Toujours
Prologue: Sacrifices
31 October, 1981
"I don't have time to explain!!" Sirius knew he was shouting, but he didn't care. He had already lost Lily, James, and Harry; he wasn't going to lose them too. "Sirius why won't you tell me what's going on?" She was shouting now too, her beautiful face terrified and devoid of color. Sirius opened and closed his mouth several times, but said nothing.
He couldn't bring himself to say it. He couldn't tell her what he had done. He couldn't tell her that he was responsible for the deaths of his two best friends. "It doesn't matter now, just please promise me you'll take care of him," Sirius said, a desperate note of pleading in his voice. He seized hold of her hands, gripping them as tight as he could.
"Please, promise me." She raised her sapphire gaze to meet his grey one then turned her gaze to the toddler sleeping on her sofa. When their eyes met again, she said softly without a moment's hesitation. "I promise." "No matter what happens?" Sirius pressed, tightening his already painful grip on her hands, his grey eyes wide and pleading.
"No matter what happens," she repeated, gripping his hands just as tight. His hands were cold and shaking. Sirius felt an immediate rush of relief at her words. He hated himself for doing this to them, but this was the only way he knew to keep them safe. Sirius reached out and yanked her into his arms, holding her close.
He didn't have much time and he needed to say goodbye." I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered. She held him as tight as she could. "I love you; I love both of you so much." "I know, Sirius. I love you too."
"Take care of Remus, please take care of him too," he whispered pleadingly. "Of course I will," she promised. "Tell him I'm sorry, that I didn't mean for this to happen." "I will love." Slowly, they drew apart, never taking their eyes off each other.
She was strong, one of the strongest people Sirius had ever known. A survivor. She would be okay. He turned away from her then and walked over to the sofa, staring down at the sleeping child. As gently as he could, Sirius lifted the sleeping boy into his arms and held him close.
"I'm sorry, I've never meant for this to happen. I love you, I love you so much. Please don't grow up to hate me," he whispered, stroking the sleeping toddler's soft black hair. The little boy stirred in his sleep and seemed to cuddle a little closer to him, his black hair tickling Sirius's cheek. In the moment, Sirius wasn't sure he could ever let him go. But in a slow, pained movement, Sirius laid the sleeping baby in her arms and hugged them both one last time. "I love you and I'm so sorry," he said softly one last time before rushing out of the flat and into the hall.
This is his last image of them, her standing in the doorway of her cracker box flat with him sleeping soundly in her arms. It is this image that haunts him for twelve long years.