Unneeded Disclaimer of ultimate pain: I do not own Bethesda, if I did; I would be taking a dump on your head from a 44th floor window.
Claimer (As ordered by Gollum): I do, however, own my character and any other characters I make up (most of the characters will be made up because I haven't played this game in ages ((Life gets in the way, DAMN YOU LIFE!)) and I've forgotten most of the characters because when god rolled my character sheet, he rolled a three in memory)
And now at last (after many misguided attempts at humour) our scheduled presentation
Brought to you by
Goddamnit Mildred, I've spilt me tea again!
Pictures
Lothlyn Greenleaf
The mage's hands glowed with purple fire and his robes fluttered around him
"You, Lothlyn Greenleaf, are charged with stealing from the sacred chest" he said
"It's not a chest, it's this long!" replied the thief, emphasizing his words with 3 inches space between his fingers.
"Size is no matter! What you stole is of great importance!" yelled the mage, his eyes blazing with rage
"A marble" said the elf, his long hair flying in the wind of the mage's spell.
"IT IS NOT A MARBLE!" screamed the high elf guild master, he lobbed the fireballs at Lothlyn, the elf ducked under one and cart wheeled out of the way of another.
The thief grinned and ran towards the doors; two more balls of flame flew past
"You burn this suit and you're dead!" He yelled, not turning to look back.
He burst through the doors into the imperial city; the elf walked slowly away from the doors and walked off into the crowd
"Only a moron runs" he told himself, as his master had done a thousand times "Ok, don't over exaggerate, not a thousand times" admitted the thief "Or did he?"
Lothlyn turned down a side alley and walked along, he whistled as he did, his midnight black longsword bouncing in his scabbard as he walked.
The thief wondered about his career, as a child he had always wanted to be a wise and powerful monk, then at age 12 he decided he wanted to be a mage, but then he had ended up as a thief.
Ah, how many times he had heard the cliché line "Stop, thief!" he could not remember, but he had once or twice heard the occasional "You made me drop my bagel!"
He turned into the thieves guild, the elf walked along the carpeted halls, his blue eyes flashing dazzlingly, most of his fellow guild members hid in dark corners and watched him go by, that made him think of an article he had once seen in Ye olde paper with news innit, the article was all about the fact that 77 of the Thieves' guild was composed of angsty corners.
He trundled silently into Grey Fox's-
"Wait, wait, wait, lemme get this straight, and the author actually remembered a name?" frowned Lothlyn with interest
"Dude! Shut up, you're breaking the fourth wall!" replied Blackmagi angrily
"Before I go, I'd just like to say that this piece of conversation between me and the author did not happen" and with that, the thief popped back into Microsoft word.
-office
"Ah, hello, Loth, I've been expecting you" drawled Grey Fox, turning on his chair
"Dude, that is waaaaay overused" commented Lothlyn, raising an eyebrow and sitting down.
"Lower that eyebrow right now, young man!" said Grey Fox sternly.
Sometimes Lothlyn thought that old GF was off his rocker, but then again, he did sign his monthly guild cheque.
The elf complied and lowered his eyebrow, pulling out a small white marble-sized ball as he did.
The ball was handed over
"Ah, the sacred orb of Illusion" cooed Grey Fox softly, the light glinting in his eyes
"A.k.a, marble" confirmed the top thief, Grey Fox shot him a dirty look
"This orb-"
"Marble" sniped in Lothlyn
Grey Fox sighed "can create any illusion you want"
"So….you're using it to make illusions of naked orcs, right?" grinned the thief
"Ugh" the guildmaster shuddered "no, with this, we could steal the elder scrolls themselves" he grinned madly
"Cough, going mad with power, cough" said Lothlyn very loudly and clearly
"Will you STFU for five minutes?" asked Grey Fox
"Uh, we're not supposed to know what an acronym is" put in the elf, Grey Fox fumed
"Shut. Up Thank you, now, with the elder scrolls, we can ransom them for millions of gold!"
"But, isn't ulti-" the thief was about to interrupt
"Shut up, now, when we get this gold, we can buyout the mages' and fighters' guild, and then…….the world!"
Lothlyn was wondering what would happen if he killed GF and then he could sign his own monthly guild payment when he thought better of it, GF had enough problems with half the world wanting him dead, and his wife being diagnosed with tumours…..
Lothlyn was riding his horse 7 minutes and 23 seconds later when two bandits jumped out from the side of the road and yelled
"Gives us your money?" said one; it sounded as if he had badly rehearsed it
"Yeah, o-or we'll c-cut you?" confirmed the other, looking at his partner for help.
Loth dismounted his horse and patted his horse
"I'll be right back" he told the horse, and walked over to the bandits
"Ok, what's wrong, boys?" he asked them
"Well, we're kinda new to this whole bandit thing" sighed one
"And we haven't exactly covered the whole, 'robbery' thing yet" said the other
"Well, the thing is, you need to be scary, c'mon, gimme your mean looks!" said the wood elf
One bandit wrinkled up his nose and scowled, and the second one jutted out his bottom jaw
"No, no, no! Try like this" Lothlyn told them, he furrowed his brow and raised the right side of his upper lip.
The bandits looked at him with awe
"Now you try" he instructed, the first bandit did exceedingly well, he leered and grinned nastily, whilst his friend cracked his knuckles and sneered.
"Very good!" praised the elf, sounding almost teacher-like.
"Now, the first thing you do when you see someone is draw your weapon" he told the clueless highwaymen, and he pulled out his sword and pointed it at a tree
"Its even better if you have a ranged weapon" he added
"Well, that's good, Mike's got a crossbow" said the nameless bandit, jabbing a thumb at Mike, bandit 2 (or Mike) pulled a yew crossbow from his back and beamed happily.
Lothlyn instructed the bandits on holding your weapons in a menacing way, you combined this with your mean face, and this made a great combination that would scare even a nord out of his skin
"Thanks, chum, me and Mike thank you so much for your help!" smiled one robber
"No problem" replied Loth, clambering onto his horse and began to ride away
"Lovely chap, eh Bill?" said one bandit
"Yeah…."replied Bill
As the two bandits watched the disappearing horse and figure the horribly clichéd stupidity dawned on them
"Wait…"
Lothlyn arrived at the town of Bravil, he left his horse at the stables and walked off to the nearest tavern; The Burning Skirt.
He walked in to be greeted by song, laughter, and the sickening crunches of knuckles making contact with a face somewhere under a table.
He walked up to the bar
"Apple grog, my dirty man" he said, the barman walked up after a few movements and said,
"That'll be "but Lothlyn was gone "gold. Ugh, no one ever pays in this bloody bar" he muttered "and if they do, it's either with a fist to the nose, or a lift of the dress…" he started to wipe the bar table
"Not that I mind the lift of a dress" he suddenly added, eyes shifty "wouldn't want any readers to think I'm a homosexual" he said perhaps a little to fast.
Suddenly a dagger came flying past his head and embedded itself in the wall next to his head on it the words: DON'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL were written.
Anyway, back to our dashing hero, when I say 'dashing', well, when I write 'dashing', I mean he was literally dashing
"Oh crap, that guy's gonna kill me!" thought Lothlyn, now, lets see what our elven thief was doing whilst that fourth wall-breaking barkeep was bantering on about his sexuality.
Lothlyn walked of with his apple grog, happily whistling a tune.
A large orc lumbered over to him and said
"Oi! I bet you 2 gold I can touch my nose with my tongue" he said
"I bet that's not all you touch with your tongue" sniggered the thief, unluckily; this orc was not drunk and was intelligent enough to conceive what Loth said.
"You son of a bi-" but before this story could be befouled with bad language, Lothlyn had ran out of earshot of the orc, who had now unsheathed his club (how the hell do you unsheathe a club?) and thundered after the swift elf.
The two chased up the stairs and it was obvious that this would undoubtedly end up in a Benny Hill scene.
The two ran through a door and the music started on cue, the thief ran out of one door at the end when the orc came out of the other.
Soon they were running about through doors and they could swear that Scooby-doo and Spock were running around too until Lothlyn hopped out of a window and into a pile of mud and pig crap.
"I hate my life" he said plainly as he got up and walked over to the stables.
On a hill overlooking Bravil a figure stood, only the figure's outline could be seen, watching the town….
"Wait, wait, wait!" interrupted Lothlyn "what the hell is this guy doing?"
"Its called foreshadowing dipsh-" but then the story had to end to save the ESRB rating.
(A/N ok, please flame me or praise me, my humour is stupid at times in my opinion, but remember, it doesn't actually have a storyline, I'm making it up as I go along, like J.K Rowling )