Remembering Alex Chapter 1, a law and order: svu fanfic

Author:Kristattoo

Title : Remembering Alex

Disclaimer: The characters in this story don't belong to me, yada, yada, yada. You know the drill.

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Pairing: Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot

Rating: PG to Adult depending on the chapter

Summary: Begins one year after Alex leaves in "Loss." It's possible there may be spoilers in future chapters. I really don't know.

Authors Note: As my first woman told me the morning after………. well you know, "If you talk about this in the future, and you will, be kind." Feedback is always appreciated.

Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That's what it's like for me. I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt that you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me love like that has happened only once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it.

-The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks

Prologue

Olivia's POV

Did we know that was the last time we would be skin to skin, to pour the entirety of our hearts and souls into sharing the glory? Hours spent wanting, needing, burning, begging to reach completion, all the while surrendering all we were to one another. Skin set afire from the touch of fingers, lips, and tongues. I close my eyes to return to those precious hours. I know how we touched; I can feel your lips moving down my neck, marking my skin, and claiming me as yours and yours alone. Through the haze surrounding us, I hear your voice calling me to you, commanding my eyes to meet yours, never stopping until we are drained. There is no other world; nothing can touch us here. This cocoon wrapped so tightly around the two of us pushes everything away but you and I locked together. For these moments, it is just you and I and promises of love and forever.

I have no memory of time passing; I know what we did those last few hours. I know how you touched me, how my body needed yours. I know my heart raced, and my breathing stopped. I know your arms held me to you while we peaked together. I know we wept from the beauty of so much love. I know we didn't sleep those last few hours, each hoping if we stayed awake that dawn would not appear and force the real world upon us. But of course, it did. And though we swore once again, that we would work out our differences, I don't know if either of us knew how we would actually accomplish that.

Would it have made any difference had we known that was the last time we would be together? Would we have stayed locked inside that room forever, trying to hold on to what we both knew was the most fragile of hopes and dreams.

Would it have made any difference if we had known that next night would find us on the ground, on the street, my fingers trying in vain to stop the blood pouring from your chest, the result of a barrage of bullets aimed at you? If we had known that doctors would work on you for hours, before emerging only to tell me that those bullets ended your life, what would we have done differently? What if we had known Agent Donovan would bring Elliot and I to you for minutes only, telling us you were being placed in the Witness Protection Program, the only way to save your life from further assassin's bullets? Would it have made any difference?

But you are who you are, and I knew that. It is one of the things that caused me to fall so deeply in love with you. Through everything, you always believed you were invincible; as you laughingly told me you were " Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof." Only as it turned out, you weren't.

I have no answers, and I have no regrets. I have my memories such as they are. I close my eyes and draw your arms around me. I lay in the stillness and hear you calling my name. If I can't recreate the intense full body fire we ignited in one another, I can live with that. We loved with all we had. We took until we were full. We gave until we were empty. We tried until the Gods stole away you away. My Alex, my Alexandra, the Amazing Alex Cabot, the keeper of my soul. Please Dear God, keep her safe, give her peace, and never let her forget how much she was loved by a humble public servant, who was never quite sure she was good enough for her. Please dear God, Please!!

Chapter One

Olivia's POV

As my eyes slowly open, once again, the dreams fade, and I'm back in my little apartment, on 90th and West End avenue, in the bed that I can't seem to replace. I know it cannot possibly be, but I swear I can still smell your scent on it. I've even gone as far as to shop for a new bed with a new mattress, but in the end, I couldn't replace the one you had lain on with me.

Quickly, I'm fully awake and fully aware of the reasons the nightmares have returned. It's November first. I used to love November when the summer heat has faded; the briskness of fall is in the air, and the chill of winter hasn't yet come to pass. Now though, I am dreading it with the kind of dread usually reserved for my yearly anniversaries of my mother's birthday as well as the day she died. It is difficult to think that you have been gone as long as time as we were together. The year we spent together flew quickly, but the year you have been gone, has crawled by, with each day feeling like a week. Our anniversary will pass on November 4th. Your birthday will pass on November 7th. We last made love on November 11th. You were shot, fatally I was told on November 12 th. And of course, I saw you last on November 13 th, when at your insistence, Agent Donovan brought Elliot and I to see you before you left to start a new life. A new life where you would be safe to be sure, but a new life without me, and the thousand and one questions I will never have answers for.

I know your leaving wasn't of your choosing, and in the logical part of my brain, I understand why you did, and why the leaving had to happen the way it did. But, I wonder if those brief moments haunt you as much as they haunt me. You are alive, and there are no words for my elation at having that knowledge. Still, that information leaves me with far more questions than I have answers. Not only will I never know where you are, I will never know how you are, and how you are coping. I will never know if you ever miss me, and wonder what might have happened between us. I will never know, if you are eating properly, or if you still prefer munching on and off through the day to sitting down with regular meals. I will never know if you are sleeping, or if the insomnia that so marks my life here, marks yours as well. So much, I will never know.

For tonight though, I allow myself to draw upon the memories of you and I, how we met, how we fell in love and how we came together. I know I will pay in future days for allowing this most complete recollection of the story of you and I. But for now, for these hours, I need the comfort only memories of you can bring. I need to remember… Alex.

Authors Note 1: This is unbeta'ed so any errors are mine. If anyone wants to volunteer as a beta, feel free. This is the first fic I have written not to mention posting. As my first woman told me the morning after... well you know, "If you talk about this in the future, be kind." Feedback is very much appreciated.

Authors Note: I am aware that I have switched writing from the first person in the prologue and chapter one, to writing in the third person in Chapter two. I just thought it worked better for me writing it. I tried to cover the change in the first paragraph of chapter two. If it is confusing, please let me know.

From previous chapter

Chapter two

Present Day

Holding my favorite photo of Alex, I close my eyes to usher in the memories. As they begin, I feel a smile forming on my lips, and my heart feels surprisingly light. It takes only moments to fall into those closely guarded reminiscences. I watch them as if they were movies, and the two women are merely actors reading lines in someone else's story. On the cinema screens that the inside of my eyelids have become, I see the characters in our tale. I see Olivia, and I see Alex, and I watch them as if they are strangers to me. To my eyes Olivia is far too flawed a woman, but Alex…sweet Jesus…Alex, she is always just who is she. Beautiful, sexy, completely, absolutely, unbelievably, amazing Alex. With those blue eyes I used to get lost in for what felt like days. Christ…. Alex, all that plus intelligence combined with a deep compassion that too often she hid in order to better perform her job. But on that first day, I didn't know any of that. I only knew that I felt as if I had been struck by lightning, and my life would never be the same.

September 2002

"Holy Mary, Mother of God!" walking into the station house, the words were out of Olivia's mouth before she could even think about it. From the doorway, she had seen the view that would change her life. The woman was blond, tall, and even from the rear, she had a regal bearing to her. The black designer suit she wore was without wrinkles, and fit perfectly.

Hearing Olivia's words, Elliot stopped beside his partner, looking over at her in surprise. Following her gaze to the blond, he broke out in a grin. "That's our ADA," he whispered.

"Uh?" was the only word to come from Olivia's mouth; she was still staring at the woman's ass.

"Our new ADA," Elliot repeated. "Remember, Cragen, psych evals, an ADA just for SVU, the one Cragen said wants to be DA some day?"

Just then, the woman turned around, and faced the duo that had managed to make their way to their respective desks. The view from the front side was even more arresting than the view from the rear, and it took all of Olivia's considerable self-control to not propose to the blond who was walking right to her.

"I'm Alex Cabot," she said getting right to the point. 'You're Detective Benson, or so I'm assuming."

"Yeah, Benson, yeah." Olivia took a cleansing breath. "Is there something we can do for you Ms. Cabot?"

"I just wanted to introduce myself to the detectives I hadn't met yet," the attorney answered. She removed her dark rimmed glasses and from force of habit, chewed lightly on the tip of one of the earpieces, causing Olivia to nearly hyperventilate from the sexiness of the gesture.

"In that case, Counselor," Olivia managed to get out, "If there isn't something specific at the moment, I'm afraid Elliot and I have to go- -- go…" Olivia was hoping she wasn't as flushed or as obvious as she seemed to herself.

Wearing an amused grin at Olivia's discomfort, Elliot did the noble thing and took over the conversation "The M.E. called, she has some things we need to check. Please, excuse us" he interjected as he dipped his chin in good-bye.

As Olivia turned to leave, she felt the blond's hand on her bare forearm. "I look forward to working with you Detective Benson," the ADA told the dark hair woman, with just the slyest of smiles on her face. "I hope we can work things to our mutual beneficence."

"As do I" Olivia managed to answer her, with what she hoped was a casual smile, "Please, excuse us." With that, the two detectives left the squad room.

Olivia wasn't sure how, but Elliot managed to actually make it to the sedan, before he started singsonging "Liv and Cabot sitting in a tree. K I S S I N G."

"Shut up Elliot!"

"Olivia's in looooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeee."

"Shut up Elliot!"

"First comes love, than comes marriage, then comes Liv and Cabot with a baby carriage." Elliot continued, thoroughly enjoying himself.

"One more word Elliot, and Munch is going to find out just who super glued the Joseph McCarthy figure to his desk." Much to her own surprise, Olivia managed to actually put that many words together in a sentence that made sense. Munch after all, was still raving mad about the practical joke and had sworn revenge on the perpetrator of it.

After giving her a dirty look, Elliot stopped singing although he could still be heard whistling the wedding march under his breath. He knew Olivia's threat was an idle one; she wouldn't have actually told Munch, or at least he didn't think she would. Then again, he had never seen his partner in this particular condition before. Finally stopping the whistling, he waited, sure Liv would be asking questions soon. She did not disappoint him.

Chapter 3

September 2000

Right at that exact moment, Detective Olivia Benson was loving the hell out of her life. Seated in a booth at Maloney's with the other detectives from her squad, they were celebrating one of the few good outcomes from the cases they faced day in and day out. They had worked around the clock and thanks to a tip from one of Munch's old CI's and some fast work from Olivia's favorite ADA, they had found both the missing toddler and the skell who had abducted her before he was able to harm the child. Right about now, Olivia hoped he was being introduced to the special pleasures of Rikers Island that were reserved for child molesters.

Smiling, Olivia realized that even better than being with her favorite people on earth was being with her favorite people on earth, and a rather tipsy Alex Cabot. The lawyer had taken to leaning against Olivia's shoulder at regular intervals and giggling, sending Olivia's pulse off the chart. Over the last year, Olivia's attraction to the ADA had blossomed into a full-blown crush, complete with fantasies. Although she was fairly sure the ADA remained oblivious to her feelings, Olivia thought she might have felt occasional "pings" coming from her. It wasn't the first time that Alex had joined them in a celebration, but it was the first time she had drank quite so much and been quite this friendly with Olivia. The fact that she and Elliot were the only sober one's in the group didn't bother Olivia at all. After all, someone had to be on call, and truth be told, she was kind of happy that she was, so she would be able to remember this night and the delicious sensations that sang through her body each time she felt Alex's weight leaning against her.

At the moment, the topic of conversation had deteriorated to loud declarations of when each person had "popped their cherry," in regards to crime scenes.

" So Counselor, answer a question for me?" a very drunk Munch said. "I worked with an ADA in Philly, had to call in sick for a week the first time she had to go to a crime scene," Munch continued, looking at Alex.

"Well I would Detective," Olivia heard Alex reply right before she lost her breath as the blond leaned in front of Olivia, offering Olivia a birds eye view of her rather exposed cleavage. "But you haven't asked me one," she continued, sounding for all the world as if she was making perfect sense.

"I haven't asked you what?"

Turning her head, which happened to place her face very close to Liv's chest, Alex stage whispered to her "And I thought I was drunk".

"You are drunk Alex." Olivia couldn't help grinning down at her. Deciding to help out the lawyer, she turned to Munch and said, "You didn't ask her a question. You said answer a question for me, and then didn't ask her one." Olivia was thoroughly enjoying herself.

"I didn't?"

"Nope," Alex said, still looking at Liv's chest. Finally looking up at the other women's face, Alex, continued- obviously speaking to Liv. "He's drunk."

"Yes I know he is, Alex," Olivia answered.

"Wait a minute--, I asked you what happened the first time you went to a crime scene," Munch proclaimed, slurring his words.

"Did he ask me that Liv?" Alex asked.

"Uhhhhhhhhhh, nope."

"Well, OK then. What happened the first time you went to a crime scene?" Munch finally managed to ask.

"Well, since you asked," Alex giggled, a sound to which Olivia was rapidly becoming addicted, "the answer is……….. I don't know."

"WHAT?" Exclaimed every detective around the table. "What do you mean 'you don't know'?"

"I…do…not…know!" Alex said, dragging the words out.

"You don't remember your first crime scene?" Elliot asked her, entering the conversation.

"No, I haven't been to a crime scene," Alex replied.

"What?" Again, the detectives responded in unison.

"Which part didn't you understand? Are they ALL drunk?" Alex stage whispered to Olivia.

"No Alex, just Munch," Olivia laughed.

"Hey, I'm drunk too!" spoke up Fin.

"Ok Alex," Olivia corrected herself as she snickered. "Just Munch and Fin are drunk."

"OK, if you say so Liv." Alex giggled again. "I haven't exactly been to a crime scene yet," she admitted to the group.

"But you've been working in SVU for a year," Olivia pointed out.

"Well, it just never seemed to come up." Alex admitted a little sheepishly as she finally sat up, but not before treating Olivia to one last view of her cleavage.

Before anything else could be said on the topic, both Elliot's and Olivia's cell phones rang, a sure sign that the celebration was over for the night.

Leaving the rest of the group to settle the bar bill, Elliot left Maloney's on his way to get the car, after which he would pick up Olivia so they could go on the call. As everyone stood to put on his or her coats, Munch spoke up.

"Hey Alex, you really haven't been to a crime scene?"

"No John, I really haven't been to a crime scene before" Alex answered him.

"Well, there's no time like the present you know." John was grinning, and it wasn't clear whether he was joking or not.

"Not this time." Olivia interrupted before Alex could respond.

"Why not?" John pushed the issue. Olivia glanced at Alex who was looking like she thought this was the best idea since sliced bread.

"Yeah Olivia, why not?" Alex turned to Olivia.

"Alex, not tonight, please."

"Why not?"

"I'm not taking you to a crime scene when you've been drinking." Olivia tried to explain feeling a panic rising at even the thought of Alex accompanying them.

"Hey, I'm practically sober." Alex continued to push, although she clearly wasn't practically sober. "I promise I won't get in the way or anything. I just want to go with you."

"Alex, please, don't ask me this." Olivia responded, already knowing that she had lost the argument.

Leaning into Olivia, with her mouth millimeters from the dark haired woman's ear Alex whispered, "If you take me with I'll tell you a secret." She pulled back enough that she was able to look directly into the other woman's dark eyes. "It's about you," she finished. Although she was grinning, there was seriousness in Alex's eyes that made Olivia's heart stop. "Please," Alex added in a voice only Olivia could hear.

With Alex so close that she could feel the other woman's soft breath on her face, Olivia knew without a doubt just how deeply she had fallen for the other woman. Refusing Alex's whispered request was out of the question. Putting her arm on Alex's back to steady her, she walked slowly out the door of the bar to the sedan where Elliot was sitting impatiently waiting for her. She opened the back seat of the car and helped Alex into it, even leaning in to buckle the other woman's seatbelt. Feeling Elliot's eyes on her, Olivia turned to him.

"Just don't say it Elliot. Please just don't say it."

She moved to the glove compartment of the car, pulled out a Mets cap, and put it on Alex's head.

"Put this on," she said handing her a baseball cap in what she knew was a futile attempt to kept Alex's identity from anyone who might be at the crime scene. "And stay in the car" Olivia continued with her instruction. An ADA at a crime scene was certainly common, but Alex Cabot, SVU ADA extraordinaire, appearing at a crime scene drunk as a skunk would not be good for anyone involved in this.

Chapter four

Olivia shuttered as the cold wind blew across the alley where she and the rest of the police personnel were. She had been called to the end of the closed off alley by a crime scene tech.

"There's blood here," the tech pointed out. "I think the fight started here and ended there." He finished, pointing to the middle of the alley. "The vic's nails were broken and his knuckles were bruised. I think he got in some licks against whoever did this to him. Maybe we'll get lucky and get DNA from under his nails"

"Well, good for him," Olivia responded. "But why is SVU here?"

Walking up to the pair, Elliot answered Olivia's' question. "Because whoever killed him apparently didn't appreciate him putting up a fight. "It seems our perp sliced off the vic's Johnson, and for good measure, left it in his rectum."

"Ouch." Olivia winced at the thought.

"Definitely ouch." Elliot continued, "According to Warner, he was still alive when it happened." Olivia and Elliot had just turned and started walking toward the street when they heard a woman yell loudly.

"What the fuck?" Olivia yelled, running toward the sound. Reaching the street she looked around looking for the source of the continued screaming.

"Detective!" came a voice standing next to the open dumpster. "Over here."

Moving to the dumpster Olivia stopped suddenly as she recognized the voice yelling. After taking the last two steps to the dumpster, Olivia peered inside. There, sitting amongst the boxes of discards, and the bags of garbage was Alex Cabot.

"What on earth Alex?" Were the only words Olivia could come up with.

As she saw Olivia standing there, Alex finally stopped yelling.

"They were looking in, so I thought I would help them," Alex rushed on, as she struggled to get up. "I had to stand on those boxes to see but I fell." As she was talking, one of the personnel had gotten in and was lifting Alex out of the dumpster, into Olivia's arms.

After brushing off what she could of the garbage still sticking to Alex's calf length camel hair coat, Olivia turned her head to the uniformed officer who looked as if he was trying to contain himself from bursting into laughter at the scene of front of him. Looking him straight in the eye Olivia shook her head and grinned.

"I'll give you a thousand dollars right now, if you don't put this in your report," hoping her attempt at humor would at least lighten the report that was sure to be written about the incident. She turned to a surprisingly subdued Alex and walked to the car where she settled the other woman in the backseat before returning to the scene.

"Just don't say it Elliot!" Olivia said to her laughing partner. To someone walking by, the sight of NYPD's finest laughing might have seemed wrong in the face of the reason they were there in the first place. However, the sight of the always impeccable Alex lying in a dumpster was undeniably funny.

"Look, I'll finish up here." Elliot said to Olivia. "Go ahead and take care of our fallen princess." Elliot was trying to contain the laughter but was unsuccessful. "I guess we know what happened at Cabot's first crime scene at least."

"You don't mind finishing up?" Olivia asked. "We're only a couple blocks from my apartment and I'll get her cleaned up and take her home."

"No problem" Elliot answered her. "But you get to handle Dad in the morning. Deal?"

"Deal" Olivia nodded her head. She had endured more than one of the Captains dressing downs, and knew she was in for another, but there was little she could do about it. "Thanks Elliot." She touched her partner on the arm.

"You got it bad, huh Liv?" Elliot said in a quiet voice.

Nodding her head, Olivia turned and walked to the car, where she helped Alex out of the back seat. With her arm around the blond, they walked the two blocks to where Olivia lived.

It was only a few minutes before the pair reached Olivia's apartment. Liv shuttled Alex through her bedroom to the bathroom, and started the shower for the other woman. Turning around, she saw Alex crying quietly, and her shoulders were shaking.

"It's ok Alex." Olivia said quietly, holding her gently.

"I'm sorry Olivia." Alex continued to cry. "I'm sorry." She said over and over again. "I just, I just." She repeated.

"I know, Alex."

"Cragen's going to be livid." Alex's crying had slowed to occasional sniffles.

"Nah…. His bark is worse than his bite." Olivia tried to cheer her up.

"Did I blow the crime scene?" Alex asked.

"No, everything is ok." Olivia assured her. "Jump in the shower and I'll bring some clean clothes. I'm sorry, but I think these ones are headed for the garbage."

Pulling herself upright Alex grinned, "Well, it's an expensive lesson, but a lesson nonetheless." Olivia grinned back and left the room, shutting the door behind her, although it did not latch.

Holding the cup of hot tea in one hand, and two large soft, clean towels in the other, Olivia used her hip to open the bathroom door. With the door open, she took a step into the small room, only to stop cold at the sight in front of her. The bathroom was steamy, and behind the shower curtain apparently unaware of Olivia's presence, was Alex. Her silhouette was clear and Olivia felt the air in her lungs leave in a rush. Although someone in the shower would not be able to see clearly into the bathroom, from the outside of the shower the curtain actually hid very little. Alex's back was to the showerhead as she rinsed shampoo from her hair. Olivia continued to watch as Alex turned around to face the water, before grabbing the washcloth hanging there and pouring some of Olivia's lavender shower gel on it. Knowing she should leave, Olivia could not move. The washcloth in Alex's hand moved downed her neck, and over her breasts and Olivia swore she could see Alex's nipples harden as Alex rubbed the cloth over them. Grabbing a second cloth, she poured more gel on that, before moving it down her belly, to where Alex's pubic hair would be, if she hadn't been completely shaved Her hand gracefully moved the material over both her legs before finally bringing it between her thighs. This time, Olivia clearly heard a moan from Alex's lips as she moved the cloth over her sex.

Swallowing her own moan, Olivia managed to say, "Alex, I brought you towels, and a cup of tea. I put some clothes on the bed. They will be short on you, but they will do for now."

"Liv!" Alex sounded surprised, as she stuck her head outside the shower curtain. "I'm sorry."

"No worries Alex." Olivia answered in what she hoped was not a voice that sounded as turned on as she felt. "Just come on out in the living room when you are done. I've ordered us some food. You'll feel better after you eat," she finished as she went out the door.

Sitting on the couch waiting for Alex, Olivia shook her head back and forth, trying to clear out the fog of desire she was feeling and what she finally admitted was a deep and abiding love for the other woman. She felt the want for Alex deep inside her own sex and knew she would get little sleep that night after what she had seen in the bathroom. Not knowing what to do with all the desire and love in her at that moment, she merely sat there listening to the shower, wishing that she were in there with Alex. But she wasn't, and chances were, Alex may not even remember much of this. The blond still had a large amount of alcohol left in her system.

Suddenly aware that the water had stopped, Olivia sat up straight, expecting Alex to appear any moment. When the doorbell rang, Liv grabbed the money and quickly paid the pizza boy, giving him a healthy tip for the late night delivery. After grabbing plates, diet sodas, and napkins, she set them on the coffee table along with the pizza. She walked to the bedroom door to call the blond to eat.

Standing in the doorway, Olivia stopped cold. There, lying on her side, with one arm wrapped loosely around a pillow and the other arm under her head, lay a sound asleep Alex Cabot, who also happened to be completely nude. The clothes Olivia had laid out were still on the foot of the bed apparently untouched. Leaning the side of her head against the door jam, Olivia watched Alex sleeping like a baby and felt her desire ramp up into overdrive. She could not help herself as her eyes moved to Alex's face and than slowly down her body, stopping at her breasts for a while, before continuing down lower. Moving quietly into the room, she softly pulled the covers up over Alex. Knowing there was little chance Alex would remember this; Olivia shook her head slowly at the scene in front of her. If Alex did indeed have a secret about Olivia, she would not find it out on this night. Not able to stop herself, she leaned in close to Alex's ear.

"I love you," she whispered, laying a soft kiss on the blonde's cheek. She turned after one last gentle glance at the sound asleep love of her life, who at that moment looked for all the world as innocent as a child, without a care in the world. It was a scene Detective Olivia Benson would treasure for a very, very long time.