Maybe, Please?
I don't own anything other than a 10 year old van. All characters, etc. belong to their creators. I'm just playing with them. I'll put them back when I'm done, and try not to break them in the meantime.
AN: This is post 10x23. It's been sitting on my computer since that night, I'm just now getting it polished up. This is one of my first fanfics, so please, be easy on me unless you have something constructive to add. If not, just go away!
I woke with a start and instinctively reached over for my wife, only to find cool sheets and an empty bed. I squinted at the clock seeing that it was only 2:30 a.m. I flipped on the bedside lamp, and saw that Arizona's leg was not in its normal place propped up against her side of the bed. I knew that Arizona wouldn't go to the trouble of putting on her leg just to go to the bathroom, and I knew that my wife hadn't just slipped out of bed for a quick bathroom stop or to get a drink of water, and knew that there was something wrong. Surely if she'd been paged in she would have woken me to let me know that she was leaving. I got up and slipped into my black silk robe and went looking for her. I checked Sofia's room, but our daughter was sleeping on the Princess Sofia sheets in her big girl bed, sacked out completely, and totally alone. I stopped long enough to tuck the comforter back up around our little princess who promptly shoved one foot out from under the covers. I couldn't help the smile that crossed my face seeing my daughter sleep just like I usually do, with at least one foot stuck out and dead to the world. I tucked a strand of her soft black hair behind her ear and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and continued the search for my wife.
When I got to the kitchen, I found the dishwasher had been emptied, the floor mopped of the juice that had been spilled after supper, and then I knew trouble was really brewing in my wife. She only compulsively cleans in the middle of the night when something is eating at her. And I have a pretty good idea what the problem is. In the family room, I found all of Sofia's toys had been picked up and the mail that had accumulated over the past few weeks had been sorted and stacked neatly on the bookshelf just inside the front door. I peeked inside the garage, just to make sure that her car was still there, and it was parked in the same place she'd left it when she got home this evening. That only left two places: the spare bedroom that was going to be the nursery whenever it was needed for that purpose and the back patio overlooking the pool and the swing set in the back yard. I switched on the coffee pot on my way through the kitchen, knowing that I was going to need the extra caffeine after being up at this ungodly hour. And that Arizona would need it more than me. It looks like she's been up a while. I went to the back door, but the chain was still on the safety lock, so I knew there was no way that she'd gone out that door. That only left the two bathrooms and the one bedroom, which was still mostly filled with boxes and the red sofa that didn't match our living room.
Both bathrooms were dark and empty, and my wife hadn't returned to bed. So, knowing now where she was, I went back to the kitchen and poured out two mugs of coffee and added the proper amounts of cream and sugar to our respective mugs and took them to the office/dumping ground/nursery, knowing I'd find my precious wife there. And I was right. There, in the dim light of the one desk lamp, I found my beautiful blonde curled up on the red sofa, her leg lying on the floor in front of her, a book in her hand. When she heard me, she quickly stashed the book inside an open box and turned to me with a bright smile. But I know my wife better than that. That smile was a fake "everything's going to be fine, no need to worry about me, I'm good" smile. The same one she gave me earlier tonight when she assured me that our life was great the way it is right now. "Arizona," I breathed out. She met my gaze and I could tell that she'd been crying. "Honey, what is it? What's got you up, in the middle of the night, cleaning like a banshee?" I asked her. The only response I got was a big sigh. I took her the coffee in my hand, and she wrapped her hands around it like it was giving her the only warmth in the world, like it was a lifeline and that she'd drown if she let go of it.
"It's nothing," She said, a tight smile on her perfect lips. "I just couldn't sleep, and I didn't want to bother you, so I got up and straightened out the house a bit, that's all." She told me.
"Mmmhhmm." I sighed. "Arizona, please, talk to me. I know you better than this. I know something is eating at you. Please, tell me what's going on in that beautiful head of yours." I begged her. When she tried again to tell me it's nothing, I just arched an eyebrow at her over my coffee mug and said, "You want to try another story? 'Cause I'm not buying this one. Is this about the baby thing?" When her face crumbled at the mention of the baby issue, I knew I'd hit the nail on the head. "Sweetie, what's happening in here?" I asked again as I tucked a lock of golden hair behind her ear, only to have it fall to her face again as she lowered her head. When I saw tears on her cheek, I set my coffee mug on a box and pulled her to me. She resisted at first, and then melted into my embrace, silent sobs wracking her body. I just held her until the sobs slowed and then offered her a tissue from the box on the desk.
"I'm so sorry Callie. I'm so, so sorry." She gasped out between the sobs that were still coming from her, but not as frequently. She turned her face to me, and I reached up and brushed away a stray tear with my thumb as I caressed her cheek. She leaned into my hand and looked at the floor before saying, "I keep killing your dreams. I almost killed you. I almost killed Sofia. But even though you guys are OK now, I keep killing you. I know you want another baby, and so do I, but… I keep killing your dreams. It's all my fault. It's all my fault. I asked you to marry me and a truck came out of nowhere, and now we can't have any more kids. And it's all my fault. If I hadn't told you to not answer Mark, you'd have had your seatbelt on and we'd be getting pregnant right now. But it's not, and it's ALL MY FAULT!" The admission fell from her lips in a rush, and she had it all said before I could even process what she was saying. Once I'd had a second to process what she'd said, I knew I'd been right all along. She blames herself.
"Arizona, don't you remember the police report?" I asked her. "It said that that trucker ran a stop sign and cut us off. And he was driving 30 miles under the speed limit. So even if we did hit him, it was his fault. His tail lights were out, and he wasn't even licensed to be driving that truck, sweetie." When this got no response from my blonde, I hooked a finger under her chin and forced her to look at me. "It. Was. An. Accident." I told her firmly. "We've been over this and over this, love. You didn't hit that guy on purpose; therefore, it was an accident. And I in NO way hold you responsible for it, so you shouldn't either." Making sure I had eye contact with her, I said "And you haven't killed anything. I love you more than anything, and you've given my life more meaning than I could ever have imagined. We have a beautiful daughter, and we'll figure out a way to have more. We can adopt. We can… Adopt a whole Haitian village if you want to. We can wait a year and revisit the issue. I can have surgery to take down the adhesions. We'll figure something out, sweetheart. But please, come back to bed." I begged her.
"Calliope, I know you said that we're too fragile for me to try again to have a baby, but do you know what woke me up?" At the shake of my head, she continued, "I was dreaming that I was pregnant, and I felt the baby move for the first time. It was the most amazing feeling." A small smile played over her face at the mention of fetal movement. "I robbed you of almost half of a pregnancy. I was really looking forward to the next 16 weeks of your pregnancy. I wanted to know what you'd look like being full and ripe. I robbed you of that natural delivery that you wanted. I robbed you of getting to breastfeed Sofia. I really wanted to see that too. I can only imagine how breathtaking that sight would have been." She stopped to take a breath, and looked me square in the eyes and said, "I want to try again. I need to try again. I want to feel that fetal movement. I want to breastfeed our baby. And I want that baby created in a moment of passion between us, not in the doctor's office like last time. Please, Callie, I-I-I want to try again." She begged. I just shook my head and wiped a tear from my own cheek.
"Arizona, are you sure?" I asked. "You said, '"I can't handle another loss." I took that to mean that you couldn't do it. And when we flipped that coin, you said that you didn't want to, that I did it last time and it was beautiful." I reminded her.
She just nodded and said, "I WANT this, Callie. I really do want to try again. I need to try again. This isn't the first time I've dreamed of carrying your baby. My uterus is screaming at me!" She said with a small chuckle, making me grin at her. "I never thought I'd ever say those words. I never thought I'd be one of 'those' women. But I get it now. And I want this. So please, please, Calliope, please, let's try again."
"OK, Arizona, sweetheart. If you're sure, we'll try again in a month or two. But first, I'm going to call Addison and talk to her about having the adhesions taken down. Maybe then we'll go crazy and both of us try. We could have twins!" At this, my lover gave a full giggle, and I knew the majority of the storm was over. "Please, honey, come back to bed." I picked up our now empty coffee cups while she put on her leg, and I led her out of the room and back to ours. As we climbed into bed, I remembered that she'd been reading something in there, and asked her, "Out of curiosity, what were you reading in there?"
Pulling up the covers and snuggling into my chest, she looked up at me and said, "What To Expect When You're Expecting".
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