Summary: Clark's restless mind ponders about his role in the rise of his arch enemy, and dream and reality seem to merge and offer him a chance to discuss with Lex why he never could bring himself to actually kill his former friend. Set after the series and kinda AU. I got the idea after watching season 7 when Clark finally gives up on Lex, and this one-shot does not consider the events of seasons 8-10. Not really slash, but... Well, enjoy :)
Disclaimer: I own neither Clark nor Lex nor anything else from the Smallville universe. Awwww :/
Dream a little dream of me
The ruins of the old mansion lay in darkness, when Clark reached them, only every now and again bathed in pale moonlight when the clouds withdrew for a heartbeat. Apart from the monotonous chirping of the grasshoppers, everything was silent. No one was here – of course not. After the great fire last summer, there was nothing left to visit, and no one had bothered rebuilding the place after Lex had lost interest in his old home. Good. He wanted to be alone. He needed to sort out all of his thoughts that never had stopped haunting him.
Could he have handled things differently? Hadn't there been something, anything, he could have done to change the path his former friend had chosen? Probably not, as all of his friends would tell him again and again in an endless effort to comfort him and encourage him to move on. For some reason that seemed to be beyond his comprehension, he couldn't. Not a day had passed by since that fateful moment without him thinking about his decision to give up on Lex, his decision to break his promise to the only good part left inside the man he once had called his best friend. Everything that had happened since then, every life lost in the bloody battle between him and the resourceful billionaire had been his fault. He had been the only one with a chance at stopping Lex' evil side from taking over, had been the only thing standing between Lex and the darkness trying to envelop him.
He had failed miserably.
Clark sighed as he made his way through the debris and found one part of the mansion that hadn't been completely consumed by the raging flames; a staircase leading up to the second floor, where Lex' – and at one time Lana's – private chambers had been. Now all that was left of the elegant décor was a barren stone hallway leading to nowhere. Clark climbed up the stairs without thinking about the risk of them collapsing; even if they did, the fall wouldn't hurt him. He slowly walked towards the edge of the hallway and sat down, looking at the dark landscape in front of him. Somewhere out there were the remains of his family home, long gone. How much had happened since those blissful days out in the barn. How many friends gained, how many more lost. He could almost see himself down there, taking care of the farm on a hot summer's day, smiling unburdened as he fed the animals, repaired signs of wear and tear and helped his father with the harvest. His father... when he closed his eyes, he could still see Jonathan's bright smile that could light up an entire room. How he missed him. How he missed those days where everything hadn't been this different... this complex. Sometimes he found it hard to believe how much had changed since then. How far away that fateful day on the bridge, the one that had set things in motion, actually seemed to be.
A quiet noise startled him and he focused his concentration on the surrounding area. He hadn't expected anyone else to be here, but now he could clearly make out footsteps drawing closer. Somewhere down below him. He quickly tried to use his powers to scan the area down below, but had to find out that he couldn't. An all too familiar pain stabbed through his head like a giant needle, but ebbed away slowly as he tried to focus on it. It didn't go away, but at least it wasn't paralyzing him as much as he had feared at first.
Kryptonite.
But who knew that he was here? He tried to get up, but a calm and far too familiar voice said silently: "Don't leave on my account." While he had fought against the powers of the meteor, the one who had spoken, a man, had almost reached the top of the staircase and now entered a ray of moonlight that was reflected brightly by the baldness of his head. A slight smile curled Lex' lips, but it wasn't the kind of cruel smile Clark had grown used to see on the handsome face of his former friend. This one was kind of sad, almost melancholic, and what surprised him the most: It seemed to reflect an honest feeling of sorrow. Around his neck, Lex wore a small piece of Kryptonite that radiated a soft, green glow and was clearly the source of Clark's pain. When Lex noticed the expression of anguish on his enemy's features, he looked down at the necklace in a sudden understanding, then took it off and let it slide into a small encasing in one swift motion. The pain left as quickly as it had come and Clark's muscles tensed instinctively now that they weren't under the influence of the deadly material anymore. "No need for that", Lex assured him when he noticed the change. "I'm not here to fight."
"Then why are you here?", Clark answered in a voice as cold as he could muster. Still, he couldn't prevent the slight quiver in his tone of voice at these words. He couldn't remember when he had last been this close to his arch enemy without being in any immediate danger. And he had fought against Lex Luthor one time too many not to expect any kind of trap or hidden agenda. But then again... Lex had removed the one thing that could hurt or even kill him without as much as a hint of hesitation, so maybe... just maybe he was safe for now.
"I didn't expect anyone to be here", Lex said instead of giving him the answer he sought. "Least of all you." He took another step towards Clark, just far enough away from him to avoid entering his comfort zone, and let his gaze wander down into the valley below with the same expression of sadness that he had shown before.
"I thought you had given up on the place", Clark muttered. He wasn't sure what to make of this situation. Somehow, it felt strangely surreal, as if it wasn't more than a distant dream that would disappear as soon as he opened his eyes. Then again... The cold night air caressing his skin, the hard stone beneath him just felt too real... But what if it wasn't a dream? Then this was his chance to finally bring an end to years and years of endless struggling, years of pain and misery caused by the same man who had claimed to be his friend for such a long time. He could've reached Lex within a fraction of a second, could have snapped his neck so quickly he probably wouldn't even understand what was happening before it was too late.
But for some reason he couldn't. Never could.
I would be as low as him, Clark thought, but at the same time he knew that that wasn't the whole truth. The rest of it was buried deep inside his subconciousness, not willing to surface.
"As did I", Lex answered, leaving open whether he was talking about Clark or himself. "And yet here we are."
"You should go", Clark whispered and turned his look away from his former friend. Seeing him like this, so peaceful, so … sad... hurt him more than he could say. This wasn't the new Lex Luthor, homicidal maniac with delusions of grandeur. This was … or seemed to be … just Lex, the friend he had made a summer's day so long, long ago.
Again Lex' answer wasn't what he had hoped for. "As should you", he said quietly with a hint of a sad smile.
Clark knew that Lex was right. He should do something. Either leave as fast as possible, running away from his responsibility once more, or finally stand up to it and finish what he should have finished years ago when he still had had the chance. Here and today, fate had granted him another chance, maybe the last one – he didn't know and he didn't care. He knew as well as Lex that he couldn't do either, and so he just sat there, gazing into the darkness as if he was still alone.
Lex obviously hadn't expected him to act. Another step brought him so close that Clark could feel his body-heat, and another one close enough that he could have ripped his heart out by simply reaching out with his arm. Then his former friend finally sat down next to him on a charred rock and sighed deeply.
"How did it come this far?", he whispered. Clark hadn't looked up until now, but now he couldn't help but notice how fragile Lex' lean figure seemed. His shoulders were hanging down, seemingly dragging the rest of his body and his head with them, and every fiber of his body seemed to ooze defeat. Somehow he looked … beaten. Now Clark was sure that he had ended up in a dream; when did Lex ever reveal any other side of himself than self-confidence? But he decided to go along with it and replied softly: "If I could answer that question I think I'd feel a whole lot better."
At that Lex' smile became wider and a faint sparkle lit up his eyes; an expression Clark had almost forgotten over those last horrible years. "Do you think it could have been different?"
Another one of those questions that had haunted him ever since he had turned his back on that frightened little boy. This had to be a dream – why else would Lex be confronting him with all those thoughts that had scarred his mind? Still, they did their job well, setting Clark's thoughts in motion once again. Could I have handled things differently?, he asked himself once more that night. Could I have changed all of this? Then again – the responsibility couldn't have been his alone, could it? Lex had made his choices too, choices that had brought himself far away from his human side long ago. But it didn't change the fact that it had been Clark who had finally given up on Lex' last shred of humanity.
"I wish I knew the answer", he finally said in a flat voice. "I wish things had gone differently."
"You should kill me now while you have your chance." Lex looked at him directly at these words, the moonlight lending his eyes a more dark and mysterious quality. For a second, a tingling sensation of danger washed over Clark, warning him, telling him that he shouldn't just trust this man who had betrayed him so many times before. Whatever good he had seen inside Lex Luthor was long gone, probably dead and buried for too many years for him to even remember.
"Do you want to die?" Clark didn't know where these words came from. They weren't spoken as a threat, nor as an offering. They were mere facts, a neutral question requiring a neutral answer.
"I don't know", Lex answered in the same objective tone of voice. "Do you want me to die?"
At this, Clark's heartbeat began to accelerate. Was this really a dream? Here was a question he had never asked himself, at least not for many, many years. In a fury of revenge, yes, he would have been ready to end Lex' life here and now, but now that he was confronted directly with his arch enemy's query, he couldn't sort out his feelings. Neither to Lex nor to himself. Did he want him dead when he had hurt Lana? Without a doubt. Did he want him dead all those other times he had hurt him and others? Surely. But then again – why had he never taken the chances granted to him? Why had he kept saving the life of someone he knew to be the incarnation of evil?
Because I am not him, his inner voice answered. Because I care about human lives. No, that wasn't the whole truth. Yet again he had tried to divert from the real reason. If this dream was meant to help him to finally gain an understanding of whatever was buried in his subconsciousness, he had to be honest with himself. He had to be honest with the figment of his mind that the Lex Luthor in front of him undoubtedly was. Because I care about your life, Lex, he finally thought. Because somewhere deep inside I still hope that we can go back to the way we were.
These thoughts felt strangely relieving, as if he had finally cast off a burden that had weighed him down for longer than he cared to remember. Still, he hadn't found an answer to all of his questions, so he decided to continue the Q & A. "Why haven't you killed me, Lex?", he murmured, thinking about the necklace that could have done a lot more harm if Lex hadn't removed it. Because it's a dream, he answered to himself. He can't hurt you in a dream.
Lex smiled knowingly. "What fun would life be without you thwarting my plans all the time?" He looked better now than before, more sure of himself, more like the insane Lex Luthor he knew all too well. Clark wasn't sure he liked this turn of events. If this was a dream, it shouldn't develop like this. But then Lex' gaze darkened once again and he answered in a more hushed tone of voice: "And besides, I'd miss you, Clark."
Those were words Clark had hoped to hear for such a long time. He knew they were only wishful thinking, but still they felt good and made him return Lex' smile, his brilliantly white teeth almost glowing in the silvery light of the full moon. "I miss you too, Lex", he answered.
A few seconds went by where none of them spoke. There was no need to. For these few heartbeats, Clark could feel the warmth that had embraced him so many years ago when he had entered the manor and had been greeted by a smiling Lex with open arms, and he could see how the same emotions rushed through Lex. He felt closer now to his former friend than he had felt for far too many years, and he even considered reaching out for him, but forced himself to stop. This was a dream. Had to be a dream. What good would it do to end it by discovering that a figment of his mind would elude his touch? He could read in Lex' eyes that some of the same thoughts crossed his mind, and he could just as easily see how he brought them to an abrupt halt by pure sheer force of will. "I guess it won't be today then", Lex said in a more firm voice and stood up. He took two steps back and grasped the metal encasing that held his necklace, slowly opening it and putting it back where it belonged. Clark pondered briefly about stopping him before he could finish his action, but decided against it. If Lex had come to kill him, he could have done so without having this lengthy conversation first. And besides: He was safe home in bed and would wake up soon. So he just endured the throbbing pain the Kryptonite was causing him without as much as a flinch, though he wasn't too ungrateful when Lex increased the distance between them.
"See you soon, Clark", Lex smiled and Clark felt a twinge of pain in his heart when he noticed that the smile had turned back to the cruel, cold version that seemed to be a trademark of his arch enemy.
"See you, Lex", he replied and managed to smile despite the anguish he felt both physically and mentally. Somehow it felt like losing Lex for good once more, which should have been impossible. But as he watched his enemy's lean figure disappear in the darkness beneath him, he couldn't help but remember the thoughts he had had during their conversation. Because I care about your life, Lex. Because somewhere deep inside I still hope that we can go back to the way we were. Dream or not, that was the simple truth which had prevented him from taking serious action against his former friend for all these years. And it was the simple truth that wouldn't allow him to give up hope for all the years it would take him to bring whatever was left of Lex' good side back into the light.
He stayed inside the ruins for a little while longer, recalling every word that had been said that night, wondering when he would finally wake up. He was surprised when a drop of rain hit his forehead, quickly followed by another and another one, until he was drenched to the bone. And still widely awake. Without even realizing it, Clark's lips turned into a broad smile and he welcomed the cold rain that should have awakened him, but hadn't. There is still hope, he thought before returning home.