Title: Leave it to Deidara
Pairing: ...come on, what do you think?
Genres: Humor
Rating: PG-13, just to be safe. ;
Summary: Akatsuki centric Uchiha Itachi, an aspiring novelist under the pseudonym Kumori Arashi (there's no money to be made in Akatsuki), writes the story that's on everybody's mind. Who could ever have figured the organization would be so helpful?
Warnings: OOC, maybe... Way too much Deidara, for sure! ;
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN NARUTO
Itachi put down the pen and reread the last two lines. Dissatisfied, he crossed them out. The words wouldn't come out, and he had a deadline to make! How could he not have ideas? He was in his thinking pose, laid flat on his bed with one leg bent, calf resting on thigh.
Frustrated, he thought of all the feelings that had compelled him to kill the Uchiha clan.
Hatred, he wrote. Anger, superiority, alienation. Every Uchiha is born harboring these feelings, even if they have yet to surface. Every dream that you have and everything that you ever hope to achieve is all thrown away for the desires of the clan.
Itachi hid the notepad under his pillow as his senses registered another presence. Kisame, followed by Deidara, stopped inside the door frame; a common courtesy in the cramped Akatsuki headquarters. As there was no money in being a member of Akatsuki--although there were great health benefits--they had to share rooms. The room Itachi was currently in was one he shared with the shark-like Kisame.
"Itachi-san," said Kisame. "Deidara-san and Sasori-san are going to look for their Jinchuuriki. Say goodbye..."
"Sayonara... un," Deidara added, blond as ever.
Itachi blinked; they'd stopped one of his rare creative flows for that?
"Sayonara..." His fingers itched for the pen and the hidden notepad. Would they just leave already? They were cramping his creative spirit! Deidara, of all people, should have understood; literature was "art. Un."
Said artist promptly took his leave; his partner Sasori was impatient, and would probably kill Deidara if he took any longer. Kisame stayed in the door way.
"Are you okay, Itachi-san?"
Itachi's thumb, touching the pen underneath the pillow, twitched in agitation. "I am fine." Kisame was not sure if he believed him, but he never could tell with Itachi.
"I see. Well... I'll be back later to sleep."
As soon as Kisame was completely gone from view, Itachi once again pulled out the pen and the notebook. Kisame usually went to sleep around eleven, and it was currently four. Could he write as he wished for seven hours straight? If nothing exciting happened... he could.
But Itachi could not keep track of the days (of all the things Akatsuki lacked, it was a calendar), and he was oblivious as to whose birthday it was...
"He's not going to come," Kisame said, arms crossed.
"He'll come," Deidara insisted, equally stubborn.
"What makes you think that?" Kisame asked, annoyed.
"He has to eat sometime. Un," he replied wickedly.
"You're an idiot," Sasori said, sounding bored. It was hard to tell (his puppet's face pretty much always had the same expression), but Deidara could swear Sasori was glaring.
"Are you saying Itachi-san doesn't eat?"
Kisame slammed his forehead with the butt of his palm. Why was planning for Itachi's birthday left to Deidara?
But the truth is, I did it for your sake, little brother. Itachi chewed on the tip of the pen as he thought of his next sentence. Not one of us save for me understood the brilliance of what I have done, least of all you.
And as the person closest to my heart, I'd hoped it would be so. If you are ever to become any stronger and reach your full potential, you will only be able to do so out of hatred of me, the one who destroyed you.
Because without me, you are simply too weak.
Two and a half hours later, Itachi still had not emerged from the room he shared with Kisame.
"He must be getting hungry...!"
"I'm going to bed," Sasori said irritably. "If you disturb, me, I will kill---"
"No! Danna has to stay! Un!"
"Okay, break it up, ladies..."
There's no way around it; I am the reason you get up every morning. I am the reason you continue to live, even when you feel like giving up. Please just try and tell me that without me, you would be as strong as you are.
Then why you are still so weak?
The answer is obvious: I told you to hate me, and, no matter what you tell yourself, you do not.
Itachi almost felt bad writing this. But Sasuke would never learn unless Itachi continued to hurt him.
You will never reach your potential unless I intervene and push you along. You are far too comfortable with being mediocre, so long as there are other people to dwell with you in your pathetic mediocrity.
Itachi cringed as his stomach began to growl; apparently, other forces besides Deidara could disturb his literary achievements. He tucked the notebook and pen under his blankets securely, making sure they couldn't be seen through the sheets. He casually left the room, careful not to raise any suspicions that he was up to something.
He stalked into the kitchens, stomach screaming for nutrition. He pushed the door open gently, completely unprepared for what he was about to see. Two dark eyes met his as the door moved.
"Sasuke..!" What was his little brother doing in Akatsuki headquarters!
And then Sasuke exploded.
"Happy Birthday, Itachi-san!"
Itachi was bursting with anger. At that particular moment, he despised humankind, especially those of Akatsuki. Not only had they remembered his eighteenth birthday when Itachi himself had not, but one of them (Deidara, he suspected) had constructed an life-size, exploding Sasuke doll.
"Who is responsible for this," he said evenly, eyes betraying his true feelings.
"It was Deidara!" Kisame and Sasori answered in unison.
"He made the---where'd he go?"
"What."
"That little shit," cursed Sasori, sounding bored. "He left us to face the wrath of Itachi-san."
"Where is he!" Itachi hissed.
"He said he was going to get you," Kisame offered.
Itachi's eyes widened. Deidara was going to get him... Going to his room to get him...
To his room where his notebook containing his story was hidden...
Itachi swore loudly as he gathered up his robes and sprinted back to his room, Kisame and Sasori in tow.
Deidara eagerly scanned the pages, taking the occasional picture with his left eye's camera. "This is spectacular! Un!" he exclaimed before he could stop himself. "I never imagined that Itachi no danna was so brilliant!"
The thumps of several running feet sounded in the halls, and Deidara knew that he shouldn't have said that quite so loudly. Several seconds later, an enraged Itachi kicked down the door.
"D-danna!"
Itachi said nothing, deciding that he created a much more ominous effect by remaining silent.
"This is terrific!" Deidara exclaimed, proudly showing the notebook he'd filched from the sheets. "You're an incredibly talented writer! Un!"
"What...?"
"This story! I love it! Un! It's so romantic!"
Kisame and Sasori had plenty of weird looks to give, and Itachi was getting them.
"'Story'?"
"'Romantic'?"
Deidara blinked. Somehow, the implication that Itachi was a talented writer didn't surprise him. Deidara had been a bit surprised at the open confessions inside the story, but his enthusiasm had overwhelmed him.
"You love him, don't you?" Deidara asked boldly, ignoring the obviously shocked Kisame and Sasori. He held up the notebook. "Why you wrote this, and why you did all of this in the first place... All of out of love for your brother! Un!"
Kisame stared dumbly at the notebook.
"Gimme that thing!" he exclaimed after a moment, grabbing at the writings in Deidara's hands.
"No! It's Itachi no danna's! Un!"
Sasori watched the ensuing cat-fight with moderate disinterest.
"Itachi-san... What is that thing?" he asked in a bored monotone.
"It's both a history," replied Itachi, shamed almost to tears, "and a story of my current life. Little more than an autobiography."
"And so you're in love with your brother," Sasori reiterated, blinking slowly. He patted Itachi's shoulder with mock sympathy. "Good luck with that."
Having given up keeping the notebook from Kisame, Deidara gave a devious smile. "Don't worry, danna! I have a plan! Un!"
Itachi suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of impending doom.
Deidara uses "danna," as I'm sure we're all aware. This can be translated as what a woman calls her husband (similar to "anata"), or "master." My valuable source says that the way Deidara uses it is something of a "boss" term.
Eh, there was no Sasuke in this chapter, but I did say that it was Akatsuki-centric. He'll be showing up, don't you worry...
R&R!