Bothering Tom Riddle
by ~mayzy167
at the great hall during the final battle emma rose and Dyana as a death eater enters first
Emma Rose: clears throat NOW ANNOUNCING THE GREAT AND THE TERRIBLE LORD VOLDEMORT!
Dyana: WHOOOOOT!
Togethor: "Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. He who should not be naaaamed. Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort. He's playing a dirty game!" the two shower him with confetti and rice there is a fake trumpet noise and an equally fake drum roll
Voldemort: I told you guys not to do that anymore!
Emma Rose: Hey! We made the brilliant plan that got us all in here in the first place!
Flashback to death eaters making plans
Lucius: I think that we should use Draco and my vanishing cabnet idea...
Dyana: we already did that! I swear! I have Cheese cubes with more cunning plans than you!
Emma Rose: sobbing We're gonna die!
Voldemort: We are NOT going to die! at least I'm not! like a teacher to a toddler assuring them of their skills and Lucius, that was a very good idea but we need to try something new okay? to group now, what about using the Carrow twins' idea of infiltrating the ministry, putting our own confunded minister in charge, appointing Snape as headmaster of Hogwarts, killing all mudbloods, doing a lot of other shit we REALLY don't need to do and only THEN do we go and take over Hogwarts and kill Harry Potter as well as a camera toting mudblood in the process?
Emma Rose: It's your funeral
Dyana: Your the Boss, Boss
Voldemort: I CAN HEAR YOU! WHAT DO YOU TWO THINK WE SHOULD DO?
whisper to each other
Dyana: Is Darth Vader in your speed dial?
Voldemort: No.
Dyana: dammit
whisper to each other
Emma Rose: We could...no he is much too weak...
Voldemort: we could what? Who is much too weak?
Emma Rose: Awww, You don't want to know...It's silly and you'll all laugh at me
Voldemort: I promise that your idea will be much appreciated! to death eaters right guys? they agree and I promise that I will NOT laugh at you! to death eaters and you won't either right guys? death eaters agree
Emma Rose: I don't know...
Voldemort: please?
Emma Rose: oh, all right, I'll tell you...I think we should sacrifice Draco Malfoy to the Cause...
silence
Death eaters and Voldemort: No.
Emma Rose: your funeral...
whisper to each other
Dyana: how about we dress you up as a first year Hufflepuff girl...
Voldemort: No. How about a plan that will help us kill Harry Potter?
Dyana: Voldy, that is not very nice!
Voldemort: it's not supposed to be nice! I'm the DARK LORD!
Emma Rose: All right 'man-who-let-the-boy-live', why don't you give me written summaries of your sinister plots for revenge and war.
Voldemort: No! last time I did that you corrected my spelling and gave it back to me with an F- and a "See Me After Scheming Session"!
Emma Rose: you have atrocious spelling and grammar! shudders You should have kept at it and graduated from high school!
Voldemort: Well I guess I should have probably...WAIT!...Why is there a light bulb over my head?
Dyana: I'm sorry my lord...I was trying to help you come up with an evil plan...
Voldemort: Well, Stop it! abominations to the wizarding race like you two are the reason for my doing this...
Emma Rose: You're breakin' my little heart here, o dark one.
Dyana: Why not try thinking 'happy thoughts' for once?
Voldemort: I was once just Tom Marvalo Riddle, but now...hey what are you laughing at?
Emma Rose: you were being serious?
Voldemort: YES!
Emma Rose: can I ask you a question my dark lord?
Voldemort: very well...
Emma Rose: Marvolo? What's that, a washing detergent?
Dyana: boy, did your parents hate you!
Emma Rose: I would like to make an announcement everyone! Did you know that Lord Voldemort's father was actually a muggle named Tom Riddle? Did you know that our Lord who strives for pureblood is actually a half-blood himself?
Voldemort: bangs head on table
back to present
Voldemort: You did NOT come up with that plan! the Carrows did!
Emma Rose: well we have done a lot to help out...remember our first meeting?
flashback to same meeting room covered in pink confetti, when Voldemort walks in the two jump out and yell surprise and dance the funky chicken as the other death eaters enter.
Snape: Oh great...these two...
Lily Evans: I'm out, no matter how much I support your cause Voldemort, I just can't deal with those poor excuses for witches! calling to someone offstage Hey! James Potter! I decided to get married, join the Order of the Phoenix and have a kid named Harry who gets us both killed after all! exits
Voldemort: but Lily! relents awww, screw it! We'll just kill the mudbloods too...
Dyana: who are these losers?
Emma Rose: yeah, why did you choose these guys? Why can't you manage to get more volunteers so that you might actually have some good choices?
Voldemort: what did you do to this room?
Together: we called in the Extreme Makeover Home Edition Team.
Emma Rose: that host guy is a lot shorter in person...
Dyana: you're one to talk!
Emma Rose: hey!
Belletrix: fight fight fight fight fight!
Emma Rose: OMG!
Dyana: It's his ex!
Emma Rose: didn't she get married?
Dyana: I never saw anyone stay friends after such a scandalous breakup!
Emma Rose: Voldemort?
Voldemort: WHAT?
Emma Rose: Did it hurt you when Bellatrix left you for Rudolphus?
Voldemort: WE. WERE. NEVER. TOGETHER.! I. WILL. AVADA KADAVRA YOU BOTH IF YOU EVEN GET CLOSE TO EVEN THINKING THAT AGAIN!
Emma Rose: Just asking, I'm sorry if I opened some yet unhealed wounds.
Dyana: Well! Somebody needs a little sunshine up his jumper today, wouldn't you say? Also, my friend Kavanagh should NOT be the one apologizing in this situation! It should be you Riddle! You shouldn't yell at her for asking you about something that was over and done with ages ago! Now, excuse my French, but, you are being one Moldy Voldey!
back to the present
Dyana: and we always get you stuff for Christmas.
flash to first year Tom Riddle brooding in the snow
ER and D run up panting with a present
Dyana: here...gasp...you...gasp...go
Tom: opens it to discover that it is a hideous sweater that says "Half Muggle, Half Wizard, Pure Evil"
Emma Rose: I knitted it myself!
flash to second year Tom Riddle
Emma Rose: Tom! Tom! Wait up!...I got you something!
Tom Riddle: What is it this time?
Emma Rose: It's a Diary!
flash to older tom opening the Chamber
Emma Rose: from behind whatcha doin'?
Dyana: we got ya' somethin'!
Tom: opens package to reveal a toupee
Emma Rose: You never know, you might need that someday!
flash back to present
Dyana: and all those other times?
living room
Emma Rose: Hey Voldy, come on with that popcorn! Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is on TV!
meeting room
Dyana: why don't YOU have a cool scar?
the meetings
Emma Rose: Why couldn't the Dark Mark look like something more socially acceptable?
meeting
Dyana: I taught him everything he knows.
graveyard
Emma Rose: ...Like taking candy from a baby, Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others. Stares pointedly at Voldemort
meeting
Voldemort: Behold my dark powers!
Dyana: Awwwww, look it. Voldie's got a twiggle!
meeting
Emma Rose: So I made a good behavior chart: I will award points and gold stars for good behavior and take away points and gold stars for bad behavior...at the end of the month we will see who has the most and they will get to pick a prize!
Voldemort: exasperated and confused REALLY?
Emma Rose: Hey! It worked for Super Nanny!
battle
Emma Rose: I was thinking, maybe we should switch sides Voldemort, I mean, It looks like Harry is winning and he would be an awesome ally for the Cause!
morning meeting
Emma Rose: My sir, you look particularly menacing today.
meeting
Voldemort: Clator! What did I say about the Bubblegum?
Dyana: responds with a series of huge bubbles in quick succession.
living room
Emma Rose: So, now that we have finished watching every Care Bears episode in succession, I would like you and I to tell each other which bear the other is, I'll go first, I think you're...sleepy! now you do me!
Hogwarts halls
Emma Rose: Tom...would you be my date to the Yule Ball?...
Halloween night when the potters died
Dyana: awwww! what a cute wittle baby!
Emma Rose: who just killed the dark lord only for him to rise again for a seven book and eight movie long adventure? you did! you did!
Voldemort's room
Dyana: no! NO! NO! YOU IDIOT! THE MOUTH ORGAN IS PLAYED LIKE SO!...
Meeting
Dyana arrives late
Dyana: Excuse me, sorry, what a crowd, you get some new recruits? why are you putting a finger in front of you mouth Lucius? Oh! I know why you are! Don't tell me, I know what's going on in here! Are we playing Charades? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE CHARADES! Okay! One word? shut up Voldemort and stop looking so angry, I'm trying to concentrate...rude!
Voldemort's Bedroom with a group of crying death eaters and a therapist and an empty chair in the middle.
Voldemort Enters
Voldemort: WHAT IS THIS!
Therapist: Hello Tom, This is an intervention. It was put organized by your good friends Emma Rose and Dyana Clator...look how many people came to support you!
Hallway
Dyana: P.U. Voldy! when was the last time you took a bath?
The Intervention
Emma Rose: you spend all your time trying to kill a kid and that is where all of your energy is going! Tom...You need help...please listen to us...we need you...I need you...your like a father to me and I...sob...I...sob...and I don't want to loose you!
Flash back to present
Voldemort: All right Potter, let's get it over with!
Harry Potter: slightly disturbed yes please!
Voldemort: pulls out a prewritten script and "to do list" and skips over the boring parts as he reads it allowed Get ready to die Potter...blah blah blah...I'm going to kill you...yadda yadda yadda...you son of a bitch writes a new bullet point on his to do list which he then reads allowed apologize to Snape for the son of a bitch thing I just said to Potter if that crooked nosed freak has decided to become a ghost...talk talk talk...frustratedly throws down his quil and parchmenr and sighs with agitation You know what Potter? I don't even care any more...live and do whatever you want...I can't take all this stress anymore...
Harry Potter: Yea right! takes out a bazooka Say hello to my little friend! shoots Voldemort
Dyana: Oh my god! you killed Voldemort!
Emma Rose: shaking her fist You bastard, to Dyana let's see if he's still slightly alive later, we may still be able to sacrafice someone to the Cause before Summer Solstice after all...
Dyana: yeah but...now what are we gonna do?
Emma Rose:...um...let's bother Potter!
(Stay tuned for the sequel annoying harry potter)