A/N: Hey, guys! I'm sorry for how goddamn sad and sappy this is. I decided to do an experiment, and write a story based on the first song that iTunes gave me on shuffle. What ended up coming on was Miss Murder by AFI. I haven't really written a suicide fic in this much detail, but I figured I should roll with it because it inspired me. Don't worry, it's not that bad. You know me, haha! (Or at least, I hope D:)

Warnings: Severe trigger warning for suicide. Like, really. I have to admit that while I've never tried it this way, I have attempted to commit suicide, so I guess I can write this a little more easily than some.

OoO

Steady heartbeats rushed in his ears like the wind rushed at his back, pushing him forward ever so slightly as his body strained from the effort not to fall. Wiping his wet palms on his jeans, he hugged himself both to protect from the chilly night air and to keep his body from shaking like a leaf. The streetcars below gave off an eerie red and yellow tinge, making him squint his eyes slightly. People were ants as they strolled lazily along the sidewalk, unaware of the tall brunette far above them, teetering on the edge of a building as well as life and death.

Every week he would come up here, standing on the edge of the building and watching the world sway below him, vertigo draining him but not dulling the rush of excitement he always felt when he came. It was just so easy, he thought. Just so easy to step off and then he would be falling, the world rushing by as he would hold out his arms like wings and enjoy the flight. Just enjoying the feel of falling, of letting go.

It wasn't like he planned to do it. He didn't have that bad of a life, and all of the fame and attention he was receiving made him beyond happy. This had been the perfect year, and he was pretty self-satisfied, to be honest. He had a life; he had Phil. Phil.

He thought to a few hours past. The look on Phil's face was priceless when Dan told him that he loved him. It wasn't disgust, per se, just a sad sort of look that had Dan biting his lip all the way through until he tasted blood. The moments had ticked by, and neither boy had spoken. When it was clear that Phil wasn't going to say anything (he always had this cute way of shuffling on his feet awkwardly, but Dan found it rather annoying this time), Dan had stormed out of the apartment and slammed the door forcefully, a bitter taste in his mouth and disappointment weighing on his heart.

Dan felt the wind chill him to the bone, and while he was sure his shaking wasn't entirely from the gale, he briefly cursed himself that he forgot to bring a jacket. Not that it would matter anyway. He could feel the numerous drinks (he lost count at five) he had downed at the bar singing in his veins and warming him up slightly despite the cold. His head seemed to be full of bees, buzzing so loud it made his brain hurt and happy at the same time. If he wobbled a bit, he didn't notice. If Phil were here, Dan would be laughing merrily with him and singing some made-up song about happier times.

Phil. Dan loved him with his soul, loved him so much it hurt his whole body just breathing without the ebony-haired boy. Dan wanted to clean his insides, rid himself of these feelings until he was squeaky clean from the inside out, empty enough to fill his mind and body with thoughts of someone else. Someone who loved him back, whom he had at least a chance with. Maybe Carrie, or Kat, or even Peej, if he was being honest. But no, he always had to fuck things up and fall in love with his best friend.

Dan's sneakers crunched against the brick of the building, and he looked down again, feeling that rush that always came when he did this. He really didn't want to do it; he couldn't. But just the thought of being here, that he could do it if he chose, made him feel something indescribable. Something that no one else would get, that was sacred to just Dan.

He took a breath and closed his eyes, the dark space behind his eyelids turning into a movie screen. He could see Phil and him; they were laughing and shoving each other at some funny joke Dan had cracked. Dan saw Phil give a serious look, and Phil would stroke Dan's cheek so softly, and reach down to kiss him fully on the lips. It would be wonderful, and Dan found himself parting his lips in real life, trying to imagine the taste of the older boy on him, the feel of those this lips rubbing against his own. But that's what fantasies were for—imagining. He knew that this had never happened, but he figured God would allow him this one moment, this one happy memory, even if it was a false one. Dan took a deep breath, and stepped forward.

He could barely register what had happened when he felt strong arms around his waist, and he was suddenly pulled back and onto the concrete, a warm body underneath him. He kept his eyes closed, his mind still stuck on that edge and wondering what had happened.

Stormy blue eyes looked at him worriedly when at last Dan opened his eyes. Phil. It took Dan a little while to notice that it was Phil that was shaking, and it took him even longer to notice that he was, too. It took Dan another moment to catch up, and then he was sobbing messily into Phil's shoulder and Phil was squeezing him like he would never let go, which made Dan sob even more. He gulped down icy-cold breaths, sucking them in like a fish out of water as the tears poured out of him. The only sounds were Dan's broken sobs and the whistle of the frigid wind as it tussled their hair back and forth.

"Dan," Phil began when Dan's tears had stopped falling and everything was a little calmer. "Dan, I'm sorry."

Dan's voice shook more than he wanted it to, but he figured he had bared it all in the last few hours, so it was allowed. "For what? I'm the one that should be sorry. I shouldn't have told you; it just fucked everything up. Leave it to me to ruin everything." His laugh was brittle and sounded bad even to his ears. He looked anywhere but Phil, noticing that both boys had yet to get up, but he was just so tired that he didn't want to move out of the older boy's arms.

"Dan, look at me," Phil commanded, but Dan didn't listen to him. "Dammit, Dan, look at me!"

And it was all there when Dan looked up at Phil, all of the emotion raw across Phil's face, and it hurt so fucking much that he knew that look, knew it and recognized it as his own. No words were needed; Dan just knew, and Phil's sudden smile made his chest tighten in a surprisingly good and relieved way.

Phil spoke anyway. "I'm sorry. I really didn't know what to do when you just sprung the confession on me like that. I was just kind of shocked, honestly, because I really couldn't fathom that you liked me back the same way that I did. So I just kept silent, and when you stormed off like that, I decided to wait for you. But you never showed. I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find you. And then I remembered that this was the place where we first decided to move in together, so I figured that I might find you here. But Christ, Dan, I didn't know you'd do this! I would have went looking for you sooner if I realized how fucking dumb you would be!"

"I'm sor—"

"No, that's not going to cut it. Christ, Dan, when I saw you on that edge, it was like I couldn't breathe; I felt like my whole world had gone crashing down. If you had fallen…" Phil's voice broke, and the ebony-haired boy took a deep breath. His next words were spoken so softly and affectionately that it broke Dan's heart just to hear them. "I love you Daniel. I've loved you since we first met. I'm just so glad I got here in time so I could tell you that."

Dan's heart stuttered, stopping for an endless beat. Phil. Phil loved him. Phil, the word repeated in Dan's head, Phil Phil Phil. He loved him. Phil loved him. Phil loved him. Dan felt his whole core shaking this time, but not at all from the wind but in a happy, shocked sort of way. His heart restarted, pumping blood and life into his veins as he took a deep breath and said, "You utter idiot! Do you have any idea how you made me feel? Fuck, you could have said something sooner! Fuck, fuck. God, we're so messed up, aren't we?"

Phil's chuckle reverberated deep in his chest, and Dan could feel the vibrations tickle slightly on the brunette's body. Phil's laugh turned into a full out belly laugh, and Dan found himself rolling off of Phil and joining in almost hysterically. The two boys laughed and laughed until they were clutching their stomachs, out of breath with tears forming in their eyes from the effort. It felt as though Dan's shoulders were lighter; his burden wasn't so heavy anymore.

Phil suddenly stood up and brushed the dirt from his jeans. Dan craned his neck to see the older boy, whose hand was stretched out toward Dan and was looking at Dan expectantly. The smile on Phil's face was worth everything they had gone through, and Dan felt his lips turn up to mirror his companion's. With his past naked on the ground sixty feet below them, and his future laid out in front of him all sparkly and new, Dan grabbed Phil's hand and pulled himself up.