Wide Night

Julie Dodson up-ended the bottle of red wine. As a few meagre drips made their way into her glass, she realised she had just finished the bottle.

Oh, Fuck it! She thought as she opened the second, and poured another glassful. It was a school night, and normally, Julie wouldn't be drinking. She certainly wouldn't be drinking two bottles of wine alone; but then, she wasn't supposed to be alone. She should be with Gill. As she swallowed another mouthful of wine, not really tasting it, she thought of the phone call hours earlier.

"Hiya, Slap!" Gill had started, with her customary greeting.

"Is everything OK?" Julie had replied.

"Yes, but I wondered if I could take a rain check on getting together tonight? It's just that Chris has finished his latest job earlier than planned, and wants to take me out."

Julie's heart sank; she hadn't seen Gill in weeks, and she had so been looking forward to seeing her best friend.

"No problem." Julie lied, trying to keep the hurt and disappointment out of her voice. "I could do with an early night, anyway."

"I'll phone you tomorrow, and we can sort something out. Sorry, got to dash; need to get ready. It's hard keeping up with a toy-boy!"

Julie laughed and said goodbye, although she wasn't sure Gill had heard it. Her mind was clearly already on Chris.

So now, Julie was drowning her sorrows with the wine she had bought to share with Gill, and trying desperately hard not to think about Gill and Chris together. She took a rather large gulp of wine, looking at her watch. It had just passed midnight. She wondered what Gill and Chris were up to; talking quietly, snuggling up together on the couch, or … Julie closed her eyes and tried not to think of the woman with whom she was completely, utterly and desperately in love, being intimate with Chris bloody Latham. Julie knew that wasn't fair. Chris was a lovely guy, and Gill certainly deserved someone lovely, especially after Captain Underpants.

Julie drained her glass, sighed and rested her head against the back of the chair. She was so tired. Tired of the job, of her life. She decided she needed to try dating again. Her friend had been trying to set her up with a paediatrician she knew. Maybe she could meet this..what was her name, Ruth, if memory served her right, and just see how it went. Or there was Zoe, the woman she'd met at a conference last week who'd given Julie her card and made it clear she'd like Julie to call her. She had a lovely smile, short brown hair and intense eyes. Not unlike Gill...the trouble was every woman she met was compared to Gill and they always came up wanting. If only she could meet someone who would sweep her off her feet, and make her forget about Gill, if only for a little while.

At some time during the evening, Julie had pulled out her box of 'Gill memories', and she took the lid off now to rummage inside. She pulled out a photo of her and Gill, probably the first one of them together, in the days when you had to go and get photos developed. The edges of the photo had started to fray. Julie started at the photo. They had been undercover as prostitutes; Julie remembered it as though it were yesterday. Seconded to Vice, as there were fewer female officers back in the early 90s, they had been trying to bring down a notorious pimp and drug smuggler, Jimmy Judge, responsible for bringing in huge quantities of heroin. It was the first time they had really worked together, and the beginning of the firm friendship they now enjoyed. The operation had been a huge success, and the pimp had been convicted not only of prostitution, and drug smuggling, but also of people trafficking, bringing in girls to work in his clubs. As she gazed at the photograph of them with big hair, overdone make-up, and not many clothes, she thought;

Crikey, we look so young!

It was hard to believe that it was twenty odd years ago. They had their arms round each other and Gill had a huge grin on her face. It was taken by one of the other girls, Tanya, who was a firm favourite with Gill and Julie. She had been a graduate student at Manchester University, trying to earn a bit of extra cash to help her get by. She had been truly horrified when she found out what her boss was up to, helped them gather evidence, and been the star witness at the trial.

Julie continued her journey down memory lane, looking at more photos of the two of them together, and a few letters that she had written to her best friend, but never sent, and poems that summed up her feelings for her best friend. It was not as though she talked to anyone about her love for Gill. Maybe she should; Janet Scott had hinted a few times that she was willing to listen. Julie sighed. It was not like it would change the situation. Gill wasn't interested in her that way, and she never would be, but that didn't mean that it hurt any less. Julie drained her glass, and realised she had finished the second bottle. A copy of Words, Wide Night* fell from the box as she moved it to place her wine glass on the table, and she picked it up and read it, tears forming in her eyes. The first time she had seen the poem had been in the early 90s; the words held just as true now, as they did then.

Across town, Gill picked up her glass and swirled her wine around it, as she sat alone at the table. She knew she should really get up and leave. She had drunk the first bottle of wine, and made considerable in roads into the second. The waiters had asked her if she would like to sit in the bar, if she were waiting for a lift. Another one made his way over. She was making them nervous.

"Would you like us to call a taxi, madam?" He asked.

Gill looked up at him, as if realising he were there for the first time.

"Yes, thanks." She finally replied, deciding she couldn't sit there all night. Gill blinked as the waiter handed her coat to her, as she tried to stop herself crying. She just couldn't believe what had happened. Chris had taken her out to this lovely restaurant, and then dumped her. There was no other way of putting it. He had been very lovely about it, but it didn't hurt any less. The thing that really bothered her, was that she hadn't seen it coming. She thought, naïvely that they were getting along well. Chris had said there was no one else, just that he needed a break, and didn't feel the long distance relationship was working out. Gill had been stunned. When the barman announced that her taxi had arrived, Gill blindly followed him, tears clouding her vision as he helped her out of the restaurant, and into the taxi.

"Where to, Luv?" The taxi driver enquired.

Where to indeed? Gill thought.

She really didn't want to go home to an empty house, but it was hardly fair on anyone to drop in at..What was the time? Gill squinted at her watch and realised that it was a quarter to one. There was only one place she contemplated going, one friend who would welcome her whatever the time of night. Julie...She gave the taxi driver Julie's address, and then settled back in the seat for the journey.

Arriving at Julie's door, Gill suddenly wondered if this were such a good idea. Julie was a great friend, but what if she was out, or in bed, and didn't hear her? Too late now! Gill thought as she pressed the doorbell.

Julie was aware of a noise, as she dosed on the sofa. At first she thought she was dreaming, but then she heard it again, and realised that it was the doorbell. She glanced at the clock, seeing that it was now 1am, and wondered who on earth it could be. Gathering up the letters, poems and photos she stuffed them hastily under the coffee table, before rising to go and see who was at the door. As she peered through the frosted glass of her front door, she saw it was Gill and opened up immediately, wondering what could have brought her best friend here at such a late hour. It had better be a matter of life or death!

Gill looked up at Julie as she opened the door, her eyes glistening with tears. Julie immediately reached out and took Gill into her arms, pulling her close.

"Whatever's the matter?" Julie asked, as she guided the sobbing Gill inside.

"Chris.." was all Julie could make out between Gill's sobs.

Julie sat down on the sofa pulling the smaller woman with her, as she stroked her hair and uttered soothing words. It broke Julie's heart to see her friend in such despair. She so wanted to take away all Gill's pain. She pulled Gill closer and offered what comfort she could.

"Why can't I get someone to love me for more than five minutes?" Gill asked, completely bewildered. "I'm such a failure."

"It's them that has the problem!" Julie said vehemently. Tears threatened at her own eyes. She wanted to scream. I've loved you forever! But she knew that although Gill loved her as a friend, she would never love her as Julie fervently hoped.

Gill looked up at her, tears pouring down her face.

"Come on let's get you to bed, and worry about it in the morning." Julie stood up taking Gill with her, assisting her up the stairs. Pulling some pyjamas out of her dresser, she guided Gill to her spare room, hoping it wasn't too messy.

Gill resisted, saying "Please...I don't want to be alone."

Oh, God! Julie agonised. You don't know what you are asking! She closed her eyes and gulped. Gill looked at her pleadingly, and she nodded agreement. It was impossible for her to deny Gill anything.

Gill started to strip, and pull on the pyjamas that Julie had provided. Julie retreated to her en-suite, and did the same. When she came out Gill had collapsed on the bed, still sobbing quietly. Julie went to the bed pulling the covers back as she manoeuvred Gill, so she could get into bed beside her. Gill immediately moulded herself to Julie, pressing against her, seeking comfort.

Julie felt Gill's heat, as she slid her arms around her stricken friend. Her heart was thudding in her chest as she held Gill close. Julie closed her eyes and prayed Gill would quickly fall asleep. Gill, it seemed had other ideas. Gill looked up at Julie, as her face moved nearer. Julie opened her eyes and realised that Gill's mouth was only inches from her own, and her warm soft body was pressed into her. Julie gasped as desire coursed through her veins. This is not happening! Julie pleaded, to whoever was listening. But there was no one to hear her pleas, and Julie felt Gill move nearer whispering

"Please..."

Julie felt Gill's lips touch her own, tentatively at first, and Julie couldn't help moaning as she parted her lips. Gill pressed on, sliding her tongue into Julie's mouth, and Julie accepted it. She wanted to stop, but she couldn't. Her hands slid round Gill's body, holding her tenderly, as she had dreamed of doing many times. Gill clung onto her with all her might, putting body and soul into the kiss, and Julie felt as though she would die from the intensity of it. Julie's mind screamed at her to stop. Gill doesn't want this really! She's just upset and you're taking advantage of her! She slowed down easing Gill out of her arms. Gill thankfully murmured and it seemed she was falling asleep. Julie soothed her best friend and kissed her on her forehead, as she eased herself out of the bed. Gill turned over hugging the duvet closer.

"Mmm…Chris…" Gill murmured before she started snoring softly.

Julie's heart broke and she put her hand over her mouth to stifle an anguished sob. Quickly and quietly she made her way to the spare bedroom, before collapsing on the bed and crying herself to sleep. Her last thought before losing consciousness was; What on Earth will I say to Gill tomorrow?

*For those of you unfamiliar with the poem Words, Wide Night, please follow this link. poets/Carol_Ann_Duffy/9275

Carol Ann Duffy is an amazing poet and her work is well worth a read.