Stage One
Summary: McCoy's in denial. Kirk and Nurse Chapel have a plan, which involves Kirk in a thong.

I do not own Star Trek, Kirk, Spock,McCoy, or Nurse Chapel.

"Jim..." McCoy said slowly, gazing at Captain James T. Kirk, who was donned in nothing but a leather thong. A thong, really, this early in the morning!

It wasn't even 9 o'clock, and McCoy already had a headache.

Kirk, in all of his leather-thong 'glory', just stood there grinning like the maniac he was. McCoy suddenly had an urge for some Romulan Ale to take the edge off...Then again, it would take allot more than potent ale to forget the sight of his Captain in a thong.

"So, Bones, like my new thong? I got it from your Nurse!" McCoy blanched.

"Christine got you...that? All I got a book called '101 Ways to Improve Your Relationships'." As he spoke, McCoy kept his eyes firmly focused on Kirk's face.

"Eh. Maybe she's trying to tell you something." Kirk seemed to shrug, and McCoy blinked. Straticlly putting his hand in front of the dangerous line of vision that was Kirk in a thong, he muttered, "Ya think?"

He guessed that Christine Chapel finally took his advice and stopped pining over Spock, instead going for someone more approachable. He would be happy for her if Kirk hadn't scarred him for life with her Christmas present.

"Jim, as much as I appreciate your company, why are you walking around in a...thong?"

"Ah. No reason really. I just wondered if you were gay."

"...What?"

"Well, see, there's this rumor going around that you're gay, and that you divorced your wife due to your suppressed homosexuality, or something. There's also this nice one about you and Spock."

McCoy blinked, "I didn't know my sex life was so fascinating."

"You are a pretty good looking guy, Bones, like it or not. Half the ship is convinced you're gayer than...gay. The rest don't know what to think."

"Oookay, I'm flattered, but it doesn't really answer my question. What in the name of seven hells are you doing in my sickbay in a thong?"

"Again, I really don't have a reason. Except my innate curiosity about the sex life of my bridge crew, particularly you, Bones. You need to get laid."

"What? You putting out or something? I didn't know you were that desperate."

"...Shut up, Bones. Don't tell me your celibate or any of that. You get eyed up more than me or Spock, and you don't even notice!"

"I just want a relationship."

"Sure. Other words, you can't get laid."

"Well, not everyone's you, Jim."

"Spock gets more ass than you do."

"Fuck off. That green-blooded, pointy-eared son of a bitch doesn't have anything on--"

"Don't start, Bones. We're discussing your sex life, not how much you want Spock--"

"WHAT! How could you even suggest that--?"

"Oh, come on. You practically flirt with each other! He's been eyeing you up too, that much is true about those rumors..."

"Jim."

"What?"

"Get the hell out of my sickbay."

"Get out, get out, andlet's forget this conversation ever took place. I did not see you in a thong; we are not discussing my sex life--"

"--Or lack thereof--"

"--and you did not just suggest that I'm in...Love...with Spock--" by this point, McCoy's face was an interesting shade of crimson,

"Denial is just a river in Egypt, you know."

"--Fuck off. Just, get out. Now." The look on McCoy's face suggested that Kirk's rank was not going to save him today, so Kirk turned and bolted back towards his quarters, grinning.

Standing outside his quarters was an equally grinning Christine Chapel.

"So, how'd it go?" Kirk pecked her on the lips with a grin,

"Better than I thought it would, actually. I didn't think he could look so flustered."

"Well, Spock should be on his way to the sickbay for his physical right now. You know how punctual he is."

Kirk chuckled.

"Stage two of Operation: Let's-Make-Bones-and-Spock-an-Item begins, then."