Caroline left both the restaurant and the hotel before Greg made his way down to meet Kate for breakfast. He hadn't slept well and was grateful Kate texted him to have a lie in and to say that she would let him know when the coast was clear. She'd had enough drama already that morning and didn't want another awkward scene as Caroline left.
Just minutes before 11 am, Greg bounded into the restaurant like a puppy that had slipped its leash and plopped down into the chair opposite Kate. He was doing his best to seem light and airy but inside he felt anything but either of those things. "Good morning gorgeous. How'd you sleep? Did you sleep?"
"Not much. You?" The waiter brought a pot of coffee to the table. Greg fixed his cup in an effort to buy time to find the words he needed.
"I was too keyed up. It's all becoming rather real to me," he began in earnest while looking at the menu in an effort to avoid making any further eye contact. He was hungry but yet had very little appetite other than for Kate.
She nervously twisted her napkin in her hands as she was starting to get a bad feeling about this whole situation. She had such hopes for a great weekend when she and Caroline pulled into the car park but then the bottom fell out of her world. She hoped to spend the day in bed with her and wondered if she was really ready to make the switch to Greg.
Greg looked up briefly and noticed the sadness in her eyes. "I'm worried about you. Are you sure about this? Should we put this off until after you and Caroline straighten out whatever it is that's going on?"
"I'm not sure of very much at the moment but I am sure I'm ready to have a baby."
"But where did you leave things with Caroline?" He looked at the late morning sun streaming in the windows and noticed how it made her glow. It took every ounce of self-restraint he had not to lean over and kiss her soft, cherry-colored lips. He still remembered how they felt and tasted; it was the stuff of his long-remembered dreams. He turned back to the menu to not tip his hand that he was falling for her again.
"She's not part of the equation anymore. I'm not sure she ever really was if I'm honest. It's all for the best." Kate twisted her cup around on the saucer. She was sad and angry and didn't want to let either of those emotions spill into their breakfast.
"I may not have seen you in a really long time but I still know you well enough to know that's not true. Remember? I've seen love-sick Kate before. Hell, I've even shagged love-sick Kate before. This reminds me of when we hooked up after you and Pat broke up. If I didn't know any better I'd swear this is history repeating itself with the major exception that this time you don't want me to wear a party hat."
Kate chuckled despite herself, thankful for the brief, comic relief. "I'd forgotten about our drunken run to the chemist just at closing that night. We were mad, weren't we?"
"If I'm honest, the only thing I was mad about back then was you. Kate, I knew that night it was just a rebound shag for you but I'd wanted you since that first day we met on the quad. I was delusional enough to believe that once we did it you'd fall hopelessly in love with me too but that clearly didn't happen."
At that moment the waiter appeared and they placed their order. Kate was thankful for the interruption as she finally and fully understood the old wound she inflicted was still present.
"I'm sorry Greg. After two years of watching you have casual sex with every girl you chased I honestly thought we were on the same drunken page that night. When I realized we weren't I felt so guilty for using you that I avoided you rather than talking with you about it all. Have you forgiven me?"
"Kate, I can forgive you anything. Even marrying Richard instead of me, but I thought you knew those girls were all just stand-ins for you," he half-teased, half-confessed. "But what about us? If it's really over with Caroline can we give it a try? I'm sorry if it's too soon to be suggesting this but I'm on dangerous ground here I'm afraid."
She rarely saw Greg being serious so this conversation knocked her back a bit. "Oh Greg. It wouldn't be fair to you. After Richard, I vowed I'd always be true to myself…to my nature. Can you understand that?"
"I get it but…" his voice trailed off. He scratched his beard and reached for his water glass.
"It's okay if you're getting cold feet. I understand. When I made this suggestion I guess I didn't focus on what I was really asking of you." At that moment, the thought of his rough beard against her skin turned her stomach.
"I wasn't going to talk to you about this, but then you two had your bust up and suddenly I hoped there was a chance for us."
"I'm so sorry Greg," her voice grew softer as her hopes for a baby seemed to be slipping away. But as much as she wanted a baby, she didn't want one at that price, particularly when every beat of her heart told her she still wanted Caroline.
"Honestly, before I saw you yesterday, I thought I could give you this and walk away but then all my old emotions came back and..."
She interrupted him. "I'm just sorry I'm asking you for something so big when I can't reciprocate and give you what you want."
"You know it might not work the first time. If we went at it regularly until the eureka moment, I'm afraid you'll have ruined me for other women yet again."
"I don't know about that but you're right, this could be a longer process than anticipated. I get it if you're not up for it." She hadn't intended the pun and mercifully he didn't comment on it.
"You know there is an alternative to our repeatedly crawling in between the sheets. After tossing and turning for hours last night, somewhere around three, I started to think about being just a donor. Seeing you again made me realize I just can't risk going with the original plan."
"That's kind but I can't afford to use a fertility clinic on my little teacher's salary. I looked into that a few years ago and was shocked at the cost."
"I understand. But what about a do-it-yourself insemination? I'm sure you could pick up a turkey baster at M&S," he said trying to bring a little levity.
"You're serious aren't you?"
"Yes. I want to do this for you. I just don't want to do it in a way that makes it impossible for me to walk away after. You are serious that you don't want my involvement in raising the baby right?"
"Originally, I thought it would be Caroline and me doing this together but I'm prepared to go it alone. You're already doing so much that I can't ask that of you too."
"Truth be told, that's a relief. If we were to raise the baby together I fear my heart would be permanently at risk, even if we used…if I didn't…you know. But I am willing to...the alternative."
As the waiter returned with their meals, Kate looked at Greg's hands. Although his beard was rough, she remembered his hands as being very soft. They were as kind as his eyes. She reached over and took them in hers as she told him how grateful she was that he was willing to be so selfless. They agreed to make a start that night.
About an hour later, as they drove to the store for some supplies, including magazines for Greg, chocolate for Kate, a sterilized cup, if there is such a thing to be found, and the infamous baster Greg had already nicknamed, in true comic book fashion, Isaac the Inseminator, Kate realized how relieved she was that she that he agreed to bring his "contribution" to her room. She hoped the shopping trip would be fast as she wanted to do an internet search for some guidance on how to proceed on her own with the insemination before Greg knocked on her door.
She briefly wondered what Caroline would think about the change in the plan and wished she were there to play a part in the conception. In a move to protect herself, she pushed the thought away as she was resolved to not give her a third chance. Twice had been enough. Of all the things she said to her that morning, the one thing she didn't regret saying was that it was time for Caroline to grow up. She knew two things at that moment: she could raise a baby on her own but she couldn't raise Caroline was well. The baby had to come first.