Lennie Wants to Be a Millionaire
by Major Houlihan
All Law and Order characters represented herein are the property of Wolf Films, NBC and MCA/Universal. Regis Philbin is his own man.
Hearty applause welcomes the viewer back from commercial break. The camera pans down upon a well-known television host sitting across from a middle-aged man, who is hunched over in a houndstooth sport jacket and clearly nervous.
REGIS: (waving an index card and flashing the camera a blinding white smile) Thank you, thank you, everyone. We are back with Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? and our contestant, Lennie Briscoe, who has just passed the $32,000 mark!
Camera pans to Lennie, who looks as if he is in front of a firing squad. Tiny beads of sweat glisten on his forehead.
REGIS: Now before we go any further, I just want to announce that my lovely wife, Joy, and I will be performing Love Letters at the wonderful San Marco Dinner Theatre in Albany next month. Certain to be a dynamic production, come out if you can. Now, Lennie... (Regis leans on his podium) I understand you're a homicide detective right here in New York City.
LENNIE: (stiffly) That's right, Regis.
REGIS: (smiling with fervor) Grand job it must be, just grand. Say, I don't suppose you can help me out with a couple of parking tickets, could you?
LENNIE: (shakes his head, anxious to get on with the game) Uh, that's really not my department, Regis. However, if you're ever murdered near my precinct, I'll be sure to catch the guy.
REGIS: (big booming smile) Comforting thought, Detective Briscoe. Now, shall we continue with Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
The crowd roars in approval, and bright floodlights canvas the studio. Lennie appears slightly alarmed from all the effects and forboding music. REGIS: Okay, here we go. Now, Lennie, you still have all your lifelines, and only four questions left to answer to win a million dollars. Are you ready?
LENNIE: (takes a deep breath) I'm ready.
REGIS: Is that your final ans--
LENNIE: (interrupting, annoyed) Yes, yes. That's my final answer.
REGIS: (unfazed by Lennie's brusque behavior) Righto. For $64,000, here is your question...
Regis pauses for dramatic effect, and Lennie, too nervous to sit still, casts him a murderous glance.
REGIS: (in a low, suspenseful voice) Which of the following Disney films featured a singing animated candle named Lumiere? Was it A) Aladdin, B) Beauty and the Beast, C) The Lion King, or D) Deep Throat?
LENNIE: (scratching his chin) Wow, that's tough. I've only seen one of those movies, and I don't remember any singing candles. I'm not big on Disney films.
REGIS: (raising his eyebrows) No kids, Lennie?
LENNIE: They're grown up now. I'm divorced.
REGIS: (wide, sneering smile) Of course you are, Lennie! In fact, your lovely ex-wife, Gloria, is here in our studio audience. Gloria, sweetheart, stand up!
Regis gestures grandly to a made-up woman in the front row of the audience in a low-cut blue dress. Lennie whirls around in his seat, aghast.
LENNIE: (nearly apoplectic) WHAT! Gloria, what are you doing here? You trying to ruin this for me?
GLORIA: (standing, hands on hips) Of course not, Lennie, I'm rooting for you. 'Cause if you win we'll be playing a new game called Who Wants to Pay More Alimony?
The crowd titters collectively and Lennie slumps in his chair.
REGIS: (eating it up) Ain't she a doll, ladies and gentlemen? Gloria Brisoe, big round of applause for her.
The audience complies.
REGIS: Now, Lennie, do you have an answer for us?
LENNIE: (shaking his head, clearly more nervous than ever before) I'll have to use one of my lifelines. I'd like to call my partner, Rey Curtis. He's got a house full of kids, he'll know this.
REGIS: Certainly, he sounds very virile. Let's wait while our friends at AT&T ring up Rey Curtis.
A pause while a ring tone fills the studio, then a click as Rey Curtis answers his cell phone.
CURTIS: (curt) Curtis.
REGIS: (jovial) Rey Curtis, this is Regis Philbin. How are you this evening?
CURTIS: (sighing heavily) I'm not fixing your parking tickets, Philbin.
REGIS: (chuckling) No, no, my friend. Your partner Lennie is on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and he needs your help to win $64,000...
LENNIE: (interrupting before Regis gets too chatty) Rey, it's Lennie. What Disney film had a singing candle in it?
CURTIS: Hey, Len. It's Beauty and the Beast, I've only seen it ten thousand times. 'Bout ready to sue Disney for all my migraines, like they couldn't come up with a character with a less irritating voice...
LENNIE: (oddly put off) Thanks, Rey. (to Regis) I guess I'll go with B.
REGIS: B?
LENNIE: B.
REGIS: (in mock disbelief) That's your final answer?
LENNIE: (suddenly unsure of himself)Y-yes?
Another pause for effect. Lennie appears ready to reach over and strangle Regis.
REGIS: Well, good, because B it is!
The crowd cheers. Lennie exhales.
REGIS: Shall we try for $128,000, Lennie?
LENNIE: Why not?
REGIS: (the corners of his mouth are touching his ears) Right-a-rooney, here we go!
More thunderous music and flashing lights. Lennie is reminded of a discotheque.
REGIS: For $128,000, Len my frien', answer me this: for which of the following films did Sam Waterston receive an Oscar nomination for Best Actor? Was it A) The Killing Fields, B) The Great Gatsby, C) September, or D) Deep Throat?
LENNIE: (puzzled) Who the hell is Sam Waterston?
REGIS: (tsk-tsking through his pearly whites) That, my friend, is a question for another game. Not this one, unfortunately. Would you like me to repeat?
LENNIE: (already fed up with having to hear Regis's voice) Oh, no! No, I guess I'll narrow it down by using my 50/50 deal thingie.
REGIS: (swaying in his chair, in love with the sound of his own voice) We can do that. So let's use the 50/50 and take away two wrong multiple choice answers.
Lennie's choices are narrowed down to A and D.
LENNIE: (nodding enthusiastically) Okay, now I know. It's A.
REGIS: A?
LENNIE: A, Regis. That's my final answer.
REGIS: (unconvinced) You're sure it's not Deep Throat?
LENNIE: (flexing his grip) I know it's not Deep Throat! C'mon, will ya!
REGIS: (chuckling some more in that oh-so-suave way that only Regis possesses) Just funnin' with you, my friend. So, your answer is A) The Killing Fields, and the answer is...A!
Riotous applause explodes in the studio. Gloria fans herself with her hand, spending the winnings in her head.
REGIS: (excited) Ya getting excited, Lennie?
LENNIE: (blandly) I'm excited, Regis.
REGIS: (bouncing in his chair) Really excited?
LENNIE: (sighing) This close to orgasm, Regis. Read the next damn question.
REGIS: (ignoring Lennie's snideness, almost bouncing off the walls) You are just two questions away from becoming a millionaire, my friend! Not to mention a few days away from an alimony suit. Here we go...
Same tense music and lights, yada yada yada.
REGIS: (dramatically) This is for half a million dollars, Detective Briscoe. On the television series Law and Order, which actor was replaced by Sam Waterston? Was it A) Jerry Orbach, B) Chris Noth, C) Michael Moriarty, or D) Harry Reems?
LENNIE: What? Again with Sam Waterston. Is he dating Kathie Lee or something?
REGIS: (teeth gritted) I'll have you know that Kathie Lee Gifford is still very happily married to Frank.
LENNIE: (rolling his eyes) I heard he just turned a hundred.
REGIS: (eyes bugging out of his head) Your answer, detective?
LENNIE: Well, to tell you true I never saw the show. But, I know it ain't Jerry Orbach 'cause he's too good for television, so he wouldn't have been on in the first place. The other guys, I ain't so sure about.
REGIS: (on pins and needles, his smile back in full force) So?
LENNIE: So...I guess I'll have to use my last lifeline for this one.
REGIS: That would be the audience vote. (to audience) Okay, people, let's let Lennie know what you think the answer is!
A moment of silence falls over the studio as the audience is polled for the correct answers. Within seconds a bar graph chart is floating on Lennie's podium.
REGIS: Well, Lennie, it looks as if 98 percent of the audience voted C. However, is that your vote? Think you can trust these guys? Do your detective instincts tell you anything?
LENNIE: (casting a dry glance back at the crowd) They seem to look certain of themselves. Though, that cameraman looks familiar. (to cameraman) Say, buddy, didn't I haul you in once?
REGIS: (waving the camera back to him with a grand, welcoming smile) Yes, folks, nothing like the work release program. Turns criminals into cinematographers. So, Lennie, your answer?
LENNIE: They seem to like C, so C it is. That's my final answer, so please, no more mindgames, Reege.
REGIS: (nodding like a robot) Ah, yes. You're anxious to get home too. (winks at camera) Just a few minutes more, Joy. Keep the wine chilled.
LENNIE: (rolling his eyes again) Ay.
REGIS: You answered C, and C it is! You just won half a million dollars!
The crowd goes wild. Gloria jumps up and down, her bosom nearly flying from the dress. Lennie wipes his brow.
REGIS: One question away from one million dollars, Len! Can you feel the excitement?
LENNIE: (strangely calm) Actually, Regis, yes. I can.
REGIS: (face reddening) Of course you can, Lennie! What kind of cold-blooded freak couldn't possibly be excited in a moment like this?
LENNIE: Well, uh...
REGIS: (several veins bobbing in his forehead) That was a rhetorical question, Lennie!
LENNIE: Oh, right.
REGIS: (calmer, but not much) Now then...(drum roll) for one million dollars, Lennie Briscoe, solve for X...
Copyright 1999 Major Houlihan