A/N: One shot written after a tough day three years ago. Just please know, I don't condone suicide nor encourage it. Suicide is never a solution.
P.S. These five songs were on repeat so maybe that had a lot to do with it, hmmmm.
Pieces - Red, Dante's Prayer - Loreena McKennitt (mostly the beginning and end),
Breathe No More - Evanescence, Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley (the 2nd part, the woman's p.o.v),
Angel - Sarah McLachlan
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, the creator of Twilight.
...
She didn't know how long she sat there.
She didn't hear anyone that had spoken to her.
She didn't see their faces, worried and anxious and sad for her.
She didn't feel their reassuring touches, their gentle pats on her arm or shoulder.
She didn't hear, see or feel a thing.
It didn't even register that someone had turned down the lights or that everyone had left except one person.
She never met his eyes.
She refused to.
She couldn't.
She stared blankly ahead.
She didn't even realize he had moved over to her, bent down, a russet hand on her arm, whispering throaty pleas into the air.
She had no idea what he said. She couldn't hear a thing. There was a deafening roar in her ears that wouldn't go away.
She didn't blink.
When the hand grasped more firmly, giving a gentle shake, she didn't move, didn't turn her head to look at him.
She was breathing, she knew that, but just barely.
As her chest slowly moved up and then back down, the word registered. Air.
Air that was flowing freely throughout her lungs, keeping her going, alive.
She felt her throat tighten.
Alive.
No, this was the farthest thing from being alive.
No.
Not alive.
Numb.
She wanted to cry but she couldn't. The tears wouldn't come. Instead they stayed inside her chest, pushing out that air and refusing to let it back in.
Dying.
Dead.
She shivered, her first real move in hours.
The hand on her tightened almost to the point of pain. Somewhere in the deep recesses of her quiet mind, Bella was slightly surprised she felt anything. If it hadn't been for his next words, she might not have felt anything at all. Even the burning temperature of the skin to skin contact didn't faze her. She just felt cold.
Icy cold.
Dead.
"Bells, please talk to me."
Bella's eyes snapped to his dangerously. How dare he even think to utter that name? But as quickly as Bella felt the rage inside her, it disappeared, leaving nothing but exhaustion in its wake. Those dark eyes...those were his eyes.
She could feel the hole start to surge.
No.
Not yet.
She took a ragged breath and gently shook her head at the concerned eyes haunting her. Some innate knowledge left over from her "zombie" days told her she should force a smile onto her face. Some semblance of one to reassure, to comfort, but she can't.
She just can't.
She slowly begins to stand, not really sure how but she's doing it, and he follows suit.
She speaks to him, marvelling at the part of her brain controlling her voicebox for her. Where the words come from she has no idea.
"I'm fine, Seth. You can go. I'm just going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."
Seth looks uneasy, torn even, at what to do.
Bella doesn't even look at him. She can't. Not with those eyes. She keeps her own trained in front of her, focusing on the wooden coffee table rather than the bare copper chest trying to destroy her with memories.
"Bella," Only a whisper but one that threatens to be her undoing as she hears the familiar huskiness. If Bella could feel something, anything, she might feel a bit better that he chose not to repeat her nickname. But she couldn't. She would never feel anything again.
"Are you sure you're okay? I can stay-"
Bella doesn't move but Seth doesn't miss the urgency in her tone and neither does she. It sounds flat, cold, lifeless almost.
Dead.
"No, Seth. I'm fine. You can go home. Leah needs you."
She thinks she hears him sigh heavily but she can't be sure. That deafness still encapsulates her eardrums. She doesn't even know how she heard the words he had spoken when she can't hear anything else.
"Okay. But Bella, if you need anything, any time of the night, anything at all, you'll call me. Right?"
Bella doesn't answer. She's not sure she can but right on cue, her brain takes over yet again.
"Right. But, really, I'm okay, Seth. Thank you."
She feels the warm hand on her arm again, making her jerk at the touch. It's like fire to her but it's not her fire.
Seth doesn't say a word at the rejection of his touch, only nods.
The hole wants him to leave so it can consume her. And the hole makes her speak next. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Seth nods again. "Right." He lingers a minute too long, staring at her, almost willing her to look at him but she can't. She doesn't see anything right now, just dark shapes and faded colors.
Then he's gone, closing the big wooden paneled door behind him softly.
Once she hears the quiet click of the lock, Bella's feet begin to move of their own accord, dragging her from room to room and into the hallway.
Now the dark shapes are beginning to take form.
She's getting closer and closer.
She's not sure if she can do this. She's not sure she can go in there just yet.
But her feet don't listen. They stubbornly push her forward until her hand also conspires against her, gripping the knob and opening the door.
Bella feels her breaths become shorter but her heart rate remains the same. It surprises her to some degree that it's still moving. Each thump feels like a betrayal. After all, the reason it had beat so strongly in the past is gone. So why is it still going?
Simple.
It was a traitor.
She hated it for making her break her promise.
That her heart would only beat for him.
But now it was making her a liar.
Not once.
But many times per minute.
She almost wished it would stop, right then and there.
But she knew it wouldn't. Fate had never been in her corner like that.
Wasn't today enough proof of its hatred for her?
The door swings open slowly, letting the soft light spill in from the hallway. Her feet walk her in and her hand shuts the door, enveloping her and the room in darkness.
Her eyes adjust over the next minute and she sees the bed, still unmade in the haste to continue another day in the simple and easy life she had chosen. With him.
She sees the large dark shirt on the end of the bed, casually thrown after it was assessed that there was no need for one. "Come on, Bells, admit it, you want my sexy body and you love it when my shirt's off." A wag of an eyebrow had followed his case and she had no choice but to laughingly give in along with a slight smack to his arm, which earned her a nice boisterous Jacob laugh in return.
She picks it up gently and brings it to her nose.
The musky scent there makes her throat burn, her eyes coat in pain, her lungs decompress in her chest.
She lays it back down in its spot lightly and brings her shaking fingers to the hem on her shirt. She slowly lifts it up over her head and drops it to the floor. She's about to pick up his shirt and put it on, reveling in his scent left behind when a thought suddenly struck her.
Her eyes trail to the left of the shirt onto the dark red sheets strewn haphazardly about.
Unbidden and entirely without her permission, the memory plays itself in her head. Only silent flashes, though. Any more and she would shatter into pieces, never to be put back together again.
And it was true.
She would never be put back together again.
She was beyond broken.
He had made love to her here. Their bodies had come together as one, more than once in the early hours of the morning. Their copper and alabaster had mixed beautifully, covered in a splendid sheen of sweat and passion. Their fingers intertwined like their limbs.
They had been in such a rush when the alarm clock had gone off, letting them both know they were late, she hadn't had a chance to change the sheets.
She doesn't know that her body's made the decision before she has. She had removed everything, leaving her completely nude down to her underwear. She picks up the dark shirt gingerly from its place and delicately climbs into the bed.
Instead of crawling into her usual spot, she lays in his. She switches their pillows so her head lays on her own and she can grasp his firmly, snuggling it to her chest along with the shirt. She wraps herself into the sheet and buries her nose into the top of his pillow.
She closes her eyes and inhales. He overwhelms her senses and all she can see, hear, smell, feel is him. Nothing else. Just him.
She wants his scent to cling to her skin, his dried sweat to mingle with the pale white, evaporating into her so a part of him stays with her.
She needs to keep him with her.
She doesn't want to let him go.
She can't let him go.
She slowly opens her eyes to find him staring back at her, laying on his back, facing her. His smile, her smile, is brightly beaming at her and his eyes are brightly shining with the deep love he has always felt for her. His shorn hair sits perfectly on his head and the flawless planes of his face beckon to her fingers. She needs to touch him, to feel his warmth encompass her skin, to make sure he's really there.
But something tells her not to.
Not yet.
She opens her mouth to speak and a choked sob makes its way out instead.
"Jake."
He hears the strangled grief in her tone and his smile dims a little and his eyes are sad. But he doesn't say anything, doesn't make a move. His loving gaze never leaves hers.
Bella can't help herself. She knows she's dreaming but she needs him. Needs to hear his voice, feel his touch. Tears begin to slide down her cheeks. She hates them for blurring her vision slightly. She raises her hand and wipes them quickly. She needs to see him.
She sniffles quietly. She sees him turn onto his side, completely facing her, his head on his arm. She feels his hand reach up and gently cup her cheek.
The sobs break free and she can't control them. She wants to grab him and pull him into her, clinging desperately to him, never letting him go. But she stops herself out of fear if she does something so rash that he might disappear, never to return. She turns her face into his hand, letting him feel her fresh tears. She needs to feel that connection, even if it's only her wet cheek imprinting itself into his warm hand.
He begins to stroke her face tenderly, his eyes focusing on hers, willing her to understand their message. She does but she can't bring herself to say it, to think it. His smile has melted off his face leaving a concerned expression behind, his dark eyes beginning to glisten.
Her sobs were rapid in succession now, tears flowing freely.
She doesn't want him to worry, she doesn't want him in pain.
Not anymore.
She knows she's being selfish. She always had been when it came to him. She knows she shouldn't be, especially now, but she needs him a little longer.
Her sobs thankfully die down enough that she can speak to him.
"Soon."
His eyes tighten and he shakes his head emphatically.
"Yes. Jake, I need you."
Tears start to spill onto his beautiful russet cheeks and he again shakes his head.
"Please, Jake. Please." He hears the dying heart, the broken soul in her voice. She knows he does because she can, too.
He pleads with her through his eyes. But she refuses to listen.
"I-I can't."
His hand cups her chin, almost forcefully, making her look straight at him in order to get his determined meaning.
Bella's eyes water up again as she a strangled whisper makes its way through her lips.
"I'm sorry."
His eyes close and tears force their way out of his closed lids.
Bella cautiously lifts her hand to his on her cheek, covering it tenderly.
His eyes open and she breathes out a quick sigh of relief that he's still there. That she can feel his skin on hers, his warmth.
"I love you, Jake."
He smiles a miniscule version of her smile just for her, the tears never ebbing. She smiles back.
She knows.
He loves her, too.
He slowly removes his hand from underneath hers and pulls both to his lips and kisses hers. Then he lifts his hand to her face, stroking her cheek tenderly with an outstretched finger. Bella's eyes, amidst the constant besiegement of the waterfall of her grief, were reluctantly closing.
She whispers his name one more time.
"Jake."
"Bells."
Her eyes shoot open and she searches wide-eyed for the owner of that deep husky whisper.
But he is nowhere to be found.
And she is cold. So cold she's sure she must be ice.
Only his pillow and shirt are her bedfellows.
As she stares at the empty spot beside her, the grief hits.
It was just a dream.
He was gone.
Only a dream...
The hole collapsed, devastating her, roaring in its rage, its mission to consume her.
And that it did.
The sobs were loud and unbroken. She buried her face into his pillow, the tears wetting the case and her fingers gripping it for dear life.
"Jacob."
The wail escapes from her chest and the sobs follow immediately, wracking through her tiny body, making her shake and convulse with the horrifying realization.
In this very spot they had made love. They had held each other, talking of their dreams and their plans, determined to meet them together. They had discussed how many children they were going to have: her 2, 3 max; him 5, 7 max.
He had looked down at her with a serious expression.
"And we're definitely going to have a boy."
She had looked at him like he was nuts.
"Of course we'll try for a boy but-"
"No, Bells, we're going to have a boy."
"Okay, loving your optimism here but I don't want you to get upset if-"
"Bells, we're having at least one boy and that's that. End of discussion."
Bella arched an eyebrow at him and they burst into laughter.
"Why is it so important to you to have a boy?"
Jake shrugged. "I just want a boy."
He smiled down at her before kissing her nose gently.
Then his eyes lit up and the smile turned into an amused smirk.
"I am the Alpha. How strong and manly would I be if my house was overrun with a bunch of girls?"
Bella had rolled her eyes and snorted. "Sure, sure. You may be the Alpha mister, but I swear if you don't get to Charlie's by seven tonight, I'm gonna have your ass."
Jake whined. "Oh God, Bells, do we have to?"
She smacked his chest lightly. "Yes, Jacob Black, we do! It's our engagement party, you're not getting out of this one!"
Jake winced even though Bella knew she hadn't hurt him. His eyes then snapped to hers and there was definitely a humorous glint to them. Bella steeled herself for whatever he was going to throw at her.
"But Bells, you hate parties. Especially, dress up ones." That was true but neither she nor Jacob were able to get out of this. Sue and Charlie had coordinated this whole thing unbeknownst to the couple and they had invited everyone. It was only right for them to show up. And as much as Jake knew her, she knew him. He didn't hate the idea of the party and would never miss the opportunity to show her off now that she was his and only his. He just didn't want to get dressed, wearing all those clothes for that long period of time.
One glance at his eyes told her she hit the nail on the head. "Jacob, we're going and that's that. End of discussion."
He rolled his eyes and huffed when she turned his words back on him. She laughed and kissed him quickly. "What's the matter, Alpha? Don't you want people to know we're engaged?"
"They already do."
"Yeah, but this makes it official. Having second thoughts?"
She arched an eyebrow at him in playful challenge. His eyes darkened and a grin, which could only be described as a wolfish one, spread across his features. He pulled her down to her while releasing a small growl. "Never."
He kissed her and she laughed. He pulled away from her for a second and cupped her cheek, looking into her eyes. "I love you, Bells. So much."
She had smiled and then kissed him. "I love you, too, Jake." She had whispered against his lips and felt his smile widen.
And then he had kissed her, more passionately this time and held her tighter against him.
Her sobs turned into mournful wails as the memory played itself from that morning.
Bella continued this way well into the night and early morning, until she was sure she didn't have any tears left in her to spill over the man she had chosen.
Over her Jacob.
He was gone.
...
Bella had done her job at the funeral.
She didn't smile.
She didn't make conversation, thank anyone for coming or offer her condolences to his family.
She didn't cry.
She didn't swallow and she barely breathed.
She didn't even feel Charlie hug her, holding her close.
She had just been there.
As his family and friends paid their last respects to the love of her life, Bella stood there, waiting.
She didn't have it in her to embrace Billy, pat his hand comfortingly, or throw him a small smile in reassurance.
She didn't have it in her to respond to Charlie and Sue's offer to come and stay with them for a while, until she got back on her feet so she wouldn't have to stay at the house.
She didn't have it in her to hug Renee soothingly as she cried for all her daughter had lost.
She didn't have it in her to answer the millions of questions thrown at her about the circumstances surrounding Jacob's mysterious death.
She didn't have it in her to join in Paul and Jared's hatred, seeking vengeance for the evil bloodsucker who had taken their Alpha's life in a horribly fast and careless moment on Leah's part.
She didn't have it in her to squeeze Embry's hand reassuringly when he grasped hers, tears escaping his eyes before he walked away.
She didn't have it in her to place a hand on Quil's shoulder, to offer him some form of consolation as he stared out openly and almost as blankly as Bella, not saying a word.
She didn't have it in her to go up to Leah and put her arm over the girl's shoulders and pull her into a tender embrace, letting her know she wasn't to blame and all was forgiven, that Jacob had just been...Jacob. Nor did she have it in her to let Seth know everything would be okay. That she would be okay as he kept glancing between her and his sister worriedly.
She didn't have it in her to thank Emily or Kim for their support and all the food they had made for the pack over the last few days who had been patrolling her house nonstop. Their house.
She didn't have it in her to pick up Edward's texts or Alice's frantic phone calls. She ended up shutting the device off and handing it to Sam without a word. He understood and took it silently. She would never go back to them, to him. They would want to change her now, make her part of the family and she would never choose that. She would never do that to him.
Bella didn't know if she could make it through the next five minutes, never mind a vacant existence for a fathomless eternity without Jacob at her side.
Bella knew what she needed but she didn't know how to go about getting it.
They were outside Billy's house, on the lawn, celebrating Jake's short life.
Bella was under nine watchful pairs of eyes. She knew she wasn't going to get what she needed.
But, as sure as fate had been quick to tear everything away from her just a few short days ago, it now smiled kindly on her.
Bella hadn't moved much, just been on autopilot during the whole ordeal but she felt Seth stiffen next to her.
She put her hand on his arm when he began to shake, an old habit from her days with him.
"What is it?"
Shocked at hearing her voice, Seth's eyes snapped to hers and the tremors slowed but not quite stopped.
"Bloodsucker."
She heard his raspy undertone and she glanced around at the other wolves. Colin and Brady were gone. Embry and Quil were sitting side by side, both looking agitated as Sam clamped hands down on both of their shoulders. Jared and Paul were making their way to the tree line unbeknownst to the throngs of people around them. Kim and Rachel were looking worriedly after them, Rachel then turning to Kim as she burst into tears, laying her head on the other girl's shoulder as Kim patted her back. Leah was shaking uncontrollably, so much that Seth was on his feet, ready to make his way over to her.
He stopped quickly and looked down at Bella.
"Bella, I have to..."
Bella gave a brief nod.
"I know."
Seth's eyes looked at her concerned.
"Are you going to be okay until I get back?"
Bella nodded again.
Seth's eyes darkened a bit as he stared more intently at her.
"Promise?"
Bella gave him a small smile.
He knew he wouldn't get more from her and she knew she couldn't give him any more than that.
He nodded, gave her a dim-watted smile in return and then he ran towards his sister.
Embry was already there trying to calm her down.
Quil was still sitting there, seeing into nothing.
Sam was gone, off to join the pack in their pursuit.
Bella knew she had precious minutes. That she'd never get another chance.
She took one last glance at the scene before her.
Charlie was gripping Billy's shoulder in support, Sue holding his hand.
Renee was sitting at one of the tables, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief as she conversed with Embry's mom and Emily.
Phil was at another table, talking to some of Jake's friends from the reservation.
Rachel was still crying and still being held by Kim, who was crying now, too.
Claire was sitting next to Quil, holding his big hand in her small ones, tears silently dripping down his cheeks.
Embry and Seth were pushing Leah towards the tree line, her shaking even worse now. How she hadn't phased yet, Bella didn't know.
But Bella was worried about other things.
She got up slowly, making sure no one was watching her.
She could only hope that they would, could understand. And that maybe, someday, forgiveness might follow.
And then she slipped quietly away, not even a whisper of a breeze marking her movement as she passed.
...
The scene was disturbingly familiar.
The sky was dark, the waves roaring and crashing with such ferocity and anger below.
Almost the same as that day Jacob had saved her. So very long ago.
Topaz had surrounded her that day.
But now all she could see was onyx.
Deep, abiding loving onyx.
"Bells, please, don't."
A tear slid down her cheek, a small sniffle escaping her.
"Bells, don't. You know this isn't what I would want."
She saw the onyx start to glisten.
She sniffled again, the tears running down freely now. She stepped out of her shoes.
"Bells, please, I'm begging you. Don't."
She shook her head and stepped forward to the edge.
She could only whisper back to him, her need for him too strong. "I'm sorry."
She heard a sob and it wasn't hers. The onyx was blurring, mixing with water and swirling messily in front of her vision.
She closed her eyes and whispered again. "I love you, Jacob."
And with that, she jumped.
Jacob pleaded as her body went limp, giving in to the possessive water.
"Please, Bells, don't do this."
The darkness was starting to overtake her, her lids starting to close.
I'm sorry, Jacob.
"Bells..."
Water forced its way into her mouth, rushing down her throat into her lungs, flooding her body.
She heard another choked off sob.
Her eyes closed as the water pulled her down, down...
I love you.
The darkness closed around her, engulfing her, dominating her consciousness, forcing its way in.
All was black.
And then there was a light.
Small at first, a mere pinhole in the dark, letting a bright ray in.
Then the light became bigger and spread through the darkness, chasing it away, almost blinding Bella with the force of it.
A large russet hand leaned down, extending towards her. Right behind it was her smile.
Bella smiled widely in return and reached her hand up to grasp his. The warmth seeped into her body, her very soul as he lifted her to meet him.
Her sun had come to save her, to brighten her darkest day and chase the clouds away.
Her sun, her safe harbor, her Jacob had come back to her.