"Ben?"
Every time I dared to say or even think that name I got a whole new bunch of pain aimed right at my heart and a picture show in brain of how it had been me to end it all.
(smooth words coming out as I crushed his neck and prayed that he did not feel a thing)
"You're dead, you cannot be here, and I killed you with my own damn hands."
It took every part of me not to reach out and touch him, knowing that it was Ben standing before me and not Alec (knowing someone that long you just know), trying to make sure that he was real.
(resisting the urge to give him the kiss that's been sitting on my lips since our fucked up childhoods)
"Yes you did, Maxie, you did just what I asked of you, it wasn't your fault, not one single bit of it was. Thank you, I'm so sorry we didn't get our chance that was my entire fault."
Warm hands grabbed hold of me feeling so damn real that hurt and gave me that kiss that was only spoken in whispers about in the past.
"Maxie, it's time to wake up now."
Like every other time it was ripped away when I opened my damn eyes and found that it was just a familiar dream and I was being shaken awake by his clone.
(everything about him was the same but the eyes and my feelings were not the same)
"Hey, Max, wake up, babe, you're dreaming and doing it quite loudly. And what about may I ask, me, perhaps?"
The kiss was still sitting on my lips, one that was for a dead man that I had ended with these very hands (always my fault no matter what anyone says), and maybe one day he could be my replacement.
(but this time I won't wait until the world is ending to kiss those lips)
"Only in your dreams, Alec, and I bet even then you would strike out."