So, this is based off of a prompt from the kink meme, but I can't find it, so I'm just putting it here. Basically, the promt is: After a large percentage of the crew get STD's, Starfleet orders Bones to conduct safe sex classes. I couldn't resist...
"With all due respect, Admiral, I don't see how this is necessary!" Bones was desperate to change his mind, sort of self-preservation.
"Doctor, would you please give me an estimate of how many crew members you have treated for venereal disease in the past month?"
"I don't-"
"Dr. McCoy. I want a number."
"Approximately one hundred and seventy," he admitted, glancing downwards with a sheepish grimace. "You've made your point. I'll start on it right away."
"Attention all crew members," Bones began, glancing at the shit-eating grin of his captain. "Posted at intervals of twenty feet in all main hallways are lists of names. Each list has a time at the top. You are to report to the sickbay at the time allotted on your list for a very important class. There will be no exceptions; attendance is mandatory." He began to take his finger off the button to end the transmission only to be stopped by Jim's wagging finger and obnoxious smirk. "The class will be on safe sex practices."
He glared at the people in the room. He'd made sure that this particular bunch was his first, so that he could get that sort of awkwardness out of the way. So, there he was, standing next to a blank screen in front of Jim, Spock, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty. It was by far the smallest class, but he figured that minimizing the distractions would be best for that particular group. After all, he knew Jim would be distraction enough.
"Okay everyone, so, I'm going to educate you all on the importance of safe sex." He stopped when he saw the captain's hand in the air, whose expression was possibly the worst attempt at feigned innocence that he had seen in his life. "Yes, Jim?"
"Would you please define what you mean by 'sex'?" Bones groaned. It was going to be a long, long session.
He answered, words dripping with irritation, "Sex – the act of copulation for enjoyment or procreation." At this, Spock stood and began walking from the room. "Wait, Spock, where are you going?"
"It seems that, as I do not participate in sexual acts, either with the intent of receiving pleasure or fathering children, I am exempt from this class." Spock began walking out of the door again. He was going to play that hand, was he? Well Bones had an ace up his sleeve.
He gave a very obvious threat. "What about your 'time of the decade'? Because that sounds like something we might cover. You might want to be here for that, you know, if we were to talk about it." At this, several heads looked between the two in confusion.
"Your point has been made. I will remain if you do not lecture on…certain aspects of my physiology." Spock seated himself again, attempting to be dignified.
"I'm sorry, I can't make any promises, but this is still mandatory. Anyway, continuing onward-" The hand was raised again. "Yes, Jim?" he ground out.
"What were you talking about? 'Time of the decade'? What's that?"
"Spock? Would you like to explain it to him?"
"I do not see how it is a viable topic for conversation."
"Well, to be honest, it could and will affect your work. It technically is viable." Bones was in the mood to take out his anger at Starfleet on someone. Spock just happened to be closest and easiest to vent on. "So, you or me?"
"I would prefer you to 'do the honors', as you might say."
"Ooh! This is going to be exciting! Spock, sex...I like the way this is going."
"Keep it in your pants, Jim. I'm not going to go into detail about this, but let me just say that every seven years, Vulcans go into a mating cycle. Spock'll have to go to New Vulcan when it hits for several days while he is under the influence of this cycle.."
"Why? Why can't he just stay here?"
"When the mating cycle, called 'pon farr', hits, he'll have to mate or die, and will be increasingly aggressive until he does so."
"Yeah...so? My question still stands. I mean, I'd take one for the team and lock us up in a room for a few days until the storm blows over."
Spock coughed. "As polite as that offer may be, it is unnecessary. May we go back to the previous conversation?"
"Good idea. So, as I was saying-"
"I've got a question. So, I'm going to need you to be more specific about this whole 'sex' thing. Are you talking about any sexual activity? Or merely the ones that result in…enjoyment, if you get my drift? Or do you mean only sexual activity that involves sexual contact? Like, say, would 'safe sex' apply to…here's a situation: let's say that I want to get it on with, uh, a friend. Who has some issues with emotions, mainly because he's of a particular species that thinks emotion's for wusses. You know those Vulcans- Oops! Did I just say that out loud? Damn, I meant to keep that little relationship a secret!" The surprised glare directed at Jim from Spock almost made Bones laugh. "So, he's a prude and all and doesn't want to touch. Well, if we had sex via a mind meld, would we still need to practice 'safe sex'?" The innocent, oblivious experssion did not convince Spock.
"I would like to state for the record that Captain Kirk and I have never thought about, wanted to, practiced, or conversed about having… intimate relations. We do not have that type of relationship."
"Now, Spock, that's downright rude! You told me, that one time, you know, when we were in your quarters and you were doing that thing with your tongue-"
"Jim, stop right there. As much as I would like to see you get your ass kicked right now, you're distracting from the lecture. To answer your question, only encounters resulting in actual sexual contact require safe sex practices. That is, the exchange of fluids or contact of sexual organs."
"Would you consider the, ahem, anus to be a sexual organ? Like, what about butt sex?" Jim was displaying the beginnings of a smirk and very pointed glances at Spock, who was just as pointedly avoiding eye contact.
"Butt sex counts as sex, Captain. So, I would like to emphasize that the sickbay is in charge of all scans and vaccines against and diseases that occur from sex. Of course, these measures are only effective if you actually bother to come in. Also, something you should keep in mind: Starfleet regulations prohibit relations between the commanding officer of a vessel and his crew. Jim." The man being referred to muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "cock-blocker". Bones took this to mean that he had just won.
"Actually, Doctor, Starfleet regulation does not prohibit such relations, only decisions made based on such relations," Spock said, then immediately regretted it. Jim began cheering, then shut down his glee with a serious look at his First Officer.
"It looks like our forbidden love is no longer forbidden. There's no need for us to still be discreet about our burning love affair."
"Please, Captain, I would greatly appreciate it if you would cease making references to your wild fantasy life. I do not understand why you insist in involving me in these delusions. It is illogical."
"Excuse me, Meester Spock, but I vould like to suggest the possibility that ze Keptin is attempting to seduce you. Eet ees a tactic I often use: act as eef you are inwolwed until you become inwolwed."
"Might I make a suggestion? This tactic seems to fail, on top of being quite illogical."
"No, you see, eet has a 86% rate of success, een my experiences."
"I'd have to agree with Chekov. It really is pretty much no-fail for getting someone into bed."
Bones shook his head. "I don't even want to know how you've had enough experience to know that it works 86% of the time. Can we focus on all the STD's you all have racked up before your dignity turns green and falls off?"
"My question for you, Doctor, ees: vhy do you care? Vhy do you prefer zhat we have out manhood intact? Eef you vould like, I am up for an examination to assure you zhat ewerything is vorking properly."
"Godammit, aren't you seventeen? You're way too young to be hitting on me."
"He's almost eighteen, technically," Kirk supplied. "Besides, that whole '18' rule is more like guidelines these days. He's plenty old enough to've gotten plenty of experience to be good in the sack."
"Oh really? Vould you like to discuss zhis after?"
Jim coughed loudly to disguise his laughter. "Sorry, despite my views, no jailbait for me. Talk to me in another couple years and I might change my mind, depending on how things go with Spock."
"There is nothing between us, Captain, let me assure you of that."
"Give it time. You'll warm up to me."
"That is unlikely, as Vulcans have a higher body temperature than humans."
Jim chuckled. "I know what you mean; you're pretty fucking hot, I must say."
"Excuse me, Doctor McCoy," Uhura piped, her tone obviously annoyed but not lacking in disdain. "Could we get back to the topic of the session, please? I have work to do, and no time to waste to watch the Captain flirt."
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well you try doing my job. Then we'll talk. But, seriously, Jim, try to keep it in your pants until we're done. Okay, does anyone have any questions regarding STD's or sexual health?" Jim raised his hand. "Dammit, Jim! We both know you don't have a question. Put your damn hand down and keep it there."
"But I do have a legitimate question! I swear!"
"Fine. But don't make me regret it."
"So, um, this is kinda personal, I guess. But, hey, we all know I'm not shy. So, my question…is it possible for your penis to be just too big?" There was a mutual exasperated sigh from McCoy and Uhura. Chekov merely looked intrigued while Scotty finished off a the flask he'd been nursing since the session started.
"Captain, I would like to point out that not only is your question highly distasteful and irrelevant, but it is highly illogical. By your phrasing, 'too big', makes your statement in reference to something else, which brings forth the question of what. Also, your word choice, 'big', is entirely non-specific. It does not indicate whether your meaning was length or width, and only the latter could actually-"
"Spock, Spock, just stop. Jim's question was-"
"An attempt to appear more sexually viable? Yes, I inferred as much. I was merely pointing out that his statement was entirely invalid."
"You know, Spock, if you want, I could show you something that would make my statement valid."
"I would be interested in that-"
"Spock, he's going to try to show you his-"
"Doctor McCoy, it is logical to listen to both sides of an issue before coming to a conclusion. It would be logically sound to listen to his appeal."
"Yeah, you know, I'll show you my appeal when we're done. Meet me in my quarters when this thing is over and I'll appeal you so hard your brain'll turn to mush."
"Dear God. Save me. You know what? This has done absolutely nothing. Starfleet can kiss my ass if it thinks I'm going to attempt to teach you nympho idiots how to not get herpes, they are sorely mistaken," Bones grumbled to no one in particular. He was done with this bullshit.
Jim stood, grinning. "Wait, so we're done here? We can go?"
"Yeah. Get your horny ass out of my sickbay. I'm done with you."
"Cool. So, Spock…let's go talk some logic."
"That sounds pleasurable, Captain."
"Yes it does. It really, really does. I believe some logic is very much in order."
"Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?" Scotty hiccupped.
They…discussed logic. Until the next morning, when Bones glimpsed a video monitor, on which Captain and First Officer left Jim's quarters in the morning. It struck him that somehow, Chekov was right.