Author's Notes:
I have never been a Sydney/Adrian fan. I loved Adrian in the Vampire Academy series and was disappointed and hurt at what he'd become in Bloodlines. I have never felt nor believed the romance between these two but a lot of people have and all the power to them. Believe me, I have rant upon rant of each Bloodlines book on Goodreads on how much I loathe this pairing. If you are a shipper of this particular couple, I strongly advise you to not read this story. If you decide to do so anyway, please be respectful of my and others' opinion on this particular couple. In short, everyone, please be excellent to each other.
On another Goodreads member's review of The Ruby Circle, I commented on how much I hated Adrian's sudden and nonsensical descent into Spirit madness, claiming it was only put in as something for Sydney to "fix' in Adrian. She told me that to fix the Bloodlines series, she would turn that right back around and have Adrian lose himself to Spirit, thereby nullifying the majority of the series. (For her it was post-The Golden Lily, for me, it's post-Bloodlines (aka the first book).) This short story is basically my take on that.
I don't know why I woke up. Okay, I knew why; because people fall asleep and eventually wake up, obviously. But I'm not talking a typical go-to-sleep-wake up routine I'm talking about something much more out there.
I think it started when Sonya and Dimitri came to Palm Springs so we could conduct experiments on restored Strigoi. After a few days I thought it was a waste of time since we weren't finding anything, but Sonya scolded me like a child and said that progress wasn't always immediate. If the Alchemists hadn't let me have Keith's apartment as payment for using Spirit to do this stuff, I wouldn't have bothered. So onward I went, using Spirit to do whatever odd thing Sonya came up with.
Here's where the falling asleep and waking up thing comes in. Now, one night I know I went to sleep, slightly buzzed from the whiskey I'd had. And then I woke up the following day, doing what I did best, which was being the awesomeness that was Adrian Ivashkov. Except something had changed and I didn't even know it. It wasn't some huge, BAM, in your face thing, just a lot of little changes that built on each other.
For example, the Alchemist assigned to look after Jill, Sydney Sage, started looking very appealing. I did a lot of weird shit to be around her that I would never do; subtlety wasn't really my style. You could just ask my ex, Rose, who I sent a whole box of perfume to when she told me she didn't own any. I also started hearing my dead great-aunt Tatiana's voice in my head, although she never acted or sounded like my dear, beloved aunt. I'm assuming this was a side effect of Spirit, but I didn't really know for sure. Most other changes build on these two things, but eventually I was at a place where I was supposed to be happy, with only one problem.
I wasn't Adrian Ivashkov anymore.
I think when that small realization hit me one day, as Sydney was feeding Declan and I was making breakfast, it caused me to wake up. As in, I was back at my apartment in Palm Springs with several familiar faces looking down at me with worried expressions.
"Adrian, thank goodness," Sonya breathed in relief.
Sitting up, I rubbed my forehead. Shit, my head hurt like I'd been gone binge drinking, which I hadn't done for over a year. "What's wrong with you guys?" I laughed. "You're acting like I've never taken a nap before."
Nobody else laughed; in fact, they all looked grim.
"Geez, who died?" I asked.
Finally Sydney stepped forward, concern coloring her face. "Adrian, you've been out for three days."
Three days? Why? How? Instinctively I looked down at my left hand to see that my ring finger was bare; no ruby-adorned wedding ring in sight. I couldn't see Sydney's hand since she had her arms crossed, but she wasn't regarding me as a romantic partner. Her attitude was closer to when we'd first come to Palm Springs and she found me irritating. God, it had been so much fun riling her up over the dumbest things.
"We did experiments the other day, remember?" Sonya said gently. "I think you may have used too much Spirit because the following day when Dimitri and I came over, you couldn't be roused from sleep at all. Your aura was an intense gold that filled the room and you were muttering nonsensically. We couldn't do much except watch over you, hoping you'd snap out of it."
Everything was getting confusing the more they talked. Experiments had ceased when Sonya and I couldn't come up with anything concrete. "What day is it? What year?" I demanded.
Shock appeared on their faces but they told me, which just confused me more; October of three years ago. What the hell had happened to me that made me dream up over two and a half years?
"Do you remember anything?" Sonya asked me. "I mean, you must have dreamed and you were so overcome with Spirit… did you see anything?"
"I saw a lot," I muttered before shaking my head. I needed to process all this before I could give anyone answers.
Dimitri, who had been standing a fair distance away, nodded in understanding. I knew at this point in time I hated him because Rose chose him over me, but with this crazy time warp dream thing I was experiencing, I was over it. "Let's leave him alone for now," he suggested.
All three started to leave my room but I called out to Sydney at the last minute. "Hey, Sage, stick around for a second." Even though she technically wasn't my wife anymore, I needed some kind of familiar connection.
She didn't look too pleased to be alone with me but came over and sat on a chair beside my bed. "What do you need?"
Well, I couldn't really say I needed her presence as reassurance, could I? "Your opinion," I said quickly, "About what happened to me."
Her eyes were cold and her expression blank for a moment before she sighed. "From what Sonya said, it sounds like Spirit overtook your mind and body. If I were you, I'd get on some medication to fix it."
"Fix it?" I repeated. "Spirit is part of who I am and I can use it to help people."
"No," she corrected, her voice emotionless and clinical. "Spirit is a problem. It's too unknown and in turn makes people who wield it into a problem as well."
It was like a bucket of ice cold water had been dumped over me. All I saw in Sydney's eyes was judgemental superiority. How had I ever found those eyes beautiful?
"That's all I wanted to know," I said dismissively. "Thanks, Sage."
Sydney nodded stiffly and stood up to leave the room. Once she was gone I let myself flop back down on the bed, sprawling out so I could stretch my limbs and think. Even though I had apparently slept for three days, I fell back asleep before I could really analyze my dream.
I was so confused. Did I really just dream those two and a half years; the witches, the Warriors of Light, the Alchemists, Marcus, Alicia, all of it? It made my brain hurt just trying to process it. I suppose it didn't help that I was in some kind of weird limbo where I was half normal Adrian and half dream Adrian. For example, my body was craving nicotine something fierce even though I knew I hadn't smoked in a long time. At first I thought I'd just quit again like I had before, but the pack of clove cigarettes sitting on the counter were too tempting and I caved, grabbing the pack and lighting one.
"Let's do this one step at a time," I decided aloud. If everything was a dream, why had I woken up? Obviously I had been content in this make believe world that my mind - or maybe Spirit, judging by what Sonya saw - had created, so what dragged me back to the present?
Pacing around my living room while I pondered about the answer, I finished my cigarette and immediately lit another one. Out of an old habit, I hunted in my liquor cabinet until I found some whiskey and poured a glass. Booze and cigarettes, the perfect combination to get rid of that weird side effect Spirit had on my mind; like something was scratching around in my brain. This felt way tamer than having Aunt Tatiana's voice either dragging me down or propping me up, depending on the situation. In all the years that I'd had control of Spirit magic, it had never gotten to the point where I thought I'd end up in a padded room.
It wasn't just the sudden spike in 'insane Spirit side effects' that had felt off in those pretend years. My sense of humor seemed to diminish as time went on until it just seemed forced and pathetic. When Sydney had been taken to re-education by the Alchemists, I hadn't worked to save her, I just drank myself into a stupor. I recall others telling me I tried my hardest, but looking back, did I really? Half-ass attempts to contact her in a Spirit dream if I remembered was not 'trying my hardest'. If I really loved her, I would have fought tooth and nail, I'm positive of that. Sure, I didn't fight for Rose after she dumped me for Dimitri, but I knew that was a lost cause and I wasn't stupid enough to go down that hopeless path. In any case, going back to Court and partying with a girl who obviously had a crush on me was not what I would have done while my girlfriend was being tortured somewhere.
"That's it," I realized. "I wasn't me anymore." The supportive, loving husband who taught art to pre-schoolers without a real education, he was not Adrian Ivashkov at all. Sure, I'd love to get married to my soul mate someday and hopefully be more than a trophy husband (although I could totally pull that off), but not in the way it had happened in my dream.
"Messed up, huh, Jailbait?" I said before taking a drag of my cigarette. Jill wasn't in the room, but I knew she could probably hear all my thoughts. I wondered how much of the dream she saw, if she saw it at all. Well, I was mulling it over so much she probably had the Sparknotes version.
Well, I wasn't going to have this all sorted out in one day. After all, there were two and half years of 'what-if' floating around in my head that I had to iron out. Besides, the more I was 'myself', the more objectively I could look at it all, I think. Right now the urge to do what Sydney wanted, like go on mood stabilizers, was too strong, as was the lingering feelings that dream Adrian had for her. Did I want to do that, to silence Spirit again? After some thought I decided that no, I didn't. There was no crazy voice in my head and Spirit didn't feel out of control, it felt like it had always felt; a little loud and scratchy, but easily drowned out with a few vices. I could handle that. I was a Moroi, after all, I didn't get lung cancer or alcohol poisoning. It wasn't like I got falling down stupid drunk all the time either, just enough to take the edge off. Most of the time barely anyone noticed because I remember that Rose hadn't realized I was always buzzed when we'd first met.
Jesus, how had I gone from indulging in a few to becoming a borderline alcoholic? I remember when Sydney found me after I drank like an fish with some friends, where I was yelling at some guy and trying to compel him. I would never have done that, so why had I? Getting a little buzzed after healing a friend's broken hand? Yep, totally an Adrian move. Getting flat out wasted and threatening people? Nope. Not to mention I would never have pawned Aunt Tatiana's gift; the ruby cufflinks she bought me for my twentieth birthday. Why had I done that again? Oh yeah, to buy Sydney a birthday present. Wait, why didn't I have money? I scanned my memory for the answer before I remembered that I'd spent six hundred dollars on a huge collection of records. Ugh, why had I done that? My old man had cut me off and I had to be careful with my cash.
The phone rang, mercifully cutting into my analyzing and giving me a reprieve. "Hello?" I said when I picked up the phone.
"Adrian, hello," Sonya's warm voice came through the speaker. "How are you feeling?"
I shrugged even though she couldn't see it. "A little weird, but other than that I'm fine. I don't think I can start with the experiments again so soon though."
"I wasn't going to suggest it." I swore I heard her smile judging by her tone. "But you haven't eaten anything in three days, so how about I bring you over here to Clarence's?"
That sounded like a fantastic idea; I didn't realize how much I was starving until Sonya brought it up. "Let me shower and I'll be good to go."
Twenty minutes later Sonya came by in her rental car just as I finished gelling my hair. Her expression was one of amusement when I climbed into the passenger seat. "You seem chipper," she said.
"Are you kidding? Chipper is the Adrian Ivashkov default state." I shot her my best dazzling smile and she shook her head, chuckling.
"Well, you seem to be… better, I suppose is the correct word? Your aura is back to normal as well. Do you remember what you dreamt about?"
Sonya was just trying to help, but I wasn't ready to indulge anyone about the dream. Maybe I would never tell anyone, since it was so personal and a little intimate about the inner workings of my life. "Yeah, but it's a lot for me to process," I replied. "I want to sort through it first. It was weird though, like it was real. Like my life went on as normal and I wasn't dreaming."
"Perhaps Spirit was trying to show you something," she suggested. It was a sound idea, but was Spirit warning me away from the possible future or encouraging me towards it?
By the time we got to Clarence's I realized that it was Friday and therefore a feeding day so everyone else would be there too. Sure enough, the Amberwood group were all in the living room we always used, eating pizza they had probably picked up on the way.
Jill's eyes lit up when she saw me and she jumped to her feet to run over and hug me. "Welcome back!" she gushed. "I was so freaked out. I mean, I could feel your presence through the bond, but I couldn't actually feel anything else, you know? But geez, I'm sort of glad I couldn't, because I would have been on massive overload! After all, almost three years in the span of three days? That's overwhelming! It's like-"
"Easy, Jailbait," I said affectionately and also cutting her off as I ruffled her hair. Her rambling was adorable but I didn't want her to start spilling things I wasn't ready for others to hear, especially Sydney. My thoughts must have reached Jill because she looked up at me with those pale green eyes and nodded rapidly in understanding.
After I got some blood from Dorothy, Clarence's housekeeper, I rejoined the group in the living room and sat next to Jill on the couch. The conversation seemed to revolve around what the kids were up to at Amberwood, leaving me to sit quietly and listen while I smoked a cigarette. I caught Sydney shooting me a dirty look when I initially lit up and at first I had this overwhelming urge to put it out, but that quickly faded and I ignored her.
Sydney; she was something I was trying to avoid analyzing because it was so hard to not show bias when my heart was still in the 'aching with love for her' stage. My brain was disagreeing big time, telling me that the Alchemist wasn't even my type and we had nothing in common. Surely it was wrong? I tried to recall anything we did together that was an interest we shared and in frustration came up blank. Reading 'substantial' literature was her thing, not mine. Practicing witch magic? Her thing. College? That was more her thing, even though I was in it right now (although it was only to get financial aid, which I couldn't do until next semester). The Getty Villa? I'd only found it for her because I knew it would be her thing. Jesus, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that everything was about her, not me. The only thing I had was my art and I think she was just humoring me about it, because I don't remember her praising any of my pieces, ever. Spirit magic was also my thing but I'd cut it off completely because she didn't like it. The only thing we seemed to have a mutual appreciation for was sex, but that alone does not make a relationship, especially when we disagreed about everything else.
"Adrian?" Sydney's voice cut into my musings.
"Huh?" I replied.
She rolled her eyes. "I asked if you were feeling better."
"Oh yeah, absolutely. I could down a whole bottle of whiskey while singing the national anthem, naked, that's how fabulous I feel." I gave her a huge grin before taking a drag of my cigarette.
The mental image must have shocked her because she let out an irritated huff. "Oh, Adrian."
My blood froze. The Sydney in my dream constantly said that to me in that exact same way and tone. Dream Adrian had found it endearing but… I just found it obnoxious. It sounded so condescending, like I was being chastised by my mother. How could anyone find that cute?
Jill elbowed my side, chasing away the rising annoyance in my chest. Damn the Spirit dream! It was making me feel like I was at war with myself; the Adrian I was and the Adrian I was supposed to become. I didn't want to become that Adrian; he wasn't fun, he was in a place I don't think I'd ever want to be, he basically was not me.
Despite not wanting to think about it anymore, that's all I did for the next few days. Mostly I flipped back and forth between what Dream Adrian did for Sydney and how I felt about Sydney. Both were making my head hurt, especially as more time passed and I felt less like I was split in two and more like current, present, one hundred percent Adrian Ivashkov before the radical change happened.
It seemed like a lot of the courting on my part was subtle, which like I said before, I didn't do. I suppose I could concede to the fact that she was a human and an Alchemist, both huge no-nos for a Moroi to pursue, but still, it seemed so unlike me to dodge the issue like that. With Rose, I'd gotten her and her friends to Victor Dashkov's trial and made no secret that I did it for her. With Sydney, I bought a car that I knew she would like (once again, it was something for her, not myself) and pretended to not know how to drive stick so she would teach me. The real Adrian would have proclaimed that from the beginning with a witty flirt and a smile on his face, not wait until she figured it out thanks to a coincidence.
And after she knew about my feelings and turned me down? Well, I think that was more in line with what I would act like, as in constantly letting her know and dropping not-so-subtle hints that would get stuck in her head, but Sydney's behavior was the one that turned weird. If she didn't like me, why was she constantly dragging me around and asking for my help? Did I need to go to self defense classes with her? Did she have to drive me to San Diego to see my dad? Did she have to go with me to get my car inspected? Did I need to watch her practice magic with Jackie? Did I need to be around when she summoned Hopper the Callistana? Did she have to hang around me during Sonya and Mikhail's wedding? Did I have to go with her while she did her witch hunting? Did I have to go to Jackie's house when she suspected Alicia was the real culprit of the witch mystery? The answer to all of these things was a very resounding 'no'; she wasn't needed for my stuff, I wasn't needed for hers. Maybe someone would argue it was because she wanted me around because she loved me, but thinking about it, I don't buy it. It's entirely possible that no one had ever declared their love for her before and that fascinated her and her logical brain. Her brief relationship with Brayden (who I now believe would be a better fit for her personality than me) was barely existent because she kept ditching him, so I was the only potential romantic link she'd ever had and she decided to pursue it out of curiosity. After all, if she really fell in love with the real Adrian Ivashkov, why did she try so hard to change me and why the hell had I tried to change for her in return?
"This is why I don't want to think about this," I groaned in frustration and put my head on the kitchen counter. Sydney was an all right chick for an Alchemist and I hated to think so horribly about someone I barely knew, but as more memories of the dream came up, it just made me resent her more and more. She hated my Spirit magic, my drinking, my cigarettes, my need to survive on blood, my entire existence and personality, basically. What had drawn her to me? Hell, what had drawn me to her?
She's the anti-Rose, I realized. They were the same age and the same height, sure, but Sydney was blonde, hyper rational, reserved, ignorant about relationships and sex; everything opposite of Rose. Even when dream Adrian thought she was going to break up with him, she never did. She never cheated, never doubted their relationship, never left. It all sounded extremely vanilla and made me a bit sad, like Sydney's world revolved around him and he changed everything to suit her. Did Spirit really think that I would become that person, the one that would cling to a relationship that was the complete opposite of my previous one with assurances that she would never leave?
"No," I decided. "Never." Even if I had to avoid Sydney for the rest of my time in Palm Springs to prevent that future, I would do it.
As if on cue, like in a movie where the hero makes a big decision and someone wants to talk him out of it, the phone rang. I grabbed it and looked at the caller I.D., praying it wasn't Sydney. Nope, it was Jill, thank god. "Hello?"
"Are you sure that's what you want to do?" she immediately asked, not bothering with pleasantries. "I know you think it was unrealistic and horrible, but you forget; Dream Adrian was really happy with his wife Sydney and little Declan."
"I'm sure, Jill," I said firmly. Using her first name must have surprised her because she didn't speak. "I would rather be myself and miserable than living a happy lie. In fact, I'm going to try and find what my happiness is and I don't need Sydney Sage to accomplish it."
With a renewed purpose, I bid farewell to Jill and hung up. Yep, no rushed marriage with someone who was my complete opposite and suddenly being a parent for contrived reasons. I was Adrian Ivashkov, the witty, flirtatious, slightly buzzed, Spirit filled artist, and I would be until the day I died.