Towel wrapped tightly, holding me together.

Turning on the shower, focusing only on hanging up the towel, on the dark blue cloth.

Pain hits, instantly. Dark blue...I had worn that color for someone, back when colors mattered. Back when lots of things mattered.

I turn my gaze away from the towel. I have to find something else to think about. Now.

I settle for focusing on the texture of the bathrug beneath my feet. The simplest things have become my anchors.

The shower is running. Waiting.

The warm spray is comforting, a friend that soothes. Like rain.

The pain washes over me yet again. Rain. The word makes me think of so many things I cannot think about. Hiding the sun so someone can interact with normal people. Rain drops that look like diamonds set against bronze strands….

STOP!

I wash my hair with a scentless shampoo. No more strawberries. That brings back the first day of the happiest time of my life.

I was right to fear someone that day, though not because of the reasons one might think. I hadn't been afraid; I had trusted them. Yet they had killed me, in the end. And, even though I'm dead, thinking about these things still hurts me.

I curl up on the floor of the bathtub, arms around knees. I try not to think about anything at all. I simply let myself drift. I'm remarkably good at it now. Once upon a time (ha! The beginning of so many fairy tales. But I use it here to refer to the beginning of Hell) all I could think about was walking with someone into the forest, looking into eyes made of molten gold that solidified as I watched, hearing those words that ended it all….

I can't stop the whimper of pain that escapes me. Tears should be rolling down my face…but I can't cry. I've bottled that ability up.

Because, if I started, I would never stop. I would literally drown in tears.

I manage to empty my mind once more. I hover somewhere. I vaguely wonder if, even were my mind normal, someone would be able to hear anything from it now –

I shut down the thought. Luckily, I'm far enough away now that I'm only briefly dragged under. Then I float back to the place that shelters me from the torture – a colorless, soundless, thoughtless place that simply lets me be. It was black, until that made me remember hunger. Then it was white, until I thought of a beautiful house, deep in the forest….

You see, nothing I know in this world is safe. Nothing is safe.

So I run towards nothingness.