Tony was having an internal debate with himself. He wanted to tell Gibbs everything, but it just didn't seem like a good idea. After the day he had had, and the reactions he had had during the day, he knew he needed to explain himself, but it wasn't easy. He wasn't sure how to explain the reason behind his actions this time.
"Tony? Are you alright?" Gibbs asked gently as he came and joined Tony in the living room.
Tony shook his head and twisted himself into a more comfortable position on Gibbs' couch.
"Talk to me, Tony. You know you can trust me," said Gibbs. He took a seat on the opposite couch to allow Tony some space.
"Is everyone gone?"
"Yes."
"I'm really sorry about today. I promise I didn't mean for any of it to happen."
"That's alright. No-one is upset with you. Confused, maybe, but not upset."
"You were just trying to do something nice for me, and I ruined it." Tony sounded upset and angry with himself. "I ruined it, again!"
"You didn't ruin anything, Tony," said Gibbs soothingly. He hoped to help his young friend calm down. "Tell me what happened."
Tony looked at Gibbs for a long moment, trying to decide if he could be trusted with the information he was seeking. He was sure that Gibbs knew some of his past as a cop, but nobody had ever known the rest of his history- he was always too scared that he wouldn't be wanted anymore if he spoke about it. Finally, Tony sighed. He could feel tears threatening to spill over, despite him doing his best to hold them back.
"Nobody cares about me. They never have and they never will," he said so softly that Gibbs barely heard him.
"Of course we care about you, Tony," said Gibbs gently. "You are a part of my team, which automatically makes you a part of our family."
Tony shook his head, not believing Gibbs for the first time since he had met him almost a year earlier.
"Yes, Tony. We love you and care about you. Nothing will ever change that, I can promise you that."
Tony finally sighed and let his tears fall. "I've never had a party before, Gibbs," he said sadly. "I've never had a birthday cake or presents. I've never gotten to decorate a Christmas tree or race down the stairs to open my presents from Santa. I've never had anything like that before. And I got used to it- I don't expect any of it now. I guess I overreacted today, but I couldn't help it. I don't know how to react to a surprise party for me. I've always given presents to people and attended their parties, but I've never had my own."
Gibbs quietly swore, cursing Tony's parents for being so cruel to their only child. But that anger was nothing compared to the anger he was about to feel.
"My parents hated me from the moment I was born," said Tony, his voice still quiet. "My mother loved to humiliate me all the time. I guess I was lucky that she never did anything worse than that. But she was just as neglectful as my dad was. She was always so drunk that she ignored me. And as soon as she got sick, it was as if I didn't exist anymore. My dad preferred to look after his wife, despite her being under the care of doctors and nurses all the time. He often left me home alone, with nothing to eat or drink, except water. He would lock all the cupboards and the fridge so I could get to anything and 'make a mess'."
"Tony? Did anybody ever take care of you?" Gibbs asked in the gentlest tone anybody had ever heard come out of the gruff, tough Marine.
Tony laughed sarcastically. "Are you kidding? The only people that ever interacted with me were the staff. I had a nanny when my mother got sick, but she was there simply for the money. She would pretend to care whenever my dad was around, but she was just as neglectful as my parents were." Tony sighed again. "Did you know I never got to have a real childhood. As soon as I was old enough for school, my parents made sure that I only ever did work. I never got to play or go out. The only 'luxury' I had was the books. The only problem with that was the books were all about things like science and math."
"You must be pretty smart then. Why don't you let us see how smart you are?" Gibbs asked, trying to help Tony see some good in the problems.
"I'm not as smart as you think. I didn't read those books unless I needed them for homework."
"I'll bet you are smart. But that's a topic for another time. Keep going."
"I never got to play with toys. I had a teddy bear that was a hand-me-down. It was so ratty and old that it fell apart just by being touched. I learnt to sew when I was four, all so I could fix the bear. It was the only thing I had that didn't get thrown out." Tony smiled a little. "I still have the bear, at home. I hid it from my dad so that he couldn't throw it away when I turned eleven. And I took it with me to every boarding school I went to, just to keep it safe."
"Would it be okay if I looked at it sometime? I'd like to see how well you fixed it up."
Tony nodded. His voice was louder now. "I can show you when you take me home later."
"I'd like that, but I think you need to stay here tonight. It's getting late, and I want you to be comfortable. I know that you enjoy being here."
Tony smiled. "Thank you." He closed his eyes for a moment. "I always wanted to run away, but I was too scared that if I had to go back home, my father would beat me. He's abusive, Gibbs. Always has been."
"I'll put an end to it. As soon as I can find that jerk, I'll put an end to his reign of terror." Gibbs smiled at Tony. "Next year, we'll give you a proper birthday party. You'll love it. And you're spending Christmas with me this year. Abby will be joining us, so will Ducky. Everyone exchanges gifts, which means that you will get three presents, maybe four if I can find something extra for you. I know you aren't a child, Tony, but I can see that you pretend to be a 'teenager' because you want that time back. I'll help you through it, help you make a life as an adult. I promise."
Tony nodded and smiled gratefully at his boss. He knew that Gibbs would be understanding, and he was grateful for the opportunity to let out his pain. Tony felt a lot better now that he had told everything to Gibbs, and he felt safer too. He knew that Gibbs would protect him if his father ever decided to come around.
"Thank you, Gibbs. I think this might actually be the first time that I've ever felt comfortable to be myself," said Tony as he accepted the gentle, but loving, hug that Gibbs offered him.