For five years now, Dan and Phil had kept their relationship a secret. It had always been that way. Phil didn't mind admitting that he liked men, but Dan on the other hand, was extremely ashamed and constantly lived in worry that it would become common knowledge. He didn't want to be known as 'that gay one from YouTube'. Phil had learnt not to bring up the subject of them coming out; he knew that it would end in an argument, and so for what felt like forever to him, he had not even so much as joked about 'Phan'. Of course, Dan often brought up the ship, and ripped it to shreds, and although it tore Phil apart, he wouldn't admit it. He loved Dan. And he wasn't going to lose him over some silly ship. But how long did Dan expect him to keep this secret? He wasn't ashamed, or worried. It was who he was and it was difficult not to mention something so important in his life.
And that was why he decided to bring it up. Again.
PHIL'S POV
Phil was lying with his head in Dan's lap, whilst replying to tweets on Twitter about his latest video. Dan was scrolling through tumblr in his sofa crease, and the TV was on some channel that was showing an anime. This was the usual night time set-up, until bedtime, which varied depending on what they had on the agenda for the next day.
"Dan?" Phil shifted to an upright position so that he could stare into Dan's eyes, whilst questioning him yet again on coming out.
"Hmm?" Dan answered, not looking up from his mac.
"Well…I dunno…but have you thought about making that announcement any more?" Phil asked sheepishly. He tried to avoid saying the actual words. Maybe that would make Dan less likely to become angry.
Dan raised his eyebrows. "Are you serious?"
Phil looked at the floor and sighed. Dan was already getting defensive and he'd only just brought it up. "Yeah…"
Dan's face hardened. Phil knew this was the beginning of an argument and instantly regretted what he's said.
"Phil, for God's sake. NO. I told you yesterday when you brought it up; I told you last week when you brought it up. Hell, I told you last MONTH when you brought it up! I'm not going to change my mind and if you're not okay with that, then you're going to have to find someone else."
Dan's harsh words sliced through Phil like a knife. "Dan…" he murmured. "Why?"
"Do you realise what it would do to my career? My reputation would be ruined!"
"Everyone pretty much knows anyway…"
"And do you think I find that easy?!"
Phil shuffled in his seat, "sorry Dan."
"You say that every fucking time! But do you ever stop?! No! Geez, I'm sorry Phil but I seriously can't handle this."
"Okay. I'm going to bed." Phil got up and collected his mac and reading book from the coffee table. With his hands full, he stumbled down the hall to his room. He hadn't slept in his own bed since Dan was down with the sickness bug and had insisted Phil sleep alone because he was due to go to Florida the next day. That was 2 years ago. Opening his door, he suddenly felt the weight of his loneliness. It was dark and quiet. He placed his mac on the desk and switched on the light. Half expecting Dan to walk in and snuggle up next to him, he left his door slightly ajar and hoped it wouldn't be long before Dan followed.
DAN'S POV
Dan sighed. He hated arguing with Phil, but Phil's insistence on coming out was really starting to grind on him. Had he done the wrong thing?
Knowing he needed time out, he stuffed his backpack with a change of clothes, his macbook, toothbrush and wallet, and headed into the hall to put his shoes on. He didn't care that it was 3am. He needed space, and so did Phil. Just as he was writing a note to explain this to his boyfriend, his phone buzzed.
"Phil says you're a twat" it read. It was from PJ. Phil must have texted him when he went to bed.
"I am." Dan replied, "I'm coming over."
PHIL'S POV
It was only 10 minutes before Phil heard the front door slam. He knew Dan wouldn't be back until morning and he'd been hoping he wouldn't have to sleep alone. It looked like it was set to be a lonely night, and perhaps a lonely day too when he finally got up in the morning. Maybe he could just stay in bed all day. Every day he spent without Dan by his side was horrible. He hated it. And when he knew it was because of an argument, it felt even worse.
DAN'S POV
When he arrived at PJ's, it was 3.30am. PJ was waiting up in the lounge, which was a bad sign because PJ usually went to bed before midnight. This probably meant that a lecture was heading his way.
"Hey Dan," PJ yawned.
Dan nodded.
"Take a seat why don't ya? I need to talk to you about something."
Dan sat in the comfy armchair opposite his friend and braced himself. This wasn't going to be easy.
"Phil's really upset," PJ started, and seeing that Dan was about to interrupt him, swiftly continued, "he says that you two argued again…Dan, he really is struggling at the moment. He loves you and he feels as though you're ashamed of him."
Dan sighed, "Peej, I love Phil, but I can't risk everything?!"
"Isn't that what you do when you love someone?" PJ asked.
"Yeah…but…"
"There's no buts, Dan. That's what you do when you love someone. What's the worst that could happen? Everyone has guessed anyway. BBC won't fire you…I mean, come on, it's 2015! YouTube aren't going to close your account on grounds of you being gay! You won't lose a ton of subs, and if you do, they would soon be replaced! Do you really want homophobic subscribers anyway?" He saw that Dan really was considering what he was saying. "Yeah, so it would be big news for a while, but then some other YouTube couple will be outed! It's never long! I don't think Troye and Tyler are gonna keep it secret much longer and imagine the reaction to that one! Seriously Dan, if you really see yourself being with Phil for the rest of your life, you need to consider telling people."
Dan thought about it. "I know," he replied quietly, "I know."
"I'm gonna let you get some sleep. The spare room is ready for you just to climb into bed. I'll be next door if you need anything." PJ stood up and started towards his bedroom when Dan interrupted him.
"Peej, where's your camera?"
"Just over there on the shelf," he smiled knowingly.
"Hello internet!" Dan waved at the camera. "Yes, this is an unannounced video, and yes, it really is 4.15 in the morning. I'm at PJ's right now because Phil and I had a bit of a dispute, but I need this uploaded before Phil is up, so there'll be no editing and no jumpcuts. No fringe checks and no change of clothes. Just me completely au naturale!" Dan cringed a bit and looked down at his feet. This was going to be difficult. 'Just talk as though you're talking to Phil', he thought.
"As you can see, this one is for Phil…so here we go.
Five years ago, I met you for the first time, and it was probably around this time of year too. And Phil, from the moment I met you, I knew we had something. A friendship that would last forever. But then I really got to know you. And I absolutely fell in love with you. This was confusing for me, because up until then, I had considered myself straight. I'd only had girlfriends…and lots of them haha! But when I met you, it was different. I knew you were the one. I was broken, and when you kissed me that first time on the wheel…all my broken pieces fit back together. I felt whole again. And I know I was wrong to make you stay quiet about this whole thing. I know I shouldn't have, and I know that rather than avoid it, I should have accepted my sexuality and let us be public. But it scared me, Phil. It really scared me, and the longer I left it, the more subscribers we got, and the harder it was."
Dan was speaking quickly now…this was so difficult and he was terrified he was getting it wrong.
"Damn Phil, you better appreciate this! I'm kidding. Phil, I'm sorry, and I hope this proves to you just how serious I am about our relationship. I never want to lose you because letting you go would be the biggest mistake of my life. I'm going to stop now before I cry, but hopefully this will upload before I'm home, because I've got something to ask you, and it's pretty important."
Dan shut off the camera and began the long and boring process of uploading.