Chanda Mama

By Grozic

Written 7.25.2009

Updated 8.5.2009

Beta read by The Lost and Found Box

Author's Note: Inspired by the song "Chanda Mama" from Playing For Change. I intended this story to be much much more upbeat like the song, but oh well. I got the idea from it so that's all that really matters.

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion.

Rushing the work he doing on his homework, Shinji had to hurry or he'd be late for school. Today was Bring Your Mom to School day. Personally, he thought whoever made the idea never had a mother before or else they would have realized how embarrassing moms could be.

Done with his homework he was supposed to finish, Shinji roughly stuffed his books into his bag and rushed out into the living room to say goodbye to his father and leave.

"Bye Dad."

"Hn…" Gendo didn't even shift his eyes away from the newspaper he was reading.

Ok... Shinji internally rolled his eyes. Dad was always like this in the mornings and he didn't really expect any difference.

"Come on Mom! We'll be late if we don't go soon!"

"Shinji, you do realize that since I'm going, I'll be driving us there?" Yui smiled mischievously as she awaited his answer.

And it soon came as an unsophisticated, "Huh? Haha… I forgot about that." Shinji set himself down on the couch and put his bag aside as he grabbed the remote. Switching it on, he decided to watch the local news as he waited for time to pass.

Five minutes later…

"Let's get going Shinji, I want to get there early so I can meet Kyoko and see your little girlfriend again," she teased.

"Mom!" Shinji whined. Asuka wasn't his girlfriend, not even if he wanted her to be, which in fact he did.

"Fine, fine."

Shinji sighed in relief; he wouldn't be teased anymore.

Yui went to kiss Gendo on the cheek. "Bye, honey."

"Hn…" Again, he didn't even move his eyes. All he did was lick his thumb and turn the page.

Starting toward the door, she paused to say something, "At least we get to see that cute Ayanami girl who has a crush on you." Suddenly going into a sprint to the car, she was laughing all the way.

"Mom!" Shinji complained again; why did his mom be so perverted? Still it beats that time she tried to convince Rei to have her grandchildren. Rei even seemed like she liked the idea, but that's impossible…

Before losing any more time thinking about this, Shinji grabbed his stuff and went outside to the car.

Today was definitely going to be interesting.

______________________________________________________________________________

Arriving at the school, Shinji decided to go talk to Toji and Kensuke first.

"Hi guys."

"Hi boys."

"Hi Shinji, hi Ikari-san."

"Hi Suzuhara-san.

"Hi Shinji-kun."

"Hi Aida-san.

"Hi Shinji-kun."

"Hi girls."

"Hi Yui-chan." The three mothers began talking to each other, though what they were talking about, no one knew. Shinji had an inkling though…

"Hi Shinji."

"Toji, you already said that," reminded the military otaku.

"Oh, really? Eh, I guess I did."

Suddenly, a gush of wind formed as something moving faster than the speed of light glomped onto Shinji.

"Shinji-sama, did you miss me?" asked a cute voice.

"Hi Mari-san," Shinji greeted calmly, though he had a slight reddish tint on his cheek. This happened almost every single day. Now all he had to do was wait.

He could hear the stomps coming.

"Get off of him Suzuhara, you slut!" yelled the Red Devil, further known as Asuka Langley Soryu.

"Why should I?" Mari Suzuhara just blew a raspberry at the redhead, enraging her further.

Gently tearing her body apart from his, Shinji saw a slender hand put her hand on the German girl's shoulder, calming her. His internal systems began to sound the alarms. Pervert mom incoming! Brace yourselves!

"So Shinji-kun," asked Kyoko, Asuka's mother.

"Yes Soryu-san?" Shinji could feel himself already regretting to ask the question.

"When are you going to pop the question to Asuka?"

"Waaah?!" screamed both persons involved. Shinji grew redder than Asuka's hair, though Asuka's blush beat his own.

"Kyoko-chan, you know you shouldn't ask that." The three mothers of the boys joined into the conversation.

"Yeah."

"You should ask when Shinji is going pop Asuka's cherry first," Yui suggested, causing the whole conglomerate of moms to giggle. Shinji felt like he was going to faint, while Asuka gained an even darker shade of red in embarrassment.

Unfortunately for the two, the two Stooges heard her suggestion, though only a part of it.

"Go Shinji, you dog! I bet you're going to get Ayanami next aren't you?" Toji enquired, though he was genuinely glad Shinji got laid, the kind guy deserved some happiness, no matter what form.

"Erm…"

"You tamed the Devil?!" Kensuke asked incredulously. He kneeled and began to chant. "All hail Lord Iron-Balls Ikari." The moms just giggled even more at this.

Laughing, Toji decided to join in the worship.

"Shinji-sama, is it true? Did you and Asuka…" Mari looked at him with pouty eyes, causing him to think. Kawaii…

"SHUT UP! Me and the baka never ever did anything! As if I would even think about just dating that hentai! There is no way I would willingly be his girlfriend, let alone wife! He's not even worthy to lick my feet! We will never ever be together! Hear that Baka?! NEVER!" Asuka violently screamed.

Everyone just stared at the girl in shock. While she had denied it before, this was the farthest she ever went.

Kyoko shook her head in disappointment.

Shinji merely looked down, his hair covering his eyes. If anyone had been looking closely at him, they would have noticed tears streaming down his face and slowly dripping onto the ground.

"So… so Asuka-chan hates me…" Shinji muttered to himself. He ran away into the school, pushing aside Toji and Kensuke, though they didn't mind as they were busy glaring at Asuka.

"Shin-chan!" Yui called after him. She excused herself and tried her best to follow him through the crowds of students and mothers.

"Baka…" Asuka felt a sharp pang of regret.

"Asuka Langley Soryu… we need to talk," Kyoko said, using her daughter's full name to indicate she was in deep... oh what's the word… doodoo.

______________________________________________________________________________

Moping on the roof of the school, a depressed Shinji sighed. Why does she have to always be like this? He asked himself, though it was a futile question as the answer as likely to come as him getting a chance to pilot a giant robot.

"Ikari-kun?"

Turning back to look at the owner of the voice, Shinji saw a blue-haired girl with red eyes. "Oh hi Rei-chan," he said half-heartedly.

"Ikari-kun, why are you up here? Was Soryu being mean again?" Ayanami asked needlessly. It almost always tended to be Asuka when Shinji was sad.

"I… I guess you could say something like that… it's just…" Before he could get anything else out, he let out a soft cry of shock. Rei had put her arms around him and hugged him. "Rei! What are you doing?"

The girl's red eyes stared back at the boy's blue ones. "I'm hugging you, Ikari-kun. You do not like it?" Ayanami knew she liked… no, she loved the contact with him, but if he didn't like it as well, she would comply with his wishes.

"Well…"

"Shinji!" Interruptions seemed to be the craze these days. "Already making babies, I see," Yui teased, though she was really glad Shinji had gotten over Asuka's insensitive outburst.

"Mom!"

"I would not mind having children with Ikari-kun," Rei stated seriously, albeit with a slight blush adorning her cheeks. I believe it would be most enjoyable, especially with Ikari-kun. Her blush intensified as she thought about the process.

"Rei!"

Yui just kept on laughing at Rei's words.

Laughing as they left the roof…

Laughing as they went to the children's lockers…

______________________________________________________________________________

And as they were walking in to class…

"Hahahahahaha!"

Well, let's just say many people assumed something was severely wrong with Shinji's mother.

"Mrs. Ikari, take your seat or I will have to dismiss you from the class," stated Kodama who was acting in as the Horaki's mother since the real one was out of town. Besides, a choice between going to her regular classes or to her sisters' was a no-brainer. Which reminded her…

"Hey, I gotta go to Nozumi's class now, ok?" the beauty whispered to Hikari.

"Okay, I'll see you later then." Waving goodbye, Hikari then took her own seat next to Asuka's.

The professor began the process of easing into his lesson. A very, shoot-your-brains-out-of-boredom type of lesson though everyone except for the teacher himself thought so.

"Well, let's see, all the parents are next to their children… Ah! Ayanami, you're not in your correct seat," the man stated in an authoritative tone. Rei was currently sitting next to Shinji's desk along with Yui.

"That's ok, I'm Rei's temporary guardian so she needs to sit next to me," Yui said in a split second reply of the man's inquiry.

"You are?" This question could be found coming out the mouths of three notable people: Rei, Asuka, and Shinji.

"Yep!" She just beamed a smile.

Asuka merely glanced at Rei in contempt and jealousy. Before she had the satisfaction of knowing the blue-haired girl wouldn't be near her Shinji, but now… That red-eyed slut is gonna get her hands all over my Shinji!

A quick tap from Kyoko got Asuka's attention. Her mother just looked at her and she got the message. Right, the goal is to apologize to Shinji. For some odd reason, she felt nervous about this. It may have been the nasty fish, ice cream and cheese combo her mom made this morning. It could have possibly been she had finally recognized how mean she's been to Shinji all these years…

…

…

…

…

…

Or not…

The most plausible reason for her nervousness would probably be the fact that she never had to apologize to him in school before. The only cause for it now was her and her mom's conversation they had.

"Eeep!" Looking at the source of the noise, Asuka's jealousy only grew at the scene. Rei was currently glomped onto Shinji's right arm causing him to redden considerably. Unable to do anything else, the so-called 'Red Devil' sent death glares to the blue-haired schoolgirl.

Kyoko just smiled. The scenario was going according to plan.

______________________________________________________________________________

Snoring his worries away, Shinji was unaware of many things around him. Such as the fact that the teacher was still talking about whatever he was talking about.

"And that's why marijuana is such a good drug, not that you should do it. If they weren't good I wouldn't do them either. But I'm not saying I go out and buy the stuff, nope, that's illegal. Which is also why they such legalize marijuana, though since it's illegal now, it's bad, but if you ever get a chance to vote on it. Vote on legalizing marijuana and forced exercise. I mean it is…"

Or how he was a very comfy pillow for Rei to rest her head on. Or that Asuka was burning a hole into Rei with the intense stare she had. Nope, all he was aware of was his awesome dream about piloting a massive machine. Indeed, life was good.

Apparently, Yui and Kyoko thought so as well as their grins were so wide that if they went any further they would have stabbed the people next to them. Their gaze on the clock, it was almost lunch time and the next phase would begin. Unfortunately, neither had any clue what that phase entailed as they both thought the other had planned it.

*gunshot*

I don't know why they make that the sound of the lunch bell. Was Shinji's first thought as the loud bang had woken him up. Trying to stretch his arms, he felt something on him. Rei! Gently nudging her, the girl woke up in what Shinji considered the cutest way possible. Her eyes slowly adjusting to the light, she blinked a couple times before her vision saw blue. Ikari-kun…

"Come on, baka! Let's go eat out lunch by the tree!" a certain loudmouthed girl practically yelled.

"I think I'll pass Asuka-chan," Shinji said solemnly, the hurt she had delivered still fresh in his mind. "I'm just gonna go eat up on the roof today."

"I will come with you Ikari-kun."

"Me too, Shin-chan," his mother stated while squeezing his cheek. They started off.

"Wait for me Yui-chan!" Kyoko bounded after them.

Asuka grumbled, "Fine." Why couldn't Shinji just do what she wanted? Internally sighing, she put her head up and grabbed her stuff. "Let's go Hikari, we have to make sure the baka doesn't grope Rei."

Hikari just stared at Asuka weirdly.

"Ugh… fine, we have to make sure Rei doesn't grope Shinji.

Hikari stilled stared.

"Gah… I'm going to make you pay for this Horaki… we have to make sure she doesn't grope my Shinji." Asuka was burning red now, though she just barely muttered the last part of that sentence.

Hikari smiled.

______________________________________________________________________________

Reaching the roof, Asuka was met by a scene that made her inner-self cringe in disgust as well as envy.

Shinji was sitting against the wall with Rei's head on his lap. They were taking turns feeding each other; Shinji got Rei's vegetarian dishes, while Rei got Shinji's food. Of course he made sure to remove the meat from it before giving it to her though.

Rushing over to him, Asuka almost missed seeing Yui and her mother speaking and laughing. Moving on ahead and dragging Hikari with her, Asuka got directly into Shinji's personal space.

"Hey Shinji!"

"Oh…" At seeing her, Shinji's mood worsened considerably. "Hi."

Working up her courage, Asuka reluctantly began her apology using a much softer voice than usual, "Shinji… I… I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what I said before." Her voice obtained a rougher edge suddenly. "But don't think this means anything, it just means that someday, far, I mean FAR into the future, we might get together. But for now, we're just friends." It seemed she was still unable to admit her feelings.

Shinji beamed at her apology. It was the first time she had apologized in school. "Sure Asuka, I don't mind. As long as we can still be friends."

Rei clung onto Shinji tighter. "So that means we can be together, right Ikari-kun?"

Shinji blushed at her openness. "Eh… yeah, but if you really want to, then you should stop calling me by my last name and call me by my first."

"Ok… Shinji-kun." Rei pressed into him even further causing Shinji to go tomato red.

Asuka became angrier and angrier at the sight. Grabbing Shinji, Asuka forcefully tore Rei apart from him. "Get off my Shinji!"

"But you said you wouldn't go out with him," Rei rebutted intelligently, using her rival's words against her.

"I've decided that far into the future means now." Asuka held onto Shinji as well as she could, afraid Rei would take him away from her.

"Do you even like him?"

"Of course I do! Why else would I hang around such an idiot?"

"You do not understand me. Do you like him?" Everyone on the roof was listening closely now for her admittance.

"I…Well…Erm…He…I…" Pausing, Asuka gathered her guts and pushed down her pride. "Yes, I do."

Shinji looked at the German in awe. "Really?"

"Well… yeah…"

Kyoko and Yui grinned their widest. The scenario had gone without a hitch. Operation: Get Asuka to Admit to Shinji She Likes Him was a success. Though if it failed, they always had a back-up. Operation: Get Shinji to Knock Up Rei and Marry Her. Then there was the back-up to the back-up. Operation: Marry Shinji to Kyoko. Kyoko herself was personally rooting for this one. Divorced, she saw possible hubbies everywhere, though Shinji was the best catch there was. If her daughter didn't want him, she'd take him without hesitation. She'd make sure he was always happy in every way, Kyoko thought lecherously.

Unfortunately for Shinji, he didn't know about such a plan as he was too preoccupied. The romantic scene escalated into a violent tug-of-war with Shinji's arms as the rope. The young man had his arms stretched out before, but this was just insane.

"OW! Stop it! This really hurts you know!"

Deciding to comply with his wishes, they let go only to see him disappear into the wind. All they heard was a soft voice laughing in joy about how she would finally become a woman even if Shinji was a man already.

"MARI!"

Omakes!

Numéro Un!

Operation Marry Shinji to Kyoko

"And do you, Ikari Shinji take Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu as your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do."

"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

And as soon as the priest said that, Kyoko instantly grabbed Shinji and slung him over her shoulder with reckless abandon, quickly running out of the chapel to whatever private place she could find. Cackling like a crazy maniac about how she would create a whole country with her manly Shinji-kun.

Most of the guests just face-faulted at this even though they all expected it to happen sometime. Kyoko was crazy like that.

Looking to the other guests who did not hit the ground...

Asuka was fuming and her skin literally looked like it was steaming. That's my Shinji-kun!

Ayanami merely looked on in front of her with an expressionless face. Inside though, she was pondering Kyoko's words. I thought she said it would be a country with me, her and Shinji-kun. Sighing, she stood up and decided to follow trail of destruction the crazed wife had left.

Misato was... Wait a minute... Misato wasn't in her seat.

"Ah dooo. Hehe, dooooo."

Up on the stand, a drunk Misato could be found being bound to a certain unshaven man, who was, interestingly enough, sober and grinning like he just hit the jackpot.

Pen-Pen was carefully munching on a sardine he obtained in a less than desirable way. Let's just say somewhere out there, a female penguin was very happy.

Gendo was currently reading a newspaper.

Yui smiled.

Somewhere in the distance...

"How did we get here?!" yelled an otaku with glasses, presumably Kensuke Aida.

"How am I supposed to know?!"

"You're Jesus!" Toji exclaimed. While not necessarily religious, desperate times called for desperate measures.

Sighing, Jesus decided to ignore the two idiots and started to walk across the molten lava.

"Hey! Help us or something!"

Thinking to himself, the man merely shuddered. Never piss off an already pissed off Asuka Langley Soryu. Shaking hands with Lucifer and saying good-bye, the son of God and his posse of angels made their way to the exit. They had barely finished their poker game when two boys were sent flying all the way down to the ninth level of Hell.

"Aren't you going to help us?!"

The Morning Star looked back and just chuckled.He started to go back to his duties.

"HEY!"

Author's Note: Thanks to the authors of the stories I made references to such as Strike Fiss. I forgot about the rest of the names, but I'm giving them credit anyways. If anyone knows, send me a message and I'll put in the name. Hmm… I really can't remember who I got the marijuana from… I mean the marijuana scene, yeah… marijuana scene, that's what I was talking about.