Notes: Unnecessarily long Goemon/Jigen fic. I was thinking about writing a 'second part' to this which would be, basically, the same story but told through Jigen's PoV, but I was like "SCREW THIS!"
So, you are only getting Goemon's side of the story. Never wrote anything from his PoV and, to be honest, did little to no fics involving him, so, if his characterization sucks, well, you know why.
Overdrive
That couldn't go on like that. I couldn't continue to feed those thoughts, but they seemed to emerge every now and then, always stronger. Ever since I met that man and we had that duel...
When I began my training, I vowed to keep my mind void of impure thoughts and feelings of affection towards others, but it seemed like the universe was conspiring against me, since I broke not only one, but both promises.
I couldn't really focus on my training. All I could think of was how those lips tasted like, how hot was that body, how those hands would feel against my skin... I wondered about things I've never even imagined that could pass by my mind. That was the power that man had over me, without him even knowing. And staying away from him wasn't helping a bit. In fact, that just seemed to give those thoughts even more fuel.
It had been more than two months since I met with Lupin for the last time. That wasn't because I didn't know where he was hiding. I did know that because Lupin was sure to send me a letter telling me that he wasn't at that rundown shack where he used to hide. A letter that I couldn't help but shrug at. Did Lupin really think that I couldn't track him down easily?
I could. Mainly because, despite all, Lupin still was my rival. I still had a wish on the back of my mind that kept telling me to finish off that petty thief at any given opportunity, even though I really didn't feel like it. And if there is something that I can track down, that something is anyone I had vowed to kill.
But also... There was that man. Jigen Daisuke.
I knew there was something different about him the first time I laid eyes on him. Something different from what I was used to. When we met, I was, for the first time in my life, genuinely impressed. Fascinated even.
Sure, sword fighting is a lot different from dealing with guns, but by watching him, I realized that we were both passionate about what we did, and I couldn't help but admire him. Someone like myself that pretty much devoted his whole life to be the best at what he did.
But, to my misfortune, that admiration ended up progressing to something far beyond my control. Something that both my mind and body craved for, and I couldn't be more upset about that. I could go and put an end to that with a single swing of my precious Zantetsuken, but I would never forgive myself if I ever had to kill such a talented man. That would be unacceptable.
It always seemed like I was walking in circles around that matter, because it looked like the only solution to that was to give in and let my thoughts take total control of my actions. Although, if I really were to do that, I could say 'bye bye' to the samurai path, and that was something I couldn't bare losing to such trivial desires.
It was 8 o'clock and, as I thought about my misfortune while sitting on the floor, I could hear thunders crackling outside and a cold wind blow. Soon enough, a heavy rain began to fall.
Maybe, just maybe, if I train under the rain I can concentrate better. I thought to myself, getting up and stretching my arms. I opened the sliding door that lead to the backyard. The rain was a lot stronger than I thought it was, but the harder the challenge, the more I could focus on my training instead of other things.
I closed my eyes, waiting for the right time to start. Tightly gripping my sword's handle, I set off in the blink of an eye, heading to the woods behind my house. Once I reached them, I began to cut everything that was in my path. Trees, flowers, rocks, branches... It was really hard to walk fast with my shoes getting stuck in the mud all the time, but that seemed to help me concentrate. Finally, I was going back to that state of trance I went into whenever I had to train or meditate.
The rain was still pouring when I reached the other side of the woods and was faced with the nearby highway. But I didn't feel like stopping. Not after getting my focus back. I needed more stimulation.
So I ran by the side of the highway, occasionally cutting the tires from the cars that passed me by. Then into the city and out of it, but not without leaving my mark on poles, hydrants, parked cars... Even on the pavement itself. There were probably policeman already looking for me almost as soon as I entered the town, but I didn't really care.
When I got out of the city, I slowed down a little, but I was still running. That sudden adrenaline rush had tired me a lot faster than normal. The rain had stopped but my clothes were still pretty soaked, and I was feeling quite cold.
Then, as I ran down the highway, I took a turn at a dirt road that seemed to lead to the middle of nowhere. Although, I knew what I was going to find at the end of it.
After a pretty long walk of about two hours, and having lost my focus long before, I was fatigued and was even shivering a little. The rain was gone, but the wind definitely didn't go away. But my destination was pretty near and there was no way that I could go back home being so tired like that.
I don't understand... I thought. Why am I so tired? I'm used to more difficult challenges. Did those two months without training were enough to weaken me?
With those thoughts floating on my mind, I finally reached my goal: Lupin's new hideout. I looked up, then around, and then down, staring at the ground.
I really shouldn't be here... What am I doing? Did all that excitement took over me just because I already knew I would end up here? I rested the palm of my hand against my forehead. I couldn't believe, or better yet, I couldn't accept the fact that all that focus and motivation were being fueled by the very thoughts I wanted to forget.
Believing that or not, it was cold, and I couldn't risk going back to the city because they were probably still looking for the responsible for all those acts of 'vandalism'.
I sighed heavily and walked to the front door, lightly knocking on it. With luck, there would be no one home and I could rest on the porch for a while.
Unfortunately, lady luck wasn't being very nice to me lately.
I could hear steps inside getting closer to the door. At each step it seemed like my heart was going to stop.
Please, let it be Lupin, let it be Lupin... I thought, not really sure if my wish was going to be granted.
"Who is there?" Jigen's voice came from the other side of the door, followed by the click of a gun.
"I-it's me. Goemon," I replied. I couldn't tell if that stutter was due to the cold or due to how nervous I was.
I bet he was quite surprised when he opened the door and saw how pathetic I looked, wet from head to toe, with mud covering my shoes and feet, my arms crossed as I shivered...
"Get in," he ordered and I just nodded and entered the house. After taking a couple of steps, I stopped and let myself pretty much fall to the floor, but I tried to sit straight, more or less.
"Mind to tell me what happened to you?" Jigen asked, sitting on the floor in front of me.
"I was training. That's all," I crossed my arms and closed my eyes. I didn't want to extend that conversation for too long.
"And you chosen the heaviest rain in history to do that?"
"It's my training, I decide when it's good or bad to do it," I rubbed my arms with my hands, in a futile attempt to warm myself up.
"You know, it's really cold. Don't you want to take a hot shower or something?" he asked me, and even though that seemed tempting, I had to refuse it.
"There's no need for such a thing," I said, with my arms still crossed. I soon began to regret every single step I gave from my own house to that place. I felt like I was going to die.
"Well, I'll bring you a towel th-"
"I don't need anything. Just leave me alone," I said, my fingers tensing around my arms. Was it really so hard to understand that I didn't want his help?
Jigen didn't say anything else. He just got up from the floor and went to another room. It was nice to stay partially alone for a while. I could feel my muscles relax a little and I breathed in and out deeply. Running away from that problem wasn't going to help. I had to do something about that, and hopefully nothing that could make me get even more involved with that man.
Deep in my thoughts, I didn't even realize that Jigen was back into the room. When I did notice it, it was when something was put over my shoulders.
"Here's the towel, you like it or not," he walked away, going into another room.
"Thank you..." I muttered under my breath as I dried my hair. Then I thought about my muddy feet, but there was no way to dry them without getting the towel completely filthy. So I decided to just wrap the towel around my body and deal with the mud later.
The sound of a pan and something like a spoon hitting against it came from the other room, and I leaned forward a little, hoping I could see something, but my angle wasn't very favorable.
"I'm making soup. Do you want it?" Jigen said, appearing at the door.
"Will it make any difference if I say 'no'?" I asked, trying to look as calm as I could.
"Not really," he answered with a smile. I wanted to punch him for being so pleasant around me at such moment.
"Then no, I don't want it," I said, puling the towel over my head to cover my eyes. I felt so pathetic sitting there on the floor like that, with no power within me to actually get up and get away from that place.
"OK, I'll get you a bowl then," he said mockingly, going back to the kitchen.
It definitely didn't help that he was being so nice. In fact, that wasn't the first time he was being like that. He always seemed to worry about me. Maybe he... No, he had the same attitude when it came to Lupin. It was probably only his way to act around people he really cared for.
I knew that he was always quiet and reserved, not seeming to care about anyone, but he had a warm heart when he wanted to, and would be willing to help.
I shook my head. Goemon, you big idiot... I thought to myself. Why was I trying to find any indication that Jigen liked me... the way I liked him? He probably considered me a good friend and that was it. Nothing more than that.
For some reason, that broke my heart, and I felt an aching pain on my chest that refused to go away. A pain that couldn't be compared to any other I have ever felt.
Then, he reappeared at the door, with two bowls resting on a tray. He walked towards me and, when he was about to put the tray on the floor in front of me, he stopped midway, looking at me.
"Aren't you going to dry your feet?" he asked, finally putting the tray on the floor.
"They are too dirty. I don't want to ruin the towel."
"You are being ridiculous," he said, sitting on the opposite side of the tray. "If you don't dry them you might get a cold, and I'm not willing to look after you."
I stared at Jigen, not expecting him to be that dry. I then lowered my sight and started to do as he said, drying my feet and staining the white towel with dark, muddy spots.
Then, I could see some reddish tone mingle with the brown color of the mud. I looked at the sole of my foot and there was a considerable gash on it. I didn't know how or when it happened, but upon realizing the cut was there, I felt a stinging pain. I didn't say anything though. I certainly didn't want to bother him even more.
When my damaged foot was more or less dry and clean, I proceeded to dry the other one, while Jigen had already started drinking his soup and seemed more focused on the TV he had just turned on than me.
To my relief, my other foot was completely undamaged. Looking for a rare clean spot on the towel, I pressed it against the wound, leaving it there to suck up all the blood that could come out from it
I grabbed my own bowl of soup and turned my attention to the TV too, but it was hard to concentrate on either the food or the television with the pulsating pain under my foot, but I tried my best to ignore it. After all, wasn't I trained to endure pain? Just an ordinary cut like that shouldn't be enough to make me give too much thought about it.
When almost half of my soup was already gone, I was able to ignore the cut completely, but not for long. When a commercial came up and Jigen turned his attention from the TV to the tray in between us, I'm pretty sure he could see the crimson spot growing on the towel, because in no time I heard him suddenly shout my name with a tone of worry, to which I responded by just looking at him.
"Your... Your foot! It's bleeding! What happened?" he asked me almost frantically, putting down his bowl of soup.
"It's just a cut," I casually answered, the growing red spot not bothering me at all.
"Good God Goemon! You are supposed to tell me those things!" He exclaimed, leaning closer and removing the towel as I didn't even flinch at that.
He huffed as he saw the cut, visibly annoyed by it. He shook his head and got up, going to one of the rooms. I could hear something getting filled with water for a while and then it stopped. There was also the sound of some cabinet door being opened and closed.
Soon, Jigen returned with a somewhat large basin filled with water, resting on his forearms, and a small flask in one hand and a handful of cotton balls and a roll of bandages on the other, a new, clean towel hanging on his shoulder. He put everything on the floor next to me and looked right into my eyes, as I just sipped on the soup.
"C'mon. Give me your foot," he demanded.
"This in unnecessary," I answered, taking my last sip from the bowl and putting it down. As soon as the bowl was back on the tray, he grabbed my ankle and pulled it, bringing my foot closer to the basin. I instinctively reached for my sword, but stopped midway when he started to talk.
"Don't be such a stubborn bastard," he said, getting the towel and soaking it with the water. "If you get an infection and this develops into something else far worse, I'll never forgive myself for letting that happen."
I stared at him as he focused on the wet towel and on cleaning my wound. Those words. He would never forgive himself if something bad happened to me. Was he just being himself or...
Shaking my head, I tried to dismiss those thoughts. I told myself I was getting my hopes too high. That Jigen was helping me just as a friend...
My thoughts suddenly vanished when a new wave of pain arose. He was now cleaning that nasty cut with the cotton balls dipped in alcohol, and it really stung. I wondered how deep was that cut for me to feel such a burning sensation.
When he was done cleaning, he started wrapping my foot with the roll of bandage, placing some cotton over the cut to absorb the blood for a while.
"There. That's all I can do," he said, tying up the bandage pretty tight. "Let's just hope it isn't so deep you might need stitches. That would suck."
With that, he just smiled at me, taking away the basin, the dirty towels and the used cotton balls. He also took the tray and the bowls with him.
"Le-Let me help you!" I was ready to get up, when he made a sign for me to stop.
"You are staying there. I don't want you walking around with that wounded foot That might be a bad idea."
Jigen got up and took away everything, balancing everything on his arms. I was kind of expecting him to let all that fall, but he actually managed to reach the kitchen without making a mess. He was back shortly, sitting on the floor again, with his sight on the TV as he lighted up a cigarette.
"I'll clean those tomorrow..." he said, changing to another channel. Suddenly, he asked: "Were you really only training?"
I stayed in silence, as trying to find an adequate answer. Sure I could just say 'yes' but... Why was he suspicious about that? Why he still had doubts? Was it possible that he could see through me and know that I wanted him?
I disregarded that. He couldn't tell. I was being as apathetic as ever, wasn't I?
"Why are you asking that?" But I really wanted to erase all doubts.
"Nothing. Is just that... Forget it," Jigen stopped talking, his focus on the TV as he took a long drag from his cigarette.
"What?" I was growing weary.
"Why did you come here?"
I didn't know how to answer that. He was right. There was no reason for me to go there. He knew that I always trained within the vicinity of my home. There was no reason for me to go so far.
The words were stuck on my throat, as I desperately tried to find something that could justify my appearance there. And the only words that wanted to come out of my lips were... But I simply refused to let them out. I had to be stronger than those.
"You also don't tend to take so long to answer simple things like that," he said, finally turning off the TV and looking at me.
"I... I don't..." I was chocking on my words, as I looked away. I felt uncomfortable and slightly lost. I tried to deny the words and thoughts coming to my mind, but it seemed like they were stronger than ever, as if they were begging for me to let them out that instant.
"If you are trying to hide something, you are doing a pretty lousy job," he put out his cigarette on a nearby ashtray and got up, his back turned to me. For a split second, that sentence caught me off guard. It was almost as if... he knew what was on my mind even without me saying a world. So, before he could walk away though, I called his name.
Jigen turned to face me again and I moved closer to him, ignoring my aching foot. I was so tired of that stupid act of mine. I was emotionally exhausted. I just wanted to stop that always-present pain in my heart and how my stomach turned every time I was next to that idiot.
Then I just talked. I let all those words that were stuck on my throat come out. I couldn't take it anymore.
"You.. You bastard! You are a bastard! Can't you see it? Can't you see I'm being eaten from inside out? I don't just look at you, I stare at you, and I devour you with my eyes every time you are around. And my body burns every time you are near me. Damn, even when I'm alone at home I can feel my body like it is in flames! Do you have any idea how many nights I stayed awake just thinking about how it would feel to touch you? To kiss you? You don't know! And I hate you. I hate you for what you are doing to me, you... You..."
I couldn't go on. I could feel tears running down my cheeks as I shouted out loud all that speech; at this point,my hands were tightly gripped to the edge of his shirt.
Then I let his clothes go. I looked down to my own lap and let the tears flow. I was tired, angry and disappointed. I quickly started regretting everything I had just said.
Suddenly, I felt something. A hand on my shoulder. I tilted my head up a little and Jigen was kneeling right in front of me. I thought about asking him what that was all about, but the words failed to reach my lips and I just remained silent, my lips partially opened.
Then he leaned forward and I leaned back, by impulse. Suddenly, he pulled me by the shoulder. And kissed me.
I was paralyzed for a moment. His lips were pressed against mine and I didn't know what to do. In all honesty, I did know, but I was so shocked I couldn't even move a muscle.
All of sudden, it was as if my whole body had woken up. My eyes closed and, before I knew it, my arms were wrapped around his body and I was pulling him as close as I could, kissing him almost desperately.
And as fast as my body reacted towards that action, it acted against it because I soon found myself pushing Jigen and moving away from him.
"I-Idiot! Why did you do that?" I almost screamed. I felt excited, angry, happy, confused... I didn't even know how I should be feeling.
"What did you expect me to do after all that you said to me?"
"You don't get it, do you? I might be feeling all that, but I don't want you doing it! Is hard enough to control this without your 'help'!" I was furious. He had no idea of what he had just done. How he made things a lot worst.
"So I guess I shouldn't be doing that either," Jigen said, his lips showing a mischievous grin as he got closer to me. That scent of cigarettes and gunpowder reaching my nostrils with every movement of his. A scent that, in somebody else, would be less than pleasant.
Instead of backing away to prevent him from doing whatever he wanted to, I just stayed there, still, waiting for him to get closer, as my body seemed to disobey whatever my mind was telling it to do.
He got really close to me, his lips just an inch away from mine. He then lowered his head and started to brush his lips against my neck.
I put my hands against his shoulders with the intention of pulling him away, but that proved to be totally useless, since it seemed like my body had lost all it's strength.
"S-Stop it already..." I muttered, as if I didn't want to say that. And deep inside, I didn't. I suddenly wanted him to go on, wanted to see how far he would go.
Then I felt his tongue against my neck and my hands gripped his shoulders. That felt good but, at the same time, I wanted to die. To me, we had already gone too far.
As Jigen licked my skin I held back all my moans and just sighed occasionally. It was almost as if I wanted to deny to the world that I was enjoying it. I still wanted to believe that I had an ounce of self-control inside my mind that would wake me up from all that and force me to run away from there.
But this 'will' of running away was really taking it's sweet time to come by.
He slipped his hands inside my clothes and put them against my back, pulling me closer, as I kept trying to push him away.
"You aren't even trying," he murmured against my neck, showing that even he could see that I wasn't making a real effort to keep him away from me, as it would be expected.
I sighed and let my arms fall by the side of my body, letting go off his shoulders. I wasn't going to push him and that was the truth. A truth I didn't want to accept, but it was right there in front of me.
As soon as I let his shoulders go, he bit my neck and I let out a slightly loud moan, my fingers tensing. Unconsciously, I put my head back, giving him more space. The licking and biting continued for a while, as my fingers tensed and relaxed, with me trying to hold back all the sounds that came to my mouth.
Although, the rest of my body was betraying my silence. My breathing was slightly irregular and my heart was racing. And he just had his lips on my neck. I was afraid of what could happen if he ever got past that.
I would find out soon enough, as Jigen moved from my neck to my chest, always pulling me closer. He moved one of his hands from my back to my shoulder, pulling my clothes a little to take them out of his way.
Next thing I knew he was nibbling on and sucking my nipple. I suddenly gasped and my whole body jerked back. That wasn't even slightly familiar to me and my body reacted in a very unexpected way. Before I noticed it, one of my hands was resting on his back and the other had it's fingers tangled up in his hair, as if I needed to touch him to make sure he wasn't going to disappear at any minute.
I wanted that. Better yet, I needed that. It was almost like a proof that I was alive. I finally could feel the cold that had been all over my body since then go away, and get replaced by a warm, comfortable feeling. A comfortable feeling mixed with a dose of fear and regret. I still couldn't believe that I had given in so easily and that bothered me. Where was my pride and honor in all that? Was I really willing to throw it all away just for that quick rush of emotions?
Yes. Yes I was. And with each and every action of his I was even more certain about that, while my fingers dug deeper into his hair, pulling him closer. I could feel the fingers from his left hand tracing paths on my back, sending shivers down my spine.
I licked my lips, biting the lower one afterwards, still insisting on holding back all the moans that came from my throat. I didn't know for how long I would be able to contain those, but I was trying my best.
There was something good about that whole experience though: I was finally getting to know how Jigen's hands felt like. They were warm. Really warm and inviting. Also, his hair. It was thick, not exactly well brushed... It actually felt pretty rough, like almost everything about him. And it finally occurred to me that I liked him exactly because of that.
He moved his lips back to my neck, his hands sliding down to my hips. I instantly tensed again, my fists clenching. Suddenly, I realized that I wasn't really prepared for that.
Please, don't do that… I kept repeating that sentence inside my mind like a mantra. I had to prevent him from going any further. I couldn't bear seeing that go on, without doing anything to stop it.
Even though all I could muster was a whispery 'no', among all that turmoil of emotions inside me, he instantly stopped on his tracks, his face now in front of mine again as he looked at me.
"I... suppose we are going too fast," he said, with a warm smile. I both loved and hated that stupid smile of his.
"Could you... Kiss me again?" I promptly asked as he stopped talking, with a hint of begging in my request, before I could lose the nerves to ask him that. Jigen nodded slowly and leaned forward a bit, just to press his lips against mine.
I closed my eyes for a while. That was such a nice and enveloping feeling. I put my arms around him and I believe I could have stayed like that forever.
Right after that, I felt him nibble on my lower lip. I opened my mouth, as if I knew what he meant with that small bite, and that's when the real experience began.
When his tongue reached mine, in a way more subtle way then the one I had attempted earlier, I could finally discover how it was to kiss him. It was wonderful. No, it was amazing. It felt like I was in heaven. Not even the constant taste of nicotine spread all over his mouth was able to make me think any different. In fact, it just made it all more real.
I pushed him, kissing him deeper. I wanted him so much it was ridiculous. More ridiculous than the fact that I was letting myself go, yet again, but at least I wasn't as scared as before. Just a little bit unease. I still didn't want to take that any further though, so I had to make the most out of that singular moment.
I don't know for how long we kissed, but to me, it looked like an eternity, but it felt strangely short at the same time. Jigen was the one to break the kiss, because if it was up to me we were going to stay like that forever. I touched my lips with the tip of my fingers, my eyes still closed, as a lingering taste still remained in my mouth.
I opened my eyes and stared at him, not sure if I should be saying something about that, like thanking him somehow. I hoped he knew what to say to fill that strange silence that took over the room.
"So... How was that?" He looked at me and seemed worried by my lack of words.
"I-It was... Good. Really good, to be honest," I looked away. Good. What a terrible word compared to what I really felt.
"For someone that pushed me like that, 'good' wasn't the answer I was expecting," he laughed to himself, putting his hands behind the back of his head.
I shrugged at his commentary, crossing my arms. "I'm guessing now you'll use all that to tease me," I knew Jigen wasn't that kind of person, but after all that and the things I told him, things could change.
"Hm? Me, tease you? I won't be foolish enough. You might like me but I know you wouldn't hesitate using that sword of yours to teach me a lesson or two," he looked at my sword as he talked. I could give him lessons, yes, but I just couldn't see myself raising my sword against him, at least not with the intent of hurting him.
"Good. Now, I think I should try and get me some sleep, alright?" I looked at him. I felt so tired in so many levels that I didn't know what was making more fatigued. And I just wanted to stop looking at him for a moment or two, or else I wouldn't be able to keep my word of not going too far.
"I understand. Here, let me help you go to the bedroom. It's on the second floor," he extended his hand to me and I just pushed it away, getting up on my own two feet, with my sword working as a make-shift cane.
"You have to stop acting like a mother," I told him, walking to the staircase, as he stood there, looking at me. I started to go upstairs and managed to get to the upper floor. Then, I heard his voice again.
"I'm nobody's MOTHER!" he seemed pretty angry and I just smiled to myself.
I didn't know what was going to come out of this, but even if that was a once in a lifetime happening, I would be somewhat happy because I tried it at least once.