John Grey
"Will you walk with me?" The red-haired scot asked, heading out confident that John would follow without hesitation.
Such was their relationship. Jamie led, and John followed, would always follow.
The realisation that Jamie was the father of the child Willie, had not been so much of a surprise. Even from infancy, John had seen the likeness between them. The child would surely mature to be as beautiful and fully formed as his father, with his late mothers' dark locks being the only difference. Pity at that. John had scarce seen such flaming red hair before, but had the child been born with such, Jamie would have been challenged by the family.
They walked for a time, enjoying familiar silence between them and the fresh air. The land around the estate had always suited the scot, John believed. It was not so far from the Scottish Highlands in appearance. It had been enough to make Jamie feel at home and it had been part of his reasoning for placing him here, amongst other factors of necessity.
Regular walks and debates on politics, history and culture were usual for them on their quarterly meetups here – something John eagerly awaited in each session. His love for the scot had grown in the years of them becoming friends and confidantes since Ardsmuir and he felt as though he could now read Jamie's mind in times where he needed counsel. The scot was proud and rarely asked for counsel and yet today, it was evident in every line on his handsome face.
Jamie walked a step ahead as John observed him, aching to place his hand upon his shoulder to comfort him in his decision about leaving his illegitimate son, but he daren't touch him. Jamie had made it clear that he was repulsed by romantic love between men and John had vowed never to allow himself the pain of such transparency in his affections again.
"I wish to ask a favour of you." Jamie began to speak and slowed until they were in step with each other.
John clasped his hands behind his back and listened attentively, looking to Jamie's face.
"I would ask…" he hesitated, seeming nervous, "…would you look out for Willie? It would mean a great deal to me if you would spend time wae him. Serve as his father." He paused once more and turned to face John now, halting their steps.
John listened, curious as to why Jamie appeared so nervous and almost bashful – his cheeks colouring slightly as he addressed John's mouth rather than his eyes as though he couldn't make eye contact.
"In return, if you want…I would be willing to…" he fell silent and looked to John's eyes, unblinking and waiting.
John stared at him, unsure of whether he was finished what he was trying to say or ask of him, but the scot merely held his gaze for a few seconds, before he raised an eyebrow and quietened his voice, continuing.
"If you want." He finished.
John stared at him dumbly and opened his mouth to ask him his meaning, but all that came out of his mouth was a dumbed expression of confusion.
"Are you actually offering your body to me in payment for a promise to look after Willie?" He asked dumbfounded and Jamie swallowed deep in his throat, highlighting the sharp contours of his cheekbones as he did.
Jamie looked down at the ground, his discomfort prominent in his expression before he returned his attention to John's face again and replied in the affirmative.
John's heart began to pulse in his chest, his stomach sinking with emotion as he blinked and realised what was transpiring between them.
"Dear god." He uttered, needing to put some space between them.
He stepped back from him, making the scot gaze at him in anticipation. His legs suddenly felt weak and he moved over to the wall beside him and placed his hands upon it, turning his back. Jamie remained frozen to the spot, clearly awaiting his fate and John closed his eyes and huffed a surprised laugh.
It felt as though water was rushing through his brain, clouding the function of his hearing and he swallowed the taste of bile as he opened his eyes and looked down onto the stream below. All words dried up in his head and he could do little but remain standing. He felt the scot take a step closer to him in enquiry as to what his decision would be and in that moment, all he wanted to do was to jump into the stream and be free of this crippling sense of…something. He was unsure what emotion was overwhelming his senses, but he knew that it was consuming him, and he needed to remove himself.
The sound of hooves galloping in their direction drew his attention away from himself and he turned to see one of the other grooms from the estate approaching. Jamie stood to attention and clasped his hands behind his back, feigning normalcy and John cleared his throat and straightened himself.
"Beg your pardon my lord but my master wishes to speak with you." The young man advised, nodding to Jamie respectfully and John gave a sharp nod and immediately began walking back towards the house, leaving Jamie still frozen to the spot and stupefied.
In truth there had been two reasons for his visit on this occasion. As was his routine and desire, he came to visit Jamie, but he had also devised a plan to enable caring for Jamie's progeny. As he marched towards the main house, he shook his head. He had known from the moment that the scot had knelt before him, ready to be slain voluntarily, that he could never do him harm. He had fallen deep and would do anything that the scot would allow, regardless of Jamie's inability to offer him the same love and affection in return.
Watching Willie grow and become more like his father, had started his planning for an eventuality like this and he had tested his ability to act as a husband. He and Isobel had been fond of each other from their younger years and she was plain about her attraction to him. The idea of marriage and all the duties that this required to such a woman, did not turn his stomach due to their connection and the added ability to care for Jamie's child, had incurred little debate within his reasoning as to whether this was feasible. Caring for Willie would, by extension be like caring for Jamie and he had never had any qualms about making that a priority during his frequent visitations here. What he had not expected was that Jamie would so heartlessly use his feelings against him in such a manner.
He bit his tongue and proceeded with his arrangements to ask Lord Dunsany for Isobel's hand in marriage.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It was agreed. He would ask Isobel tomorrow for her hand with her father's permission. Soon it would be complete.
John moved around his room within the house, having had one bequeathed to him for the occasion of preparing for tomorrow. He was at least thankful that his quarters were large and comfortable, much more than he was accustomed to with his army quarters.
He removed his clothing, feeling exhausted by the emotional turmoil of the day and poured himself a glass of wine. As he sat down at his table, he looked out at the moon through the window. The courtyard had fallen into silence. The house rested, at peace. He sighed and drank a sip of wine, feeling the onset of his grief over his conversation with Jamie, fill his mind.
Jamie would no doubt be asleep in the stables with the other grooms. How he had thought on that, many a night when he had been unable to fight desire when thinking of the scot. The thought that Jamie should sleep on a mere hay pile, in such close quarters next to his peers. Many a night he had grasped his member and pleasured himself wishing that he could be one of those other men, so near to that mop of copper curls upon the hay – near enough to reach out and run his fingers through each fibre and breathe in the scent that was only Jamie.
Now, he felt ridiculous and weak.
He drank very rarely, but tonight it was all he could do to try and dampen the feeling of betrayal he felt. He had known and accepted Jamie's feelings, but he had always assumed that Jamie did respect him and honour the friendship they had built despite his inclinations. Clearly that was not so, otherwise the scot would never have thought so low of him in offering his body as part of an exchange.
The wine was strong and welcomed. He dripped a few drops down onto his nightshirt as he continued. Never had the lure of intricate wallpaper been such a welcome distraction from his thoughts, to the extent that he didn't hear his chamber door opening until the tell-tale click of the lock being drawn from the inside.
He startled and turned around, reaching for his sword, when he saw Jamie standing before him.
"Jamie." He uttered, and Jamie gave him a bow of the head. "What are you doing here?"
He stood up, instantly aware of his attire. He moved to his bedside and grabbed a robe, pulling it on before he turned back to his visitor.
"Forgive me, my lord." Jamie said respectfully. "I…couldna bear the thought that I'd wronged ye earlier, without being able to explain myself."
Jamie had the good sense to appear embarrassed and regretful and John studied him silently. John sat down onto his seat again and looked towards him.
"I dare say you needn't call me sir, when you are standing in my bed chamber in the middle of the night Mr Fraser." He quipped, and Jamie blushed and looked down at his feet. "Jamie." He added in a softer tone that made the scot look to him.
They looked at each other in silence, each unsure how to proceed or who should speak first. John sighed and sipped from his wine. After a moment more of silence, he motioned the scot over to join him at the table and poured a glass of wine for him as Jamie sat down across from him and took it appreciatively.
"You needn't worry about the welfare of your son. I have seen to it that he shall be cared for." John advised, avoiding Jamie's eyes as Jamie stared at him in surprise. "I shall always do so, as long as it is within my power."
"John…" Jamie began but John motioned for him to stay silent for the moment.
"I am to be married to lady Isobel and as such will be able to care for Willie as you desired." He said, and Jamie let out a breath of astonishment.
"Christ man, ye cannae do that!" Jamie said, and John looked to him sharply.
"I can. I made a trail of my capacity in London. Be assured I will make her an adequate husband. Besides there is more to a marriage than carnal love." He paused, allowing Jamie a chance to reign in whatever disagreements he may be ready to sound. "I'm also truly fond of Isobel." He added with a small smile of realisation that indeed, he would be happy with this arrangement, no matter what the core reasoning behind it was.
Jamie gave a small nod and bowed his head again, respectfully.
"Well then I have no right to think ill of you, if you mean no dishonour to the lady." Jamie gave a small smile.
"Totally not." John smiled. "And it means I will be able to care for Willie."
He looked to the scots' face and watched as tears filled Jamie's eyes. Jamie gave a nod again and swallowed down his emotion.
"I'm thankful to ye."
John nodded his head, enjoying the look of trust and thanks written all over Jamie. That was the expression that he had been so longing for. He should feel guilty in taking such pleasure in that small moment, but in truth he couldn't deny himself the sharp beating of his heart as Jamie drew him such a smile.
He looked down at his hands.
"You shall always, have my friendship. If that has any value to ye." Jamie said gently, and John smiled, still looking at his hands upon the table.
Jamie reached across and placed his hand firmly over John's and gave a squeeze. The emotion sparked by that tiny movement had John pull his hand away and stand. Jamie looked up at him in surprise and John took a deep breath and moved away from him to the window.
"It has great value indeed Mr Fraser." He said, trying to keep his posture strong and rigid.
He could tell that Jamie was watching him, afraid to move from the table. Silence fell between them again, but this time it created discomfort. After a few terse minutes, John heard Jamie sigh quietly.
"John, about earlier…"
"Do you remember when I told you I was bringing you here instead of taking you to the colonies?" John asked, still back turned. "I said that this was all I could do for you, to save you from common slavery and death."
"Aye." Jamie responded, his tone unsure of where this conversation was going.
"Then I advised that I would visit you once a quarter to check on your welfare." John said, and Jamie awaited his continuance.
He turned around to look at him.
"You sneered at that statement of intent, as I recall." He said, and Jamie looked down to his feet and clenched his jaw. "I was always unsure of whether that was due to your misapprehension that your life here would be anything but slavery to yet another English master, or whether it was that you didn't trust in my intentions."
Jamie looked up at him sharply and swallowed.
"You made your feelings clear in Ardsmuir, that my affections repulse you and I apologised for allowing you that knowledge." He paused and sighed, looking at the wallpaper patterns nearest to the window as a welcome distraction from the ache blossoming in his chest.
"I had hoped that through the years, a trust had built between us and that we can see each other as the men we really are. However, it appears that we shall never see each other on even ground."
Jamie stood up and exhaled and John looked to him, keeping his expression as straight as possible.
"I see you for the man you are. For the friend you are to me." Jamie said, pain evident on his face. "You saved my life when you dinnae have the need to and now you will protect my son."
"And yet you wounded me with your offer." John said tightly, and Jamie frowned again.
"I didnae mean to wound you, John." He said apologetically. "It's just that I…I have nothing of value to offer you for the service you do for me. Nothing but…"
"Your body." John finished for him and he caught a slight tremor in Jamie's posture as he nodded. "It's a truth that our friendship has warmed me through these difficult years, but I have never asked…" John sighed and blinked away some emotion and he saw Jamie clench his fists in response. "I would never ask anything of you that you would not give to me freely."
"I never believed that you would." Jamie defended.
"Perhaps it was foolish of me to believe that you could understand."
Jamie moved to him and clasped his shoulders firmly, squeezing slightly and John looked into his face.
"I'm sorry, John." He said, seeming pained. "Had I known that I could cause you so much pain, I would never have spoken. I have always trusted that ye were a true friend and a respectful one at that."
"Despite my damned soul." John said, and Jamie released him and took a step back stiffly.
Jamie slowly lowered himself back into his chair and put his face in his hands.
"That day I brought you here, you believed that I would come to you every quarter and take my pleasure in you as part of a debt, did you not?" John asked gently, his heart fluttering at such a show of emotion from the scot.
Jamie nodded his head.
"And you would have allowed it." He surmised, and Jamie exhaled and nodded again. "Why in god's name?" John exclaimed, kneeling before him but not touching him.
Jamie's chest began to heave slightly as he drew in sharp breaths.
"Every man has secrets they cannae bear to share with another. I beg of you not tae ask of me to explain." Jamie croaked and John raised his eyebrows as he realised what Jamie was intimating.
"When?" He asked, horrified at the thought that Jamie had been forced by a man in his company at Ardsmuir, under his nose. "Pity tell me that it was not something under my control!"
"No." Jamie raised his head and looked at him.
John held his breath.
"It was long ago, before Culloden."
John closed his eyes tightly and drew in a long-awaited breath.
"I see why you must think of me as a monster." He mumbled and Jamie grasped his hand.
"No. You are my friend."
John placed his other hand on top of Jamie's and nodded.
"John." Jamie said gently and John looked to his face. "Your decision to marry…it was of your own choosing and not on account of…me?"
John gave a small smile, but his mouth couldn't form the words to lie. It was true that he was fond of Isobel, but taking on a wife had never been of interest to him until he had begun to plan for Jamie's son. Indeed, had Jamie not found himself in such a situation then John would have preferred to have remained a bachelor indefinitely. Jamie realised what his silence was conveying and he frowned, pained and shook his head.
"I cannae ask this of you." He mumbled.
"You need not. Allow me the choice of how I honour you." John stroked Jamie's hand between his own and squeezed.
Jamie looked at him with tearful eyes.
"If this is all I can give you, then I shall and it will be enough." John added.
Jamie stared at him, unblinking and John grew somewhat embarrassed by the attention.
"Were it in my power to give ye what ye want from me..." Jamie whispered, trailing off as he shook his head.
"You need not say such things."
Jamie brought his other hand to their conjoined ones and sighed as they looked to each other.
"I will care for you until the day I die and I won't be harmed by it." John whispered, the alcohol clouding his judgement and allowing the confession.
Jamie did not retreat or frown in disgust and John gave a small smile of relief at that. It felt good to be able to proclaim his love, even if it wasn't returned.
"Thank you." He whispered and Jamie raised an eyebrow. "For allowing me to say it."
Jamie gave a nod and smiled gently.
"I fear if I could not convey to you of your importance, then it would torture me." He continued, with Jamie remaining silent. "As the thought of your virtue being robbed, shall doubtless give me sleepless nights."
Jamie stiffened slightly.
"Were it in my power I would endeavour to end the man whom damaged you so." He became pained and Jamie squeezed his hands tight.
"That liberty fell on me, John and I rightly claimed it." Jamie soothed.
"You did?" John asked and Jamie nodded.
"A man such as you, should always demand such and have to bear nothing but warm affections."
"John…" Jamie whispered, sensing John's inebriation growing.
"Were it that I were a woman…" John sighed and shook his head slightly tipsy.
Jamie got them both upright and sighed fondly, despite John's words of a carnal nature.
"The wine has gone tae yer head man." He chuckled and John smiled and nodded.
They wobbled over to John's bed and Jamie sat him down.
"I will take my leave of ye my friend, until tomorrow." Jamie smiled and John sank back into the bedclothes and closed his eyes, leaving the scot to leave as quietly as he had entered.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The next day was fruitful. Isobel accepted his hand and a festivity of congratulations began. The servants of the house, well acquainted with Lord John through his frequent visits there, were jubilant at the news and he found himself excited by their mirth and joy as though infected by it. He recalled the conversations from the night previous with a foggy clarity but felt no urgent regrets at what had been communicated between he and his scot.
The day passed in a blur and he delighted in regaling his marriage plans to young Willie, whom was best pleased at the opportunity to have a father figure of permanence. He didn't lay eyes on Jamie at all and although he felt that that may be best, he couldn't ignore the fact that his time left with his scot was finite. Jamie would leave for Scotland tomorrow and chances were they would never set eyes on one another again. It was with that thought that he wandered into the stables shortly after tea had been served in the main house.
The other grooms were tidying the stalls and preparing to have their own supper when he walked in.
"Can I help you master?" One young man in his twenties asked, stopping his attempts to brush down the mare stomping unhappily in her stall.
"Where can I find Mackenzie? I need his expertise in selecting a new mare for tomorrow." He said in his officer voice and the young man pointed to another section of the barn.
He walked through, desperately trying to avoid getting dung onto his good boots, when he saw the red flame of Jamie's hair highlighted in the light from a stall. He moved towards it, watching the shape of Jamie's muscular back as he attended to the beast within. He had never seen a man built so well. Statues had been carved of perfect, godlike beings, heralded and enshrined in museums worldwide that held no such claims on the beauty of Jamie Fraser. Even in dirty clothes and with straw in his hair, there was light about him and the lithe movements of his body.
John stopped as Jamie turned around at his approach.
"I hear congratulations are in order my lord." Jamie smiled and John nodded.
"Many thanks. Could I trouble you to join me this evening?"
Jamie raised an eyebrow and looked past him towards the young groom whom was peering through the stalls towards them.
"I need an expert opinion on a horse. I intend to purchase a new animal for lady Isobel tomorrow and I am aware of your skills in such appraisal." John removed his gloves as he spoke confidently, aware of their interloper.
Jamie nodded and smiled.
"Of course, my lord." Jamie set his brushes down and wiped his hands down his apron.
"Excellent, come to me when you are finished here and we shall plan our purchase for tomorrow."
Jamie nodded and gave a small bow as John turned and left the stables.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
This time when Jamie appeared he was not half full in the stomach of wine. Of that he was very glad. Jamie would leave tomorrow and he must ensure that he remembered every moment, every smell, every word from his mouth if they were to be the last he would record.
Jamie knocked on his door and entered at his beckoning. He stood up, smiling and welcomed him to his table once more. Offering him a glass of wine. Jamie sat gratefully and accepted the wine, raising it in a toast before imbibing.
"I wanted to thank you, for your kindness last night." John began and Jamie swallowed his mouthful and set his glass down again. "I fear I may have indulged slightly too much."
"Your conscience is clear." Jamie smiled. "On the matter of your horse…"
"Oh, let's settle that matter tomorrow. Tonight I simply wish to enjoy your company." John smiled, before adding, "And your imminent defeat."
Jamie raised an eyebrow in jest as John pulled a chess board onto the table before them.
"If this is to be our last chess game, perhaps you could try your utmost to best me on this occasion." John grinned.
"I believe I have bested you many a time, my lord." Jamie grinned in response.
"Yes, well, this last time…" John trailed off and Jamie gave a knowing smile and began to set the pieces out on the board.
This was their routine. They had played many years together and knew each other's moves well, despite that, it never grew old. They chatted and drank as they played and for all that it may seem to an outsider, they appeared like any two old friends, rejoicing in each other's companionship. As the hours passed the alcohol began to soften them and they retired to the fireplace to continue their conversations.
"I shall be glad to be back in Scotland. Although I will miss our debates." Jamie said fondly, staring into the fire.
"As shall I. I shall have to teach Willie how to play chess, so that I may have a partner." John said.
"Aye." Jamie nodded in encouragement. "A man should know how to play and to understand it's relevance to life."
"Indeed?" John chuckled. "How deep of you Mr Fraser."
Jamie chuckled and raised his glass in toast.
"I shall endeavour to teach Willie the strategies of life."
Jamie smiled but nodded a little solemnly.
"Perhaps he will grow to look upon history with a different view." Jamie said.
"How so?"
"Perhaps in time, the enemies of the past might become soldiers and honoured as such." Jamie said and John thought on that but still struggled with the idea.
He had lost so much at Culloden and in truth, despite their friendship, he still thought on the Jacobites as traitors. They had had many heated debates on the topic through the years but there was no resolution to their combined woe and loss. Still, Willie was Jamie's son and it made sense that Jamie should think on the fact that Willie would never know of his Scottish heritage or the trials of his people, whether right or wrong. That had to be a hard pill to swallow.
"When shall you leave?" John asked and Jamie sighed.
"Noon. Better not to labour it, for Willie's sake."
"Yes." John said in agreement and they fell into silence.
"I should return to the stables." Jamie said and stood up, setting his half glass of wine at his feet.
"Stay, man. Finish your wine at least and indulge me in your company a short while longer." John said hopefully and Jamie searched his face.
"It wouldna do well to have the other grooms jealous of your preference for me as an advisor." Jamie warned.
"I care not about their opinion. If we are to part ways so soon, I would see of you what I will until that time." John stated and Jamie bit his lip. "Should you not object to my company."
"No." Jamie smiled and sat back down.
They sat in comfortable silence, staring at the fire in the hearth and drinking. It felt good just to sit like this, enjoying each other's presence. The hours passed and Jamie became aware of the time.
"I best be away." He announced and John gave a simple nod of reluctant agreement.
"Yes." John stood with him and they moved towards the door. "Sleep well, Jamie." He said, reaching out to embrace him when he stopped himself.
Jamie paused, looking at him as though unsure what to do and John huffed in embarrassment at his natural reaction.
"Forgive me, I seem to have reached my limit again." He apologised and Jamie gave a smile.
Jamie paused for a minute, seemingly pondering when he reached out and embraced him. John wrapped his arms around him, startled but happy and held him, closing his eyes. They stayed in that position for a few moments and John stroked his hand down Jamie's back, sensing some other emotion rolling through the scot. Jamie trembled. John held him in concern now. Perhaps the conclusion of all that happened to him in the past few years was being realised in this embrace. After all, Jamie had had physical affection from no one in years, save from the late mistress Dunsaney and even that occurrence was doubtless due to coercion. John cleared his throat as Jamie separated their embrace.
"Farewell Jamie." He tried to make his voice sound normal, rather than desperately grieved at their parting.
"Tell me John." Jamie said softly, pausing. "This, what you feel for me physically, I dinnae understand it."
John stared at him in surprise at such an intimate question.
"I have never understood the lure of another man, yet I can see that it causes ye pain around me now."
John was stupefied and unsure how to respond, so Jamie continued, blushing as he tried to explain himself.
"What I mean to ask is, what is it in me, that makes you feel this way?" Jamie asked gently, truly seeking understanding.
"I have never felt an attraction to a woman, to compare for you." John said frowning and measuring his words carefully.
Jamie blinked trying to understand as John continued.
"The…shape of a woman has never caught my interest. I prefer the workings of parts that I have knowledge over, of what is known to me."
Jamie gave a nod as though he could somewhat contemplate that.
"And you dinnae mind that in order to bed a man, you must…" Jamie mumbled, raising an eyebrow indicating the action of having to breach a man in the anus.
"No." John answered.
Jamie's eyes unfocussed as he tried to understand.
"It doesna seem right to have to cause such pain to take your pleasure." Jamie mumbled to himself, recalling the painful torture of being breached by Randall. "You would enter where nothing should."
"There should be no pain, when care is taken." John said and Jamie raised his eyebrows.
Each time Randall had taken him, it had hurt and he couldn't imagine it otherwise. That part of the body was not designed for such.
"When force is used, then yes, it would be greatly painful and damaging, but that is not my desire, nor my experience."
"You have been…taken then?" Jamie raised an eyebrow and John chuckled.
"It is my preference."
"You? You prefer to be…" Jamie stumbled over his words and John smiled in mirth this time. "Why?"
Jamie's eyes were wide and curious and John chuckled to himself.
"When making love and done with care, it is…a most profound experience."
Jamie swallowed hard and put his hands on his hips.
"Forgive me, I invoke memory in you that I shouldn't." John said regretfully, pained at the thought of what could have happened to his scot.
Jamie fell into contemplation for a few seconds.
"It's been a long while." He gave a small smile and John's heart broke for him.
"I cannot bear the thought of you forced." John whispered.
Jamie gave a small smile of appreciation and an exhale.
"I believed for a long time that men with inclinations towards other men were…similar in their approach to achieving their own pleasure." Jamie cleared his throat. "But, I see how I have wronged you with that assumption."
John felt his heart swell at his words and he found himself speechless.
"If there is ever anything that I can do for ye…" Jamie offered and John searched his eyes.
"There is one thing I might ask of you."
Jamie nodded and awaited his request, albeit with a hint of nerves in his eyes.
"May I…touch your hair?" John asked and Jamie blinked in confusion and frowned. "Such red hair."
Jamie chuckled at that. He was well accustomed to the effect that his hair had on people. He had experienced many a woman wishing to touch his curls, including that of his jealous sister Jenny, whom believed that such hair was wasted on a man. He smiled and nodded, tilting his head before him.
John smiled in awe and threaded his fingers through his hair lovingly. Each curl felt as smooth as he had imagined they might be and as full of flame as they looked in the sun. Such a colour! He leaned towards Jamie's head, inhaling. The smell of Jamie was strongest there and it more than matched up to his desire-ridden fantasies of it.
Jamie seemed calm and restful during his ministrations and he relaxed, happy that he had captured enough of his brave scot to hold in his memory and keep him warm for the foreseeable future without Jamie around. He may never see the scot again, but that pain wasn't something he was ready to bear up to as yet.
He leaned the rest of the distance in towards Jamie's head until he could press his lips to his crown. Jamie stiffened in surprise but didn't protest and John inhaled his skin and pressed a kiss of profound love with every fibre of his being. He drew back after a moment and waited for Jamie to move, but he didn't. He ran his fingers into the red curls once more and waited.
Jamie raised his head and looked at him with a strange expression on his face and John removed his hands from his hair and awaited an act of violence. Perhaps a kiss to his head had been a step too far?
Jamie raised himself up until their faces were level and seemed to scrutinise John's face for a moment. John opened his mouth to apologise, when Jamie brought their faces closer together. He held his breath and Jamie hovered for a second, raising one hand to caress one side of John's cheek.
John held still as his heart thundered. He daren't move or breathe for fear of breaking the spell. The touch felt full of warmth and affection and John could only hold himself back for a second before he sighed in grief.
"Do not mock me." He whispered.
"I mean no such insult." Jamie whispered.
"Do not stir my feelings any longer Jamie." He sighed. "I have no capacity to fight them right now."
Jamie sighed.
"I cannae give you my heart, for it belongs to another, but I can give you this." Jamie stroked John's cheek gently and John closed his eyes and revelled in the intimacy of it.
"In payment." John shook his head sadly.
"No, as a demonstration of my trust in ye." Jamie said and John looked at him confused. "I trust ye with my virtue as much as that of my son. I should never have doubted ye John and I never will again. I trust that ye willna take advantage of anyone who doesna want ye."
John stared at him startled at his words and Jamie gave a small smile. After a moment John bowed his head to him as a gesture of honouring the transference of fatherly duty from one to the other and also so that he may hide the glistening of his eyes.
"Have you ever wanted someone you could never have, but rejoiced in the ability to bear it?" John asked and Jamie looked away, pondering upon his own memories of when Claire had not yet been his wife.
"Aye." He answered with a smile.
"It's almost a gift." John said and Jamie nodded in agreement. "It's as you once said, that the greatest burden lies in caring for those we cannot help, not in having no one for whom to care. Caring for you, is no real burden to me."
"Aye?" Jamie asked, his eyes growing soft at John's obvious words of love.
"For a long time after Culloden I didn't believe such depth of feeling was possible in me any longer. But you have restored it to me." John smiled appreciatively. "I shall never regret our friendship."
Jamie nodded silently, still holding John's face in one hand. John exhaled, unable to hold back the expression of love written plainly all over his face and Jamie blinked for a second before leaning their faces together and placing his lips upon John's. John held still again in disbelief, but Jamie slid his remaining hand around to hold him lightly and he couldn't hold himself back any longer. He gave his mouth to Jamie wholeheartedly, trying to pour every ounce of love into their connection and Jamie opened his lips and deepened the kiss slowly.
John felt as though he was falling through space. He couldn't believe this was happening and as the kiss continued in its sweet gentleness, he held the scot against his body and wilted against him. Jamie's mouth was as he'd imagined, strong and full in the lips but tender and searching. John allowed himself to get lost in the moment, stroking his hands up Jamie's muscular back and becoming hard in his breeches at the heat coming from his scots body.
Jamie slowed their kiss, controlling it and broke their mouths apart. He rested their foreheads together as they both breathed and John in his sudden desperation not to have the moment end, held Jamie to him in a squeeze and closed his eyes in a frown. Only when he felt Jamie's breathing change a little, did he realise as to the reason.
He removed his hold from him, aware of his hardness and the fact that at this close proximity he would have been pressing upon the groin of the scot also. Jamie searched his face and allowed John to move away from him a little unsteady on his feet, to his bedside, where he sat down and tried to disguise his hardness from him. Jamie smirked a little at the attempt. There was no chance of hiding what was clear as day through britches, but he appreciated John's attempt.
A few moments passed in silence.
"I always assumed that in your wanting, you would want to have me, just as he did." Jamie pondered out loud and John looked to him, unsure how to react to Jamie's memory of his rape alongside their current discussion. "But that's not what you desire?"
John swallowed a lump in his throat and frowned at him anxiously. Jamie's eyes were wide and open, awaiting honesty and John cleared his throat and nodded.
Jamie gave a small nod and seemed to ponder on that. John realised at that moment what the scot was considering and he gazed at him in disbelief. Jamie looked around the room, deliberating and nodded to himself again.
"I can give that to ye John." Jamie said finally and John's mouth fell open in astonishment.
"What?" He croaked.
"Not as a payment but as…a goodbye." Jamie said straight-faced. "I cannae promise ye that I will be able to please ye, but I will try."
"Jamie have you lost your senses?" John whispered. "Do you understand what you are saying?"
Jamie seemed to deliberate before answering and swallowed a large lump in his throat.
"Aye. Like I said I canna promise I can make it good for ye…but I can try."
John stood up, his expression torn between heartbreak and desire and Jamie held his ground as though they were both preparing for a battle.
"You are taking a wife, on account of my son, that ye wouldna have. I know you're doing that for me. I can give you some of what you want from me tonight, if you still want it."
John put his face in his hands and exhaled, only looking to him when he heard some anxiety enter into Jamie's breathing.
"But I have to do this my way." Jamie said.
John searched his face and nodded. Jamie gave a slightly relieved nod that John seemed to understand his need to be able to control all, especially after his other experience with a man.
The reality of what was going to occur dawned on John at this point and he felt himself grow hot and embarrassed, flushing from neck to forehead. How were they to begin?
Jamie looked at him, equally unsure and John looked to Jamie's britches.
"I dinna ken how to start." He admitted.
"Would you allow me to be of assistance?" John asked, his heart beating in his throat as he spoke and Jamie's eyes widened a little in fear, but then softened when John made no movements.
"Aye." The scot croaked and cleared his throat.
John gestured for Jamie to sit down on the bed and the scot moved there and sat down a little stiff with tension. John knelt on the floor between his thighs and Jamie swallowed and looked to him nervously.
"Jamie, you don't owe me anything, certainly not this." John reminded.
Jamie was silent but gave a small nod.
"I want tae do this for you John. Please…let me." Jamie asked and John sighed a little unsure, but nodded when Jamie undid his britches.
"May I touch you?" John asked and Jamie nodded.
He reached into his britches and pulled out Jamie's soft manhood. Jamie trembled a little upon the touch and John searched his face again for permission.
"I will do only what you allow me." John said and Jamie's expression seemed to straighten. "May you cut my throat should I harm you in any way."
Jamie softened his posture and gave a small smile.
"I trust ye."
"May I taste you?" John asked and Jamie nodded, his pupils dilating in want of the soft touch.
John began then, kissing and nudging the tender flesh with his nose and inhaling the scent of Jamie at its centre. He had longed to touch him like this for years and he wouldn't waste this opportunity. He used his mouth and tongue to rouse and please him, earning small gasps and a growing hardness in his mouth.
As minutes passed, he felt Jamie begin to move into him encouragingly and he considered how happy he would be should this be all the scot would permit of the evening. He cared for Jamie's flesh with tenderness and love, giving the deepest kisses he could manage and heard Jamie sigh as he began to release his seed. John gladly relieved him of it and was rewarded with the touch of Jamie's fingers carding through his hair affectionately.
Once he was composed and had wiped his mouth on his sleeve he looked up at Jamie with a look of love and adoration for what the scot had allowed. Jamie had his eyes closed and was breathing slowly.
"If I am to ask of you to please me…" John began and Jamie opened his eyes and looked at him, "…it would be that you would allow me to please you, to give you pleasure."
Jamie blinked at him.
"Allow me to give you solace." He added and Jamie licked his lips and blinked again. "You can have me any way you wish Jamie, or not at all. There are other ways I can please you, without that."
"Don't you…want me inside?" Jamie asked, confused.
"Desperately, but I will not rouse in you memory of before." John warned and Jamie placed his hand upon John's cheek.
"Ye are not him."
"But if the idea of it causes you pain or disgust then I shall be pleased with no more. I simply want to make you feel loved." John said honestly.
"What kind of man ye are under God, I dinna ken, but I dinnae feel disgust at the thought of taking ye. Perhaps for that I will burn."
"If God is willing to burn those who commit an act such as this, through trust and honour, then I can't imagine it would leave him much time to punish the wicked and evil among men." John gave a smirk as he spoke and Jamie mirrored him and chuckled under his breath.
"Perhaps you're right my friend. Besides, I am already damned in his eyes." Jamie said, thinking on how many men he had slain.
"If you are willing, I would have you take me in any way you want and we may never speak of it again."
Jamie nodded.
John felt his cheeks aflame with want and he stood and moved to his bedside. It had been so long since he had been with another man that he had no oil in his satchel. He looked around the room for something he could use as Jamie watched him. He settled on the oil from the lamp, dipping his fingers into it and feeling the warmth of it due to the flame. Jamie appeared a little unsure as to what he was doing but blinked in realisation when John moved to him and applied the oil onto Jamie's semi erect member.
"Will that be enough not to harm ye?" he asked and John smirked and sat back, undoing his own britches now.
Jamie watched as John reached behind and began to prepare himself for entry. John closed his eyes, feeling slightly embarrassed at the audience, but determined to prepare himself well enough to avoid any bleeding. Should Jamie believe that he may be in pain, he would doubtless stop and John wanted him to achieve his end inside of him.
He worked quickly, breathing into the movements of his fingers until he felt as though he could accommodate Jamie's considerable size. Jamie remained silent throughout, but attentive. Finally John looked to him and rose onto his feet, pulling his trousers down and off to display himself and his keenness. Jamie looked to his manhood and swallowed, no doubt feeling anxiety and lack of interest in another man's organ.
"Would you like me to stand with my back to you?" John asked and Jamie looked to his face.
"Is that how you would like me to…" Jamie's words caught in his throat.
"Jamie, we can stop." John offered and Jamie clenched his jaw and stood up, stroking himself into hardness.
He turned John towards the bedpost and John obligingly held on and parted his legs, bracing himself and waiting. Jamie's breath was coming in short bursts and John feared he may decide that he couldn't do this at any moment. He opened his mouth to forgive such an occurrence when he felt Jamie begin to breach him.
He gasped and arched his back slightly and Jamie paused unsure.
"Don't worry. I don't hurt." He encouraged and felt Jamie begin to slide the rest of the way in.
Once seated within him, Jamie paused and reached his hand out to stroke up John's side. John exhaled and made a small moan of encouragement. Jamie seemed shy and it was a surprise.
"Move, please." John whispered after a moment and Jamie began.
Jamie was large and he was glad of that, glad to feel his every cell being overpowered by the scot. He couldn't contain his desire and panted and moved into him to help their rhythm. He could hear Jamie's breath catching as he felt pleasure and it made him feel so victorious and happy that he pushed for more. He wanted to feel owned by Jamie, by Jamie's cock and so he leaned back into Jamie's body and demanded more depth, to which the scot replied with just that.
Their bodies collided and danced, as though they were acting out a pattern they'd danced many times before and John reached behind and grabbed the scots hips, pulling him in as deep as they could connect, cupping the muscular flesh of Jamie's behind as he did so.
"Yes, yes…Jamie…" he began to drool as he felt himself reaching his peak.
The scot leaned his face into John's neck and began to pant furiously as he also began to near his end. Together they clung to each other and enjoyed their sin until they both tightened their holds on each other in pleasure and spilled their seed. John milked himself as he felt Jamie's seed enter him and Jamie collapsed against him, pushing him further into the bed post as he withered from the high.
They caught their breath, still linked together and John couldn't contain his smile as he moaned in satisfaction. After a few moments, Jamie withdrew from him and they both re-dressed. John felt as high as a kite, unable to bring himself back down to earth as he looked at his scot lovingly. This was a moment he would remember forever.
When they were suitably attired once more, they turned to each other.
"Farewell Jamie. May you get what you desire from life." John said and Jamie gave a courteous nod.
"And you, my lord."
They bowed to each other and smiled. Jamie then turned and left the room, closing the door behind him as John sat down on the bed and closed his eyes, printing all that had occurred onto his mind so that he may never forget and always be thankful.