like this?
AL: (losing his patience) Pumpkin, you're serving your country. You're doing the role that god intended for you to do ever since he made me drink that whiskey while on my first date with your mother.
(Kelly comes out wearing a Marilyn Monroe wig and a white Marilyn Monroe dress)
(People hoot and holler)
KELLY: I just feel that I could be doing much more by using my mind instead of my looks. I mean, I could be a great military stratego fist couldn't I?
AL: (faking) The greatest sweetheart. (pause) But for today, I just need you to…(he clears off the booze and nudie magazines from the kitchen table)…get up on this table and sing the song "Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend!"
(Al turns on the nearby old time record player and the song "Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend" plays)
(Al walks over to the other side of the room)
BUD: (looking depressed) Dad, look at all these geezers. Some of them don't even know what year they're in.
OLD SOLDIER: (yells from the couch) ALL HAIL ROBERT E. LEE! (he quickly collapses back to sleep and snores loudly)
AL: (excitedly) Bud, that's only because they need the proper motivation. Quick. (looks around and announces loudly) GENTLEMAN AND LIVING RELICS OF THE PAST! I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE YOUR ATTENTION TO THE KITCHEN WHERE SUPERSTAR AND LIVING AMERICAN ICON MARILYN MONROE HAS COME DOWN ALLLLL THE WAYY FROM HEAVEN TO ENTERTAIN YOU!
ALL THE SOLIDERS: Ahhhhh! (clamoring over each other to surround Kelly on the Kitchen Table Stage)
OLD SOLDIER:: Show us ya knickers!
AL: Now, now gentlemen! Now, now. (looks over to Kelly) Kelly….I mean Marilyn….if you'd please.
KELLY: (looking nervous, she bobbles up and down and starts singing sensually like Marilyn Monroe) Happyyyyyy Birthdayyyyy to youuuuuuu.
ALL THE SOLDIERS: Yeahhh!
KELLY: Happy Birthdayyyyy…..to youuuuuuu.
ALL THE SOLDIERS: Yeahhh!
KELLY: Happppyyyy Birthday Misterrr …(she looks confused)..…Lincolnnnnnnnn
AL: (angrily) NO! Not that song. (pause) The other song!
KELLY: (cutely) Oh, oh, right. (she starts snapping her fingers and sings) Fish don't fry in the kitchennnnnnnnnn, beans don't burn on the grillllllllll-
(Marcy grabs Al by the ear and pulls him painfully away)
MARCY: (angrily) Al Bundy, YOU SWAMP INFESTATION! (pause) How dare you use your only daughter this way!
AL: (seriously) Marcy, what are you talking about? These are some of the finest elderly gentlemen that Chicago has ever seen. No WAY would any of them ever be caught doing anything unseemly.
(They both turn around to the kitchen)
KELLY: (still singing) We've finally got a piece of the piee-iee-ieeeeeee!
OLD SOLDIER: (a very low adorable squeaky innocent voice) Could I have a piece?
(Marcy turns to Al as if proven right)
AL: Well he's hungry is all! Kelly, give the old man some cheese whiz.
(Kelly shakes a can of cheese whiz and sprays it into the tiny old man's mouth.)
(Unfortunately she puts in too much and the man starts gasping for air, holding his throat, and then collapses to the floor)
AL: (shrugs) Well. There ya go. Problem solved.
(Peg comes up from behind Al and pinches him)
AL: Oww!
PEG: Al, I want all these old men out of my house. They smell….and I just get a feeling that they're going to do something awful to Bud. I can't prove it, but I just have a strong motherly instinct. (folds her arms)
BUD'S VOICE: (clearly in pain, coming out weakly) Help me…
(Camera pans out to show Bud being strung up to a crucifix by an old soldier in a medieval uniform from the 8th century)
AL: (angrily) Oh alright! (announces loudly to the men) MEN! THE TIME HAS COME! TO FIGHT FOR YOUR COUNTRYMEN AND…IF YOU HAVE THE TIME…FOR YOUR COUNTRYWOMEN! (loud cheers from the old men) FOR CENTURIES WE AMERICANS HAVE WROTE THE BOOK ON BUTT KICKING. FROM BEATING THE NAZIS! (cheers) TO BEATING THE COMMIES! (cheers) TO BEATING THE FRENCH! (loudest cheers) (with a devilish sneer he says) Nobody tells us to give our land back. (yells) NOW LET'S GO OUT THERE AND KICK SOME INDIAN BUTT!
ALL THE SOLIDERS: Yeah!
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene starts in a hospital emergency room. Peg, Bud, and Kelly are sitting down on hospital chairs)
BUD: Mom, how long did the fight last?
PEG: Well it was actually an all-time record for your father. The longest I've ever seen him go.
KELLY: Wow, really? How long?
PEG: About 15 seconds. (pause) He just kept going for it and going for it…but…..then reality set in.
BUD: Do you ever think they'll be able to get that pickax out of Dad's neck?
PEG: Well they said they could do it, but the procedure would cost about 250 dollars.
BUD: (nervously) So…..you paid right?
PEG: Well I could either do that or I could pay 250 dollars for a Paul Newman statue for the kitchen! Well….
(They all looked inside the hospital room and saw Al with the pickax still in his neck)
PEG: Anyway, don't worry about your father. You know, I am sometimes so impressed with your father's mind….he was just inches away from death, but somehow he found a way to negotiate a peace treaty.
BUD: So the Indians aren't going to come back for Mr. Darcy?
PEG: No. Your father offered them something in return for their lost mining land that made them forget all about it.
BUD: (very curious) What did they get?
PEG: Your father gave them the deed rights to all of Wanker County.
KELLY: (confused) Wait, how does he have that?
PEG: Well it was the only way my dad could convince Al to marry me, by offering him 500 acres of Wanker County.
BUD: (looking pleased) Well I guess it's a happy ending then.
BUD: (looking around for something to do) Kel….. wanna go around taking old people's Jello? (smirking mischievously)
KELLY: (bouncing up and down excited) Do I! (suddenly serious) But I get to eat the yellow flavored jello this time ok?
BUD: Kel…that was petroleum jelly.
KELLY: Yeah, and you're not gonna eat it all this time!
(They both race away)
(Suddenly Marcy and Jefferson come by and they all walk into Al's room and stand near him)
JEFFERSON: Peggy, is Al up for visitors yet?
PEG: (smirking) Al's never been up before.
PEG: But no, he's not up yet.
JEFFERSON: I just feel terrible about what happened. (pacing around depressed) I just wished there was something I could do for Al, something I could do to….to SETTLE THE SCORE for him with those Indians.
PEG: I wouldn't worry about it. (she takes a remote control from the near side table and turns the television on)
(On the television they can see a Hispanic news reporter just outside a desolate dump)
MIRANDA VERACRUZ: This…is Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal! And I am currently just outside the limits of the land that time and sanitation forgot ALSO KNOWN as Wanker County. It appears that the Chikanocowowa Native American tribe recently received the deeds to this land, but were all found dead soon after. Medical experts have concluded that Wanker County was home to around 13 deadly strains of viruses that the world had not seen for 200 years. And because the Chikanocowowa tribe did not have the natural immunity that Wanker County residents have built up for centuries, well they just dropped dead the second they crossed the county limit. (looking frustrated) So it seems that the WHITE MAN has once again wiped out the Indians. (pause) This is Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal saying (COUGH, COUGH!) GET ME A DOCTOR!
MARCY: Hmm….
JEFFERSON: Well I guess I'm in the clear! (laughs)
PEG: Yeah. Guess so.
JEFFERSON: Hey, you know, I wonder what Al is thinking about right now. You think he can hear us?
(Scene shifts to inside Al's mind)
(Al is decked out in full military general garb standing up in front of an army of a 100 soldiers. Two bikini clad babes in pink swimsuits come to either side of him, one had black hair, the other had blonde hair)
BLONDE BABE: (a delicate sensual voice) So General Patton Bundy, what are you gonna do now?
BRUNETTE BABE: (a stronger sexy voice) Yeah General Bundy, what are you gonna do WITH US?! (excited)
AL: (confidently, smiling) I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna plant an American flag here (puts a miniature American flag in the blonde's bikini top) and here (puts a miniature American flag in the brunette's bikini top).
AL: (confidently looks straight into the camera) Boy is it great to be an AMERICAN. (nods his head up and down while the two babes look at him longingly and his soldiers face him respectfully)
(EPISODE ENDS)